For Clover

[Clover]

fu·ri·ous

/fyo͝orēəs/

extremely angry; enraged

“he makes me furious”

---

There’s someone else now. There’s always someone else. We’re nothing more than cheap, meaningless cattle. I’m sure we barely have names and faces. I’m not going to make excuses for myself, for my reaction, for this sloppy mess on the pages of my journal. I’m not going to explain this away and point out the fact that I thought he and I were on better terms.

Who are these strangers? Who are these faceless people wandering around our home? My home. Their home. I don’t even want to think of it as my home anymore. How could he do this? And to see the rest of Fforde joking about his inability to control himself and prevent himself from ruining someone else’s life? Ridiculous. I’d rather he killed them, cut them into pieces, and burned them.

Don’t the others feel like they’re disappearing? He yelled at me to teach my childe, if the kid even is my childe, about the city, and then he goes out and sires, or creates, a half-dozen for himself. I feel like I’m at a crowded party and all I want to do is claw my way out. That’s what I feel like doing right now. I feel like leaving. It’s a different kind of leaving, not the leaving that would take me back to living in squalor. I thought about reconnecting again with Vic and Kenny, or maybe just going out on my own. I’m feeling suffocated.

I don’t even want to talk to Jesse again. But at the same time, I want to muster the nerve to walk up to him and punch him right in the face. I just thought he really cared about making a connection with us and getting to know us. I opened up to him and thought we would start a new chapter. I thought we would spend time being Fforde, right as we were. I thought I might actually take time to get to know Cosette.

This family is neverending. It’s like a house that constantly requires construction and growth. If Jesse doesn’t feed what he thinks of as his addiction, then everything will fold in around him and he’ll combust. Ridiculous. We aren’t enough. What we had wasn’t good enough. What’s he looking for that we don’t already give him? He has something different in all of us, and I thought we offered a vast array of good qualities! Nothing’s ever good enough.

He’s not good enough. That’s his problem. I don’t know what he wants with this stupid binge that he’s on, but he needs to stop being so blind. He needs to stop being such a. I don’t even know what to say! I JUST WANT HIM TO STOP BRINGING THESE PEOPLE INTO THE FAMILY!

STOP SIRING SO MANY GODDAMN NOBODIES!

APPRECIATE US.

NOTICE US.

He’s so preoccupied with whatever he’s lacking that he can’t appreciate what he already has. That’s a shame. That’s disappointing. He’s disappointing. He’s infuriating. He makes me furious.

[Clover]

path·o·gen

/paTHəjən/

an agent, usually a microorganism, that causes infection or disease

“they are more like bloodborne pathogens”

---

Andras embodies a bloodborne pathogen. That’s why I chose the word for this entry. I thought I had to mention it so I wouldn’t forget the meaning behind the title (if I ever decide to reread today’s entry). Outside of the human body, a microorganism can be a good thing--I just had to mention that as well. Now onto the real matter at hand.

It begins. I wasn’t a witness to what happened and I don’t care what happened. One minute we were part of Andras and the next minute we weren’t. It was a bad breakup, in my opinion. Jesse seems hesitant to leave and Vel seems interested in keeping him there, but I could be wrong. It’s text and I’m not a mind reader or an empath.

I’d be a liar if I said I missed Andras or even liked Andras. I like a few of the people in the larger group. I like Zoey. I like Every. I can’t think of anyone else right now, so the list is over. I could say I think most of their members of egotistical assholes. I could say I think most of their members are entirely too hypocritical. I could spend a whole page rambling on about the problems, but I just don’t care enough to point out strengths or weaknesses. Fforde is Fforde again, nothing more and nothing less.

There were words thrown around on the family board. The whole thing was far too petty. It started with showing family support and became a childish game. Vic and Vel went back and forth for most of it, and then I’m assuming Vel took the whole display back to Andras, where she made it seem as if she were the victim. And they must have been all too happy to defend her imaginary honor. Today, I found out Vic was attacked. He was attacked over absolutely nothing. They brought guns to an argument.

Jesse says that we shouldn’t stoop to their level, but we all know why he’s saying that. Deep down, he might feel the connection remains with Andras. But the obvious choice is that he doesn’t want a war. Who does? I like one-on-one more than being ganged up on like some cheap hooker. Retaliating would be giving them exactly what they want. Anyone can see that they’ve been itching for action. I may have only seen or heard about a couple of meetings, but I imagine they’re like me. They want more than what they have.

I’m not sure what we’ll do. Normally I’m ferocious and headstrong, but I’m not, not now. I’m angry about what happened to Vic and I want vengeance, but I’m not in any hurry. Maybe it’s because we all saw this coming. We never trusted them from the very beginning. For me, the beginning wasn’t too long ago, but it still stands. I want to do things right. This whole mess is bigger than me. If it means taking a knee, then that’s what I’ll do. If it means dying, then that’s what I’ll do. Isn’t it funny how something like this brings people together? At least we haven’t lost that part of our human nature.

We’ve established some basic rules and plans. We have an understanding of what it is we’re doing and what it is we need to do. Something inside of me keeps calling out though. It’s like there’s something clawing at my insides. I can feel it ripping through layers of flesh. I just want to hurt someone. I just need to hurt someone. Anyone. I’m not headstrong when it comes to Andras, but I need blood. I need to hurt someone. I want to rip someone apart. I’m so tired of laughing and joking right now. I just want everything to be calm. I want to be calm.

This is the perfect time to introduce another topic. Felicity. I don’t want to talk about her, but this is my journal and I need to release some frustration. Kaelyn always knows what to say and do to try my patience. I like her. I do. Sometimes I still want to choke her. She pulled me aside and whispered four words that I’ll never erase from my mind. This reminds me of the time Mabel walked in on me and Domonic. It sounds a lot worse without an explanation, but nothing happened then. With Felicity, I just don’t know her, and something tells me that I shouldn’t get to know her. It’s the same feeling I got with Kane. Sometimes I need to listen to my gut.

I just don’t know where I am right now. My personal life is ****. I’m trying my best to master my skills and focus on my powers, but I’m **** at that too. Whenever I try to use my powers, I lose control and I end up breaking things or hurting myself. I’ve never needed my powers more than I need them now and I can’t do anything. Half the time I try to open a damn gateway, I end up taking part of the room with it. So far, that hasn’t happened at Larch. I just need more time. I need help. I don’t know what I’m ******* doing. I don’t know what I’m doing.

Is this entry really about Andras or about Fforde? Is it about me? Is it about Vic? I guess it’s more of an introduction to the fact that this is a new beginning. As if a beginning really needs an introduction. I guess we all have our own bloodborne pathogens.

[Clover]

de·fend

/dəˈfend/

to protect from harm; to justify; to write or speak in favor of someone or something

“now is not the time to defend her”

---

I can’t stop writing. I’m angry again. I’m pressing down on the paper until it rips and ink spills through to the next page. I’m still waiting for something to change, for someone to say something, but it’s too quiet.

Jesse defended her again. They’re always defending one another, even when they’re wrong. It’s admirable and disgusting all at the same time. I can see the worst in them as if they were wearing their personalities like new sweaters. I explained exactly what happened in Larch and he still managed to turn the conversation around to make it seem as if I had no interest in the safety of the family. He made her behavior out to be a nod to her devotion to him and her loyalty to the family. She just wants to do what is right. She just tries to do what he would do in that situation.

Sometimes I feel like I’m ******* insane around these people. I see one thing and they see another. They say one thing and I hear another. I know what I saw and what I heard. I saw the smirk on her face. I heard the tone she used. She asserted herself as the dominant one. She talked to Kenny like a dog. It’s more than just Kenny though. I don’t like listening to anyone. I have trouble with authority. And to have someone other than my ******* sire tell me that she’s in charge? I have a big problem with that.

She doesn’t get out much. That can excuse anything she says or does. I just misunderstood. That can excuse anything she says or does. She’s ******* him. That excuses all. Apparently, there’s Fforde law. I wasn’t aware that we had such a holy doctrine. Apparently, it came from Grey’s vagina. I just want her to realize that she isn’t Jesse and we aren’t her childer and she isn’t in charge of Fforde. She is just another pion like the rest of us.

I have to say I’m disappointed in Kaelyn too. She jumped on the bandwagon tonight. As soon as Grey pounced on Kenny, Kae had to join the fray. She reminded me of those spoiled kids from my childhood. A teacher’s pet. A follower. I’m angry with her too. She made valid points, but they were moot when she looked to Grey for reassurance and praise. I wish I could stay as angry with her as I am right now, but she’s charismatic. She’s manipulative. I can’t defend against everything.

Is this how it’s going to be once we get things settled? Jesse sleeps or leaves town and Grey takes over? We take our problems to her? Will we become another military-like family? Maybe the problem is me. That’s what I keep thinking over and over. The problem is me. Everyone else seems to get along with her. Felicity and Axel didn’t speak up. Victor didn’t say much to feed the argument. Maybe I’m the only one. Just when I thought we could move forward, I take five steps back. Do not cross ‘go,’ do not collect two-hundred dollars.

I think Grey is like Kaelyn, except in a very negative way. She’s charismatic and manipulative, except she doesn’t have that level of charm needed to make someone forget about her ugly side. She’s the whole reason that Vic got shot and she likes to place blame elsewhere. She likes playing the victim too much. Poor Grey. Jesse doesn’t help by coddling her like an injured bird. I bet she comes out of this mess unscathed. I’ll get another reminder that Grey doesn’t get out much. I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Jesse told me to trust him, but I can’t trust him when it comes to her. She’s got him wrapped around her little finger. I have to wonder if she sucks his dick before or after she gets away with murder. The thing that hurts though is the fact that he implied reprimandation for saying that Grey had an ugly smirk. I better not insult her. Don’t I know he’s humping her leg? Why yes, of course. Silly me. Bad Clover.

Kae invited me to another sleepover, but I can’t stand the thought of sleeping in this house again. Not right now. Not with how things went. I will not have someone lording over me. I’d rather burn in the sun. Right now, I can’t decide where to place the anger. Kaelyn. Grey. Jesse. Andras. It’s funny how I hate my sire and whatever Grey is more than the ones that attacked Victor. What does that say? Where does that leave me?

Maybe I can finally admit to myself that I’m pushing Jesse to lose control because I think she’s ruining him. The first time I spoke to her, I went to Jesse and complained. I told him that she came off cold and uninterested. He knew. He knows. He’s blind. I almost told her that she had no room to talk because it was all her fault, but I chose the high road. If I could turn around and drive that point home, I would.

And now I have to deal with Kae again. I have to listen to her recount what happened in ways that make Grey look innocent. I’m trying my hardest not to tell her I quit this poor excuse for a family. I’m angry and I know it. I don’t want to make it worse by shoving this tome so far up her *** that it never sees the light of day again. She’s my friend. If I keep writing that, it’ll click. She’s my friend. She’s my friend. I still want to strangle her.

What the hell is wrong with these people? Why am I the only one seeing this? Are they enchanted? Is there a spell that binds them to Jesse and someone forgot to wave the magic wand on me? I keep going back and forth on whether this family is a family or is my family. I don’t know, yet again, where my home is. Where do I feel safe? A bar. A ******* bar.

I tried confiding in Jesse and he failed me. They all ******* failed me. What I need now is someone who won’t disappoint me, and I don’t think a person like that exists. I’ll have to settle. I’ll settle by hunting. I’ll imagine them as my victims and I’ll torture them. I’ll bury my blade in their skulls. I’ll cut them open and play with their insides. I just need the blood to make this better again. To take the edge off. If I get enough of it I might be okay. I can be okay with being the insane one in whatever kind of relationship this is. Friends. Family. Bloodkin. Neighbors. Roommates.

I don’t have to deal with the mess anymore. No more defenses. Just blood and blood and blood.

[Clover]

gen·o·cide

/jenəˌsīd/

deliberate killing of a large group of people (esp. of a specific group or nation); mass murder; massacre

“it’s less of a genocide and more like a suicide”

---

How do I tell Jesse that I’m considering leaving Fforde? He’ll accuse me of being a coward. That’s the first step. Or maybe he’ll just wave. Maybe he’ll point to the door and throw my bags out after me. I’m one of many, insignificant and all too annoying. I can’t respect authority and I make things especially difficult. I can’t even decide if these repetitive thoughts and horrible images actually bother me or not.

I’ll be alone. I’ll be severing ties with my sire, my maker, my...I can’t think of other words to describe the bond. I can’t imagine the feeling. The thoughts and images about how it’ll all occur don’t bother me as much as the afterward. I just can’t get over the fact that I would be alone. How would I even survive? I said I lacked a purpose now. What kind of a purpose would I have then? Where would I stand in the world? I’ll be alone. Even when I lost myself in my life on the streets, living in squalor and slaughtering when I pleased, I knew I had a place to return to, a family to return to. If I leave Fforde, I won’t have that type of security. There is no fallback plan.

I do love Jesse. I love Renee. I love Victor. I also hate the changes being made. I dislike Grey. I don’t agree with Axel. I’ll be meeting with Jesse tomorrow to discuss the changes. Who knows. The meeting might actually sway my opinion. I might decide to forgive and forget. Isn’t that what I urged Kae to do with her own family issues? Yes. I acknowledge that I should do the same.

There’s a sort of blindness in this family that I’ve never seen before. There’s apathy everywhere. It’s far too easy to fall in line. There’s no question. I said that this family drives me mad and I’m serious. They feed the urges I have to torture and kill. Why trust a stranger? Why trust a ****-up that got us all into the mess in the first place? I wish I could list off Axel’s issues as I did with Grey’s, but I can’t. Kaelyn offered her opinion on the matter, but she’s wrong. I haven’t come up with an excuse for disliking Axel, but I will with time.

Jesse. The beginning of Fforde. I told Kenny that I thought Jesse was consumed by other things. I told her I thought he was unable to stop siring, or maybe he just chose to cast off the risk. At the same time, I know what I said to him and what I suggested to him and everyone else present during our family meeting. It’s complicated. I keep saying that. It’s complicated. It’s so ******* complicated. Blah blah blah. I expect him to bond with the ones he creates. I expect him to be selective. I expect him to make up for all the mistakes he’s made prior. I told Kenny I thought he was failing. He wasn’t bonding.

I told Kenny plenty of things, just like I told Mel plenty of things. I can’t go to anyone else about these thoughts. I asked Renee a question that might cause problems, but I’ll lie as gracefully as I can and move the topic to something else. Picking brains is my thing now. As for what else I told Mel and Kenny, I told them I blamed Grey for everything and I thought she never took responsibility for her actions.

What is the point of being in Fforde if I feel such negative emotions? Why should I stay when I resent them? I have nothing to give them and they have nothing to give me. I could sever ties. I could quit my job. I could never look back. I could be alone. I could be Clover.

I could make the biggest mistake in my life. I could turn something wonderful like a genocide into some sort of suicide. I don’t want to make the wrong choice. I can’t afford to make the wrong choice. I’m meeting with Jesse tomorrow and I don’t know what to say to him. How do I tell him that I’m considering leaving the family he worked so hard to build and maintain?

[Clover]

sac·ri·fice

/sakrəˌfīs/

the act of slaughtering someone or something in offering; giving up someone or something for the good of another

“sacrifice one to save them all”

---

We’re all tired of playing musical chairs. The truth is we would all continue the game forever if it meant saving Victor. Or maybe that’s just a few of us. I see it as a family sacrificing one person, and then another and another. Because if we sacrifice enough, maybe we’ll be okay and maybe the enemy will get bored and go away. That’s not how life works, not our lives now and not our lives then. If Jesse doesn’t want to fight, then we can at least do the next best thing and stop hiding. That’s exactly what this has become, a game of hide and seek.

I don’t think it’s immature to call things as they are and I don’t think it’s cowardly to refuse to fight. I do think it’s cowardly to hide. I think it’s incredibly cowardly to stand back and watch them lead a lamb to slaughter.

(If you ever read this Vic, I’m sorry I compared you to a lamb, but it’s a funny image, isn’t it?)

If Vic is man enough to say he’ll take whatever Velveteen has to dish out, then why can’t Grey do the same? Why can’t Jesse do the same? Although Jesse did say something close to taking responsibility for the whole family, but what does that really prove? I know it’s a hard decision. I know it’s a loss no matter which path we choose to take, but we should at least have some balls. We should be content with the choice. Make peace with things.

I know it makes no difference whether I live or die, but I’ve toyed with the idea of going too. If Vel finally does kill Vic. It’s not about being overly emotional or never coming back again. I think we should all live or all die. It’s poetic. If it were Jesse, I would do the same thing. Or Renee. Or Kenlie. If it were Grey, I would piss on the spot where she died.

Vic is sacrificing himself. Some people might not see it that way, like Kaelyn. She can’t see much of anything though, since she can’t think objectively. Vic is constantly moving from place to place, mostly because he can’t stand being in Larch anymore than he has to be, and he has to be there (good job listening to Jesse). The whole situation hurts Kenlie. I’m sure it hurts Kaelyn. It hurts me too. It has to hurt Jesse, since this is all Grey’s fault (therefore, all Jesse’s fault). Vi’s willing to meet the consequences, even if Velveteen never has to meet with her own.

Stop being cowards. Stop hiding. Stop talking to members of Andras about the situation. Stop giving incorrect orders and changing orders and flailing your hands like a *****. Get out of Larch. If you (a general ‘you’) don’t want to fight, then don’t fight. Stand tall. If you want to fight, then fight. Jesse should be supportive either way. And for ****’s sake, Grey, stop whining about how they’re waiting for you and cursing you. There’s a target on your back because you painted a target on your back.

We shouldn’t need sacrifices for this situation, but I admire Kaelyn for offering herself. I think the idea of offering herself in exchange for Victor’s safety is incredibly stupid and shows her age, but the thought came from a good place. Her heart was in the right place.

No matter what happens, I stand by what I said here. Fforde shouldn’t be hiding. (I say Fforde in a general sense because I know not everyone is glued to Larch--I’m not.) We stand together, even if I want to cut certain members down (that means Grey). I’ve said over and over that the best offense is a defense, but no one listens. A defensive strategy is hiding, but that’s not what you rely on. Moving around from place to place is a defensive strategy, but we aren’t rabbits. We have powers for a reason. We have brains for a reason. Jesse believes this is a game and things will quiet down, but that doesn’t mean we have to wait in a dark hole until the proverbial sun comes out again.

I feel like I’m the odd one out again. Right now, I wish I could be the sacrifice. Take me instead.

[Clover]

pa·tron·ize

/pātrəˌnīz/

to look down on; to treat condescendingly

“you have such a patronizing tone”

---

Tonight just feeds the irritation all over again. Go and talk to him, he says. He won’t get pissed off, he says. I spoke freely and all I got in return was a patronizing tone. I have no more interest in what this family decides to do, or not to do, regarding Andras. I disagree wholeheartedly though. I think he’s making stupid choices. I wouldn’t say I’ve lost respect for him, since he admitted the fact that he was in foreign waters. At least, I haven’t lost respect for him for that reason. I don’t like being talked to like I’m a ******* moron, and that’s exactly what happened in that basement. And I didn’t miss the fact that he rolled his eyes. I lost respect for him for those reasons and those reasons alone.

So here I am writing in this ******* journal.

Sorry, journal. You’re more important than that. Even though you look like ****. I really need to get a new one.

Jesse called for a family meeting and I chose not to attend. It’s killing me not to be there. I want to hurt him so much though. Kaelyn poked me to try and get me back there. And she used whatever ammunition she could, from mentioning that Jesse is pouting (which I doubt) to the fact that this is all for Victor (which isn’t true at all). I’m ready to give in, but Victor and Renee aren’t at that meeting. What’s the point in going? And if that’s true, what does that say about me? Am I loyal to the family or just bits and pieces of it? Is selective loyalty as awful as it sounds?

Why is every decision such a hassle?

If I go back there, I’ll only be reinforcing his behavior. He’ll keep using that same patronizing tone. Look at me, I’m Jesse. I can be an asshole and I won’t have to deal with the consequences. They’ll eventually come back and I won’t even have to apologize! I’ll just deny everything and spend fifteen hours explaining why I’m right and they’re wrong. By then, they’ll forget about wanting an apology at all.

I think I just spent too much time at the workbench. I worked hard on those poison traps. I offered them up to him to show that I’d made progress. I thought he might actually want to use them on the house, since every house should have security. No. He misunderstood. Well, **** him.

**** his patronizing tone. Let him do whatever he wants. I'll go back to my empty house and binge on outdated television shows.

[Clover]

sor·row

/särō/

misery; unhappiness; despair; a feeling of deep distress

“i know true sorrow”

---

I haven’t written lately. I could name any number of reasons, but I won’t waste time going into detail with every single one. My family is whole and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. Except I think that I might have to ask for much more.

Tonight was the engagement party for Renee and Simon. I attended the party for Renee, but I should have skipped. I’d heard some things about Simon, some good and some bad, so I wasn’t under obligation to attend; however, I went for her. I just couldn’t miss the party. At the end, I wish I hadn’t attended. I made a mess of things.

I saw him again. No, I don’t mean Zach. I mean the one responsible for my very first contact with vampires. I mean Quoth. (I hate writing his name or speaking his name; it makes my skin crawl.) At first, I didn’t recognize him. With everyone at the party and all the mingling, I didn’t get a good look at his face. I should have paid more attention to Kenlie or Renee. I wouldn’t have noticed him at all if I did what I was supposed to do and introduced myself to the rest of the people. It was Renee’s night. I suppose it was Simon’s too, even though I don’t know him.

I remember the sudden urge to lash out at him. I was furious. Nothing mattered as much as hitting him, killing him. I did land one good hit before I was properly restrained and escorted out of the party. I don’t think I had the chance to really apologize to Renee. I never meant to lose control. Whenever I’m around him, I can’t seem to think straight. All I know is anger. All I know is pure rage.

If it weren’t for Kenlie and my newfound acquaintance, Niklaus, I might have been hurt. I would say that I might have hurt him, but that’s highly unlikely. I know a manipulative man when I see one and he seemed like he wanted to play the part of the victim more than anything. Someone else would have defended him and I would have been even more of an embarrassment to Fforde. That’s what hurt. I was worried how Jesse would react.

Once I’d gathered my thoughts, I focused on ideas for damage control. And after that, I focused on why I lost control. I saw red again, just like that first night I met him. It was like he had the ability to make me lose control. Niklaus said he would look into it, which I’m grateful for, and I knew then that I was headed down the right path. I wasn’t losing my mind. All those months ago, I wasn’t crazy. The days I spent in that hospital, the torture and humiliation at the hands of the staff, were for nothing.

When it came time to tell Jesse, I chose not to. I drew out the inevitable meeting until Renee thrust me into the spotlight. I told him I was waiting for the right time, but it was a lie. I was hoping I could brush it under the rug. I wanted everyone to forget. I expected Jesse to be angry or disappointed, but he listened to me. He was patient with me. I had to wonder whether it had to do with Grey. She’s always brought up as the reason for his calmer moments. Or maybe it was because he’s sired recently. I’m not sure. I can’t say. All I know is that our talk didn’t go as anticipated.

I’ll never live down that meeting. I’ll never be able to apologize enough for how I ruined Renee’s moment. At the same time, I’ll never forget Jesse’s reaction and the understanding and defensive nature of the few family members involved.

This post is backdated.

[Clover]

con·tent

/kənˈtent/

a state of satisfaction; pleased; fulfilled

“in a way, i’m content”

---

I left things at an awkward moment. I couldn’t think of anything to say or anything to write, so I stopped trying. Call it writer’s block. Whenever I tried putting a pen to paper, I drew any number of blanks. I saw endless loops revolving around Quoth or Nik or Niklaus, etc. Maybe it wasn’t a lack of thoughts so much as an overwhelming number of thoughts? They were jumbled. They’re still jumbled.

For this entry, I chose the word content. I’m not sure if that’s what I am, not entirely. I’ve been neglecting my family and focusing more on crafting different gadgets and traps. I succeeded in making my first rigged camera and I’ve been producing smoke bombs and knockout bombs. All I want to do is craft. Crafting means I don’t have to deal with the rest of Fforde. It means I don’t have to socialize. When I’m making different things, I don’t have to deal with the thirst or with the urges.

Between us, and I mean between these pages and myself, I’ve come to a realization. I know why I’m here. I know why I’m trying so hard. Even though Jesse irritates me. Even though Grey disgusts me. Even though I’m one of many. I suppose I’m content in trying. That might be why I chose the word, but who knows?

This post is backdated.

[Clover]

de·sire

/dəˈzī(ə)r/

a strong feeling of wanting something; to wish for something; to yearn for something

“will you ever stop desiring them?”

---

I don’t know what to say to him, or rather I don’t know what to say to him without yelling at him or insulting him or escalating into trying to dismember him. I’m furious. I’m disappointed. I’m confused. I don’t understand why Jesse is siring these people when he told me he would try to restrain himself. I don’t understand why he’s siring these people when he’s held out longer before this. I’m disappointed that he’s gone back on his word. I’m furious that he’s gone back on his word.

Does he even know them? Wouldn’t it be easier to just kill them? I think he mentioned that he had to kill the ones he fed on because, for some reason, they became one of us, but it was so long ago that I can’t really be sure what he said. He’s an emotional wreck, or he was the last time we spoke. I’ve been avoiding him more than the other family members. I just don’t know what to say to him. And now, with the sirings, I’m even more aggravated. I’m holding back because I care. What I posted on the net is nothing compared to what I want to say to him.

I want to tell him that he’s being selfish and immature. He’s not thinking things through. He has to focus on the family he has rather than grabbing every Harry and Sally he sees on the street. And if he knows the ones he’s dragged into this family? He still has no excuse for collecting childer like he’s grocery shopping. We matter. Don’t we matter? Consider it morbid possessiveness, but I hate when he sires. I’m content with what we have, even if we’re scattered. I know I told him that we need to expand the family. I know what I told him. I think that it’s true, but we also have to keep everything in order. We’re not ready. I’m not ready.

I ask myself why he doesn’t reach out to the childer he has, but then he would justify his actions by saying we could easily reach out to him. That is true; however, he has the need too. Why doesn’t he call? Why doesn’t he text? He sits and waits like a king upon his throne when he should be reaching out to his vast collection of childer. He should be explaining and teaching. I don’t know the questions to ask. How do I ask about what powers I can possess and what I can do with the path I’m on.

I want someone there. I’m tired of the competition. It’s to the point where I don’t even remember their names. They are nameless, faceless vampires wandering around the family home, the place he wants me to call home. I despise the fact that he expects me to sleep near total strangers. Saying they are Fforde doesn’t change the fact that they mean absolutely nothing to me. Without bonds, they are nothing but bodies. They take up valuable space that would be better used for plants or a bar.

Sometimes I wish he left me in the sewers. To think that I’m just like the ones he’s siring now, that I’m just another item or object rather than an individual, that hurts more than bullet wounds. I was, and I am, one of many. Doesn’t it bother anyone else? Doesn’t it matter? While ones like Kaelyn may enjoy the new company, I despise it. I hate that he can’t control himself, or that he doesn’t really try. He’d rather excuse his behavior by blaming it on something else, something like his addiction or his urges or his vampiric curses. I can fight my urges with help. I can refrain if someone’s there for me. Where the hell is his support, if he’s so in need of outside strength?

I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I just sit and watch the newer members of the family. I calculate how much damage I could do before someone stepped in and killed me. I calculate how long it would take before I was disowned. If he wants to discuss urges, I can discuss urges. He has no idea about my urges. He has no idea what I want or don’t want. He doesn’t know what I’m going through right now whenever I feed. I’m scared and alone. I’m trying to navigate this city by myself. And he would say, “Why didn’t you come to me?” And I would say the same thing to him. His actions, his behavior, say that he’s passive about his family. He creates us and then he stands back and watches us sink or swim.

The more I write about this, the angrier I get. I keep going back and forth between this book and the net. All I want to do is slap him. His sense of humor and his heavy dose of sarcasm isn’t amusing me right now. I’m trying my own hand at sarcasm because I don’t think losing my temper where everyone can see would be a very classy move. I have so much to say that it’s hurting me physically to keep it all inside. I have more that I could write, but it’s not the time. It’s not appropriate right now. Maybe later. Maybe when things have calmed down and I no longer want to scalp Jesse. Or cut off his fingers. Or gouge out his eyes.

He has the unhealthiest of desires, which seems hypocritical coming from someone like me. I stand by my words.

[Clover]

con·done

/kənˈdōn/

to accept or allow behavior (that’s frowned upon for one reason or another) to continue; to overlook; to disregard

“i said i wouldn’t condone your behavior”

---

Somehow, I got myself involved in a manhunt for knowledge. I need to find someone that might understand what Jesse is going through, but I don’t really have a contact list full of specialists. He’s going to ask Doc. (I think Doc is a loon, but I’ve heard that he’s as smart as he is crazy.) I think I’ll ask Niklaus. I have to ask someone. I can’t say that I’ll help and then give up without even trying. I can’t let him down.

Before, Jesse could go about five or six months without getting too bad. I want to say the number is closer to five rather than six, based on what he told me when we first discussed his inability to maintain control. I’m not sure about his stats now, but it seems worse? He’s bringing them in two-by-two like the next Noah. He told me he would stop if he didn’t feel the constant urge, the thirst, the drive, for more childer. Now it’s my goal to motivate him to find the solution or to find it for him.

I intended to let loose all the pent-up rage and hostility. I had an order in place for when I would bring up different annoyances. When we actually started talking about how he felt when he went long periods of time without siring, I forgot my plans. He presented me with a fictional scenario in which I got to choose which Jesse I would have, one that sired too many vampires and one that tried killing himself. I never answered him, but I would have picked suicidal Jesse. Is that wrong to admit?

He told me that everyone got tired of his downward spiral. The word emo came up. I would rather have the emo version and maintain the family we have now than have the sire-crazy version that insists on recruiting everyone. I guess it doesn’t really matter now though. We’re fixing things; he’s fixing things.

I’m not finished with this entry yet, so I’ll continue it and update it under another title. Or maybe I won’t update it at all. Lately, I’ve just been holding back.