Flecks of dust clung to the Italian leather book cover turning the warm, even brown of the material a pale sickly grey brown. The 8x10 booklet was bowed with both age and handling leaving the aged pages mildly distorted. A slightly unevenness in the distortion left the book slightly opened. A loose sheet of notebook paper jutted from with in it. Tucked away between the first and second page. A reminder of what could have been and what was being worked at. Said paper was held in place by a single skull and crossbone sticker. The handwritting of a child, possibly no older than ten years, decorated the fading blue lines.
I’ve always wondered, when the time came, what would I include in a note like this. Would I make my last words lengthy or would I make them short? Would I take the time to make mention of the important people of my life both good and bad? Or will I simply tell you how I decided to kill myself? To be honest, as I’m looking at my equipment, all laid out neatly before me, I still haven’t decided. I suppose I could start with apologizing but to who.
Surely not you, mother. Conniving *****. I’m not sorry you’ll have to deal with finding my body and arranging a funeral. Perhaps that’ll get you away from under that charlatan of a boyfriend long enough for you to pay attention to me. Yes attention. I know how far fetched that may be for you but you do still have a son. You know, the one you used to spend every day with, every night. We were a lovely pair before he came along. And I despise that I am expected to share you with him, smell his cologne on you when you come to hug me. Its called taking a bath after you two have swapped saliva, you nasty whore. I hate you mommy dearest.
But not as much as Doctor Sheldon. So smile and rejoice. I’ll be in hell hating someone more than you. Or maybe I’ll roam the lands as a ghost haunt you both. That would be something interesting. Oh how I hope for the latter. That way whenever the good doctor goes to prescribe more of these disgusting pills, he’ll remember me. Remember his failure. I stopped taking those pills by the way. They’re in a container right now waiting for me to guzzle them down with what bleach remained in the house. HAH! And you wouldn’t guess where I learned to hide the pill so well. That’s right, your LOVELY boyfriend taught me. I think he knew all along what I planned on doing. Maybe deep down he wanted me to do it but don’t think for a moment that I’m doing this because of him. He’s just as shitty of a person as you are. Always away, always half assing your commitment to me. Yes me. I’m the baby. Me. I want the ******* attention.
I just….love you guys so much. I can’t begin to tell you how much. Do you understand that? I don’t want to share any of you with any of you. I want to fill your heart, your mind until there’s no more room for anyone else. Is that so much to ask for? I thought not. Why don’t you love me? Are you all planning to something I don’t know about? Another child, another patient for the good doctor maybe? Oh no.....we can't have that. I won't let you.
29/08/2005
Hello Blaar,They said I should name you so that is what I going to call you. I really wanted to call you ‘blah’ because that’s what you make me feel. I never wanted a diary. Its like the dumbest idea I have ever heard of but I suppose its to be expected. Mother found my note to her. And even though its over a year old, she took me to therapy and the good doctor again. I guess it shows that she cares but really, a year? It took over a year for her to find it. If I still wanted to kill myself, I would have done it by now, don’t you think? Bah, why am I asking you? You’re just an inanimate object. You won’t answer, you won’t judge, you’re just there. The most I’ll get out of you is trouble. They’re talking about sending me to an institute. I think its just them wanting to get rid of me. Can’t have me ruining the wedding with dying and whatnot. Wasn’t there a saying that a wedding is like a funeral? Maybe I could put some rat poisoning in the punch. Or eye drops. I’m not allowed to kill myself but I could very well kill everyone else. I don’t need them. I don’t.
Why does your silence feel condescending now. You don’t think I can make it without them? I could. I know how to cook and I know my mother’s PIN. So that’s food and money taken care of. So you can just take your silence and shove it Blaar. You don’t know me or what I’m going through. I bet you’ve never had to share your mother with others. I mean you most likely came from a cow and a tree of all things. Do you think that the mother of the cow you came from and tree cut down to make the pages I’m currently marring will mourn you? They’re probably a hamburger/table combo right now. Sucks for you really. It really does….
I mean my mom will always be there for me. No worries about me getting taken away to take role as someone’s meal. No becoming furniture. If I die…she’d cry you know. She cried when she read my letter to her. I didn’t even write it to be honest. I vented to a friend and he took the time to bring everything together. I just rewrote what he wrote so that it’d be in my handwriting. He’s smart you know. Always teaching me bigger words than what the teachers would. I really have him to thank though. When my mom read the letter, she broke up with her boyfriend at the time for like a week. A whole week, I had her to myself but a week seemed to breeze and drag by. I missed him and she missed him and I hated them both. Why aren’t I enough for them? Its ridiculous and I hate it. They don’t understand though. They’ll never understand. But you do, don’t you Blaar? That’s why you’re my only friend. You’ll always be my only friend. Even when your pages run out.[/font][/size]
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30/08/2005
Hello Blaar,
I met the most beautiful girl today. She came with my mother’s fiancé’s relative for my birthday party. She’s around my age with beautiful red hair. Its not natural, I know that much. Natural redhead’s hair are more of an orangey color I’ve found. Natural or not though, it was very pretty on her and bought out those big blue eyes of her. I wonder if it would be terrible if I asked her out? My mother is going to be marrying her uncle, I think. Wouldn’t that make us cousins? That’d be so unfair. Even so, I don’t think she cares. She gave me a kiss on the cheek before she left and said she was looking forward to seeing me again. Just remembering that made me smile. We’ll have to see what happens I guess.
On another note, the good doctor started my medication a few days ago. The pills are still disgusting but I guess it makes me better. I’ve noticed that my mom doesn’t seem as upset when I’m around. I’ve even caught her holding hands with Dominic during the party. To be honest I was happy to see that. I want her happy. I really do.
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21/10/2006
Hello Blaar,
Its been a while since I wrote in you hasn't it? I guess I've been busy with everything that's going on. Mom is planning on moving to Canada with Dominic after the wedding. I'm actually really excited about it. He's asked me if I'd take his last name once mom marries him. I'm considering it. What do you think of Filip Tau Maritz sound? I think it would make my mom and Dominic happy if I agreed. I just want to make sure its something I want to do. they say the boys are the ones that carry on their family's name. If I'm my dad's only son then what about his family name? I don't remember much about him but I know I don't want to just let the Brouwer surname die out. If I remember to write in you, I'll let you know what I choose to do.
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11/02/2007
Hey Blaar,
So we don't have cable right now but that'll be taken care of later. Mom is out with Dominic, his brother and his brother's wife. Just an adult night out I think. They left their daughter here. The one I told you about with the red hair. She's playing my video games right now while we wait for our parents to come back. Blaar, she's more beautiful than I remember. I really mean this. She let the red grow out of her hair so its a dark mohagony. I think I like that just as much as the red. It makes her eyes look like clear pools. Gorgeous. Her name is Carmella. Named after her grandmother on her mother's side. She doesn't care to much for the name so she's asked me to call her Carmen instead. Naturally I do what she asked. How could I not when it makes her smile to hear me do it? I'd do anything to keep her smiling. I hope she knows that.
Well I have to end this. She wants me to play with her the next round.
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Looks like you and I will be spending a lot more time together. I'm grounded. That means no television, no video games, no phone calls, no going outside. Just you, me and whatever books I can find. Of course you're probably wondering what happened. Well, I don't know how to say this but after we played that one round, Carmen and I sort of started playing around. I don't know how we went from playing but the next thing I knew we were kissing and her hands were pushing down my pants. I could lie and say I didn't know what she was doing but I won't. I knew exactly what she was doing and I didn't stop her. I didn't want to. Her hands felt...so good. And the rest of her... I just get goosebumps thinking about it. The only shame was that our parents came home before we could finished. I've never heard Dominic yell so loudly. My mom yelled too and so did Carmen's parents. They yelled at me mostly even when Carmen told them she was the one that started it. I guess its a normal things for boys to start stuff like that? I've never really thought about it. Oh well right? Its not like I'll have a chance to try again. Carmen's mom and dad don't want me anywhere near her and mom's not exactly excited about me keeping female company. You'd think they'd be happy that I'm even interested in girls. Apparently not.
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12/02/2007
Hey Blaar,
Dominic called me a ******** this morning. It was in Afrikaan but I knew what he was saying and so did mom. She didn't say anything to him. Not a thing. Does this mean they don't love me anymore? I didn't think that what I did was that terrible. I apologized twice for it already but no one will listen. I'm staying in my room from now on. I don't want to see their disgusted looks anymore. Mom didn't even bother to make sure I had my medication. I know I did something wrong but I'm still their son I'm still their baby, right? I wish you could talk Blaar. You'd know what to tell me.
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13/02/2007
Hey Blaar,
If you're wondering, I'm running away. That's about all the information I can give you because I won't be taking you with me. Carmen is coming with me though. We're going to run away together and she told me to only take what we think we'll really need. Clothes and whatever money we can get. I've got sixty dollars of allowance left over from last month so I think we'll make do. We just need to hold out until we both turn sixteen and then we can get a job. Two years isn't that long to wait if we're careful. So I guess this is good-bye.