To run is better than to pace. To walk back and forth barely even wearing a hole into the ground one stands upon. Self-inflicted rehabilitation has not worked, in the grand scheme of things. One cannot take oneself out of the world when connected to others, whether by blood or by faction or by adoption. A break has been suggested; officially sanctioned permission to remain ensconced in solitude, to try to maintain calm and control the urges constantly running awry in Jesse’s system.
Patience is something that Jesse has pride in himself for. Except, pride is also something that Jesse has an abundance of. Pride in self. Where once he had given no shits about what anyone else thought, he now gives more shits than he would care to admit to. This he attributes to several things. First: he never had anyone he cared about, or whose opinion mattered. Second: he had an ego to match his pride, and gave no shits because he always believed himself to be the best kind of person. Except, lately, and periodically these days, he is subjected to heavy doses of self-loathing and low self-esteem. The worst fear he has is letting down those he cares about. Thus—giving shits that he’d prefer not to give.
And, thus, he would not be taking leave. He would be attending hunts, as per usual. And he would drink the blood that his fiancé brings to him because he will not have her worrying. He cannot fall apart. Cannot, for Grey’s sake. Because if he falls apart, she will fall apart too. And he will never forgive himself if anything should happen to Grey because of his own shortcomings.
The self-inflicted rehabilitation had only lasted so long. The fresh blood, the fresh hunt, it had awoken in him all of the violence and rage that he had worked so hard to control. The calm that he had attained for one single week had been banished, smashed and shattered. He does not want a repeat of the last time, however. He does not want to push everyone away. He doesn’t’ want to fall on his knees and beg for death from someone else’s hand because he has too much pride to do it himself. It’s a catch 22.
Jesse knows what he has to do to make it all better, but he is reluctant. Since the discovery of his peculiar curse, he has sired five. He has taken the lives of five humans and changed them, irrevocably. The last had been in November. November the fifth. Clover, who has disappeared. Who has not responded to Jesse’s summons. Whom he has not heard from. Clover, who hadn’t transitioned all too smoothly, and who Jesse has assumed has disappeared because of her loathing of the man who’d turned her.
How does he stop that from happening again? How does he turn someone and know that they won’t turn on him? He doesn’t want drama. He wants someone who will love this life as much as he does. He wants someone who will be responsible, and who will listen to him. Someone who won’t go and sire others without taking on the responsibility required to look after them. How does he find someone like that?
Jesse’s entire body shakes. He feels like time is running out, somehow. There’s a countdown within him and the longer he takes to figure it out, the worse he gets, psychologically. He has a responsibility to control himself, to make himself better—for the sake of those he cares about.
The tattooed man bounces on the balls of his feet in elevator of Veil Towers. The shuttle is carrying him downward; his fingers stretch, clench into fists, and stretch again, before he shakes them out. Not for the first time, he’s wondering whether holding himself up in one apartment for a whole week was a good idea. Jesse had never been a man able to sit still for too long. He got restless. All that restlessness has coagulated, an internal bleed that’s now blocking all his good intentions.
Jesse is out the door of the elevator before the it has even has the chance to fully open. His boots thud against the marbled lobby floor, echoing around him. A woman yelps as she nearly runs headfirst into Jesse as she’s coming in, and he’s going out. Jesse cringes, an internal twitch as he hears her heart rate scatter. There’s a lingering warmth that she leaves behind and he wants nothing more than to turn around, grab her jacket, pull her close and tear into her neck. Suck her dry, right where the cameras can see him. Right there in the public eye.
Instead, his feet hit the pavement and he runs. There’s no jog, no gathering speed, no hesitation. As soon as that crisp night air touches his face, he’s running. As if for his life. Running, with no destination in mind. Sprinting, like a man training for a marathon, but no doubt looking like some kind of criminal dressed in his black jeans and his leathers, with that beanie pulled down over his hair. But he does not look back. The soles of his shoes grind into the asphalt, the pounding rhythm of his weight combines with the melodic schck schck of dislodged dirt or snow or garbage. No steam escapes Jesse’s lungs, even though he feels the inferno rising inside.
But he runs. He runs, and he does not stop for no man.