Reflections (Memoirs and Musings)
Posted: 22 Jun 2011, 05:17
I think...I cried. Be it because of the terrifying darkness or the crippling sense of loss, I believe I was brought to tears moments before I had found my way and was brought back to life. Its embarrassing to say, but I won't rebuke the possibility that I was met with a warped sense of sorrow, terror, and anxiousness during my turning. It was an odd experience that felt as if it lasted an eternity and yet, at the same time, mere seconds in whatever existence one may call that place...
I won't get into how it is I 'woke' and came into the world anew. I'm sure its different for everyone, but the general transition is the same. Perhaps I'll talk about that later when I'm more comfortable with the fact that I was seen nude by the one I was soon to call sire, but was nothing but a stranger to me at the time. Instead of that, I will speak about my very first night as a vampire. The wonders, the excitement, the darkness...the terrors...
My name is Rue Jae Park...well, that had been my name when I was...mortal. With my new birth, I was christened the new name of Dragomir, the name of my sire. Where there was once Rue Jae Park, there now stands Rue Dragomir in unholy flesh. As I wish to say that I had changed much in light of my turning, I am ashamed, perhaps, to say that I haven't changed much at all. In fact, perhaps I have become far worse than I had been?
As Rue Jae Park, I was little more than a street urchin hunkered down in an old apartment, making a living by stealing everything I needed or wanted. I had years of practice and a face no one would ever suspect; an innocent portrayal, nearly flawless. A smile and kind words could have me skate past security, and watery eyes and a quivering lip could save me from consequence. However, I was alone, and the very silence had began to eat at me until I was raw around the edges, driving me to look for company in undesirable places (this I would like not like to divulge, either).
In addition to my kleptomania and my lonely life, I had come to lose my trust in others. In fact, I had become paranoid. It was as if everyone was suspicious of me or knew my secret. I had a guilty conscience the size of an elephant, and it was always in the room with me...stifling, awkward, and scary. This was my life, a nineteen year old delinquent with trust issues and sticky fingers. It was how I came to meet my sire, in fact. He caught me in the act of stealing a weapon, which I had sought out after a dangerous scuffle (again, I'd rather not talk about it). At that moment, it was fate. Destiny.
As Rue Dragomir, my fingers are like glue, my conscience a dinosaur, my trust in others nearly non-existent, and not only do I tend to feel as if I'm the only entity on this planet, but the raging, shifting tempest of emotions I harbor have made me moodier than I've ever remembered! I find myself elated one moment and then completely enraged the next, and with such swiftness and ferocity that I find myself annoyed. The moment I spot my sire, I am immediately by his side and happier than a kid in a candy store, but the moment I lose his attention, my world is suddenly a dark place to be.
I am obsessive...but I can't help myself.
So, Rue Jae Park had become a vampire, and his vampire self was more messed up than his human self, just physically more enhanced and even more emotionally unstable. When it was that I came to feed for the first time, I was nervous. More than nervous, I was terrified, but I was so hungry that terror was mistaken as anxiety, and my wavering breathes were not of courage, but of starvation. The woman was unknown to me, early thirties, divorced, tired. She had been on her way to the transit stop when she encountered me, looking much like a lost child. I had appealed to her motherly senses, beckoning her to approach without ever having said a word. She was easily worried about me and sought to comfort me, asking questions full of concern.
Close to her, I could smell the blood within her veins, coursing beneath her flesh. I could almost taste her unwavering kindness and caring in the air and when finally found in her embrace, I nestled against her neck soothingly and held her tight as if overcome by strong emotion...hunger. My newly born incisors sank deep within the veins of her neck and heaven was found in the deep crimson sustenance. She was shocked, I knew she was shocked, but she couldn't find her cries or her resistance and was soon weak with fatigue and I dropped her with a sigh that comes after a long drink.
I was invigorated.
Casually, I swiped what valuables she had within her purse and went on my merry way. I could do this. This was easy. I like this part, I had no qualms with this part for getting what I wanted was easier than ever for people seemed to simply believe me and my innocent smile and kind words. However, there are some aspects of the life of a vampire that horrify me...an example could be of what looks back at me from beyond the mirror...
I won't get into how it is I 'woke' and came into the world anew. I'm sure its different for everyone, but the general transition is the same. Perhaps I'll talk about that later when I'm more comfortable with the fact that I was seen nude by the one I was soon to call sire, but was nothing but a stranger to me at the time. Instead of that, I will speak about my very first night as a vampire. The wonders, the excitement, the darkness...the terrors...
My name is Rue Jae Park...well, that had been my name when I was...mortal. With my new birth, I was christened the new name of Dragomir, the name of my sire. Where there was once Rue Jae Park, there now stands Rue Dragomir in unholy flesh. As I wish to say that I had changed much in light of my turning, I am ashamed, perhaps, to say that I haven't changed much at all. In fact, perhaps I have become far worse than I had been?
As Rue Jae Park, I was little more than a street urchin hunkered down in an old apartment, making a living by stealing everything I needed or wanted. I had years of practice and a face no one would ever suspect; an innocent portrayal, nearly flawless. A smile and kind words could have me skate past security, and watery eyes and a quivering lip could save me from consequence. However, I was alone, and the very silence had began to eat at me until I was raw around the edges, driving me to look for company in undesirable places (this I would like not like to divulge, either).
In addition to my kleptomania and my lonely life, I had come to lose my trust in others. In fact, I had become paranoid. It was as if everyone was suspicious of me or knew my secret. I had a guilty conscience the size of an elephant, and it was always in the room with me...stifling, awkward, and scary. This was my life, a nineteen year old delinquent with trust issues and sticky fingers. It was how I came to meet my sire, in fact. He caught me in the act of stealing a weapon, which I had sought out after a dangerous scuffle (again, I'd rather not talk about it). At that moment, it was fate. Destiny.
As Rue Dragomir, my fingers are like glue, my conscience a dinosaur, my trust in others nearly non-existent, and not only do I tend to feel as if I'm the only entity on this planet, but the raging, shifting tempest of emotions I harbor have made me moodier than I've ever remembered! I find myself elated one moment and then completely enraged the next, and with such swiftness and ferocity that I find myself annoyed. The moment I spot my sire, I am immediately by his side and happier than a kid in a candy store, but the moment I lose his attention, my world is suddenly a dark place to be.
I am obsessive...but I can't help myself.
So, Rue Jae Park had become a vampire, and his vampire self was more messed up than his human self, just physically more enhanced and even more emotionally unstable. When it was that I came to feed for the first time, I was nervous. More than nervous, I was terrified, but I was so hungry that terror was mistaken as anxiety, and my wavering breathes were not of courage, but of starvation. The woman was unknown to me, early thirties, divorced, tired. She had been on her way to the transit stop when she encountered me, looking much like a lost child. I had appealed to her motherly senses, beckoning her to approach without ever having said a word. She was easily worried about me and sought to comfort me, asking questions full of concern.
Close to her, I could smell the blood within her veins, coursing beneath her flesh. I could almost taste her unwavering kindness and caring in the air and when finally found in her embrace, I nestled against her neck soothingly and held her tight as if overcome by strong emotion...hunger. My newly born incisors sank deep within the veins of her neck and heaven was found in the deep crimson sustenance. She was shocked, I knew she was shocked, but she couldn't find her cries or her resistance and was soon weak with fatigue and I dropped her with a sigh that comes after a long drink.
I was invigorated.
Casually, I swiped what valuables she had within her purse and went on my merry way. I could do this. This was easy. I like this part, I had no qualms with this part for getting what I wanted was easier than ever for people seemed to simply believe me and my innocent smile and kind words. However, there are some aspects of the life of a vampire that horrify me...an example could be of what looks back at me from beyond the mirror...