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MacJournal: Ellis Becker [Administrator]
Posted: 21 Dec 2011, 09:02
by Ellis
Journal: Vamp Life
December 20, 2011
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Topic: Roots
I have neglected you, it seems, old friend. That’s never been my intention, to lose contact with the cathartic and sometimes only sympathetic ear that I’ve been able to rely on these twenty-six years. You’ll forgive me if I seem more dramatic than usual this evening; I had to create a new journal tonight—one that chronicles my life as a vampire and I’ve realized I’m leaving behind everything I used to be as a human and starting something new and I’m afraid it may not be as magnificent as my books have led me to believe.
I was turned October 17th, 2011, in the dead of the night. This was just after we last talked on October 15th. A man named Mircea Grigori approached me on the street and he grabbed my shoulder, and I don’t know what I was thinking. Normally I’d have mumbled uncomfortably and darted away from him in the night but I turned around, and I yelled at him, I pepper sprayed him, I pushed him... something about him made me boisterous, and angry, and confident in myself. He took me to coffee and we spoke, and... well, to make a long story short, I became a vampire. I suppose I’ll tell you the whole story later.
For a month or so, I struggled. I didn’t know who I was, what I was. Was I evil? Was I dead? Alive? In limbo? I drove myself to learn about the history of my new race and I discovered there had been a holocaust, that the vampires were wiped from the face of the earth and that Mircea, my ‘sire’ had been one of the few to survive. I learned how important it was to be careful, to hide my new form, from the humans around me. There’s someone watching us, always. They call him the Crow, and I know he tracks my every movement and he assigns me a bounty each time I screw up.
I think he might be our version of Santa Claus. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake...
Regardless, our race is currently so small in its numbers that vampires cannot risk exposing themselves. I never noticed vampires in Harper Rock before, but now it seems that the city is teeming with them. Does this mean they’ve been here all this time?
I’ve been told that I have to stay in Harper Rock because if I die, it’ll be easier to come back. Some people have come back in as little as a few hours. Mircea and Habren, they didn’t die in Harper Rock, and it took them two hundred years to find their way out.
The thought of being lost that long scares me.
It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realized I have a calling as a vampire. I’m meant to hunt. I don’t know why I love it so much, or what sort of god convinced me that it’s a good idea, but I am the Diana of vampires. There is no exhilaration like leveling a weapon and taking careful aim, and that pales in comparison to the primal thrill I’ve gotten from wrestling a mountain lion with my bare hands. I’ve started to take prizes, and relish the feeling of warm blood on my body. I live in the woods sometimes, building little forts of sticks and brush to shield myself from daylight.
The moon calls me to the hunt each evening, and I am no one if I fail to respond.
Mircea told me about the moon being Mater Nox once. During the eclipse, I started to really believe in her. That she spoke to me, the mother of the vampires, and that she calls me to the hunt each night because she wants me to train myself to my true purpose. I see the skills blossom even now as I hunt bounties with my family, and seek those who have done harm to the Grigori. The mother has a path for me. I believe in her now.
I suppose the only thing I’m missing is a lover. Not that I’ve ever had much luck in the area before, but I’m blossoming into something so much more than I’ve ever been. And I come home from hunting, I lay in my bed and I read these novels. These ideals of vampire life do nothing to compare to what this world really is, and I wish I could write of my experiences and become a best-selling author to the truth, but the truth isn’t what the humans want to hear. Even knowing what I read is no reality, I wish, somewhere deep in my soul that it was. That a male would smell me in the forest and he would long for me, and we wouldn’t have to marry or date, or pledge some sort of fealty. We would just know, and we would live as if we’d always known that one soul belongs to the other and no vows could change such a natural, physical destiny.
Maybe I just need to get laid, too. I could use a good *******.
I saw a boy in the woods, and I almost felt that way. He was really cute. I tried to steal from him and get his attention, and it worked, almost. I asked him out, kind of. He never showed. I suppose I should review the other options I have. I don’t think he’s the one.
But there is someone else, maybe? No, probably not. I can’t look at every male of my species as a potential partner. That’s just silly. When it happens, I’ll know.
Won’t I?
This has gotten way too long. I’ll write more tomorrow night.
-Elle
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Re: MacJournal: Ellis Becker [Administrator]
Posted: 21 Dec 2011, 19:26
by Ellis
Journal: Vamp Life
December 21, 2011
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I hunted all night. It hasn’t stopped the itching in my bones. My muscles burn and stretch taut and I have run over the hunting grounds for nearly 12 hours. It wasn’t a productive evening.
I was so distracted and frustrated that the animals took me off guard so many times. They attacked me and I was forced to run. They escaped and ran from me. Other hunters infiltrated my territory and stole my kills. I had scrapes and bruising and my skins were torn. At the end of the night, I built a fort of sticks and crawled underneath, nearly naked and weak and covered in blood. Though exhausted, it hadn’t stopped the itching. It hadn’t stopped the urges.
I’m only telling you this, old friend, because I feel like you need to know me now. When the sun rose, I teleported home to you, and this is where we are. Safe and isolated from the sun, missing the Mother, and itching for more hunt, this is where we are now.
Since we spoke last morning, I decided to try and put all thoughts of love from my mind. I know why it’s so prevalent in my brain. Phoenix is engaged. The woman that my sire had mistaken me for has found love, despite being somehow described as more difficult, wilder than me. Since I saw the ring on her finger I believed that she had the love story I’ve read in my books, and I want it too. If I look like her, if we act similarly, if we’re of the same blood... don’t I get that too?
Now that I’ve satiated myself in the hunt, my rational mind has stepped in and reminded me that Phoenix and I are not the same. We are two different women who happen to share some similar attributes. That she would find love before me, because she’s been a vampire longer than me, is nowhere near unfathomable. I need to be patient. I need to find the one for me. Old friend, what I do not need is to look for it. When it happens, I’ll know. For now the mother wishes me immersed in the hunt and I have no greater love of anything than that.
This is what I’ll tell myself, anyway.
Hunting doesn’t stop the longing, or take away the strain of my muscles, the tense anticipation of my body, or the wild thoughts that occupy my mind.
Maybe it will. Today, I’m restless, angry at those who stole my kills, angry at myself for not being skilled enough to take the beasts down. I need to practice harder, train more, run faster, and be stronger. Perhaps tonight I will go for a run. A few miles wouldn’t hurt. Maybe more. Underneath the mother moon I can soak up her serenity and maybe it will ease my bones.
The sun is high, old friend. I think I’ll read my books until I sleep.
-Elle
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Re: MacJournal: Ellis Becker [Administrator]
Posted: 25 Dec 2011, 07:00
by Ellis
Journal: Vamp Life
December 24, 2011
Password Protected Document
I’m sorry I haven’t written for a few days, old friend. I haven’t been disloyal, simply distracted with the trials and tribulations of vampire life.
I lied. I went home and watched my family celebrate Christmas without me. Though I could see the ache in their eyes at my absence, they were happy, jovial, and grateful for the company of their living children. Without me, they were able to celebrate as a family; two doting parents showering their children with toys and gifts without worrying about the fully-grown outcast. I saw my parents wrapping my siblings’ gifts one night; I saw the tree decorated with all of the ornaments of my childhood, without me to place them upon the highest branches. I saw life move one without me, and I didn’t like it one bit.
I came home, and I showered my ‘loved’ ones with gifts. I gave Habren a ring from 1610 of the fede clasped hands—antique and classic like her, the fede is a traditional token of friendship and trust. Nix I awarded with a Harlequin romance Christmas novel, because of her addiction to them and the fact that she currently lives a romance that I can only long for. Mircea, I found at the gift shop an ancient tome in a language I can’t read. Not sure what he likes beyond Habren and sex, I sent him that. I figured he’d enjoy translating it for his own pleasures. And Kole, despite that I pick on him something awful, I sent a steampunk limited edition Gameboy, since he accused me of trying to ruin his with my rough ways. I figured he could have something special, just in case I ever stole his machine again.
I sent something to that boy, too. Ciro. I sent him a giant stuffed moose. And I shot it in the head. He should have known better than to stand me up, I guess. I just want him to know I’m still paying attention, and it’s his decision whether or not he ends up like the moose.
He hasn’t said anything, but he was in my apartment last night. He took over my cot like he owned the place. I should have confronted him, but he was naked, and it was late, and I’d gone hunting. The animals kicked my *** last night. I saw him and the old Elle crept in and I froze. I just... froze. I turned around and walked out of my own home and slept n the snow and the wildnerness instead of confronting the naked Italian who’d stood me up and was now laying in my bed.
I am an idiot, old friend.
Merry Christmas to you, old friend. In my youth your pages were willed with overjoyed rants of my Christmas haul. In my adulthood your pages told of Christmas tales of family woe. Now, your pages see a Christmas of new territory... longing for a life I had once been bored of and knowledge that I may never return to Christmases of old. The Grigori talked of having a Christmas party, but I haven’t even spoken to any of my kin today. Maybe tomorrow... otherwise I’ll just spend the holiday alone, as if it were any other day.
Time to go to sleep. Santa didn’t come during the night, maybe it’s different for vampires.
- E
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Re: MacJournal: Ellis Becker [Administrator]
Posted: 04 Jan 2012, 06:49
by Ellis
Journal: Vamp Life
January 3rd, 2012
Password Protected Document
Old Elle is back.
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Re: MacJournal: Ellis Becker [Administrator]
Posted: 04 Jan 2012, 22:06
by Ellis
Journal: Vamp Life
January 4th, 2012
Password Protected Document
If he wants me, he can work for me. Family first.
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Journal: Vamp Life
January 4th 2012 (Entry 2)
Password Protected Document
**** human constraints. I'm going to be free. When someone loves me, I'll know it, and we will be each other's.
Until then, I just need to learn more about being a vampire. I'm not a human anymore. I'm not confined to their beliefs.
I'll write more soon, old friend. I know you must be curious as to my cryptic messages. The four of us are off for the hunt.
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Re: MacJournal: Ellis Becker [Administrator]
Posted: 11 Jan 2012, 21:08
by Ellis
Journal: Vamp Life
January 11, 2012
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I promised to tell you so many things, old friend, that I feel like I should share something with you. It’s been quite some time since we’ve spoken, and I feel like much has happened.
Ciro... was not a good man. I was thrilled at first to have a lover and to share our days in bed together, but I discovered many things about him that I wish I wouldn’t have. I knew, from our first conversations with Decklyn on CrowNet that he had been a prostitute, but I had no clue how far his promiscuity trickled. During a game of truth or dare, things had gone too far, and I got scared, and I called him. I asked him to come meet me, so I could assess our ‘relationship’. And I was told not to be with another man. So I didn’t. I went back to House Grigori and I refrained from the lovemaking within my lineage.
I did not know that on that very night, he was taking our sweet Kainai on a date.
I learned that he had been dallying with our Kole, that he had other lovers with whom he was now fighting and being attacked. I made the executive decision that it was not the sort of relationship I wanted.
I made the executive decision that any sort of relationship was not the one I wanted. Instead, I chose to learn what it was to love my bloodline with body and soul, and I indulged in carnal pleasures with those of House Grigori, whom I know I could trust and love with commitment. Well, only one member, but... I indulged. And I love it.
I find myself questioning my choice to sequester myself to loving members of the Grigori bloodline now, I fear. Our Phoenix is plotting to hook me up with a new friend. She set us up on a date, of sorts, last night, and I cannot remember feeling such safety and comfort outside of the arms of my lineage. We did nothing sexual- we talked, and walked under the moon, and went back to his home and watched a scary movie, and talked some more. I was allowed to slumber next to him without pressure of performing sexually for a man I barely knew. And I awoke, albeit by myself, happy. I’d overslept, catching up on the minutes I’d been missing the past few nights.
I hate Nix for being so manipulative, but I may have reason to thank her in the future. We’ll see. I’m still very attached to my lover within the Grigori.
That’s what’s been going on lately with my heart, but I’ve been participating in bounty hunts more and more often and I find it exhilarating. Arousing, even. I don’t know that I have such a strong protecting of the masquerade as my elders, because I never experienced the horrors of the Holocaust, but I always uphold the secrecy required to survive. I have only been caught once or twice, and always have explained it away without much trouble. Maybe I’m paranoid, because I’ve grown up here and I fear that drawing attention to myself will cause my family to look in the one place they’ve failed to delve into, but I can’t afford mistakes. And I hold others to the same standard.
But, really, I hunt because of the joy of it. I don’t take much happiness out of killing others of my kind, or anything, but the actual hunt? The process of it, the immediacy, and ultimately the rush of the kill, no matter the person... I don’t discriminate. The joy is the same no matter what.
I think next entry I’ll tell you of how Mircea turned me. I’ve been recalling bits and pieces more and more, and I think it’d be good to document the night in case my mind ages while my body stays young. Just in case I get Alzheimer’s or something, maybe I should write it down. Next time, old friend.
I’m going to look for dresses for Nix’s wedding. Thanks to her plotting, he’s my date now, and I might actually want to look beautiful. Scary.
- E
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Re: MacJournal: Ellis Becker [Administrator]
Posted: 15 Jan 2012, 23:28
by Ellis
Journal: Vamp Life
January 15, 2012
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I feel stronger today. Like my magic is more localized. It's such a buzz, such a rush... and suddenly my weapon feels even better in my hand. I have no idea what happened, but I love it. It's like sex, blood, and power mixed up inside my body and made me even more of a BAMF than I already was. I feel so much more powerful, so much more direct... I love it. I absolutely love it.
He didn't come to the wedding, old friend. Something came up, but it's okay. I'm going to call in a few days and see if he wants to have a do-over date. Maybe ice skating or dancing or something. Just to hang out. It's nice to have a friend with no pressure. I don't feel like I need to have sex with someone just to make them care about me, and he's not judging me on how close I am to my family and how little I know about being a vampire. I feel like he thinks it's funny when I say the wrong thing, but maybe that's because I have so little experience saying anything at all.
I'm a summoner now. I haven't learned any of the power but I can feel it growing every day. I know I'm getting close to making a breakthrough. I love magic so much. It's a tingle, and then a rush, and it's like an orgasm every time I let the power loose. I know I sound stupid for phrasing it that way, but you're my friend, and no one will read this but you, so heck. I might as well be honest.
Weird things have been happening. Like today, I'm locked out of his neighborhood. Maybe someone's jealous that I've been visiting, but nobody knows we've been hanging out. It shouldn't matter anyway. We're just friends. I'm not out to take him from anyone. Mostly I just like the company and the conversation and the sense of belonging I get when I can be myself around someone. I feel protective of him because he's real to me. Does that make sense? But I'm certainly not crazy. We have no relationship, and I'm not pushing myself on him, and I'm certainly not stalking him and trying to be his girlfriend. I'll leave that to the other girls. I'm just being me. If I need sexual release, I have an outlet. What I need right now is that emotional support, and he does a really good job at giving that to me. Why is the world trying to keep me from that? I can't break through the thresh-hold, but if I found out who's done it, I promise they'll never have a safe place to go either. You don't take mine away from me and then live to see yours again.
I've been avoiding talking about it, but I killed someone today. My very first penpal, Leroy. I don't think I ever mentioned him, but we were supposed to hang out, learn about the Order and Mater Nox together, meet for coffee, and be friends too. We fell out of contact for a while, but I saw him today. He was so beat up. His bounty had jumped sky-high and he just wanted release of the pain, and he asked me to give it to him.... my heart felt like it was breaking. I just wanted him to be at peace. I know the mother would have wanted it too. So I shot him through the chest, and he burst into ash.
I cried, old friend. I cried a lot.
I've never killed anyone I knew or liked before.
That's all for now. I'm waiting outside seeing if maybe I can get in somehow and drop a note off about a do-over date. In the meantime, I'm stalking around my grounds. Might as well take out some of this emotion on the animals.
- E
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Re: MacJournal: Ellis Becker [Administrator]
Posted: 11 Mar 2012, 21:01
by Ellis
Journal: Vamp Life
March 11, 2012
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I think I might be in deep trouble, old friend. Not in a way that I’ve handled before, either. I’ve now died twice; the first, I woke up in the comfort of a family home, though Mircea took some time before he acknowledged me. The second, I awoke in hell. I suppose I’ve taken far too long to discuss what happened to me in the Shadow Realm. Perhaps to explain to you what happened there would make you aware of why I’m so far in over my head now.
When I woke up, it was black. I had no sense of smell, taste, and touch... I couldn’t feel the ground under my feet though my mind held the perception of walking. I wandered aimlessly for a week, with no direction or thought, but one thing, one person kept plaguing me.
I would see Kole everywhere I went.
I suppose that’s not something I can verify. I can’t say for certain that I went anywhere. I suppose it’s possible that I walked and walked, with no concept of actually moving, and I stayed in the same place for the entire week. I suppose I could have also walked a hundred miles and worn my feet to the bone, but I didn’t have feet. I had no body, no sense of self. I was, for all intents and purposes, without life, without form, and without function, plagued by the man who was supposed to be my best friend tormenting me with his livelihood and his spirit and soul... all things I had lost in the blink of an eye at the briefest moment of weakness.
When I returned, I was no longer myself. I inhabited the body of a young girl, nineteen, Italian in origin with hair as ebon as coal and short, silky... her skin was olive and nothing like mine, and she was smaller in stature, somehow more and less womanly at the same time. She was less of a fighter, and her strength was appallingly low. I hated her, and yet I mourned her because I snuffed her from the face of the earth without a choice in the matter. It was her or I. I hated Kole, I hated my family, I hated everyone because they lived and I died and I could not come to grips with the failure I had experienced to simply be. I lashed out inappropriately at those I love and they, in turn, hated me.
The one person who understood me completely was gone and I was lost and without pieces of my soul that had been gripped in Shadow and still have yet to return to me.
Somehow, I coped with it. I released my anger at those I loved and I accepted the body I had, begrudgingly, until soon I felt like myself again. If I don’t look in the mirror, I see myself as I was, with fiery red hair and the body of a huntress, and my green eyes instead of the electric blue of the girl whose life I stole. Her reflection is the only reminder of that which I had no choice but to do. I wonder sometimes if bits of her soul have filled in the voids where mine was lost to the Shadows. I try not to think about it, old friend. It’s positively macabre.
I triumphed over the turning, and though I struggle with my death daily I have overcome it on the most basic of levels in a way that I can at least function and return to myself and wallow in the things that I love once more. I hunt daily. I’m not satisfied unless I return with two hundred pounds of skins. At home, I read, and I write, and I’ve started to mix music again. It’s a lot less like being a disc jockey and a lot more creative, but I’ve muddled old Elle and new Elle in a bowl and returned with someone I rather like.
And he returned. For me, not for me, he returned and he’s mine. Officially, I think. He called me his girlfriend last night and I had to keep myself from squealing like a thirteen-year-old and doing a little dance. I suppose this is where I’m in over my head.
My relationships have up until now consisted of one night stands and a large portion of not giving a **** about the welfare of the man, as more than often enough I was drunk and I could guarantee he didn’t give a **** about mine. I looked out for myself, and I knew without question that no one else was looking out for me. So where do I go, from that to this, with all the life changes I’ve gone through in the last six months, to genuinely becoming invested in the well-being of a man I barely know? I find myself thinking of him constantly, to the point that while I’m walking around Harper Rock and desperately avoiding my parents’ neighborhood my thoughts turn to him as a sort of anchor to this new life and I wind up wandering into shops and coming out with gifts—stupid gifts, that make absolutely no sense at all, just to make him smile.
Every time I make him smile it breaks a chunk of my soul out of the ether.
Old friend, he’s strong. He’s as formidable as my sire but where I was first afraid of Mircea and questioned his intentions, this man, he swallows me whole and I am cradled by his wake in some sort of warm, bubbly... I don’t even know the word for it. It’s as if he’s foundation for me to continue to build myself upon and grow into the vampire I hope to be someday. His strength doesn’t scare me; it encourages me. I admire him so much because he’s not only found something he’s very good at and is so secure in, but he continues to actively seek business ventures and grow within the community of Harper Rock.
I wonder whom he was before that he’s able to do that.
It’s more than that, though. Our conversations are enlightening, encouraging, and intimidating. He challenges me. I am so in love with that challenge. It shouldn’t be easy. It should never be simple. I should always have a hurdle to jump, and with him I am always soaring higher than I mean to.
So where am I over my head, old friend? I mean, as you can see, I’m pretty comfortable with how I feel. It doesn’t bother me, this period of infatuation or being enamored with him. It’s the natural course of a relationship to have a honeymoon period where I am both flustered and twitterpated and adoring of my male. I am proud that he even looks at me. Had I the opportunity I would rub it into the face of every jealous female who looks at me and him and wonders “Why her?” and who assaults my personality, my looks, my intelligence because I have something they long for and instead of idolizing me for accepting the best life has given me, they resort to envy—I would. I would, with every fibre of my being, flaunt that someone so extraordinary has chosen me, and because of him I have discovered that I myself am extraordinary too.
Last night I discovered how much I love giving into my instinct. I don’t know if vampires are animal, human, or hybrid, but I know that since I have been turned, I have had these savage, nearly barbaric and base impulses. My intuition is higher, and if I were to simply remove myself from the human tendency to refer to one’s brain stem before acting, I would be a force to be reckoned with.
He showed me the beauty of reverting to the beast. That not thinking can be alluring, sinful, exquisite and pulchritudinous. That’s where I’m in over my head. I don’t know if I should feel so much like myself when I indulge in this. It seems like everything I’ve ever read about it is wrong, and yet, in the pit of my stomach I know that it’s who I am. It’s just another thing about myself that he helped me to discover.
I’m afraid that we could both be evil for it. What’s worse... I’m afraid I don’t care whether I’m good or evil anymore.
- E
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Re: MacJournal: Ellis Becker [Administrator]
Posted: 12 Mar 2012, 14:18
by Ellis
Journal: Vamp Life
March 12, 2012
Password Protected Document
What a sexy ******* man.
Though... he should have waited for me to help hunt her. I'm always asleep when the fun **** goes down.
- E
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Re: MacJournal: Ellis Becker [Administrator]
Posted: 29 Mar 2012, 08:13
by Ellis
Journal: Vamp Life
March 29, 2012
Password Protected Document
I miss you already.
I love you. I wish I'd told you.
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