Tell Me How You Feel (Keara)

[Autumn (DELETED 3485)]

August 11, 2012

"Ya nevah home."

I have to make something out of myself. I don't want to grow up and be like you. I don't want this life anymore. There's nothing glamorous about it.

It was what she had wanted to say to her mother as she once again berated her over her choice to never be home. Instead, she had answered simply with, "Of course not. I have to work. I have to go to school." She didn't doubt her mother knew the real truth behind her statements. Her mom never finished college. She dropped out after she got pregnant with TJ and decided it was better to move on in with her father. He had promised to take care of her and the baby, and she had believed him. Now, the man full of promises was sitting in jail. TJ was dead, been dead for almost two years now. Her youngest child, Chris, now desired to follow in the footsteps of his father and brother because it was honorable. As for Autumn? She couldn't stand how her mother allowed herself to live such a life. She didn't understand how her mother had settled. Her father was in jail now; there had been multiple chances for her to move her two kids away from the poisonous atmosphere. There had been a chance for a new life, but no. Familarity was the biggest reason why they had stayed put.

So when she complained about Autumn's constant absence, the only daughter could only stare coldly at her mother when she gave her the same answer time and time again. Because Autumn had figured out a long time ago, her mother wasn't going to give her a better life. If she wanted out of the slums, she had to get herself out of the slums.

It was hard work. It took dedication. It was beating her down.

Her head rested on top of her folded arms, which were propped up by her books. Her eyes fluttered opened, vision blurry instantly. It was almost too easy to close them again. Way too easy. Instead, she pulled her right arm out from underneath her head and balled her fist, rubbing her eyes gently at first. Blinking once again, her vision cleared up a tad bit more. Soon, she was patting around on the table for her glasses. Those would help her eyes focus in on the scenery. Not that she really needed to, she knew where she was. It was her second home: the library of HRU. It was the first place she went to after she woke up in the morning. It was the first place she went to after she got out of work. The first place she went to after she got out of her classes. The last place she went to before she'd have to head out into the night.

And like any other night, she had came in after work to study. Her apron drooped over her backpack, which was slightly open and slung carelessly on the floor. Her brown eyes glanced down at the makeshift pile, eyeing it to see if she had dropped her glasses down there in favor of taking a much needed cat nap. But it wasn't there. Autumn reached out to retrieve her cell phone from the chair next to hers, clicking the middle button of the iPhone to check the time.

9:35 pm.

Thank God the library stayed open until 1 am just for those like her. Autumn sat up and stretched her arms above her head, groaning. It had been a good catnap but it was time to get back to work; it was always time to get back to work. She knew she should pick up her phone to tell her mom she wasn't going to come home until late. But what was the point? Out of habit, maybe? Out of respect, probably? Yet her fingers didn't make any effort to unlock her phone in order for her to perform this action. Instead, she set the phone aside, putting it back on the chair next to her. The eighteen year old scooted her seat closer to the elongated table, staring at her textbooks.
Math. God, she hated math and it hated her. It wasn't a subject she naturally excelled in; it was a subject she spent many nights studying over and over again until she felt comfortable enough to say she got it. Autumn bent her head down and rubbed her face, groaning. She heard something drop in front of her and moved her hands away from her eyes to see her glasses. Of course, it had been on her head. As always it had been the last place she would have checked.

"Come on, Autumn..." she whispered softly, picking up her pencil before tapping it on the paper pad. If she wanted to make it out of the slums, she had to pass math.

[Keara Aithne]

This one had been something of a curiosity for her for a while. Sometimes it was difficult for Keara to identify exactly what it was that she admired in a person but then it didn't always matter, as she usually tried to give herself the tie to figure them out. Of course nothing was certain. There was no real formula for picking a childe. Ven had chosen her. Stalked her. This was what she knew. How she preferred to operate. Of course some were spontaneous turnings, but these were far more infrequent. She disliked making a snap judgement as to whether or not a frail creature should live or die. Her blood was a gift, or so she believed, and it wasn't one to be given lightly. One of her childer had even stalked her. Quite the feat. And thus she had won a place in Keara's home and heart.

As the months had passed, she had found Autumn to be quite the creature. She had overheard her speaking with friends as to her ambitions. She knew the reasons why she worked so hard. She knew where Autumn worked, where she lived and when her classes were. There wasn't much else left to learn at this point and so the last step was to make contact.

Keara wasn't sure what to do or say to the woman. She had no questions she wished to ask. The young woman reminded her a little of her Thomas, but the similarities between the two were slim at best. She'd found him in a library too. He was studying hard. Self-taught. She admired him greatly and had chosen him for his love of literature. Autumn she was choosing for her drive, for her determination. She saw the path her life was on and sought to change it. In this she was a little like Keara herself had when she was human, a woman aspiring to a role typically held by men. Of course things had been quite different in the late fifteen-hundreds.

She observed the woman from across the room, hidden in the stacks. She'd moved and sat herself at a nearby table and had wandered back to the stacks by the time the woman awoke. The poor thing was so focused on her goal that she seemed to be sacrificing some of the basics of human needs, which in this case was sleep. Finally she decided that tonight would be the night that she would change this girls future. There would be no more waiting.

"Working too hard perhaps you are," she slipped into a chair on the opposite side of Autumn's table. "Tired you seem."

It was a general observation and hopefully a way in to a conversation. The library itself was no place for a turning and she would have to either get the girl outside, or catch her on her way home. Not always being the most patient of creatures, she had chosen to attempt the former, with the latter being somewhat of a back-up plan. Her words were spoken in soft tones, so as not to disturb the relative silence of the place, and she focused her gaze on Autumn's face and eyes. One arm lay across the table and the other she used to support her head in a rather lazy fashion. Something she had seen other's in the place do, as this was not a posture that came naturally to Keara. The vampire didn't look out of place in the library, as her physical form showed her to be a woman in her early twenties and her outfit, which could best be described as cyber gothic, portrayed her as someone perhaps a few years younger than that. Her dark eyes flashed with curiosity but aside from that faint spark of intelligence that hid within her eyes, her facial features displayed no real markers of emotion.

[Autumn (DELETED 3485)]

Scribble. Scribble. Erase. Scribble. Erase. Erase.

She groaned and dropped her pencil down on the table, taking her glasses off and laying them down on the hard surface. She rubbed her face and sighed deeply. Math, the bane of her existence. The metaphorical thorn in her side. Autumn shook her head and rubbed her face once more. So deep in her sorrows, she didn't hear the woman even approach her. She had prided herself in always being aware of her surroundings. It was an important tactical skill instilled in her by her mother. Things happened all around a person and if the person chooses, they can be fully aware. Yet, she always let her guard down in the library, thinking there wasn't any possible danger lurking around among the shelves.

When the other spoke, her body jerked back into the cushion seat, causing it to scoot back. "****, you scared me," the young woman laughed uneasily. Autumn smoothed her hands along her head, shaking her head. She took a deep breath. Her heart was going a mile a minute. People usually didn't approach her in the library. Especially no one who looked like the girl sitting right in front of her. A part of her wanted to ask her what the hell was she wearing exactly. Never had she seen anyone in her neighborhood wear such an outfit. Her brown eyes stared blankly at the girl, studying her attire and questioning her sudden appearance at her table. She glanced around her immediate area for a moment.

"Perhaps, you're right," she finally answered, scooting herself back to the table, " But you don't get any where slacking off. Nope. You don't get anywhere..." She wrinkled her nose a bit and slid her glasses back on her face. Tilting her head down, she glanced over the math problem. Scribble. Scribble. Scribble. Erase. Erase. Erase. Once in a while, she peeked up and was surprised to see the girl still sitting there. Did Autumn have an inviting aura or something? Did something in her make her appear to be a social butterfly? She wouldn't be caught dead with a girl dressed that way. Her friends and associates in the neighborhood wouldn't let her live up for weeks if she was caught walking around the girl.

Not that she had done anything to Autumn; she was just different. Just about everyone in the neighborhood looked the same. Yes, they came in all shades, shapes, and sizes. But for the most part, they were all cut from the same stock a lot of them. Hell, the student didn't even socialize with anyone from her classes. She chose to stay focus on her studies. Friends with solid families or dysfunctional families with money weren't going to help her pass her classes. Focusing on developing relationships with boys weren't going to help her get her bachelor's degree.

Studying day and night was going to help her; working hard was going to help her. She was going to be able to say she did it all on her own; that's all that matter.

But tonight didn't look like it was going to be a typical night of studying, not with this..girl sitting in front of her. Finally, Autumn put her pencil did and folded her arms across her chest, staring at the strangeness.

"Can I help you with something? Do we share a class together? Do we have mutual professors?"

[Keara Aithne]

Keara watched and waited, taking any every detail of the woman as she tried for the most part to ignore her. She watched her pencil move across the paper. She didn't read what was being written, though she could have if she wanted to; Keara could read a text easily enough even if it was upside down. It was a trait she'd had to learn and much like many others it had been taught to her at the behest of Ven, her sire and husband. It was much easier to spy on someone and know what was going on if you didn't appear to have any interest in what they were doing. Maths problems though were not Keara's forte and it was not something she wanted to train herself in as she saw no practical application in it for her.

Her posture hadn't changed when the woman finally stopped what she was doing and looked back up at her, she was still lazily lounging on the table, her head propped on her hand. She hadn't commented on the slacking off part of the conversation. It was true and they both knew it. Keara trained herself daily in the skills she believed mattered and was always seeking to make herself stronger, more useful. She believed she had to help keep the frail creatures of the city ignorant of her kind and that keeping supernatural creatures off of their radar was one of the better ways of achieving this. Of course the powers that be knew a little of what was out there, else the quarantine zone wouldn't have been so diligently managed; the threat had been cut off and was monitored from what she could tell. The real reason for this, thankfully, was not known among the majority of the public.

"Oh no. Your classes I do not take. Thought I did that perhaps in need of distraction you might be. If too focused you are, miss you might a greater opportunity. That the bigger picture is. Rest also important is. Time you must have or your energies to recharge, else use you cannot that which you know to the best of your ability."

Keara wasn't attempting to argue with the woman, or lecture her, though it may have sounded a little like she were. She was attempting to share with her a little of what she had learned to be true but more importantly, she was trying to give the woman a reason to take a break from her studies and to perhaps follow her somewhere more quiet. Plan B was always there if she failed. This was plan A and not plan B mainly due to the fact that it allowed Keara to interact with the woman. She had a chance to interview her, so to speak. If she found something out that displeased her, or gave her pause for thought, she would have be able to perhaps change her mind about turning the girl. It was an unlikely scenario, but a possible one. Had she seen anything in the woman that was likely to deter her from taking her as a childe, she would likely have seen it already.

[Autumn (DELETED 3485)]

Why? Why of all nights would this happen to her? She's never had a problem with studying at the library. She didn't have friends. She could barely call them acquaintances. Autumn Lee Bolduc was on a mission. All she could do is stare at the woman shooting her mission right in the foot. Distraction wasn't needed nor wanted; the woman had it in her to tell the other to **** off. To go bother someone else who didn't have the weight of their future on their shoulders. To go interfere with someone who could afford a distraction or two. These were all things the young woman wanted to say to the girl right in front of her. It would be a quick solution to the slow growing problem, but she couldn't. She couldn't even open her mouth to say 'shoo' to her. Why? She was too tired to be rude. Too tired and too well aware of how rudeness made someone feel.

She had to deal with impatient and rude people all the time at work. And for her to model their distasteful behavior onto another human being would be wrong. And she wouldn't be able to sit at church on Sunday and feel blameless. So Autumn took her glasses off and folded them, setting them down on the table. Her eyes bore holes into the math book, which laid wide open in front of her. With slight hesitation, she tucked her paper with all her scribbles and erase marks into the book before she closed it. She closed it.

"Miss a greater opportunity, huh?" Autumn laughed, rubbing the side of her face. "This is my greater opportunity." She gestured to her math book.

What greater opportunity was going to get her out of the slums? Yes, it was going to take time; but, in the end, she would have an education. A higher education. A higher education that would hopefully take her on the path of getting a higher paying job. Then she could talk to the young girls growing up in the next generation in her community. She'll tell them it was possible to get out and make something of themselves. They don't have to be anyone's baby mama. They don't have to be anyone's look out or drug mule. They could be strong independent women. It meant hard work. It meant making every opportunity a great one.

But she couldn't lie, the young woman had her curious about the greater opportunity.

"You're right though. Again," she mumbled as she rubbed her face, "I can't get these math problems. I'm so tired. But there's no time for sleep tonight. At least not yet, I have a test tomorrow and I want to make sure I score high. Not decent. High." After all, she had 4.0 GPA to keep.

Clearing her throat, she reached her hand out across the table, "Autumn." If she wasn't going to allow the girl to distract her, she might as well know her name.

[Keara Aithne]

Keara took a hold of the woman's hand and shook it ever so briefly. She didn't quite go as far as to wipe her hand on herself once she retrieved it but she was clearly not happy obeying the social convention and had obviously kept the physical interaction brief as a result.

"But sleep you should. Tired you your best work cannot do."

Keara didn't have any experience with written tests but she had life experience and what she'd said was a constant that had been true through the ages; a tired brain did not work as well as a rested one. Much like a brain that was not regularly challenged could become tired in and of itself. Intellect was a tool best used and not wasted.

"And my name Keara is. Keara Aithne. A pleasure to meet you Autumn it is."

All things considered, the introduction had gone well. At least this was Keara's take on it all. Names had been exchanged and both parties were behaving as they ought. She had no idea what to say next and had to remind herself that she was supposed to be completely unaware of anything she already knew about the woman. In her first life this reminder would not have been necessary but this side of the realm, her unruly mind sometimes needed a little recap to keep things straight.

"Education important is but learning you only so far can take. Experience important too is. Experience and the willingness for new things to learn. Open to change you must be. Too many people the importance of change do not see."

Another thing that Keara had first-hand experience in being as old as she was. Change was the only real reason she had to sire after her return. She had to learn about the new world. Without understanding the people and the technologies, she could not hope to blend in as well as she did now. Yet even now, even when she felt she had little else to learn from taking a childe, she still sought them out; those that were worth of such a gift. She did not need them to educate her so that she could survive. Not anymore. Now she could be more selective and choose them for the skills she admired. Skills or traits that she wanted around her, to enrich her life. She did not need them to survive but she wanted them to help her grow, to make her better.

[Autumn (DELETED 3485)]

She wanted to say she'll sleep when she's dead. She wanted to say it but she couldn't. Death was a concept she was too closely associated with. Even the dead didn't experience rest. "Some times," she began, " You just don't have time to sleep."

She didn't have time to do a lot of things nowadays. What was life? Hah, god, what was life? Her life was school. Her life was dedicated to her great escape. Her need to do something important with her well being outweighed any responsibilities she had to other things and other people. Her mother argued with her constantly about her loyalties. Her mother again and again accused her of her selfishness. 'You only think of yourself!" she would yell. She didn't think of her family. How could she? Her older brother was dead and her father was in prison for most of her childhood. Now, she watched as her mother shed tears, knowing that her youngest child, her sweet sweet baby boy, was now affiliated with the very last people to see her eldest alive. The very last people her eldest gave up his life to protect because he had sworn to do so. The same gang who sucked her father in at such a young age. And he was the very man boasting behind iron bars about how he was proud his children were keeping up with his legacy.


Not Autumn though. Never Autumn though.

The young woman rested against the table, arms folded and her head propped up by their added height. She listened to the other's words and she didn't think so much on them. How could she? At eighteen, close to nineteen, she figured she knew everything she needed to know about life. At least what was considered life to her. Her words were true though; education could only take one so far. One's mind would never be stated. Knowledge was ever growing and ever changing in the world around her. She didn't need to experience life anymore than she had to understand change. Unbeknownst to the woman before her, Autumn felt she had experience enough life in her eighteen years. Change and Autumn were best friends, perhaps even old lovers she'd be bold enough to declare.

"Education is going to take me as far as I need to go. That's all that really matters to me at this point," she whispered, sighing softly. She didn't want to experience anymore life; she was okay with living through the fine print of her books. If it meant she was going to stay alive a little longer. If it meant she wasn't going to get pregnant by some gang banger, who has two other baby mamas running about the slums. If it meant she didn't have to watch another family member's life being taken by bullets in the streets. If it meant not having to be afraid bullets were going to rain down on her home and pierce the very walls of her chest. Hell yes, she was going to allow education to take her as far as it could.

Autumn closed her eyes. "Change is inevitable. Everyone sees it whether they want to admit it or not. Change is always happening. You can wake up a minute late and your whole schedule has change. You can be studying for a math test..." And someone could come and interrupt, changing one's attention from one to another.

Change was inevitable and it wasn't something she was equipped to fight against.

[Keara Aithne]

There was no real argument from Autumn about anything she'd said, at least non that Keara could discern as she listened to her words. Change was an important topic and much like time it was ongoing; it could not be stopped. Much like time it was most commonly viewed in extremes. Time moved too fast, or too slow. Change could be good or it could be bad. There were those that loved routine, for how change was an enemy. And those that embraced every opportunity that came their way for whom it was a blessing. Change, like time, was a double edged sword. Keara knew the importance of change. Of time. She didn't view either from one perspective for too long. The good and the bad had to be taken together. Life, as she understood it, was about balance.

"Question have I for you. From what said you have. Education you shall take so far as it necessary is. Wish I do for to know how far that is? How far for you necessary is? At what point you education no longer can help?"

Keara settled back in the chair and folded her arms across her chest. Beneath the table, she stretched out her legs in front of her and crossed them at the heel. She observed Autumn as she waited for her reply, her deep brown eyes fixed upon the woman's face. She was perhaps challenging the woman in her thinking. She knew some of what Autumns goals were and she was curious to see just how far her ambition extended. Realising that she was perhaps displaying too much interest, she took a band from around her wrist and began gathering her dreads together behind her head. She used both hands to groom her hair from off her face, every movement was slow and deliberate as she gently jostled the strands into position and once she was satisfied that every lock was where it should be, she tied it in place with the band.

It was the little details she'd found, things like playing with her hair, the way in which she sat, etc. that helped her to blend in. If she was too still, as she was prone to be at times, people would look at her for signs to see if she were still alive. People had a propensity to fidget. At times, Keara displayed the same trait as the rest of humankind but at other times she had to remind herself of who and what she was and the importance of blending in. Had they been standing she probably would have been moving her hands over the nearest inanimate object but sitting as they were, her need to feel connected to the world was almost sated.

[Autumn (DELETED 3485)]

"Education can always help."

She didn't think about the answer. Why did she need to? Education was always necessary. Education can always help. Education provided job opportunities; continued education secured said job opportunities. Education was going to get her out of the slums. It was going to get her out of the life she was destined to have. To break the norm. To break the cycle. To her, there was no such thing as too much education. A person can't say they are ever done learning because it's not possible. She was firm believer that life was just one giant long lecture. All the trials and obstacles one goes through were just test to see if one will pass with flying colors, make it, or just fail. She was determined not to do the last two but to pass with flying colors. To soar into the life she was meant to have.

Autumn arched her back, stretching her arms above her head before slumping into the chair. Reaching out, her fingers pulled the edge of her phone until the device slid towards her. Her index finger pressed the home button of the iPhone and presented to her the time.

10:15 pm.

There was no point staying in the library to study if she wasn't going to actually be studying. She was tired. No, exhausted was more like it. Her bones ached. Everything ached. She was sure even the strands of her hair radiated the numbing pain she was experiencing. Overworked.

"It's late. I think I'm going to be the long track home," she chuckled softly, stretching once more. She pressed her hands on the edge of the table and pushed herself back, scooting the chair backward in the process. Slowly, she stood up. And just slowly as she had done that, she began to pack up her books and notebooks. Yes, she was eighteen but some times, she felt as old as forty years old.

Autumn slung her back pack over her shoulders and swiped up her phone, tucking it into her back pocket. She pushed the chair in.

"It was nice meeting you, Keara," she began, "I'm sure I'll be seeing you around some times. Goodnight."

[Keara Aithne]

Keara listened. She was hoping for a more well-rounded explanation but then the girl before her saw life as having an expiration date, she didn't know that while it was possible to continually learn and grow that education would only get you so far. At some point, you had to find a new hobby or a new pastime. You had to keep up with trends and information. There was more to life than taking classes, just as there was more to life than simply living. Goals were all well and good but you couldn't live to learn everything else you'd drive yourself mad.

Her eyes followed the female as she began to pack her things away and readied herself to leave. Every movement took the time it took. She was tired and yet she did not rush. She was young and yet she appeared to be older than her years. This was something that Keara could relate to, what with being far older than her appearance would suggest and yet it was always curious to see such mannerisms in a human. Their life spans were so short that to see one old beyond their years was almost sad.

"A pleasure it was for you to meet. Sure I am that we one another soon shall see. Be safe Autumn."

Keara remains seated. She could not leave the library with the female, as she did not wish to draw attention to herself. She knew where Autumn lived and so would allow her a few moments head start before she got up and followed suit. Being faster than the average human, she would have no issue catching the woman up at just the right point so at to take her by surprise.