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[Reanna]

Reanna's journal is made of black leather, with a purple ribbon wrapped around it. She'll carry it with her, or leave it by her ritual altar in her apartment. Due to her lack of understanding of the English language, there will be grammar mistakes, unless she has Corinth help her.

1/09/2015

It has been less than a week since my husband returned from hell. At least, it is my version of hell. It is a place so cold, so dark and so lonely, that it sends chills down my spine each time I think of it. When I imagine is stay there, without someone to talk to as I had, without someone to guide him through - I feel an ache in my chest. It is something that I cannot describe. I have tried, I have gone over the thoughts in my head, to try and put them into words, but I cannot. So, I have come here, to this journal. I have seen many people carry one around. Every has promised me that it is therapeutic, though I am not too certain.

How can something so... juvenile... take away what I feel inside? How can it ease the ache in my chest, or the burning fire in the pit of my stomach? I do not have these answers, but I have decided to try - even if I must enlist the help of my wraith to manage the English language. I must do something before I completely fall apart. It would not benefit anyone if I were to resort back to my old ways, the way I was before my life was ripped into tiny little shreds by the claws of fate. My husband has told me time and time again that I am stronger than I believe, but he is wrong. I know I am strong. It is not my strength that I have self-doubt of. It is my will. Tiny bits of my will have cracked, and I find myself starting to care about things I should not. When he left me, I felt as if I had been shattered. I could not feed, I could not think. If it were not for Micah, I would have faded into nothing.

That is not the woman I was trained to be. That is not the heartless, unnerved soldier that my brother had spent his days and nights perfecting. Even now, as I write these words, I can feel his disdain. He is over my shoulder, taunting me, telling me I am much like those teenage girls that fill the lines with pointless dribble. I cannot escape him. Is this how I am to live the rest of eternity, with the ghost of Markus latched onto my broken spirit, too stubborn to depart? I feel him in everything I do, I feel his judgment, his disappointment. I am not careless. I am not heartless - and he hates me for it.

Perhaps I should join him.

Every has gone missing again. It is as if I manage to get one person back, and yet the fates trade with me. They give and they take. I have looked for her. I have searched the hut, I have gone to her haunts, and to her apartment. The night of the Anniversary for Tytonidae, I had searched for hours. I had news to deliver, but she was no where to be found. It is not as if I am honestly surprised. This is not the first time that she had come up missing, and it is not going to be the last. I want to have faith that it will change, and that she will stay with us. I want to believe that she will quit hiding from the world or allowing the shadows to control her, but I know that it is a fruitless hope. She knows the affect it has on me, she understands what I have been through. From my parents, to my brother and to Juliet, I have been left behind. It is a depressing thought, now that I read over my own words, but it is one that has embedded itself in my mind and heart, one that I cannot rid myself of.

I have not given up on her, however, though I can feel the desire to do so. I know though, that it is the wish of my old ways that push me towards abandoning her. I know it is true of my husband and my sister, as well. We have yet to give up hope that she will go back to how she was. Or perhaps, she will be better than the woman she used to be. Changes are not always bad. I simply hope she knows what she is doing and returns soon. It does not settle well with me when she is gone for too long.

I suppose I should write down the news here, before I forget, though it is highly unlikely. I was not expecting anything from Velveteen or from Micah, not after they had gifted me my falcon, who I have aptly named Teros, but they surprised me once again. They have given me a seat on the council. It is not something I have expected, or even vied for. It is not something that I even wanted, until I had it in my grasp. I was more than willing to be their gun, but it has made me feel... useful... to know that they see something in me that I have thought I had long lost. They see the potential, the soldier. They see the woman who had lead teams into battle and who had lead her own factions when she was only a teenager. Perhaps, with this achievement, I will be able to find myself again. I will be able to be the woman I used to be.

Or perhaps, I too, will fade away.

[Reanna]

1/30/2015

I am not sure where to begin.

It is as those things are headed no where and yet everywhere at once. My mind is racing, my thoughts are no longer making sense. It is taking all that my wraith has to translate them so I can put them onto this lone piece of paper. I suppose, though, I should start at the beginning. I should explain as to why there is such a lapse in my writing, my therapy, as they would say. It is not that I have refused to try, it is that I have simply forgotten. It is not easy for me to recall things that involve emotion. It does not settle well with me, I do not like to dig deep.

Nothing good ever comes of it.

Let me begin by speaking of the more tragic of events. Tragic for others, I suppose, but not so much for me. In fact, for me, it was... intriguing. I have never witnessed a storm of such violent proportions. It raged and it growled, and it sent shivers down my spine. The ground shook as if a massive beast were trying to claw its way to the surface and swallow us whole. The streets flooded with water, taking houses and people with it in its whirlpool of destruction. I had to seek shelter, for even though I am immortal, I knew I would not survive such treacherous events. I found myself in a lone building, and though I had hoped to be on my own, I was put with Remington. He is a faction member, one I do not know well. He comes off as someone who believes he knows everything, and he also acts as if he has a right to state opinions. These are not bad qualities to me, it shows great potential to be a leader, but it makes a few uncomfortable. It also makes me wish shooting people was acceptable within our ranks, but alas, it would anger Velveteen. (On second though, I wish to shoot a lot of people for no reason at all. I suppose that does not make him a special case.)

We were trapped together with no means of escape before the sun rose, and there were humans present. Markus demanded I kill them, and I found myself unable to argue his logic. It would be simpler to kill them, to dig my hands into their chests and rip out their hearts - but we never got the chance. By the time we came up with a plan, the storm had renewed its monstrosity and... Well, I do not remember much after that, to be honest. I believe I was knocked out cold, which angered me when I came to. I do not like to show weakness, but it is not as if I could have battled a ceiling and win. Especially when it had the upper hand.

Life was uneventful after that. There were heartbreaking (for others) stories of loss and despair. It fed my husband's need for chaos and my need for injustice. I did learn that my childe had gotten married without allowing me to know. He seemed scared of the idea, as if he had something to hide. I wonder if he's truly happy, and then I remember - I don't really care. He is a grown man, despite his tendecies. If he is not happy, he can kill her and we can continue on as we were. I preferred his ex, if I am to be honest. At least she could hold her own.

Every is still... I do not know what to say about her. One moment, she is fine, and the next it is as if the world is falling apart. I do not understand the dramatics of these situations. There is too much emotion. Perhaps I should teach her how to wall herself off from the world and still be apart of it. I have mastered it well. It cannot be too difficult. There is not much more for me to say, especially with my brother talking in my ear. He still taunts me about keeping this. I am glad that Kirill has yet to find it. I fear what he would do if he knew that Markus was still plaguing my every alert moment.

It could not be too good...

[Reanna]

4/2/2015

I am not sure where to begin. There has not been a lot that has happened that requires immediate writing about. I had my first kill during a hunt. It was a moment I should have felt proud, but due to the target, I felt nothing. I had to take Jamie's life - Jamie, who had once been Athena, the fiance to the woman who turned me. She is the reason that Juliet left in the beginning, and yet I still felt nothing when I splattered her brains on the sewer walls. I still continued to feel nothing, even as I delivered the news to Juliet. She cried. I did not understand why. I tried to remember when I had ever felt such emotional disruption that I looked as she did, and I came up clear. Am I really a monster?

If I were to ask some of the other people in Andras - or even Tytonidae - they would probably agree. They would probably tell me I should be locked away, that I am inhuman. They are right. I cannot control these things inside of me, this darkness that swirls and knots in the center of my chest. They do not understand the life I have lead, or what I have had to do to survive. They believe they do, because they have killed to, but that was after. That was after they had been turned. Most have not taken a life when the were human. Most had a childhood that they can remember fondly. I cannot.

Twin understands this, she understands that I have issues I cannot voice. Even if her childe does not, this Marjani, Twin does. With Marjani comes another emotion I do not understand. She became so angry and ready to lash out like a child throwing tantrum because I was worried over Twin's safety. She is still new to this life, still unable to control herself. I have been here far longer, and I have been there for Twin far longer. I am going to worry about her. I do not worry about many people, and I will not allow a spoiled fledgling to take away one of the few that I do. Kirill told me that my words had been harsh to her, but when have I ever not spoken harshly when it was deserved?

The only other event I can think of that plagues me is what transpired last night. Every has sired. She has gone out into the world and found another. She expects me - us - to accept this, and it is clear we cannot. How could she even do such a thing? Does it make us selfish to wish to be the only ones? Of course, but it is not wrong of us. I know I am only adopted in, but she is my family. My home. I will not allow the peace, our haven, to be disrupted by some idiotic little fledgling who probably does not know a damned thing about this world. I tremble just thinking about the damage she can do to us, of Every sinking her fangs into her disgusting throat. Every has had made wrong choices in the past when it comes to childer. What will happen if this turns into another Szabina? Aysel? What will happen to us, then?

Niet. I cannot allow her to cause us any trouble.
Every is ours.
OURS.

I will simply have to rid us of the plague.
Permanently.

[Reanna]

4/8/2015

I do not understand what Every was thinking when she chose to turn this Naomi. At first, it was a strange sensation in the center of my chest, as if something dark had dug their claws into my heart and squeezed. I have only ever felt such a monster when women near my husband, so to feel it when she brought in this... menace... was quite surprising. However, it has been joined by disdain as I continue to watch how she interacts in our family. Her first mistake was joining, her second was speaking to Twin as she has. She calls her some strange name, and though I do not speak her language, it is clear it is not friendly.

I saw red when I read the words she had written. It took my husband pinning me to the chair to stop my tracking her and killing her then. I know that Every will be upset with me for what I had chosen to say to her newest toy, but I do not care. She does not control me, nor does she frighten me. I do not wish to disappoint her, but it is beyond that already. She is supposed to be the one that understands me, but she has changed - I can see it in how she approached the situation already. She lectured us like we were school children and not full grown adults, or her equals. This is not the Every I know, and I only fear that her bringing in Naomi is the beginning of the end.

How can she not see that she does not belong? This is not us acting as if we were that ***** Szabina. This is us being purely concerned for what that ***** has caused in the past. I believe without a doubt that I will not be able to stomach this newcomer. It is clear that she is not welcomed, and instead of attempting to mend bridges, she has set fire to them. She speaks of honor, but she does not understand the word. She acts as if she is some prize to be loved, but she is nothing. Every may not see it, I do not know what is clouding her judgement, but I honestly feel as if I am losing her.

Naomi speaks of losing family, but it does not make her special, nor does it earn her respect or as Corinth is saying 'brownie points.' I have lost my family, I have seen my brother murdered in front of my eyes, I have no one left. We have all lost something, and for her to use it for her own gain sickens me.

I know I am no true Andras, despite Micah constantly telling me that I am, but that does not mean that I will not protect what is mine until the end of time.

[Every]

April 8th, 2015

First off, you are not a monster, Reanna. You’ve been hurt and lost in the past and because of such, you are going to be putting others off at a distance. I know this because I’m the same way. I don’t like letting many in entirely, and I still don’t. There are some that can manage to get past the walls I’ve put up, and I’m still wary of them breaking them down. I can understand why you are the way you are. I may not have witnessed my eldest brother’s death, but the others were at my hands. And I know what it feels like to be so reluctant to watch a family member get hurt just because of another person.

Also, I don’t expect you all to accept Naomi. And, if you guys actually automatically accepted her, then I would be concerned on your wellbeing. You know nothing about her. But, you do know me and despite my mistakes, I am capable of making decisions that can either help me grow or hinder me. For me to not sire again because of the issues caused with Aysel and Szabina would be just as counterproductive as it would have been after I had sired Hadrian and that relationship fell to pieces. Before Nishaa, I had no plans to sire again ever. But, I was told that allowing myself to hide behind that fear would be stalling my growth as a sire and as an individual.

If this siring backfires on me, that isn’t on you, or Nishaa, or Kirill. It is not on Micah or Velveteen. It would be entirely on me and I don’t want you guys to feel guilty. Yes, I’ve made mistakes, but I’m learning from them. Siring is just as much as a learning experience for the sire as much as it is the childe. We have to adapt, see how they react to things. If it makes you feel any better, as well, my fangs didn’t go near her neck. Naomi was already bleeding out when I fed her my blood. And, if this turns into another Szabina or Aysel? I know you three will have my back and like with Micah and Vel, as well as Curtis, I know that you guys will try to keep me grounded as well as be there when I need some sense knocked into me.

I can’t explain what I was thinking when I was turning Naomi. But, I can’t explain what I was thinking for Nishaa or Kirill. And for me, that’s a positive thing. The sensation that you’re feeling sounds like jealousy and discomfort, wariness. All of which are normal. Naomi also had no decision to join our family, Ray. I stopped her from committing suicide in front of me because didn’t get the sword that I had stolen from her back. No, Naomi shouldn’t have insulted Nishaa. However, I am glad to know she has no issue trying to stand up for herself. That’s something that I should have done when I was first turned.

And yes, I am upset with you. And no, she is not my toy. Honestly, I’ve never really been fond of the idea of playing with others, but the last person I did toy with ended up doing a lot of damage to me. I don’t care if you don’t care, though, I do ask that you respect my decisions because I am your sire. I don’t want to control you or Nishaa, or Kirill. You aren’t children, but do look over your words and tell me if you do not feel as if you were being childish, Reanna. I wasn’t lecturing you, I was however, very disappointed and insulted, and angry at you and your sibling. I’m sorry that I upset you, if I have. I got overwhelmed and I let anger cloud my judgment, which is something I’m never fond of doing. It led to a rift between my sire and I last time, and that was something I’ve only recently repaired.

I have changed. Everyone changes, its how we learn. Can you honestly say that you are the same cold hearted woman you were when I adopted you? I can say with sureness that you aren’t. You did not trust or care for others, Ray. And now you’re getting hostile because I sired someone else.

Naomi doesn’t belong because she hasn’t found her footing in our family yet, love. She’s young, but she has potential. How many people do you know have enough ability to bite back at Nish? You will never lose me, Reanna. I don’t know how many times I’ll have to say it, but here it is, written down and bolded and underlined. I may lose my footing from time to time, but I’m always going to be here for you and your siblings. And as for Szabina? This is her loss. It is Aysel’s loss. I don’t want to see you lose yourself into being a bitter person that has no ability to accept others into our line. That was Szabina’s downfall.

You have many left. You have Vel, Micah, Nishaa, Kirill and I. You have Helena, and you have the Andras family, as well as Tytonidae. I’m sure if you got to know him, you would have Curtis, as well, at some point.

And don’t start on saying that you are no true Andras. Micah’s right that you are, and as much as it kills me, he has always been the one that has every right to say I told you so at the end of the day when I find myself backed into a corner. You are my childe, Reanna. You might not be mine directly, but the blood that runs through your veins through your binding to Kirill is my blood. It is Micah’s blood. It’s the blood of a true Andras, and no one will ever be able to take that away from you.

Now buck up, my Catastrophe. And prove those that have said otherwise wrong.

Every.

[Reanna]

July 26, 2015

I am not sure how I feel.

I know that I have done bad things. I do not regret these things. I do not regret how I feel regarding the blood of innocents on my hands. They deserved to die. They needed to perish for the sins their families had committed against mine. My husband looked on in pride as I took down the wife of Kresley.

If he is to continue to hide with his little band of fools, then we will continue to hunt.

Niet, that is not the issue.

The issue is this life.

I have adjusted nicely, but I still feel... empty. I am council of Tytonidae, a faction that I support almost as strongly as I had once supported my brother. I still do not speak to the woman that turned me, however, I have found myself in Andras. It is a strong family and it is one that I feel comfortable in, though I do not speak out in it often. I just do not see the necessity in pointless drivel, and I know that I have nothing of note to contribute outside of speaking with Micah, Twin and my husband. They are the only ones that seem to understand me without judgment. I know I should have listed Every, there, but I feel as if I no longer can. Things have changed between us.

We used to be close. I used to be able to think of her as my best friend, but ever since her little duo of whores had their childish fits, she seems to be different. She values Twin above all else, and I know that it hurts my husband. I do not care for myself, but she does not treat him with the respect that he deserves. He will not speak on it, but I have seen it in his eyes. He has made attempts to be around more often, but she will not call on him. She does not e-mail him [or me], text, nor does she reach out to either one. However, she reaches out to Twin. It is not Twin's fault, we understand this. She was her first. I am glad that she is at least treating her as deserved.

I should talk to her, but how can I? She has done this before, where she shuts down. She has centered her life around Spade, and without him there, she has begun to wither away. She will become defensive, say it is not true, but it is more than just me that sees these changes. I have lost track of all the questions regarding her well being, as if I am her keeper. I used to be able to answer them truthfully, but now I can merely shake my head and be as lost as they while we watch her crumble into dust. I want to help her. I want my partner back. I do not like that I cannot go to her regarding anything. I do not like that my husband feels less than needed by the woman he trusted to reunite us.

I do not like that there is feelings she favors others over her creations, or that Twin feels threatened whenever anyone comes near her. It used to not be so bad, but with the changes in Every, her possessive nature has grown worse. I am thrilled that she has found a confidante in Marjani, however. She is young, but she is good for her. I can see her devotion to her in her eyes. I could not have paired her with a better person. I digress, however. I fear that Every is not pleased with anything I say or do. I do not look for praise when I get promoted, when I land a kill or when I am given jobs within my faction, but I feel as if it hurts her. Someone used a word regarding it before... envy... they claimed that she is envious of my success. It is not a feeling I want to associate with our relationship. I cannot help that I was born for this life.

I have no hobbies outside of what I do.

I do not love many people, but I love her. I will defend her and support her, but I cannot help but feel this way.

Without her to rely on, I have been spending more time with Micah. He and his wife both are admirable people. He has been helping me regarding my rituals. I do not enjoy those pesky demi-fae. They are bothersome and tedious, but he is pleased with my progress. He does not judge me, and we tend to see eye to eye on most every thought and opinion. He understands what I am trying to say, even when I cannot say it. It is a refreshing change of pace. He has become a great mentor in this vampiric life, and Velveteen has, as well. We do not speak as much as we should, I believe, but I know she is busy. She has her hands full with her job as a faction leader. She is abrasive and she is brave. I am quite content in calling her my boss. She is everything that I was trained to believe in, and I know that she will not falter as my brother has done.

I am quite sure my thoughts are a jumbled mess, but I do not have the leisure of proof-reading what Corinth promises me is fine, as Kirill is once again confused in which food to feed my hawk. I must go to him before he ends up poisoning the poor creature.

[Reanna]

July 31, 2015

The nightmares are worse. I cannot think straight. I feel as if I am being torn in two, and I do not know which to choose. I have tried to hide it, even from my husband, but I know that he sees. He is the only one that can see. That can know.

I managed to get them to quiet when Nishaa was bound. I have not been one for marriage or for the emotions that come with it, but I felt content that she has found someone worthy. You could see the devotion in Marjani's eyes.

I am pleased with this choice.

I did not care much for her last options. They mistreated her. She is rough, she is angry and she is broken - and for that, she deserves the right partner. Someone that can soothe and love her through her beautiful faults. What better choice than the person you created to live for eternity?

I watched as they began to dance, and that is the last that I remember. It was as if a switch had been flicked. They were dancing, people were laughing - and then there was blood. Not on them, but in my mind. I was re-living the moments I have been re-living a thousand times. I am chained by memories I cannot escape. I just could not believe that it was happening then - there.

I felt his arm go around me, and I felt him pull me in and heard his whispers in my ear as we faded into the background. I refused to leave completely. I had to be there for her, to see her through her happiness moment. Even if she could not see me, I would remain.

[Reanna]

It has been a while since I was removed from Tytonidae, and I finally find I am able to put into words what I had felt during those final hours.

I thought I would be upset about it. I thought I would hurt, I thought I would feel as if I were the failure he always deemed I would be - but I was relieved. For months before my departure, the 'faction' had been falling apart. Instead of being a colony of strong, independent fighters, they were reduced to squabbling children. We stood for nothing. We were cowards hiding behind a leader that lost her footing and fell so far, she became a stranger. In order to lead an army, you have to have a strong hand - and she could not wipe her own *** without the approval from her husband. We no longer cared about secrecy or protecting Harper Rock. It became a game to them. The drama, the lying, the fighting and the deceit - it was less of a faction and more of a playground.

Niet, I do not care that I no longer wear their name.
I care that they were too cowardly to even approach me.

There was no reason for the sudden release. No one called me, nor did they leave a message anywhere. Both my childe and I were left to find out on our own, when we attempted to reach our base and were left outside, instead.

That was their way of slamming the doors.
Cowards, all of them.

Now that I have returned to Harper Rock, I realize that I have returned to chaos. Our kind is known. I do not know how I feel about it. I walk into a building, and I do not have to hide what I am capable of. Yet, I do not trust in this uneasy alliance that I have heard whispered among the streets.

In the blink of an eye, the prey can become the predator.
I am not foolish enough to turn my backs on them.

[Reanna]

It is time to let the fun begin.