Path of the Vampire forum

I don’t know how many days it has been since the events occurred that have simply made me forget all that I thought was true. Whatever facts I believed in before were false and whatever expectations I had are long gone. The shadows creep into my soul and change my thoughts. They are not my own completely. I can hear things here in my mind. It is like my telepath powers have forgotten that I am in control. Or maybe I never was in control. Regardless it doesn’t change these voice in my mind that are not my own. I believe some are of the spirits I have consumed. So many of them. Hundreds. I feel that somehow this is wrong and I should not be doing such a thing but I have too. I have to regain my strength so that I can leave this place. That is what I keep telling myself. I think I’m telling myself. I can’t even tell which voice is mine anymore.

They all sound the same now. It is me, them, us, all as one. I think there are parts of me that can hear the crow’s voice mocking me for my mistakes. Small little mistakes I should not have made, but the crow knows I should not have made them. It is funny to her that we kill each other like we do over her whims. A master manipulator that has the whole city under her thumb with such ease. When the rips in the shadow realm that connect these two worlds are no more, I wonder if we will still kill like we do, or if other actions will be taken. I think we are all in her trap and so I will give her praise for such, this brilliant telepath who has all of us pinged. Maybe she speaks to me because she feels sorry for me, being like her as I am. I do not know.

I have thought about asking Elizabeth if she can hear the crow’s voice like I can, but I fear she will call me crazy and cast me away. I’ve none I can talk to about this. Even those who kill for her would not welcome the words she speaks to me, her cackles and laughter as we slaughter each other, her entertainment. I have begun to believe she is like a god in this way. Looking down on us from where ever she may be, controlling our internet access, granting us gifts while at the same time laughing at misery.

Maybe I shouldn’t think like that, I have always been a good Christian, but it is becoming harder to believe in God knowing that I can never die and go to heaven or hell. I do not play by human rules. None of us do. No matter how much I try to believe we might still, we just don’t. Not in any way, shape, or form. It would make sense then that vampires have different types of God-like beings. I believe the Crow is as close as vampires will get. What does that say? I do not know. Being ruled by a telepathic being obviously has its ups and its downs. I just have to wonder what happens if we actually make her mad? Does she take favor of some? Does she put false bounties on heads? Where sins were once laid before me, a code to go by, I now have none. I have seen this old code that was dug up, but the Crow does not follow that, so then what are her rules? How do you play a game with a being you can’t see, with rules you do not know, with the intent to win? I can only have one goal for now, and that is to not be just a pawn in her games.

I don’t care anymore what anyone will think about it. I just can’t give a **** right now. I’m talking to these voices in my mind. These various voices in my ******* head that won’t shut up. They want me to say things for them, things to people who are alive, dead, whatever. In exchange they seem to disappear for a while, until they want something else. They let me talk to them about my ideas. They all know I am a vampire. In fact, they seem to know everything I know while I know nothing about them but what they tell me. I find this very unfair, but I suppose I don’t get a choice in that. While I sit here they answer my questions with their opinions before I even have them spoken. I do not have names for them, I can’t tell how many there are, and I doubt I ever will be able to tell and in the end I just can’t care.

We talk about my ‘guy’ a lot. About how I ended up here and why I can’t leave yet even though I should be able too. They find the ability to consume spirit energy a bit disgusting, but it’s not like they or any other spirit has a choice. I wonder how many of their loved ones have been eaten by other vampires, but I’m quite glad I have no idea. If I knew, they would know. General consensus is that I am to soft to be a vampire. That I’m simply not some horrible beast. That I seem like a normal twenty-something year old girl who is clearly in way over her head with whatever is going on. They tried to talk about Amara once. I tapped into youtube and blasted anything loud and angry that I could just to drown them out. I don’t care what they have to say about my sire.

They don’t have any idea what the Crow is beyond what is in my mind, and so they are useless on that subject, but they hear her talk to me just like I do. Not that saying the voices in my head hearing the other voice in my head is some sort of proof or salvation that maybe I’m not completely insane, but I will take what I can get at this point. When she talks to me they all fall silent. Like she is blocking them from speaking to me while she speaks to me, but I can feel them cower in my mind from her. I am starting to think that maybe the Crow is the devil and there is a god somewhere out there to save us from her, but such efforts seem futile. If there was anyone but her you would think they would have shown themselves to us, the vampires, in some way shape or form by now and yet none do. Maybe the Crow is a being with two sides. Changing. Like myths about the maiden, mother, and crone.

Regardless, when she leaves me the voices do not stay quiet any longer. They tell me to fear such a powerful being, specially knowing what I know about her from being on the outside and living by her unwritten laws. In this I think they are right, that I should fear her, but if I fear this being then I am letting her win without putting up a fight and I am not going to do that. I have gotten just about everything I have ever wanted, with a few flaws and bumps here and there, and I have faith in myself that I can be more. Do more. Voices are not supportive, but I don’t care. If worse comes to worse, I will take my lessons from the master herself.

All that separates me and the Crow is a few thousand years of training.