Dear... diary,
... Is this how you're supposed to start these things? Hrm... it's been ages since I've written my thoughts down. Probably the first time I've done this in English. ... anywho... I just wanted to get some stuff onto paper, since it was nagging me... I'm a horrible person for believing what I did was right, aren't I? I most likely hurt somebody I hold dear to me, and there is no amount of " I'm sorry " to clear that up. But should I be sorry, for standing for what I believe in? Why do I feel this... guilt... like I tore Elliot's heart asunder? I can't apologize. I just can't... He wouldn't listen to me anyway... Maybe I should just face the music, and take whatever is coming to me. Would that make things better? Would me scattered to the shadows again... relieve his pain? I fucked up... I fucked up big time... and I can only sit and wait for this clusterfuck to occur... which I probably set in motion. Maybe... just maybe... he'll forgive me... but not now... not for a long time... probably not for ever... But there's a chance, right? One out of a million... is still... one out of something. ... Eh... These wounds... are going to drive me mad... Elliot's childe sure did a number on my throat, heh... Oh damn... I got blood on the paper... Eh.. Oh well, I guess... Just a minor thing of what I deserve for what I did... yeah? Maybe I'm just paranoid.. overthinking things... but I honestly doubt it... Nothing is easy... and this... whatever... what was it... a failed attempt at love? Was it doomed from my actions, in the very beginning? Maybe he was better off without... Maybe I should have just embraced whatever that zombie would have done. Heh... I doubt I'll sleep a wink... I'm already restless... just wanting Elliot to scream at me, tell me how much I probably hurt him... call whatever we had... over... Probably hurt me, which I rightfully earn. Heh... Maybe the shadows would do me some good... Maybe I should just stay there for quite some time. Just... me... floating around in my misery... though that isn't as bad as what I feel right now. Regret. Sadness. I feel I just shattered my own dreams and aspirations, over something ******* silly as my beliefs. Maybe I should think about lowering my standards? I mean... I tried my best, to protect the masquerade, and look where that gets me. I just... want to say I'm sorry to Elliot, though he won't listen.... Maybe I'll just go to bed... Yeah... That sounds like a plan...
Suicide Queen
-
Kamikaze
- Registered User
- Posts: 367
- Joined: 10 Jan 2012, 05:47
- CrowNet Handle: Tomoe
- Contact:
Suicide Queen
Insanity Incarnate
-
Kamikaze
- Registered User
- Posts: 367
- Joined: 10 Jan 2012, 05:47
- CrowNet Handle: Tomoe
- Contact:
Re: Suicide Queen
Dear Diary,
Figures... I put my head down, and my brain just floods with thoughts. ... I can't believe I'm crying... Ugh... Why do I have to be so weak... and why do I have to be suck a god damned failure? First my body starts failing, and then I'm turned into what I am now, and then... I throw away something I was trying to work hard on... away... just like that... Just because I was ******* doing what I thought was right. It was right, wasn't it? Robert was on the bounty list. I shot him.. It's what I do, right? Then why the **** ... ugh... I never get why people are so... Eh... I'll never understand people, at all... I try to do something, to make them proud... and I ******* ruin something else... while I do that. ... Great. And now I broke the stitches on my throat. ... Heh... Oh well, I guess. Just another reminder of how useless I really am, right?
Figures... I put my head down, and my brain just floods with thoughts. ... I can't believe I'm crying... Ugh... Why do I have to be so weak... and why do I have to be suck a god damned failure? First my body starts failing, and then I'm turned into what I am now, and then... I throw away something I was trying to work hard on... away... just like that... Just because I was ******* doing what I thought was right. It was right, wasn't it? Robert was on the bounty list. I shot him.. It's what I do, right? Then why the **** ... ugh... I never get why people are so... Eh... I'll never understand people, at all... I try to do something, to make them proud... and I ******* ruin something else... while I do that. ... Great. And now I broke the stitches on my throat. ... Heh... Oh well, I guess. Just another reminder of how useless I really am, right?
Insanity Incarnate
-
Kamikaze
- Registered User
- Posts: 367
- Joined: 10 Jan 2012, 05:47
- CrowNet Handle: Tomoe
- Contact:
Re: Suicide Queen
Guess I couldn't have screwed up worse... Guess all this emotion I actually showed him was for nothing...
Insanity Incarnate
-
Kamikaze
- Registered User
- Posts: 367
- Joined: 10 Jan 2012, 05:47
- CrowNet Handle: Tomoe
- Contact:
Re: Suicide Queen
Dear Journal,
... Now that my emotions are in check, I'd like to apologize for how I was behaving. I was... not myself. I probably still am not. Sent Elliot a small email... He probably won't read it, and Vel told me to give him time, so I shall... I'm still... mm... scared? ... Yeah... I think that's it. I'm still scared, if I ever see him face to face ,how he'll react, so I'm just going to stay in the apartment, unless I'm asked to go out on another bounty hit.
... Now that my emotions are in check, I'd like to apologize for how I was behaving. I was... not myself. I probably still am not. Sent Elliot a small email... He probably won't read it, and Vel told me to give him time, so I shall... I'm still... mm... scared? ... Yeah... I think that's it. I'm still scared, if I ever see him face to face ,how he'll react, so I'm just going to stay in the apartment, unless I'm asked to go out on another bounty hit.
Insanity Incarnate
-
Kamikaze
- Registered User
- Posts: 367
- Joined: 10 Jan 2012, 05:47
- CrowNet Handle: Tomoe
- Contact:
Re: Suicide Queen
Dear Journal,
It's been a while, huh? I just needed to clear my head of some things. The pain is still there, a constant now. It helps me realize just how fragile I am emotionally. I don't believe I'll ever try things again, ever, but I'm not making an ultimatum. If things happen, they happen, but I predict that there's a 99.9% chance it won't. Am I upset about my odds? Hardly. It's just a fact of life. Also, after a long talk with Yukiko, we decided it was time to let her rest for good, so I let her go. I'm sure she's happier now. I also got to meet this young girl, Leila. Human, but that doesn't really matter. She seems like a good girl, even though we met at an awkward time and event... Anywho... things have been rather quiet, since there are barely any bounties. These new blights... necurists I think people call them... seem to be keeping themselves in check and out of the spotlight, so I'm quite fine with that. I haven't been bitten, yet, but if I do, I will return the favor with a .308 round.
It's been nice to have Velveteen keep tabs on me, even if I keep my own company. She's a wonderful woman, and I'm proud to work beside her. My sire is dead, for whatever reason. I'm not sure if I should be sad for her. Perhaps if I had more feelings, I'd have some sort of true empathy for her. Cutting ties with the family hasn't felt as bad as I thought it would, but they never truly felt like a family. Far too much inner bickering, and the childe of Alyss who kept asking why masquerade was such a good thing... made me wish I had less respect, so I could have shot her until she stopped being so dense... She just ... People like her... Ugh. It's like she cannot hold onto the knowledge that bad things happen once you break the masquerade.
Other than the obvious, I've been keeping my time busy with shooting whatever I can find, be it blood thief or zombie. I've stopped posting in the Crownet, due to certain folk being obtuse and growing... what's the phrase... butthurt? ... I think that's the word I'm looking for.... yeah. They were rather butthurt due to the words I had to express, even though they were rather plain.
... Well, that's it for now. I'll keep you posted when I can.
It's been a while, huh? I just needed to clear my head of some things. The pain is still there, a constant now. It helps me realize just how fragile I am emotionally. I don't believe I'll ever try things again, ever, but I'm not making an ultimatum. If things happen, they happen, but I predict that there's a 99.9% chance it won't. Am I upset about my odds? Hardly. It's just a fact of life. Also, after a long talk with Yukiko, we decided it was time to let her rest for good, so I let her go. I'm sure she's happier now. I also got to meet this young girl, Leila. Human, but that doesn't really matter. She seems like a good girl, even though we met at an awkward time and event... Anywho... things have been rather quiet, since there are barely any bounties. These new blights... necurists I think people call them... seem to be keeping themselves in check and out of the spotlight, so I'm quite fine with that. I haven't been bitten, yet, but if I do, I will return the favor with a .308 round.
It's been nice to have Velveteen keep tabs on me, even if I keep my own company. She's a wonderful woman, and I'm proud to work beside her. My sire is dead, for whatever reason. I'm not sure if I should be sad for her. Perhaps if I had more feelings, I'd have some sort of true empathy for her. Cutting ties with the family hasn't felt as bad as I thought it would, but they never truly felt like a family. Far too much inner bickering, and the childe of Alyss who kept asking why masquerade was such a good thing... made me wish I had less respect, so I could have shot her until she stopped being so dense... She just ... People like her... Ugh. It's like she cannot hold onto the knowledge that bad things happen once you break the masquerade.
Other than the obvious, I've been keeping my time busy with shooting whatever I can find, be it blood thief or zombie. I've stopped posting in the Crownet, due to certain folk being obtuse and growing... what's the phrase... butthurt? ... I think that's the word I'm looking for.... yeah. They were rather butthurt due to the words I had to express, even though they were rather plain.
... Well, that's it for now. I'll keep you posted when I can.
Insanity Incarnate
-
Kamikaze
- Registered User
- Posts: 367
- Joined: 10 Jan 2012, 05:47
- CrowNet Handle: Tomoe
- Contact:
Re: Suicide Queen
Dear Journal,
I just got a phone call from Rei! It's been so long since we talked, I started to cry. I missed her so much. She's married now, and has two beautiful children. She promised to send me pictures when she can. We talked for what seemed like hours... I'm just so excited. She told me that she isn't sure she can come visit, due to work, family, and the husband working, but I'm quite fine with that. I doubt HR is a place I'd want to see her visiting... Besides, then I'd need to tell her what happened. Anywho... I'm not sure what else to say, but... mm... OH! I accidentally turned Leila, and I regret doing it, but I think her and I can make this work... I hope at least. I've also turned Emma. Both girls are sweethearts.
As of HR news, there's not much to say really. Apparently Killian may try to put a bullet in my back or something, due to me hitting him... although it was his fault for being on the bounty list in the first place. I've been dealing with these 'hunters' in the sewers... Not really sure how I feel on this one. The naked ones concern me about their devotion to their work.
Other than that, nothing much. I need to write more, I know... But I don't really know what to write much.
I just got a phone call from Rei! It's been so long since we talked, I started to cry. I missed her so much. She's married now, and has two beautiful children. She promised to send me pictures when she can. We talked for what seemed like hours... I'm just so excited. She told me that she isn't sure she can come visit, due to work, family, and the husband working, but I'm quite fine with that. I doubt HR is a place I'd want to see her visiting... Besides, then I'd need to tell her what happened. Anywho... I'm not sure what else to say, but... mm... OH! I accidentally turned Leila, and I regret doing it, but I think her and I can make this work... I hope at least. I've also turned Emma. Both girls are sweethearts.
As of HR news, there's not much to say really. Apparently Killian may try to put a bullet in my back or something, due to me hitting him... although it was his fault for being on the bounty list in the first place. I've been dealing with these 'hunters' in the sewers... Not really sure how I feel on this one. The naked ones concern me about their devotion to their work.
Other than that, nothing much. I need to write more, I know... But I don't really know what to write much.
Insanity Incarnate
-
Kamikaze
- Registered User
- Posts: 367
- Joined: 10 Jan 2012, 05:47
- CrowNet Handle: Tomoe
- Contact:
Re: Suicide Queen
Dear Journal,
We breathe. We sing of our return. We dance in the moonlight atop a corpse. We hide. We feed again. We are home. Our mind is free. The voices scream of the truth. The damnation. The regret. We are happy. We are at peace with the screaming, the songs in our head.
We breathe. We sing of our return. We dance in the moonlight atop a corpse. We hide. We feed again. We are home. Our mind is free. The voices scream of the truth. The damnation. The regret. We are happy. We are at peace with the screaming, the songs in our head.
Insanity Incarnate