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What things a day can behold, she thought as she pulled herself into the comfort of her bed. Her bed, just hers. None to share it with and none to perceive as harmful to her being. This place was her last sanctuary. The last place in the city where she could be herself, only herself, and not have to worry about the other things going on outside the walls. This was a strange concept for Leiren, truly. To feel safe nowhere except in her bed, the feelings of paranoia and despair following her no matter where she was. In truth Leir wanted to spend the night with someone, she hated being alone more then anything, but to be alone was to be decently safe and in the end there was nothing more she could perceive or accept then safety.

It was what Amaranthia and Tristan wanted for her, to be safe. Neither could really understand how desperate and depressed those lonely nights made her feel. It was why she allowed Asher sanctuary within her private place. Why she had given Raina and Amaranthia keys and locked everyone else out. She didn’t know who she could trust, but Raina had never given her reasons of doubt and she could never think to not trust Amara. Asher, however, was allowed to come and leave mostly, in the beginning, for his powers. Leiren didn’t really understand why she let him continue to visit her. Besides the fact she didn’t want to be in the place by herself. Cemeteries always freaked her out and to be staying in one, as a last line of defense, was not something she enjoyed.

Mircea had caused this. She couldn’t even go home to her childer, her family, to Azariel. All because she couldn’t walk into that Apartment anymore. All because she couldn’t think to stand to be in those walls when he could show up at any moment and kill her. He was a sick ******** whom needed to die. If only for her to feel safe again.

Desperation didn’t work well for Leiren. Mixed with her tendencies towards insanity and the scopes of dreams she couldn’t understand, it drove her mind to ends she couldn’t have fathomed before. It caused her anguish she couldn’t share, to tell lies as if they were truths and think absolutely nothing of it. Maybe she couldn’t blame that all on Mircea, though. It was Nick who placed doubts in her mind. Planted the seeds and watched them grow even as she clung to herself to hang on for the ride. Still, even now she couldn’t completely get the thoughts of him from her mind and the words he spoke. Asher was not to be trusted. No one, no allurist, was to be trusted with her, save for him. A plea, she figured, of a desperate man, but that didn’t negate the fact she believed him, if only enough that even when Asher had promised her he’d do her no harm Leiren couldn’t keep from thinking one night, late when she slept, the male would come upon her in his sleep and rip her heart or head from her body and parade it through the streets.

Yes. There was always doubt.

So then the logical answer would be trust, but who could she trust? Amara, Tristan? Possibly Hariasa, the woman had never done her wrong. Then there was Oria, but Oria wasn’t to be trusted. Oria was to be fed to the wolves and slaughtered like the first spring lamb. Though the thoughts of typical anger that surrounded her didn’t happen with Oria, why? She didn’t know. It prolly had something to do with Tristan worming his way into her heart until he couldn’t be removed by gunfire or death. Of course, maybe that didn’t matter either. Maybe it was meant to be and she wasn’t allowed to have an opinion on the male that ended with his death, because he’d already died. He died because he was Amaranthia’s and she herself had lived only because of Azariel.

Azariel.

Such a name did stir such emotion and pain in her. Such wants of love and yet, that love was misunderstood by even the man himself, she was sure. The times of his hatred grew into something more, turning their passions into that of something else. Changing her vision of him from that of a monster to that of an angel. Her angel. A protector. He shot her and it was as if her dreams had been shattered. Her love for him not lost, but changed. As if in deep sorrow over the loss of someone still in your presence. As if you knew that no matter what came next there would be little to no help and even less knowledgeable understanding. To Leir, she felt like the man she’d grown to care for so much had decided he was done with her. That her heart breaking into a million pieces was nothing to him. And she’d wept those thick tears of sorrow for nights, so lost in her own mind she did not think she would come back.

It had been only for her responsibilities she’d done anything at all. And now, even now, she couldn’t hope to see past the fact he’d caused her so much harm and justified it to the likes of Mircea and Habren. As if in their honor. In their name. There was no love besides that she felt for Amara that could have stopped the pain she’d felt from that. And so she’d turned to the man she had grown to care for, the man she considered her first love outside of Amaranthia. Because Nick had always been there to tempt her with his powers and coddle her with his lies and deceits she believed as truths.

Nick Bowstrong could take her into his world and wrap her mind around thing he wanted without even trying. Leiren never saw it then, couldn’t fathom it then, as anything but his own love touching her. His obvious need and desires for her made so much sense then, in those moments, and the way he cared for her was what she craved. He could have been transplanted from a storybook and into her life and she simply believe it could be that way. He gave her ways to be near him, gave her thoughts she didn’t have before, and twisted her mind to see things his way and that even the simplest of things could be thought as not ‘against the rules’. Nick might as well be her own personal devil in disguise and it wasn’t until much later she could even see past things. In fact, it’d taken her a trip to the shadows with nothing but darkness and time to think about things that she’d realized it. Of course it was cheating, of course it was dishonest. Of course it was bad for her. She’d stopped writing in her journals. Stopped telling Amaranthia, Tristan, and Azariel anything at all. Confiding in only Asia and Amy and even then only enough to get her by to keep those moments of sanity.

It should have been a warning sign when he’d re-programed her mind to not even trust speech with Amara. Should have, but Leiren didn’t even consider it. Which only added to just how stupid she felt now. She’d never trust Nick again. He fucked with her head far to much for her to even want to talk to him. Not that he wanted to since she turned him down to be his kid, though she really figured that had more to do with the night she’d met him the male just back from his death, when he’d asked her to stay with him and she’d chosen to leave him in his harmed state and mental grievances for the warmth and comfort of Asher.

God had sent her this male upon the death of Nick to comfort her the best way she could understand. Wrapping herself in his powers and reveling in the feel of being drugged up so far she couldn’t think of anything else. The night they had gone to the meeting together was the first of many Leiren spent so fucked up on Asher’s power she could hardly remember anything else. In fact the feel of him, his power, trickling through her to taunt and tease through simple inspiration was shockingly effective. It wasn’t that sick feeling she got when Silver used his powers upon her, nor was it the uninhibited lust and desire when Amaranthia touched her. It was different, subtle, and yet when his powers of seduction took over her body and swept through her mind and soul it was as if he’d opened a flood gate and she’d been standing at the bottom. A feeling of overwhelming power that took her to heights and flickered through her for days after. It had given her withdrawals to not be around him, even for the shortest periods of time.

The day with Reyna in the Necropolis was one of the worst. It hit a cord with her that she’d felt like **** even with a woman she truly cared for next to her. Talking to her. Wanting her attentions even though Leir couldn’t think of anything but Asher. Where he was, what he was doing. It was too much even then but she didn’t bother to listen to herself. That would have been a smart decision and Leiren wasn’t ready to give it up. The feeling of happiness it gave her to completely forget about everything else around her wasn’t measurable. It was stupid to spend so much time with the male, sure, but only because she hadn’t even begun to prepare herself for the backlash of what Azariel might think if he knew. She’d run away with Asher to their secret place and not given even a second thought to how Ariel would feel or take it.

There wasn’t really regret for this action so much as she couldn’t believe it didn’t occur to her. Though the man had been so cruel to her, which she’d been forgetting about pretty easily with Asher around, it didn’t change the fact she cared for him and knew that somewhere within himself was the man she adored. Azariel wasn’t always a heartless monster, he couldn’t be. She’d spent nights playing Tag with him, watching him, playing her kisses over his lips and holding his close to her when she’d lost everything that mattered to her. How they had come so far she didn’t understand and adding the issues of Asher ‘hitting on her’ on CrowNet to the mix along with the fact Asher had indeed sent her home that night to Azariel, while so blitzed out of her mind on his power she couldn’t think about anything besides the other male, well. It was amazing they had gotten anywhere after that. It was amazing the two of them could forgive each other for their stupid foolishness. Though Leiren wasn’t sure she’d really forgiven him, so much as it seemed to hurt to much less when fucked up and Azariel didn’t seem to think her a horrible person for spending time not in his presence but instead that of another male. Even though she could clearly remember crying on her floor begging him to stay, begging him to not leave her, even though she herself couldn’t think about anything but getting back to Asher.

With clue it seemed Azariel had forgiven her. Telling her he would be there for her when she returned and of course Leiren hoped that maybe with some luck things would go back to normal. Asher had sent her a message in the Shadow Realm through a telepath, however, and said he too would be waiting for her when she returned. The only problem was Leiren was gone for about two days and when she came back to the realm to the living not only were neither of them anywhere to be found, but the darkness in her heart seemed to be worse now then before.

Which all lead to her being in her bed, alone, wishing someone, anyone, was around for her to talk to instead of staring at the black ceiling and black and blue floors praying for a miracle. Praying for someone to save her from herself. But nothing would come. So many had been upset with Asher and Azariel that Leiren was all but reserving herself to the realization that neither of them would be coming for her. And when left to her own devices Leiren was typically not one to make the best decisions and was hardly ever in the right mind set. Which then brought her into the dream-walking state she didn’t understand completely. Most would have called her a sleep-walker, but Leiren wasn’t sleeping. She was simply lost in her mind, a day dreamer she would have called it. Which then classified her as a dream-walker, in her own mind. And well, really what Leiren had in her own mind was far greater to her then anything else in comparison to reality.

But dreams were dreams and even when she saw these ‘visions’ she knew there couldn’t be much in the way of actual truth to them, unless of course she had pierced someone’s mind and read it. Granted she didn’t think she had so that too was out of the question. Maybe she was just completely lost and there for was finally going off the deep end caused by the various men in her life. She didn’t even know who the man in her dream had been and the fact she’d wandered half the city before coming to reality scared her. She could have been killed, murdered, raped, anything. It wasn’t safe to wander the streets in a fucked up state of disrepair. There was nothing to be done now however, there was no hope for her in that regard unless she asked someone to lock her in her home, which she wasn’t entirely opposed too.

Still. Leiren knew she needed to simply forget such dreams. Such delusions. They would do her no good and it was a scary thought to have them any night she spent alone. Of course that only added to her fear of being alone, like she was now. Which was a main reason she was rolling over the thoughts in her head about all the people in her life that had done her so much wrong. But then again, if she did such a thing, she would be committing herself to the male in ways she wasn’t sure she wanted too. What with his typical demeanor that seemed to set people on edge and Leir didn’t want to die for that. So was it worth the fact she may never have to feel these feelings of loneliness, despair, depression, and insanity? Well, that was the question, now how did she answer it? And could she really trust her judgment, which had been so obviously wrong so many times before?

The blonde groaned and threw the pillow against the wall.