sticks & stones

[Avigayl (DELETED 13172)]

APRIL 10TH, 2020

H O M E

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It's hard to say either way, if I'd be singing without my grandmother. Abuela, who cooked and cleaned, and blasted Selena in the living room with a shaky sound system that worked when it wanted to. But if you knew all the words, who really needed the music clear? You heard it in your heart, and I think of that every time I sing. I think of her, and the way she used to encourage me and it still doesn't matter that she's been gone for years now, because just like she used to say the music is in my blood and deep in my heart just like my love for her always is.

I can't properly put words to the way she made me feel. Even if it's important to remember, because nothing quite gives it justice. Everything about her made me feel comforted, loved, and taken care of. My earliest memory of her is the way she would scrub me from head to toe in the bathroom, making sure to wash my scalp, and my thick long hair. She took me everywhere, even if she didn't have a car, hand-and-hand as we walked along the sidewalk towards the gas station that had a neighborhood park behind it. One apple juice for me, a water for her, and there's where we'd have our picnics until it was time to go home. To shower, to wear clean clothes for dinner that was always at the dining room table, because the house was so small it didn't have much room to eat in the livingroom that was really just a wide long hallway with two couches facing each other, and a TV stand in the corner that was hardly ever on. If there was one thing to say about her food, it would be 'perfection' and that still wouldn't live up to how she cooked. I know, everyone says that their grandparents cooked great, but it wasn't that she just cooked wonderfully it was that she cooked for all of us. It was the fact that she still always cooked, no matter that her feet were bad, or that she still worked to have a roof over our heads. It was that she embodied everything I ever knew about love.

"Food is a form of love, hija. Eat." And when I close my eyes to pray to a God[because you taught me to], that I'm not convinced exists, because he/she/they took you, abuela, I still eat three times a day because you loved me and no matter where I am, or what I do, I know that to always be true.


I miss you.

[Avigayl (DELETED 13172)]

APRIL 15TH, 2020

THE BALCONY


All of this ******** in the world just reminds me of growing up and how hard it was for us. I've had a job since I could remember, one with and without paperwork showing the Canadian government I was already trying to provide for my family. Any and every job, nothing too big, or nothing too small for me to hustle to get done. I just wanted to eat, and I just wanted electricity. It doesn't always have to be like that, I've learned now. That not everyone grew up that way. Falling asleep in Highschool because you were tired from work, and not because you were tired from playing video games or whatever the **** the other side of the world did while I worked my *** off. Canada was still not far enough from Mexico, for us to escape the problems our family faced because we were always so busy sending money there, or to the pen where my father is locked up at. I still send money to him, but that's only because I know Abuela would want that and not because I give a **** about him or his monthly letters. He could write everyday, but he never did then, and he never will now. That's just how he is, and how he's always been, but it doesn't get any easier, especially the older I get to remember he's locked up for life.

I wish I could say that it makes me feel some sort of peace that the world is going to ****, and nobody's got a job, or money, just like me and mine always grew up watching. But it doesn't, it doesn't serve the bitterness that's in my body, because just like me and mine, these are good people. And what did any of us do to deserve this?

Huh God, ...? Are you listening?

[Avigayl (DELETED 13172)]

Tiktok post:
[Video]
[Post by user:2897324685658]
[Caption: FastNFurious]
[Likes:2.1mil]
[Background song: Tokyo Drift by Teriyaki Boyz]

[The video starts with the sounds of Tokyo Drift blasting from your phone speakers. But the first thing you see is a puff of smoke foaming from the back two wheels of an all-black BMW, its hard to tell what model it is in such a small clip of video. But, you can tell one thing, the BMW is drifting, it's butt jerking to the right as the driver- Avigayl- who you can see briefly through the open widow and the wind of smoke, who's grinning, gold hoops wagging in the wind as she jerks the car around. It stops, in a hard jerk, before she's off again, going straight, in another fancy turn before she speeds off, the sound of the car's engine and the song is the last thing you hear before the clip is passed off for the next one on the For You page.]

[Avigayl (DELETED 13172)]

MAY 22 2020

THE LIVINGROOM


Life sucks then you die.


I know you never really cure depression but lately, with the lack of things to do, and the uncertainty of the world right now... I can feel it seeping into my bones the moment I pause to take a breath. Like some sort of spider with all of it's legs tight around me, and it's web is every dark thought I try to wish away. I wish the sun was enough.