Path of the Vampire forum

Dearest Journal,
It might be the last time I get to talk to you, my best friend. It almost seems silly now to carry you around with me every day in place of a real living human being to call friend but you have always been the only one I felt comfort with. I sit here now facing death and even after 23 years, I can hardly say I lived at all, nothing more than a shadow of a person.

I spent most of my time hiding, sneaking around the people who tried to be close- who tried to extend so many olive branches I could have had an entire forest around me, full of friends and family. I don't know what I was running away from, where I thought I was running to but now that its nearly over, I feel a wave of relief just thinking about all of those people disappearing. Their looks of pity made me shudder, their awkward words of encouragement that I would be just fine. Lies. They knew it and I knew it. Only you ever knew my real pain, allowed me to express every thought without any judgment or fake reassurance.

I tried so hard to please my parents. Just once I wanted a look of love, one that told me that I wasn't the burden I felt like. I got a good education, even in the hospital, made straight A's and always far more advanced than most my age. I could have been something fantastic if life had allowed it. It was never enough for them. It was all a game of pretend anyways. I just wanted to be alone, completely alone.

In the corner of the room was the darkness. Quiet and unobtrusive. Those qualities alone made it so much more inviting. There was no pressure in the darkness to be perfect, to keep smiling and insisting that everything would work out in the end. No, the dark allowed for doubt and mistakes. There was no pity from the darkness. One can only hope that against all odds that in the end darkness will find me rather than the light. I long to be my own person.

For the last time:
Love, Kacee
Human.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am now a vampire. That's right, a blood sucking cold shell of the human I once was. The punchline- my life, or UNlife as it were- is filled with so much more....


How did I get to this point in my life? Well I'll tell you. This may take a while so sit back and grab a bowl of popcorn. You may want to grab some coffee or energy drinks too because I can't guarantee that it's the most exciting story you've ever heard.



((OOC- Please keep in mind, that all the information in this thread is OOC information. Who she is speaking to is unimportant, as it is no character RPing here in the game.))

I don't remember much about my childhood, but who really does? I don't remember the spaghetti covered face at two years old or the beautiful cake I smashed all over my tray on my fourth birthday. We all enjoy sitting back with our family and looking through the photo album at all the weird and unusual events of our childhood, but not many of us can actually recall those moments. The very earliest memory I have is the summer of my 6th year.

I was riding my bike, just like the rest of the neighborhood kids. It's what we did all summer to expend all that energy we heard our parents wishing they still had. To be fair, I don't actually recall much about the bike riding bit, but that's how the story went. I don't recall the fall that brought the ambulance after me, or the tubes and needles that took my blood. In fact, there is really only one single moment over those few days that I can have a clear recollection of.

One probably assumes that this type of news would create a look of panic, fear, sadness and an overwhelming desire to burst into tears. This is what the typical parent does when they are faced with the news that their perfect little offspring could die. Not mine. There was panic, but it was a much different kind of panic. It was the 'Ohmygod, this is going to be a real pain in our social asses' type of panic. Every question that followed, had little to do with my health or well-being.

"Will we have to drag her in here all the time for tests?"

"Isn't there some sort of medication to make this just go away?"

"Oh god, will she lose her hair now? How will she attend parties and social events with no hair!"

I could go on and on, but I think you all get the gist. I was only six back then but even I could see the burden I had become with one simple word. Cancer. I know what you are all thinking, cancer can go into remission with the proper treatment. Unfortunately, mine was already pretty bad and spreading through different parts of my body. They would treat it of course but their only guarantee was that they could prolong my life, not cure it. Remission was not an option. I could die as soon as 6 months or live as long as 20 years. Who could know?

So, the next several years was spent just as you'd imagine. Lots of chemo, lots of drugs, lots of puking and tons of time in the hospital. Most people had their parents for support, holding their hand and offering reassuring smiles that promised it would all be worth it in the end. Not me. The very rare occasion that my mother did show, she spent a majority of the time staring at the clock and bugging every nurse that walked past to hurry it up so she wouldn't be late for a tennis match or PTA meeting. My brother had become the king of the hill- the special child, the important one. Not even he could be bothered with the illness of his pitiful sister. If anything I had been an object blocking the path to his success.

Skip ahead several years. I really don't need to spend the next few hours explaining in depth the nature of cancer treatment- we've all heard enough in our lifetime to assume the major points.

By the time my sweet 16th rolled around I had become a permanent resident of the cancer ward. It wasn't really the norm, mind you, but my parents had enough cash to convince the hospital that my care should be 100% in their hands. With their busy schedules, no one could be at home to watch out for me and a nurse at home would just get in the way. Don't fret too much, the fam still came to visit on holidays and special occasions- IE- when they felt guilt creeping in. The visits were short, and there were always flowers. That alone was a sure sign they had no idea who their daughter was. I was allergic to them. I guess it's the thought that counts. I mean, grabbing a few carnations from the hospital gift shop was almost three whole steps out of their way when coming to see me.

I suppose you could say it all worked out for the best. I found solace in reading and spending time alone out under the stars at night. I didn't much care for the sun, so bright and obtrusive for someone who didn't get out much. It also gave you so much energy and desire for getting up and running through fields of flowers, something I would never have the chance to do. The night never lied, it never gave you false comfort.

Okay, now stop right there. I can almost feel the pity oozing out of you. Don't. I hated my circumstances but generally I was happy with the lack of family. I mean come on- certainly we can agree that they sucked ***? Who'd want them around all the time? I figure I got the best end of the deal, it could have been them constantly primping me and trying to make me look like a prom queen every day to hide the fact that I even had cancer. I'm sure that was in their original discussion on how to handle me.

Well, there isn't much more to say about my life as human. I never experienced anything at all, unless you count my vicarious living through television. Then I could tell you big stories of adventures in the wild, facing off with crocodiles. Or maybe that time I hiked up Mount Everest! If we were to count those, I could tell you stories of romance and passion like you've never heard before. But the fact is, this was my life- dull white walls and a hospital gown. Hell, I'd have been delighted if one of my several doctors even twitched a little when they got to see my bare *** during exams. But of course they always remained 'professional' and I was just a textbook case of Cancer, nothing remotely close to a woman in their eyes.

Now I am a vampire and everything has changed.

Staus, who most of you probably know by now, being a first generation vampire in Harper Rock, well he is also some great ancestor of mine. Yeah, he had the luxury of being part of that obnoxious family I told you about. As stuffy as he is, I suspect he had a lot to do with their complete lack of personality. Now I have the unfortunate luck of being his vampire childer as well as his human ancestor. Mind you, he hasn't done anything awful and he gave me a gift I absolutely could not refuse, I guess I am just waiting for him to get that burdened look on his face. I haven't made it easy for him though, looking for every opportunity to make him pinch the bridge of his nose in frustration. It's almost cute in that crusty old uncle sort of way.

I haven't found a direction yet. Some say not to rush it, it's just been a short while since I was turned and we have an eternity for that. I am flopping around like a fish out of water though. Not only do I not have to worry about death and an eternity to live, but I am exposed to real life, life outside of those secured four walls of the hospital room. Even putting on my first pair of leather pants was a major step towards change since up until now the only choice I had is what color hospital gown I wanted that day. Was it going to be the frog print or giraffe? No, I'm not kidding.

My very first night as a vampire, I turned another human. That's right, my response to being given this very amazing gift was to give it to another. Before you applaud my good nature- let me tell you about Joowa. He is a drug dealing womanizer with absolutely nothing worthy about him. He took every minute of his life for granted and did nothing. Hell, he hadn't even moved out of his mother's basement. A real winner, that one. I didn't honestly intend to turn him. I might have gotten a little carried away with the feeding and panicked when I couldn't figure out what to do with the body. What better way to clean up the mess than to bring the heaping pile of garbage back to life?

So there is my first big mess as a vampire. I was off to a great start in my new life, right? Don't go yet, this is where it gets real interesting. I promise.

Can I pause for a dedication? Is that allowed? Yes, I realize we are right in the middle of a story, but it has to be said.

The next portion of my messy life as a vampire is dedicated to Asher, Lucas and Sebastian.

I remember the first time he looked at me. That hard stare before he turned and left. Asher was anything but sweet and charming that first night, such a rare thing to miss in an Allurist. He was sexy in that beer chugging, dick-grabbing way that you see in construction workers walking to work. Not that I knew personally, but I'd see it happen enough on TV. Hello, Al Bundy. Still, I was completely taken with him in just minutes. I would never ever have admitted it though, still firmly pushing his legs out of my lap every time he tried to use me as his personal footstool. He was so intense and so damned difficult. It was clear that he had no real direction either but his floundering was far less obvious than my own. Stubborn but god, or satan, as my witness, he was so ******* sexy.

Lucas. Well anyone that meets Lucas should know one thing, he is definitely the opposite of what you expect from a vampire. Sweet, gentle, kind. Made a girl blush with a simple touch. I knew the first time we talked what it felt like to be a 16 year old with a serious case of mad puppy love. Of course his virtue wouldn't allow him to do anything that made me feel like he wanted to sweep me off my feet and make passionate love all night long. No, he was much more reserved, touching me in ways one would expect a comforting father would touch his sad daughter. A soft squeeze around the shoulders, a light peck to the forehead. You get what I mean. I am sure most of you have experienced that moment when you realize this awesome great guy looked at you like his favorite little sister, not a potential girlfriend.

Then there was Sebastian. Yeah, most in my vampire 'family' or 'bloodline', whatever they call these things that pushed us all into one big group, already know about that mess. In my determination to make my sire fume, I announced during a conference that I would be engaging in sexual relations with Sebastian. Now, I had only known Sebastian for a few minutes and I certainly had zero intentions of actually doing what I had announced but the look on my sire's face was priceless. Sebastian was a good sport and played along, exchanging whispers that the telepathic sire would know to be dirty comments. If nothing else, it was just some meaningless fun.

Here is where it gets tricky. I have no ******* clue what the hell to do with a man and here I am faced with a dilemma. Three men, all amazing in their own way and the only thing I want to do now is run. Of course, you should know by now, I didn't run. I'd probably have been better off had I, because what came about was pretty much the end for me and anyone of those guys. That's right- they are all still up for grabs so go get'em ladies. I suppose I could explain the train wreck I made of the entire situation...but for that I will need a moment to compose myself.

Okay, I think I have managed to get myself together enough to tell you this story. I'll start with Asher, since I met him long before I ever saw Lucas or Sebastian.

Asher was hard and intense. He made me weak just by standing there, much less when he actually touched me. It was somewhat exciting for me since all of this was so new. To finally be noticed. To be fair, I wasn't the only woman in the city that had noticed Asher. Can you blame the other women though? I was assured time and time again that Asher was like any other allurist- charming and ready to bed any woman that came knocking. Silly me, I believed him when he said he wanted me. ME! We never did anything, not sexually anyways. He was a gentleman in that regard, at least for the player they accused him of being.

I had heard whispers that Asher had not been away like he told me. Rather, he was spending time with others and avoiding my calls. This pained me. I had no idea what I had done to make him treat me like this and the first time I saw him again, I really gave it to him good. That backfired. Maybe I should have tried a different approach and been calmer about it. I really don't know what to do in these situations but I have been so overwhelmed by emotions since my turning, I was a bomb waiting to explode. Rather than talk to me though, he used his powers to seduce me. A promise he broke. Don't go getting the wrong idea, he never actually touched me, or used it for any intimate purpose. He just shut me up and then left me standing there. Alone. Seduced. Confused.

Long nights went by and again, he refused my calls and didn't return my messages. To be truthful, by this point I had met Lucas, who had given me so much more than Asher even offered. Without even touching me, Lucas made me feel safe and comfortable to explore all these emotions building inside of me. I had almost forgotten about Asher completely now, realizing that he was just one of those bad-boys girls can't help but chase so they can change them, somehow feeling special in the process. That isn't what I wanted at all. I knew, in Lucas, I found someone who could be my best friend as much as a companion. Again, it pained me to believe the feelings weren't returned. I'm not sure what I expected, especially given his past, but I longed to feel his lips against mine, even if just a small moment.

I didn't give up. Lucas was wanting to spend time with me, get to know me past the initial attractions that we seem to have for those around us. That was enough for now. I already told you of the silly stunt with Sebastian and my family. Sebastian and I really didn't talk for a while after that and he had found himself someone else. Her name was Aura. I wasn't too disappointed, although he had asked me on a date. I had Lucas to concentrate on so I was actually pretty happy for Sebastian. He seemed to genuinely love this girl. That shy boy I had met a few days before, had somehow blossomed a little and found someone. Go Sebastian!

Sounds great so far, huh? Guess again. Lucas and I decided to go swimming. I had never been swimming and now that I knew I wouldn't drown, I was actually bouncing out of my clothes to get in that water. Maybe we would finally get somewhere together- have some fun and it would make us feel closer. I twirled around him in the water, splashing about for all of five minutes before he ran out on me. Again, I was left alone, standing there with no one, no explanation. Just nothing. What the hell was I doing wrong to drive them away? Maybe I was just coming on too strong.

On the way home I ran into Sebastian. He was moping and looked like his best friend has just been killed. I felt sad for him. Of course, I asked him if he needed to talk. It was hard though, feeling that I wasn't the face he was hoping to see. I figured he was looking for his girl. Come to find out, she had already walked away from him. So soon and with little explanation except that she wasn't ready for the relationship. Boy, did I ever know -that- pain. I had heard that more than enough over the past few nights. Sebastian and I did share one thing though- neither of us understood a damned thing about love, sex or relationships. It was a totally new concept. We had both lived invisible lives as humans so I could appreciate his situation more than most.

I was feeling pretty rejected myself so rather than try to cheer him up, I merely slumped to the floor beside him, held his hand and sat in silence for a while. It was nice just having someone to sit with that understood what it felt like to be on the outside. Even though Sebastian and I hadn't really been all that close before, it didn't seem to stop what was to come. That's right, we slept together. We were completely weak, sad, alone. I want to say it was a mistake and I regret it but it was so freeing, so absolutely freeing. Finally, that daunting virginity was gone and with someone, that while I was not in love with, was someone I cared for, family, bloodline, and nice. He wasn't some player that used me as another notch. He and I shared a moment that got us through something terrible.

I was honest with Lucas. I hoped he would understand and still want to get to know me, let me show him that I wasn't just looking for sex, but that I finally stopped being able to control those overwhelming emotions that were flooding me. I could concentrate now on my eternity, what I wanted to do, and I could finally find some damned control. It was just excuses, I know. I failed him, I know. I honestly hadn't realized that he wanted to be more than friends. He was my friend and I needed to confide in him. He turned his back on me. I don't blame him, I should have known. I should have realized that his time and attention was more than a friendly face. Check off another lesson learned.

Now, I don't know what I feel or what I want. Sebastian has come to see me every night without fail. He has listened and we've talked. He has been with others sexually (curse those allurists!!!), but oddly, I'm not all that bothered by it. He never tried to hide it. Honestly, there's no one else I really want to be with now. I lost Asher. I lost Lucas. I didn't want to lose Sebastian too by demanding anything just because we slept together. No. I would be the friend he needed me to be and if nothing else would come of that, at least we both had that safe place to go at the end of the night.

So there's my tale of the first mess I made of love and relationships. Hope you all learned something from my disaster.

My parents? Funny you should ask about them. I killed them. Of course after I was turned! Moron.

I don't really like talking about it. That's a darker part of my past. Okay, I get that you wouldn't call a few weeks ago 'my past' but it is for me. What happened that night was no more than closure to years of neglect. Do you really need the dirty details of it? I slaughtered them, it's a fairly simple explanation, I think. Asher stayed behind to clean up the mess. That's why I had taken him, after all. Oh yeah, this was way before I met Lucas and Sebastian...before Asher walked out on me. No, I didn't expect some fairy tale ending just because he helped me off my parents. I'm not that delusional. You sure do have a lot of **** to say tonight, don't you? I'm starting to wonder if you are getting a little aroused by the idea of torture, all that blood and guts spilling to a nice pretty white carpet. You like that, do you? Me too.

Staus? Why do you bring up that stuffy old ********? He is so dull, I thought I told you that. Of course I don't see him as a replacement father! Just gross. Do I ever feel like ******* his brains out? Are you mad? Give me some credit as a woman. He is an ancestor. I realize vampires don't adhere to some human rules of incest but I am pretty sure this instance doesn't just toe the line but jumps over and does the hokey pokey on the other side. I like him alright, I mean, he did save me from my fears. He gave me what I needed in a crucial moment of my life. It's more than any other man has ever given me, even if it was for his own selfish reasons. No, I don't know what those reasons are, something about his human sister once upon a time. He is so monotone that I find it hard to keep up.

Why do I make his life difficult? I can't really say. I suppose it's just entertaining for me. You know he actually called me MADAME last night? Of all the.... how will he ever expect to fit in with humans calling women my age MADAME! He's like something right out of Gone with the Wind, minus the romance. I don't think that man would know romance if it bit him squarely in the ***. All he cares about are those books anyways, he probably hasn't ever even noticed I, or any other woman, have breasts, much less other sensitive parts. Okay Okay, for now I will go a little easier on him. Find me something else to amuse myself with then. Before I go crazy!

Why do you have to keep bringing him up? I did what you wanted. I went and tried to apologize, so why keep harping about it? Just accept it, he's gone and quite frankly, the way I am going, it's probably best. He would have just held me back, always looking over my shoulder with his criticism and judgmental lectures. I did nothing wrong. Nothing. So what if I slept with Sebastian? Why must you keep acting so sullen about that? I wasn't dating anyone, I had made no promises. I was in no relationship and I certainly didn't lie. Neither did you. Yeah yeah, feelings have been all over the place and the timing was all wrong, but that doesn't grant the right for Lucas to be angry, it was my life, my momentary lapse of judgment, my choice. Get over it, will you?

Besides, look what came from that? Yes, I know Sebastian slept with someone else after, but in all fairness I did push him to explore. I wasn't ready for a relationship. You aren't either even if you think you are. We have eternity. Even if I didn't like it, I have no right to be angry. I didn't ask him not to. I didn't tell him to be faithful to me. I never let him know it would hurt me. Sound familiar? I thought so too. You have to admit it all worked out, though. Sebastian is truly there for me, issues and all...and yes, I consider you part of the issues and the all. How does it feel to be judged?

Do -you- want to go to that abandoned church? Of course. You would. Why must you be so damned difficult? Who's telling this story, me or you? I liked you at first, thought you were really interested in my side, but no, it's just all about you you you. You wouldn't get along with Ripper anyways. He is way too fun for you. A little quirky, yes. NO! I'm not trying to mess things up worse than they are. Will you please just shut up and let me tell the whole story?

Thank you.

Right. So last night I met Ripper. He was fun. Showed me a bit of magic and we had an interesting chat about shagging and horses. Oh! And having a butcher. You know- having a butcher- butchers use hooks- hooks sounds like looks- get it? Of for fucks sake- It means to have a look around. We looked around the city. He has a specific prey in mind and I was just going along for the ride. I was curious about all the limb ripping. His name is Ripper after all.

I also met Victoria. She was a hoot, nervously determined, that's what I would call her. Poor Ombrata, shady one he is. He has a lot to answer up for if he ever shows his face to that spawn of his. Not sure who will win that fight. I place my bets on Victoria. She's got red hair, yanno. Those redheads can be fiiiesty, especially when they have a grudge.

It seems that Staus had his fangs out again. I ran into Nathaniel after leaving Lucas. He didn't seem to judge, even after I told him everything. Nice guy. Yeah, he is probably way more your type than mine, but I guess only time will tell. He had a nice smile, I admit. It's odd the things you learn. I thought Lucas would totally understand me, having lived such a similar life but it turned out that Nathaniel, the one who lived a very quaint and nice life, understood me far more. Weird, huh? He is holding something back though, I can see it in his eyes. I've seen that look in the mirror every night. You see it too, I know. Anyways, it seems I found my safe place, my -real- safe place to be who I am without worry about that look of disappointment and bitterness. I can mess up and Nathaniel will get it. He may not say it out loud but there is something deep down inside of him that feels my pain. He gets it.

What do you mean, where am I going with this? I was just telling you about my night.

**** you too. I am going to see Sebastian. At least he smiles when I come into the room.

So the next part of my story is a little odd so maybe you can make some sense of it. I hadn't really noticed any pattern until recently, but the more I see people the more I feel like my insides are twisting.

It started with Nikolae Dragomir. It was just a normal introductory conversation. **** you, yes I can use big words too. Now, where was I- right, we were just talking, getting adjusted to the city, making a few comments on the direction the city was taking in regards to the big vampire secret. The odd thing about Nikolae is that he has a very proper dialect. You'd almost think he was Old English. By the end of that conversation, we were engaged in talk of Shakespeare and I somehow knew things, and pronounced my words as if I was some childhood friend of Nikolae, similar dialect and all. When I left him, I felt like I was walking off a stage and the curtain was soon to drop. I just hadn't realized it then.

So, Asher, Lucas and Sebastian star in yet another role of my life. Don't worry, this hasn't anything to do with a silly love gone wrong but my time with each of them was important, none the less. Asher made me grit my teeth, he made me angry and spiteful. I could feel it boiling in the pit of my stomach when we were together even when I had nothing to be angry at. I could easily dismiss it as rage built for my parents over the crap life they left me with but it was definitely something more. I decided then that being a vampire came with this unnatural flood of emotions that I needed to learn how to control.

Lucas made me blush like a highschool girl. I felt pure and innocent like a cute little flower opening for the first time. YES, I know I said this wasn't about love and mush, just listen. Right. I felt ethical, moral and filled with a sense of value. I needed to find a direction, a good path to follow, after all, who said vampires -had- to be bad? With Lucas on my side, I could be an amazingly soft and gentle soul.

Yeah, who am I kidding?

Sebastian. Oh, he is in a whole ballpark of his own. With him, all I can be is pure sex and lust. I can't seem to keep my clothes on and he isn't even an allurist. No, this isn't some spell or magical power he has over me, this is ME, this is my own mind. I could probably even make the cut for some crazy *** porn. Don't start on me again about the little experience I have with men, I know what I feel and when I am with Sebastian, it is -all- sex all the time. Even when we argued you could feel the sexual tension in the room ready to explode and I think it did, when that wine glass shattered. The strange part of this is- sex isn't a priority to me. I don't really care about it, well not when Sebastian isn't around.

There were others, lots of others- people I just met for a brief conversation, some I had long talks with and others that I barely spoke a word to outside of the passing hello. In each of these instances, I shifted. No, not shapeshifted, you idiot....just something skewed. It wasn't crystal clear until after Ripper and Nathaniel.

I have no idea what happened with Ripper. It was so much fun. I wasn't thinking about sex. I wasn't thinking about relationships or even about values. Hell, thinking back to our conversation I don't think I thought about anything at all. It was like I had left my mind somewhere else to rest. Truth be told, he did show a bit of concern for my sanity a few times. Not much later, Nathaniel and I had a long sit down conversation. Meaningful, calm. We shared some human stories and had a laugh. It was like a light flickered on again. I was just normal. You know, the boring kind of normal that people dismiss without a second glance. Nothing special, good or bad about me. I just was.

Please, save the multiple personality theory for the crackpot therapist. If I had several personalities I wouldn't be sitting here telling you this story, would I? How would I so clearly feel and know what the others had done? An excuse- that's what that is. Oh, sorry I was a horrible lying piece of shit- that was Tracy, the evil personality. Gimme a break.

So you tell me, who am I really?

He had read through her journal after finding it. She was even now trying to read over his shoulder as he wrote in her journal. Miss impatient would have to wait. Never having one himself, he hadn't a clue how to start an entry in one. He would do his best, she was probably the only who would read it. She wouldn't care how he started it.

------------------------------------------------------

Dear Kacees Journal.

It seems Kacee has abandoned you, so I am adding a small page to you. Since she has been holding me hostage she hasn't done much of anything but... torture me. She hides my clothes. Refuses to let me leave and denies me any kind of outside entertainment. Like movies, books, food. Its ok though. I've found that I like it and I don't mind it at all. There is no other place in the world I want to be except where I am. If I'm not mistaken, she is even planning a wooden stake wedding since a shotgun won't work on me anymore. I have a feeling when she reads this, I'm going to be in terrible trouble so good bye world.

I kid with you journal. I won't be in trouble, but the rest is the truth. Ok journal I am going to give you back to her and hope that me stealing you for a few moments will get her to pay you little attention. Oh, and if you will... tell her I love her. She already knows, but maybe here where she can read it often she will remember when I have to leave her some days for work.

Nathaniel

----------------------------------------------------------

Finishing up he closed the book and tossed it to her on the bed with a smile.