"Blood Spatter" - Psyche's Journal

[Psyche]

02-04-2014

I had hoped to get back to this **** earlier on, but as is the case with me quite often as of late.....that just didn't happen. Ah well. I can't seem to help out. Lately I just feel so friggin' drained. I'm beginning to wonder if something's wrong with me... scratch that. really, I believe I already know the answer to that.

So, back onto whatever the hell I was writing about yesterday; after a bit more thought on the subject of this last month and a half, I'm quite certain now that I was stuck again. I seem to have an affinity for that place if I don't occupy my mind for long enough. Vathia and I seem to be like polar opposites and it's a flame that this moth can't seem to resist; even if it's entire structure is completely out of my control. Maybe that's part of it's appeal... the chaos? Art in itself is uncontrollable. It's malleable. You can mold and structure it; but at the end of the day it's end-state will be what the recesses of your mind have constructed it to become whether it was your intent or not. It's jazz on an easel. Beautiful chaos.

I suppose, perhaps, my standing in any of my social circles hasn't helped the matter at all. While I have many I can seemingly speak to, enjoy their company, share a laugh and my usual idiot antics... there seem to be few I am truly close with. There are those select few that I feel I can confide in and whom I ensure know that they can confide in me. But few whom I feel will ever make the approach to seek me out. I seem to often be on the search for company, and it seldom searching for me. I'm sure it's my own doing with my continued sporadic absence of the mind. Why search out the guy who's, most likely, just going to be staring at the wall again? It's saddening to me and a double-edged sword that I am just going to have to contend with. The loneliness that compels my mind to return to Vathia, versus the absent mind that suggests to others I'm not a suitable friend in my own chaotic state. C'est la vie.

As I think on this previous month of...well...damn near catatonicness, I'm more and more compelled to believe that I wasn't actually IN Vathia as I'm assuming I was. No, this time was different. It wasn't as....random. It seemed rather like I was trapped in my own dreaming, actually. You know like how ESPN does the Sports Highlights and recaps on stats and play-by-plays of the entirety of sports? It was sort of like that....but concerning my own existence. Going over scenarios of my own relationships....and even providing me a clarity on many of them, as I get to take a look from the outside.

Ari. I've become perhaps closer to Ari than I have anyone else in this city over the last few months. At some point perhaps I even believed it was of a more romantic interest. And in some form or fashion, maybe I'm right, but not in the formal sense of the term, I suppose. It's intimate, surely... atleast it is for me. But I do not feel....urged... to her. I don't get that sense of jealousy or possession. It's not quite the feel of a sibling or anything, but more of a plutonic bond. Perhaps it's a magnetism of wanting to share time and space with someone as socially estranged as myself.

Zodiac. I've not spoken near enough with my beloved gypsy as of late. Since her seperation from Ty, perhaps I have felt as though she wouldn't want anything to do with me. I know now, that's not the case and we're still just as close as we've ever been. This is good. I've missed her company... I really have. It's a strange thought, really. There was a point where perhaps.... if there was anyone I thought I'd have wanted to share my affections with in a more formal fashion... it would have been her. I just don't think I felt any mutual affection shared in return, perhaps. I suppose it doesn't matter, I'm beginning to think perhaps it's just best I remain distanced from anyone getting too close to me.

Jesse. You know.... I don't ever really interact with Jesse, and yet there has always been a sense of...similarity. Yes, we've both shared in disability; though he seems to be overcoming his own, I think it's been a bit beyond that. I can't really fathom why. Perhaps it's the love of the art and in our own form or fashion have connected with our own works of art in a muc h more intimate way than most other artists have ever become. I can't imagine not being able to speak. To be spoken to and not be able to respond without knowing you're about to make it known that you aren't the same. I'm sure that has a terrible affect on someone, making them want to close out other people and avoid the situation entirely. No, I don't know that. But I do know what it's like to not ever know for sure if someone cares to speak with you. Are they actively looking to share your company? Or is it just because you've actively sought them out? It's always been a quiet world, the one I lived in. Never a voice to console me or a song to comfort me. Not since I was very young....not since everything was taken from me and left me cold, alone, and without a word to guide me further. That had it's own affect on me. One begins to find comfort in their own voice. Not an audible one; that internal voice we all have. Anyways... I'm not sure what's been up with Jesse as of late. I've seen a few tell-tale explanations but not sure I truly want to delve into it, if he doesn't wish to speak on it. It's really too bad he's become so stand-offish though. I feel like perhaps if anyone could relate, he could.

I suppose none of it really matters. It's always been this way... it's not going to change. Aphyon's coming into her own quite independantly. Well... that and through Sangue. I'm not sure how great of a sire I've been. Since the night that poor little librarian's been turned I've been little more than a random face she's seen. Sure we share a bond of my blood and I always ensure to check on her. I always hope one night she's going to come to me with a variety of questions, looking for help or assistance.. or some form of guidance. But she's just as independent as I was. I wonder now if perhaps Scorpia didn't feel that way with me. I felt the need to prove that I could do it on my own. Be my own person and not depend upon the hand-outs of my elders. I wanted to make them all proud. Am I missing that from Aphyon? Is she seeking to do the same thing, looking for a sire's pride? You'd think as a telepath I could pick up on this sort of thing... but then perhaps that's not a spoken voice. I don't exactly have the ability to read emotions very well, as I do with thoughts. We need to talk.

The world's as chaotic as ever. It's beautiful and surprising each and every day.....it can just be so damn frustrating as well.

[Psyche]

02-12-2014

****. Just when things were starting to finally start working out. Everything's been going ******* fine. Well, as fine as can be anyways. Things have been rather quiet in the hunting department as of lately as far as Masquerade offenders are concerned. I've been trying to fill some of that void with cleaning up some of my own "streets" of this ever vigiliant paladin and hunter riff-raff that plaque the entirety of the ******* sewers. I mean seriously...get atleast a set of drawers for ****'s sake. If I wanted to turn every corner and see some wang or tits flopping by like it was Friday night at the fraternity house, I'd move to ******* Florida. Until then, I'll keep icing these bitches like I was Henry VIII. Off with their heads!

In hind-sight, maybe it's all just well wishes and ****. I suppose I haven't been doing any better than I've been in the past. Hell, I just woke up out of yet again another friggin' 'conscious' coma. And now I've been dream walking again. I haven't been feeding my urge as of late, and I feel I'm beginning to pay the price. I found myself in someone's bedroom last night, waiting in the closet like some 80s B-movie, peeking through the slats in the door. It's not the first time, I've hunted in the minds of some poor freightened sap out there in the town above, just waiting to devour their Id like a depressed chick with a pint of Haagen-daas. No, no a first at all in this short time as a vampire. Yet this time, I creeped out of the closet to hover over an 8 year old boy this time....it was...amazing. For nearly every year of that boy's life I suscepted him to an hour of torment and images that will perhaps leave him shaken for the rest of his natural life and the terror he exuded was bliss. I'm yet decided on what perhaps my own Id is trying to say in all of this, but my super-ego was giddy like a schoolgirl at a Justin Beiber concert. Fan-*******-tastic, I tell you.

So, Ari set out the temptation I couldn't pass on the other night, proclaiming her absolute distaste in Valentine's Day gifts and going so far as to promising MURDER if she received anymore. Well, how can 'I' pass up on murder of curse? That's like taking a kid in a candy store! So... I of course, got the most tacky cliche things I could find for her, to include a kitten. HA! I have to admit, the original intent was to test her recent comments on making a sacrifice out of the damned thing, but she's instead dubbed it 'Mr. Tux' and opted to keep it, I'm guessing. On second thought, that's perhaps equally as nice. It does have a certain 'cuteness' to it. Of course it ate the ******* flowers though. That's probably what saved it's life now that I think of it.

As far as Sangue goes. Much has been quiet. I hear from Zo now and again, but she's often busy with business as usual. The childe's out and about as usual in all her independent ways. She was quick to secure her own residence and take to killing **** like she was out to win Daughter of the Year. She makes me proud. I need to visit her more....

[Psyche]

05-16-2014

Okay. So I am officially the worst journal writer in the history of journals. Not much to really say at this point, I guess. For the last 3 months, I've pretty much found myself needing to spend alot of time alone. I've been keeping myself secluded in my hidey hole aside from stepping out to try and slim down the nuissance of all these pain-in-the-*** hunters and paladins. More often then not, it generally provides a couple hundred bucks here or another head to throw into the ice box. However, they've been doing some practicing of their own. Every now and again, I'll end up hobbling back in through my doors with a gunshot here or a stab wound there. Just last night, I finished up the evening with three seperate bullet holes. Thank God I keep that plastic sheeting in the crafts room; cuz, I have no idea where to even take apolstery for a good cleaning.

All in all, the solitude's been rather welcome. It's given me some ample time to work on some much needed training I seem to keep evoiding in the past. Every night I've tried stepping out and working on my ability to track down these asshole paladins. Bunch of wanna-be scum. I'm fairly certain I've been doing this crazy half-naked tattooed man with a gun just a bit longer than most of these bastards. I'd probably be running around bat-**** crazy in the sewers too if I had to look at the chicks that run with theose tool bags. Those chicks are some serious dogs. The human form should be a privelage to look at, not a punishment. The ink work itself is amateur at best, really; but I wouldn't mind finding out the secrets behind the power those runes give. Either way. I think I may need to up my game. Tracking down ****-stained sewer-dwelling war mongrels down here isn't exactly a challenge. I can smell em before I even leave out the door. In any case, I think I've made adequate progress. I'd really like to start dabbling with this altar over here though. Everyone else always makes the black magic arts seem an interesting event.

I'm not really sure I'd even need all of these things to really give me reason to stay down here all the time, though. Everyone else seems to make that a relatively easy decision for me. This last time seemed more driven. Getting tossed between the Tytonidae and the Sangue. I really hate being tossed back and forth like some sort of purposeless meat puppet. Seems more an attempt to take a more personal jab at the other. I rather refuse to get involved in that mess. It's got too much bad blood between Vel and Scorpia. I love the both of em, but that's just venomous and I want no horse in that race. It really just teeters too closely to being political sometimes, having to watch what one says. I've heard Aphyon's expressed intrigue in the idea of it, and part of me is hopeful in that endeavor. I'd just need to sit with her and ensure she knows the full rammifications of such a decision.

Ari's come down to visit last night. I'd stopped by the Eyrie to drop off some supplies I'd been hording for her and a gift I'd picked up from the bookstore. It's a comfort to have her back in ear-shot to be able to talk to again. I'd almost forgotten how much I missed her when she wasn't around. I really need to do better about keeping my head above ground and stop ditching out on her. I usually get the feeling she's not much more of a social butterfly than I am. Sometimes I wonder where this curious waltz she and I do will eventually lead. But truth be told, it's too fun sometimes to want to rush to the end and find out. In the end, it doesn't really matter....just as long as we keep dancing.

[Psyche]

05-19-2014

Pages. Pages. Pages. I find myself reading over you and feeling as if I don't know whose been writing on you. Am I the hand that's been painting your naked flesh, or are you hand-me-down and used and I am simply adding on to another's memories? I fear the darkness has swallowed pieces of me and I don't know who they were. There's a void growing and I'm running out of ideas of what to fill it with.

Last night I dreamed. No. Someone else did, but I was there. I haven't walked a dream since before I was sent to the darkness. It was beautiful. A child of seven years spun a world of racing tracks and the strongest fastest horses I have ever seen. Oh, how they ran. And ran. And ran. The little men attached to their backs, whipping them with their sticks. I looked to the side and his younger kin...his sister... she played with a pony on a stick the same, switching it with an imagenary rod. Such a cruel way to treat these magnificent beasts. I'm sure, the boy wouldn't want his horses beaten and unable to race. So. I helped him put them all in front of the horses...Ahhhh..the music of their screams. The artistry of red paints soaking the race track. I know he was happy, the way he screamed with joy over what I'd helped him do.

I find myself with the tremors. My hands, they shake when I'm alone. I need to paint. I need a project to work on. Maybe that's my issue... I need to be creative. I'll have to hide myself away for a time...to my creative place and paint a canvas. It's been too long.

[Psyche]

5-20-2014

What's in a name? Letters? Is there a meaning? Blood. Sangue means blood, no? I like blood. It's time to be my own blood. I'm not sure what blood Sangue is anymore...lots of blood. Unpure. Tainted. The blood needs to be fresh...to be pure and perfect to give life. Tonight, I sought out someone who could purify my blood...to clean it and give life to what shall bring the pure beauty of unbridled pain. Mmm.. I...I think I left my bike running.....Yes, I definitely did. It should still be parked on top of that lady I parked it on...

I'm trying to do as the others do...being all....supportive? That's what seems to get people rewarded and be the most logical route to better my situation. So, I'll start making sure people have things they need. I don't really want to give them all of my goodies..but it should benefit in the end. Right?

Had another Fight Night last night. I really don't understand the need for people to beat the **** out of one another in such a brute fashion, but I went about it anyways. It's a good learning experience but I don't really get it. I'd rather play in their heads. Pick a memory. Plant a dream. I wish I could just stay there in their minds. I have control there. There....there I'm the King of the Cage. There...I am the cage.

I need to get my bike....and maybe some flowers....do flowers smell the same through another person's nose?

[Psyche]

5-22-2014

I feel as if the lights have been turned on upstairs to greater ventures. Events have unfolded that have left me debating the very use of my existence. What is my purpose? How am I advancing my own goals or bettering my situation? Once, I was at perfect ease to do nothing more than bring life to my art; to create beauty and let the world see it in all it's splendor. As time passes, however, and I continue to walk the dreams of these citizens of Harper Rock, I find my purpose to be a fleeting one.

Last night, I went out on the hunt. The cravings had gotten to strong and I needed to satiate the cravings before things became worse. Oh, I found a most magnificent canvas. This beautiful girl....my beautiful girl with such fair white skin. Not a freckle blemished her magnificent bodice. After I'd taken her down to the studio and had her securely set into the easel, she wouldn't refrain from wriggling her seductive display. Such a temptress. She stated once, twice...I truly can't recall how many times...for me to let her go. It was apparent she didn't understand what gift I was going to give her. How I was going to make her better, to make her more beautiful. She'd understand when my work was done.

But no....

As I prep'd the machine and inks,...somehow, my beauty, she managed to get a hand free from the easel. I'm not sure how this happened and I find it vexing. I'll need to have a thorough look-over of it. I can't have this happen ever again. I went to go and refasten her arm, so she wouldn't ruing the artwork, of course. Oh my devious beauty, she reached forward and bit me. She bit my arm. The *****. If she wasn't going to be voluntarily cooperative, then I needed to calm her. I wrapped my hands around her throat, watching as her eyes bulged and her mouth opened to try and speak. I was tired of her words. I needed to get working....she'd love what I had planned. I pressed harder to make sure we could get started already, and finally she went to sleep. Her head dropped, arms went still....I could finally get to work.

I'm not going to even dare share with you what beauty I bestowed upon my beautiy's body. Your pages are not worthy of hearing of such masterpieces. However, when I went to go and release the strap and to wake her up to share with her the gifts I had given her...she wasn't breathing. Her heart was not beating. I hadn't ever considered the possibility that, with my lack of hearing, I could miss such an importance. Had she been dead the whole time? But then she moved....thank you for that. Though she wasn't very vocal about her appreciations. She wasn't very cognitive at all actually.

Great. The ***** had gone zombie. I'm not sure why...or how, she turned. What I do know is that my beautiful art was going to ROT! What the ****! The ***** died and ruined my gift. What a selfish ****.

This all got me thinking, though. Why did she turn? I had checked my arm, she hadn't broken any skin...so she tasted no blood of mine. Was it actually a blood issue? And ferals...were they zombies or vampires? How was that happening? Hell, what is it about blood that keeps us so strong...and that gives the blood thieves the ability to be as much of a mockery as they are? I'm intrigued now. Blood.

I have a place where I can run these studies, of course. It will serve perfectly for some expirements. My Flats have been generously provided by a natural mob of zombies that have wandered over from the graveyards. I'll take my beauty here and introduce her to the other shamblers. I want to see how this works. There are tests to be ran and observed. I'll call it... Project 'Red Cell'. In time when I develop the framework, I should seek out the expertise of some who have worked in such fields.

[Psyche]

6-23-2014

It's been near a month since I left my crypt, now. The vast expanse of space and privacy serves effectively for my studies and practical application if necessary. Red Cell is pushing forward with more success than I'd previously imagined, no longer solely providing me with information on my research but generating funds and self-sufficiency, as well. The team has made significant breakthroughs with the zombies and ferals of the Quarantined Zone, but little else past that. It is interesting to find, however, that much of the zombie outbreak seems to be limited to the general area of the QZ. Why is this? I'm afraid I don't have enough resource knowledge to formulate any adequate hypotheses at this time. Perhaps the Book Nook will be of assistance in my endeavors. I'm quite sure that one as learned as Jonah has a vast array of knowledge I can learn from.

In other news, I have since created a sister project to Red Cell, delving into disease research within the QZ. CHIMAERA will allow me to perhaps delineate either to or away from any hypotheses that our nature as vampires is indeed some form of disease. I'll make sure that we stay productive on the surface visibility, as well. Create an image of progressive medical research and move so many curious eyes away from what's happening in the QZ. There's been far too much speculation and the conversations are quite numerous when it comes to the idea of either occupying or demolishing the space. I can't allow this to happen. It would be detrimental to my research.

[Psyche]

10-18-2015

Alright. So, yeah. Scenario has changed. I've been holed away in my damned crypt for over a good year now. I've not even bothered going to check on any forward movement in research with Red Cell. I've maintained correspondence with all businesses and even managed the vast majority via online method. Thank you Internet! To be completely honest, I've abandoned original interest in the project of Red Cell. Priorities have changed. Though, research will perhaps be even more advanced than it was before. I really couldn't give two shits about creating a synthetic plasma for vampire kind to thrive off of. However, I do need to find a way to create an alternative method of feeding for myself if times were to become hard. I'll need to maybe drag one of the feral riff raff down to the labs and study actual vampire blood samples. It would certainly help with my elevated thirst and keep me from becoming ravenous.

I'm thinking Chimaera's entire purpose will be needing to shuffle. Disease research just isn't my forte and frankly I couldn't give a **** about the views of mortals anyways. I'm bored. I'm thinking something different will be useful. More to come on that...

While I've kept myself bed-ridden I've since started another business venture. Schadendreude Filmtage. Frankly, I wanted to just see if I could manage one of those almost entirely online run businesses. I've used one of my hideaways as a set for a particular circle of clientele and really it requires minimal staffing. It's done well and has recently reached an optimal point of profit.

I'm feeling revitalized as of late. A renewed vigor is stirring up in me and I can't be bothered to just sit around and do nothing, wasting my immortality. I really owe Ari a date night or something, too.

[Psyche]

10-25-2015

Somehow....someone's been running their fat f*cking mouths. I don't have any evidence of this of course, but I'm almost certain of it. The Masquerade is damn near broken, but I have yet to date experienced cops just firing at will at anyone they may simply expect to be anything 'strange'. I know I'm not exactly just a face in the crowd, the tattooed freak with the pain fetish photography...but to be actually f*cking shot by a number of police? It's hard to believe. I'm certain it has nothing to do with my little side projects, as I've yet to work on one of those in months...maybe longer. Nor have I violated any secrecy laws...that leaves little reasoning for the hostility. I'll need to investigate further, and lay low in the mean time, especially with the 'removal' of those responsible for the bullet holes in my person.

On a positive note, I can hear again! The experience is more than I could have imagined. This changes everything. The only drawback is I managed to heal over some of my decorated areas...more precisely my ears. Now I'll need to go to Masterpiece to look at re-applying the lost ink. While I'm sure Vel will have no issue penciling me in for an appointment, I'm more concerned with Micah. We've had a colorful past, and I'm not certain it's all business with that man. Business seems to mold over into the personal. It may land me a knife through my ear canal, but the work needs to be done. I can't run around unfinished like this. It's embarrassing.

I managed to upset Ari tonight. I came back in from my incident with the law and somehow managed to offend her by snubbing her attempts to help. Not my intentions, of course. I must be more conscious of my dealings with her, as she is not the status quo amongst others of our kind. She's unique and I'd hate to ruin that. I do believe the situation is salvageable. I certainly hope so...as she's the only one I confide in.

Current injuries and APBs are going to serve as a nuisance. I'd intended to go hunting tonight, but believe it'd be best served to delay for a time. The hunger is calling me and my hands grow idle with anticipation. Hopefully this blows over soon.

[Psyche]

08-12-2020

It did not blow over soon. Did not blow over soon at all! I have no idea why I’ve picked you up again. It’s been five years since I’ve put down words to your pages. Five years since I’ve stepped foot outside the Dead Zone. I have no care for what happens above on the streets. And yet....that is slowly becoming a lie. Things have changed and I am intrigued. I can read it in their thoughts, see it in their dreams. I’ve not fed in so long, and while pain has been excruciatingly blissful, it’s time to break the fast. Besides, I must see what advances my projects have made and the batteries to my implants need changed. What pleasures await me? What nightmares wait above for me in Harper Rock?