My Sentiments

[Petra (DELETED 4518)]

It is a mystery. What is it? It is simple. I am wondering how I ever managed to get a woman like Quince. She completes me in every way, yet I feel more like a tumor than her other half. Where she is strong, I am weak. Where she moves forward, I move backward. Of course she would be able to speak to me telepathically. She was always so smart. She is still so smart. And what can I do, in comparison? I am a blood bank. I give blood to myself and to others, like a fountain. No one throws pennies at me though. That is one of many main differences.

I feel myself slipping away again, just like before our evening at the tattoo exposition. I thought things would change when I entered their world, but everything remains the same. I have an overwhelming feeling of isolation and a nagging reminder of my weakness. Yes, I took my own little vow of neutrality, unless the situation called for violence, but I wanted to feel my own strength. I wanted to know that I had the ability to defend myself, if the need arose. As I am, I cannot lift a finger in my own defense, let alone to defend Quince. I am just as powerless as before Eilidh changed my world, if it could even be called a change to my world.

I have joined a little group called Daughters of Destiny. It is made up of Worthington women, I believe. In all honesty, the family names escape me. I am copying from others and hoping I chose the right words. There were questions about a crow and oaths. There were votes cast on leadership positions. Without Quince by my side, I feel invisible. She speaks for the both of us and I just look pretty. My role is my role and I know that I seem intimidating in my silence. In all honesty, I feel harmless. I could lash out. I could hurt someone, most likely a human (since I lack the strength to fight my own kind). I would not feel remorse. No one would even notice.

When I go out, I stay within range of the house. I would call it a home, but isn’t the home where the heart is? It is not my home. I followed Eilidh to the apartment. Inside, I stay near Quince. I tried collecting flowers or even capturing a rabbit to brighten the bare little apartment, but the flowers died and the rabbit went slack in my arms. It was as if they could feel what I feel now. They could feel a darkness growing inside of me; they could feel my own doubts and insecurities just beneath my skin.

I hate this new life. I doubt I will be able to survive long.