Accountability Partner (Journal)

[Victor (DELETED 2707)]

Day 1:

50 days. That's how long I was able to stay clean. Away from temptation. Was easy after the first 5, only wanted one thing. To drink. One thing to drink...

I left Alyss' apartment feeling better. Was all healed and hungry. Been hungry since before...I died. Feels weird to write that now. Hit a group leaving a bar. Too hungry to care that stupid **** like that was what got me in trouble barely a week ago. Soon as I bit the first, I really didn't care.

Don't know if it was real or not, might have just been me wanting it, but I could taste the alcohol on them. Went from one to another to another and was full to bursting before I heard someone screaming.

I cared about getting caught then.

Feeling like I was starting to buzz, I ran to the only sewer entrance I knew about and dropped down and did my best to wander to the QZ. I didn't think about when I led her there, trying to prove what I could do... Didn't think about that once...

When I stuck my head up I saw one of the...zombies I guess. Still hard to write that word. Zombies. I didn't see it though. I saw Ripper and every one of the fuckers that had hurt her before me and yet...were good enough that she would let them get close.

I want to know what's wrong with me. Why I'm not good enough....

I shot it. Over and over. Emptied a clip in to it long after it stopped moving. Saw another. Same. Another. Same. Then...I was in the bar. And I was shaking. And I still only know one way to keep my hands steady when I shake. I found a bottle of something clear and I turned it up and I loved the burn.

Made me forget. About her. About them. About the blood and the violence and the death and...

And then it hit my stomach and I remembered what I learned in college. Liquor doesn't taste as good the second time.

Retching and heaving up the little bit of liquid, years of college had given me enough practice to miss my shirt and shoes. And this is why this life ******* sucks. I can't have her and I can't have a damn drink.

So you're gonna be my...accountability partner they called it the one meeting I went to. Keep me straight and clean. The liquor's gonna be the easy part. **** is not fun anymore. You're gonna help me get over her... And today's day 1.