Matters of the Heart [CLOSED]

[Alaric von der Marck]

ALARIC| The garden around the von der Marck estate was vast, and when not inside reading and expanding his English, Alaric was outside enjoying the fresh air, and the feel of the grass in his toes. Over the past four days he'd not done any study, nor had he left the estate. The last time he left the Estate he'd intervened where he shouldn't have; a woman stumbled out of an alleyway, her neck bleeding, her attacker running for the hills. Alaric had wanted to help, but she was woozy and out of it, and he was mistaken as the attacker. He'd been shot, the bullet cracking his skull. He'd meandered home like a drunkard and patched the wound up himself; the jagged edge of it was now hidden beneath his hair, the only indication that he was wounded at all the unearthly pallor of his skin. He'd not been able to hunt to feed.

Though the elder often tried to keep himself busy, he was an expert at sitting still, too. Moving too much gave him a splitting headache so he remained still, seated upon one of the bench seats just outside the hedge maze. He wore black pants and a belt, a white button-up t-shirt adorning his torso. His feet bare, his jacket inside somewhere. He stared up at the full moon, lost in thought – if no one knew any better, he could have been a statue. He didn’t even blink.


JUDAH| August was a warm weight against his back, his son resting his chin against his shoulder as he gave him a piggy back ride into the manor. A quick glance around told him Alaric wasn't inside, but one of the other cousins came to greet him, taking August by the hand as he jumped down. They went off to play, buying Judah some time to look around. He was dressed as casual as he got in a pair of well-fitted, smart dark denim jeans paired with polished black lace up boots and a soft jumper in a deep crimson. When he found the man on the bench he had to do a double take, he didn't look entirely real. Jude stepped lightly as he moved across the grass, finding himself sliding onto the bench seat beside him with a quiet, low sigh. The night air was fresh, and he took a deep breath, exhaling on a, "Hallo, Alaric. Wie geht's?"


ALARIC| The elder wasn't as on the ball as he normally was. On any other occasion he would have heard Judah coming -- not just by his steps but by his mere presence. Every single one of them had a mental signal, a lot like the signals that mobile phones gave off but subtler, more natural. Less invasive and sharp. As if they all had a singular scent by which Alaric could tell them apart. Tonight, he felt and heard neither, and Judah's sudden though quiet appearance at his side caused the elder to exude surprise that was rarely, if ever, seen. At least he moved, his body jumping ever so slightly. "Ich bin gut, Juda. Du?" he said. By habit he reached out, mentally, wanting to know if Judah was alone -- but it caused that headache to rise, so he stopped, eye twitching even as an easy smile found his lips.


JUDAH| Judah flicked him a mildly concerned smile, looking him over. "Ja, gut, danke... Alaric, are you ok? You don't... Don't take this the wrong way, you're a lovely, handsome man but you look... Well, you don't look good." He was paler than usual, there was a distance about him, something unfocused in his gaze that made Judah want to him a cup of tea and a blanket.


ALARIC| It wasn't in the elder's nature to ask for help if he did not deem it necessary -- there were a few times in the recent past, since his return, that he had asked for help. But before he'd died, he'd been in plenty of situations where he'd been wounded -- wounds that should have been fatal -- that he'd dealt with on his own. They would heal, eventually. It wasn't an issue. His smile broadened and he nodded. "I am fine, Juda. It is nothing to worry about. Have you been sleeping well?" he asked.


JUDAH| He wasn't terribly inclined to buy that, he of all people understood trying to wave off injury, illness or general unhappiness with a winning smile. It was easier to convince the world you were coping, to focus on their issues rather than your own. It wouldn't be entirely right to call Alaric on it, hypocritical in fact, but Jude realised the alternative was talking about himself. "I'm sleeping much better, thank you. Now, what's going on with you?" He folded one leg over the other, ankle hooking against the opposite knee, hand resting loosely on his thighs in a posture of calm openness he'd perfected over the years. "Allow me to worry about you for a minute."


ALARIC| Alaric laughed, a low sound that was not lacking in truth. It should have irritated him, this wound. It should have put him in a permanent state of crankiness, deprived of his usual mental tools. Instead, he was content. There were things he knew he wanted -- needed -- to ask Judah. But the words didn't form, couldn't weight his tongue. Not yet. "You are allowed to worry, but it is not advisable," he said, the words succinctly formed even if slowly spoken. "It was... a case of mistaken identity. I am sure I will be angry about it later," he said.


JUDAH| "Mistaken identity? So... You're hurt?" He guessed, seeing as it wasn't like vampires could get sick, though he'd heard some could have mental illness or debilitation, and of course be injured. Jude shrugged off the suggestion he shouldn't worry, it was easier said than done. "Alaric before you came along there were a handful of us who spent much of our time doing little but worry about this family, so, I can't help it. It's in my genes to worry, and to fix problems."


ALARIC| It appeared that Judah would not drop the subject, no matter how often Alaric repeated that he would be fine. So finally, he acquiesced. "I was shot," he said. He could have mentioned it was why he didn't like going into the city. He'd tried helping someone, and had been shot. It was why he had so little trust in strangers. Yes, later he would be angry about it. For now, he was content. And he didn't go into the specifics of his feelings on the matter. "It will heal. It cannot be fixed sooner than naturally intended," he said, tone remaining reassuring.


JUDAH| Judah let surprise and concern colour his expression, looking Alaric over. "Ok." He said, finally. "I'm sorry to hear that, and i'm glad you will be ok." There didn't seem to be much more to say, he was of course alarmed, but he knew the futility of fussing or stressing, giving Alaric the benefit of trusting that he would take care of himself. Then again, he'd already died twice technically. "You haven't got the best luck, have you?" He offered, giving him a lopsided smile.


ALARIC| Alaric shrugged, gaze moving back to the moon momentarily. Clouds had scudded in front of it, limned now in silver. It was truly beautiful. "If I was human I would be dead," he said, matter-of-fact. "Instead, I am sitting here with you. Looking at the moon. And it is beautiful," he added, slowly turning back to Judah. "I do not call that bad luck. I am a vampire, and it would seem that we are still not as accepted as some think. The one who pulled the trigger was trained. Perhaps..." he said with an arched brow, "... it was not mistaken identity. Only that I was vampire, was enough..." he pondered, before slowly shaking his head. "It is not bad luck. It is the way of the world."


JUDAH| Judah followed his gaze, staring at the moon with a quiet sort of wonder, the boyish curiousity of things bigger than himself that kept him searching for more. "Maybe." He said after a few moments of silent contemplation, mulling over Alaric's words, "There are people shot for the colour of their skin and awful assumptions, people shot just for being in the wrong place in the wrong time, killed. People who can't come back. Children dying of starvation, or smoke inhalation, from injuries sustained in explosions because people wage wars around them. Yeah, we're pretty lucky, but doesn't mean it isn't awful." He blinked slowly, glancing back at Alaric. "Sorry. My point is that there is discrimination all over the place, with varying levels of consequence and all we can do is try to show tolerance, to try and teach those around us with the hope that one day the message will spread... And knowing that it will never be gone entirely, that there will always be prejudice. Human to vampire, human to human."


ALARIC| Alaric heard what Judah had to say and agreed -- they were lucky. Alaric thought he was lucky to have been given a second chance -- especially knowing that death did not reunite him with his Anja, or with his children. Death was nothing. It was torture. Those who died and could not come back, they were unlucky. "So. You are saying that I should not go and seek my revenge as soon as I am properly healed," he said. His smile was as lopsided as Judah's had been, previously. There was almost a family resemblance.


JUDAH| He couldn't help but laugh as his smile was met with a similar one in return. Initially he'd planned on a stern look, to tut playfully at Alaric but instead he was grinning, grinning and laughing. As he simmered down he sighed, as if it had taken some effort to laugh like that, his hand moving to press against his abdomen. It was nice to be able to joke, to lighten the mood on such serious matters. Not that either of them dismissed them as laughable, but it made it easier to swallow the bitter pill of truth if they coated in the sweetness of laughter. "Mmm, maybe not, but if you do might I suggest a harmless prank? I can provide you some cream pies."


ALARIC| Alaric tried to imagine it, even closed his eyes to do so. He remembered the pies that Anja used to make, the way they would sit on the window sill. It had been centuries, but he remembered it as clear as if it were the day before. A frown momentarily creased his brow, but he chuckled nonetheless. "I think that will still get us shot," he said, turning once more to Judah. "On the subject of those that hunt my kind," he said -- someone had to bring it up. "I will trust that your partner will not come and kill me while I sleep...?"


JUDAH| Judah had chuckled lazily at the comment about still getting shot, the sound disappearing as Alaric's gaze fell on him again, something about it making him grow quiet. "My... What?" He blinked, suddenly skittish, shifting uncomfortable and switching the position of his legs around. "Uh, oh. You mean..." He cleared his throat, buying himself a second to relax and recover from the blush that was steadily creeping into his cheeks. "Sterling. No, no he has no plans to... Wow. Ok. Are we talking about this?"


ALARIC| There was a recent conversation Alaric had had with Elizabeth, within which he'd come to realise several things. One of which was that he did think that any of those in his family -- who lived on the estate, or nearby -- would purposefully betray him. If trouble was brought to his doorstep, he assumed that it would be by accident -- a lack of knowledge, and a lack of expectation on his behalf. Or, no -- there wasn't a lack of expectation, but an inability to put rules in place that would only manage to push them away. "Ja, Juda," he said, his voice even and calm. "Sterling. He is Paladin. You have spoken to him about this?"


JUDAH| Jude winced, tapping anxiously against his leg, visibly flustered but trying to keep his cool. "Not that I feel I should have to explain, or... Ja, Alaric." He flinched, feeling for a moment as if he was talking to his father, or his less favoured Uncle, Louvel's father. "We have talked, of course we've talked. I wasn't happy but... It makes sense. I understand why he didn't want to talk about it, it's not exactly a part of his life that he likes to focus on. He's not..." Jude sighed, "Alaric this really isn't mine to tell, it's his story and his burden to bear but.. I'll just say that he isn't actively a hunter, it wasn't his choice. Not at all."


ALARIC| Alaric sat in silence for a long while, processing. It often felt this way with Judah, as if Alaric were imposing in some manner, as if his questions were unwelcome, and his anxiety about his own safety. He'd thought a lot about how to proceed -- whether he should find himself another property, somewhere else to sleep during the day so that the youngest generation could keep the estate to themselves without having to worry about the elder. It would be easier than laying down boundaries that would make them feel like they were mistrusted. "I do not like death," he said, eventually. "I have to keep the fire burning, and hope that it does not go out while I sleep. When I sleep, I only see death, I feel death. I am afraid of the darkness," he explained. He'd never uttered this out loud before. "It is not the Paladin I fear, but where they might send me. I do not want you to think that I do not trust you, that I think you would betray me. I do not wish to push anyone out. But I am afraid," he said. He was again staring at the moon. He did not like to admit it.


JUDAH| Jude sighed, a heavy sound that hissed between his teeth, his face falling into his hands as they raised to catch it. He let it hang there, supporting by his hands, elbows on his knees while he formulated a reply. "I get that, Alaric, no one is arguing that. You asked me if we've talked about it, so I told you that yes we had." He turned his face, hands balling into fists against his cheeks, looking at the elder. "I know that you are afraid, and I know that I can't alleviate that fear. I didn't say I planned to bring him here again, or that you have to interact but... He didn't make that choice. It was forced upon him, violently, and now he has to live with it. You can't just take it back, as much as you can't be unmade a vampire. This is MY relationship and it's mine to work out, my friendship and..." He wasn't sure, he wasn't sure what it was, because he was making a point of trying not to commit to a specific label, trying to force into a box until he was sure. "I'm still getting to know him, Alaric, but I want to continue to do so. I get that it makes you uncomfortable, I do, but i'm not sure what to do about it."


ALARIC| Alaric did not understand how one could be forced to become a Paladin. He had always thought it was a matter of choice. One hated vampires enough to want to kill them, or they did not. He could not understand how a person could harbour the animosity that Sterling had without choosing to -- but he respected Judah's need to keep that story to himself. A story Alaric would never know, as he doubted he and Sterling would ever be close enough. And he could tell that the younger man was getting frustrated -- their conversations often ended up this way, the elder struggling with decisions he could not make, letting go of expectations he could not expect. Judah was free to live his own life, and could do so without Alaric affecting it. "It is okay," he said. The headache had increased, and the weight of the conversation was too much. "I will not hit him with cream pie," he said, maintaining seriousness.

[Judah Marck]

JUDAH| Jude raised his brows, giving him the half-smile of recognition the comment deserved. "I'm trying, Alaric... I know that you are afraid, it's why i'm not going to force him on you, but I need you to understand that I deserve a chance to sort this out for myself. He should have told me, yes, but I wasn't exactly forthcoming about things either. We are still working it out, and figuring out where it goes from here. I like him, and he likes me. He helped me through something very difficult, as did you, and yes I did not come to you but that's because I wanted to manage it myself. I don't feel like... I'm not the one who always needs to run to you. I'm not looking for a father figure, for someone to replace my grandfather. I respect that this is your home, that we are your family and I won't bring perceived harm to them. Sterling isn't a hunter, he doesn't hunt vampires. He was branded and forced, initiated into a society he didn't want to be involved in most likely out of spite, out of spite over him being involved with a vampire and them trying to get someone on the inside. To destroy those vampires... He didn't want that, he loved the vampire, the person... I think he sounds like a total, well, jackass! I-If i'm being honest." Jude blushed again, stuttering over the insult.


ALARIC| "You want to be independent," Alaric nodded. He understood. He'd understood all along, but he'd wanted to make sure that Judah was aware and understood the other side of the coin, too. Alaric's reactions to both Hannah and Sterling had appeared to upset Judah, and the elder wasn't entirely sure Judah could step out of his own hurt to understand the reasons why. However, he said he understood and Alaric believed him, though it grieved him because it meant there would be distance. They had already had that conversation, and Alaric would not rehash. "I understand that you feel displaced because I am here, and I too feel displaced. Much has changed, I am not needed as much as I once was. It is what I had hoped for, the self-sufficiency of the family, and it has succeeded," he said, gesturing to the estate around them. "There is an adjustment period. But I am learning," he said. "You are free to live your life the way you want. I have never said otherwise," Alaric explained. "It sounds as if you are jealous of Sterling's past love. You care for him greatly."


JUDAH| Jude straightened somewhat out of the slumped posture he'd adopted, head cocked to the side lik3 a curious puppy as he listened to Alaric, watched him with a level of caution. It was a tightrope act sometimes, where they could talk for hours about subjects of study, about family members long gone and distant to them, when it came to personal matters they entered a strange dance, both of them all elbows and knees trying to work out the steps so that they could move together seamlessly. It wasn't going to happen immediately, and it hadn't even been that long in the grand scheme of things, but moments like this he wasn't sure whether they helped or hinder. Hurdles were made to be jumped over, and Judah felt like they just kept stumbling and shoving them aside instead. The comment about Sterling's ex caught him off guard. "No... No it's not that. I'm not jealous of him." Jude shifted a bit, a hand rubbing at his pink cheek, annoyed at the lingering warmth of embarrassment. "I don't think he was a good dude, and even if I wasn't... I don't think he could have been good for Sterling, based on the outcome. Yes, I care. I care enough. I'm a caring guy." He smiled awkwardly.


ALARIC| Alaric merely nodded. Judah had said that it was not his business, and so Alaric did not ask the questions. It mattered not to Alaric what Sterling’s past love life had been like. Alaric’s only concern was the safety of his own family. His line of questioning only pertained to their future safety. A continued relationship with a Paladin whom Judah would not bring to the estate, whom he would keep separate from Alaric -- and for good reason -- only spoke to Alaric of a continued distance. If the relationship were to grow into something more serious… “I am happy for you,” he said with a smile that belied his true feelings. Though he was happy for Judah, though that was not a lie, Alaric could not deny that he had enjoyed the time spent with Judah. Now was not the time to assume he would see less of Judah as time crept on. Assumptions were for the imbalanced. Alaric would have to wait and see how it all unfolded. “You are caring, Judah. I wish the best for you.”


JUDAH| He winced softly, looking at Alaric with a trace of sadness, his hand lifting as if he might reach out to him, pausing and hovering near the man’s shoulder. Jude let it drop, though he was a fairly tactile person he suddenly second guessed the encouraging pat of the shoulder blade he’d planned on, worried it might startle Alaric. “Are you, Alaric? Happy for me? I mean… Goodness.” He let out a deep, huffing sigh. “I’m not sure what’s going to happen, or whether anything is going to… But I want to try.” His head nodded, a firm gesture, seemingly to bolster himself as he carried on. “I’m not sure whether it’s the right thing, the best thing, but it’s something that I want to be good. I want to be happy, well, happier maybe. I’ve been afraid, Alaric, i’ve been afraid and i’ve put myself to harm because of it. I focused so much on everyone else’s problems, on righting their wrongs and bringing them peace that I forgot I could have it too. I want to be a good father, and to give my son the best examples but it’s hard to know what that is, especially when it comes to letting others into our lives. It was safer to stay among the family, to hide in my responsibilities…”

He quieted, shivering in the cooler evening air. There was a handful of moments where he wasn’t sure if he was going to speak again, whether he should. That hand lifted, this time not hesitating as he placed gently on Alaric’s shoulder. “I wish the best for all of us, always. I will always be here for my family, I will always be someone that they can turn to who will love them and help them… I think… I think that to be the best man I can for others, I need to be happy within myself. Regardless of the mistakes he’s made, or what he is… Yeah, I really like the dude and he makes me feel good. He gives me hope, I guess, and… Faith.” He said the word with a touch of surprise, as if it wasn’t what he expected to come out of his mouth but it had, and there it sat between them, one word that had lost and regained meaning for Jude a million times over in his 30 years.


ALARIC| Alaric’s head canted, considering Judah’s words. He was not sure whether it was right, or the best thing, and yet he was willing to take the chance in order to be happy. Was happiness so scarce that one might leap into something that was not right? He watched the movement of Judah’s hand, arching a brow as the touch was not initiated, as his hand dropped.

“It is… unfortunate,” Alaric added. “That your happiness hinges on a man whom you feel you cannot bring to the Estate. And it is for good reason, as I am not sure I am comfortable with him here. Whether it is something that he chose or not, his hostility was the first to rear its head. It was not something that I did, it is only what I am that inspired it. And what he is inspires the same hostility within me -- as much as I would like to tame it, it is a past fear that I must learn to overcome. If you try, and if you succeed, if it is serious and he is someone you wish to settle down with, I fear that it will divide you. I fear for a future that has not yet come to pass. But I am not your father, nor can I tell you what to do. The future may surprise us all, and it is not good to make assumptions. Your happiness is important to me, and if you are happy, it makes me happy. Faith is something that I lost long ago. It is good that it has been returned to you,” he said with a smile.


JUDAH| Judah pulled his hand away once more, drawing it back to himself like he was burned, pushing it into his back pocket as he stood. The hand that remained lifted to shove at the thick, dark hair that crowned him. “You know… For a man who can see inside the mind’s of others, sometimes you seem to miss a lot. Alaric, my happiness does not hinge on one person, that’s not even close to what I mean, dude. Happiness is a choice i’m making, it’s me choosing to put myself before others for once. Not at their expense, not intentionally, but no longer denying myself at MY expense.” He wasn’t sure if the Elder would grasp it, or if he would be willing to try. It felt like every time they were getting close to understanding, to acceptance, a brick wall would come up between them and Jude felt as if he’d slammed his face against it one too many times lately. His patience was infinite, though it stretched far and wide, and he was finding the limits of it too often in recent months.

“You’re right… About assumptions. There is a saying, in fact, that assumptions make an *** out of you and me.” Jude took in a deep breath, letting it fill his lungs, following the way it traveled through him to restore some of his fraying calm, knitting it back together. “Alaric, part of his hostility was fear and frustration, honestly i’m not sure how much better I would have handled it were I in that situation. Maybe better, maybe worse. I’m not pleased with how things went, or the fact that you two are at odds already, but that is up to me to react to.” He glanced back at the man, sitting there, wounded but in one piece, and as much sympathy and affection he felt for him he couldn’t help the quiet anger that rose from Alaric’s questioning of his choices. “You’re right… You’re not Dad, and you’re not Grandfather Gasto. I may look like your son, I may honour his name as my ancestor, but I’m not him. We are a very different family than the one you were taken from, and i’m sorry if that upsets you. I’m sorry if we disappoint you, but this is who we are and how we live, it’s how we have lived for many years and will continue to live. Alaric… I respect you, but I won’t change to have your approval. I don’t think you’d want me to, if we are being honest.”


ALARIC| The unhealed wound at the back of Alaric’s head throbbed, a headache imminent. His mood had been tame, content, but Judah’s sudden flare of anger summoned irritation. The elder was the epitome of patience, however, and did his best to remain calm under fire. He remained sitting, his eyes sharp.

“I apologise if I misunderstood, Judah. The way you speak, it sounds as if he was the cause of your happiness. Your hope, your faith. You are repeating only what I have said. I do not think that you will act upon any disapproval that I have, but if we are to have an open and honest relationship, it requires that we share our feelings, ja? My feelings on the matter upset you, but I have not lied when I say that I am very happy for you. I have not tried to stop you. I have not lectured you. I am sorry if I do not think I am deserving of your anger -- unless there is some other way that I have offended that I have not understood,” he said. It was entirely possible that he hadn’t a firm enough grip on the English language that he might have misunderstood something -- or his tone had come across the wrong way.

“I am not sure where the others have come into this conversation. Did I say that I was disappointed? I was once Patriarch, it is true. My approval was sought. It is very clear that you are all independent, that my approval is not required, nor will it matter. It is okay. I am accustomed -- I know that I am Patriarch in name, not in act. But that does not mean I have not sought company outside of the Estate -- that I do not work to still keep you all safe,” Alaric said. Disappointment had never been something that he felt. He was grateful to be alive again, happy for this second chance. Confused, sometimes, because he was not sure what his purpose was, as he was entirely unneeded. Lonely, more often than not. But never disappointed.

“I meant only to share my fears with you, Judah. I am sorry it is not what you wanted to hear. If it will make our relationship simpler, I will refrain from doing so in the future,” he said, his tone still dead calm, his gaze shifting from Judah to instead gaze out at the gardens spread out in front of him.


JUDAH| When he spoke again it was quiet, flat, his gaze focused on something further away so that he seemed as if perhaps he wasn’t entirely present. “I know that you may not intend to sound so, but sometimes, Alaric, you do sound like you’re passing judgement. I will listen to your fears, I think they are valid and I appreciate where they stem from. I’m not asking you not to share, but to be considerate perhaps of how you do it. If it’s language, then we can speak another language, then we can find other ways to communicate but I don’t think it is. I don’t think you can fall back on that explanation, it feels…” Jude shivered against the cool breeze, shaking himself as he looked back to Alaric. “Nevermind. I didn’t come here to argue, I just wanted to stop by and say hello.” Jude didn’t want to explain himself, didn’t want to feel like he had to, especially when it was clear that they couldn’t fully align here when it came to understanding the other’s point of view Not tonight, at least. He rolled his shoulders back, “Relationships aren’t simple, Alaric. They take time, effort, and they aren’t always easy. People may not always understand why we commit to them or continue working on them when they seem hard or imperfect, but it’s up to decide what’s worth it.” He steadied his gaze on the other man, some of the wounded look having slid from his warm, brown eyes, replaced by a sort of determination. “I’m going to let you rest… But i’ll be back another night. Alright?” He’d always be back, he was a von der Marck, and the energy of the place seemed to beckon, to call him back whenever he wandered too long or too far.


ALARIC| Alaric listened to Judah, his smile indecipherable. It was a small smile, and his eyes were focused on the younger man, but there was nothing in them to give away Alaric’s thoughts. How long had he lived on this earth before he had died? How many people had he known, had he learned to love and respect before watching them die? How many relationships had he had -- not the romantic kind, but friends and family? Hundreds. He knew how they worked. He didn’t need to be schooled. It was not Judah’s relationship with the Paladin that Alaric was criticising nor wary of. That it might be difficult for Judah, it might be hard but really, that was between him and the Paladin. It was the worth that Judah attributed to the relationship, the way it was juxtaposed against the relationship Judah shared with the elder. One of respect and understanding, Alaric had thought, though tonight’s conversation had illuminated otherwise. He would of course take Judah’s criticism into account when dealing with the man in future, though there was something nagging at Alaric within. He simply nodded as Judah said that he would come back another night, the silence heavy as the elder held the other’s gaze. Sharp, the smile cool. “Alright, Juda,” he said, finally turning his gaze away, returning it to the thin air it had previously been staring into. “Thank you for stopping by to say hello,” he said, his tone equally quiet and flat as Judah’s had been only moments before.