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With or Without You
Posted: 10 Mar 2016, 22:39
by Enver Marshall II
OOC: These are private letters to Keara Marshall
To my wife; my soul; my anchor:
First, I want to start out by saying...I'm sorry. Whatever I've done, whatever I've said, just whatever-I'm sorry. I know I'm far from perfect and don't always make the right-don't always make the best informed decisions, and the fact I don't know what I'm apologizing for only proves those things. But that doesn't mean I'm not sorry for whatever I've done to make things this way between us.
We have a problem. I don't know when it transpired, but it's still going on. We need to come to a resolution sooner than later, gorgeous. Because whatever this is...it's flat out killing me.
You see, the thing is...I'm crazy about you. I've been crazy about you since the night we met-even if it was unintentional and I was a bit of an ***. I can admit that. I was. I was used to people just starting fights over anything and everything and while sometimes I opened a can of worms that I started, either intentionally or unintentionally, I was expecting you to wipe the floor of the catacombs with me, just because you could. I was guarded and just waiting for it. Anyone and everyone could splatter my ashes and blood over the cracked walls in that place and no one would know or care.
Anyways, I got a little side-tracked. Look, I know I do and say a lot of stupid things, but the thing that hasn't changed, just like those things; are my feelings for you. I know you know that. But like the bad, comes the good and vice versa. While some bad habits haven't changed, neither has the one sole thing that makes us who we are; what we are when we're together-side by side. Our love for the other.
At this point, I don't know what to do. It's difficult for me to face the night not knowing what's going on in that head of yours. What you're thinking. What you want. You see, I can't pretend everything is fine when I know it's not. This isn't us. We're not happy-or maybe you are. But I'm not. Without you, I'm half the man I can be. Half the man I used to be just a couple weeks ago. But with you, like this? With us like this? It's killing me. Half the night I just sit on the couch, staring at the screen of the television, with intentions of watching a movie, but don't realize I haven't been watching it until about half way through the ending credits, or the screen returns to the scene selection part. The menu option at the beginning. Or I sit, staring at the computer, re-reading the same email over and over again, trying to process what the hell I'm reading and what I should do. You're in my mind. We are in my mind.
So you see. I can't live with or without you right now. Not happily and not as myself. I'm screwed while things are in this funk. What do you think I should do? What would you do? You're the more logical and practical of the two, but I don't think I can take another day, another hour, or another second of this between us.
You're killing me, and I know it's not intentional. But you are.
Enver
Re: With or Without You
Posted: 12 Aug 2016, 01:49
by Enver Marshall II
[Backdated to April 11, 2016]
To my wife;
It's been just over a month and things feel no different. It's my fault as much as anyone's. I don't want to lay blame, but if blame needs to be laid, lay it all on me. I'll take it so we can move on. So we can progress and get somewhere. Anywhere.
I think back to my life years ago. By now, I would be drunker than a skunk, or higher than high. Yet, I've managed to not be either of those things. I'm stronger now. Somehow, I'm surviving. Is it hope? Maybe. I don't know.
I've taken it in another direction. Busying myself with work primarily. Both here and in California. Try as I might, I just can't leave that part of me in the dust yet. Maybe that's the problem. I spread myself too thin. I can't let go of the past completely. But, if you asked me to, I would do it. I'd sell the business in Cali tomorrow and walk away from it. If that was what would fix this distance. I'd have some papers drawn up and hand it over to one of the three smaller studios that have been throwing me or my dad offers for you. I'd do it all for you.
Through all the times I've not been so level headed, I've been more grounded with you, besides you then ever before. You've brought out the best in me. You've helped me see that there's more to life than anyone else has. Let me help you. But I need a sense of direction. You know I've never been the best problem solver, but you know I sure as hell try.
I'm not nearly as proud as I once was.
Enver
Re: With or Without You
Posted: 12 Aug 2016, 02:00
by Enver Marshall II
[Backdated to May 10, 2016]
Keara;
I've spent the better part of an entire evening from my regular routine. There's a place not far from our house, swimming with those jerks. The ones that killed you. Those Crow Goons. That's when things changed, didn't it? I was an insensitive prick. I didn't say and do the right things when you died. I know that. I wasn't the person you needed me to be. Not for you, and not for anyone in the family. I never thought you would have died. I couldn't and didn't process it well. I know that now.
I'm trying to make amends. I'm going to kill as many of them as I can. Every single night. For you. For us. It's just a start, and again, probably not the thing I should be doing, but it's all I can do for now. If I stay busy with work and this, then maybe...I don't know. I didn't do enough then. I'm trying now.
I'm sorry I'm an idiot. I'm sorry I let you die. I'm sorry I don't say or do the right things. How is it I can please the masses, but can't ever get it right at home?
Enver
Re: With or Without You
Posted: 12 Nov 2016, 21:45
by Enver Marshall II
OOC Note: Backdated to July 19th
Keara;
You won't like what I have to say, but I have to do what I think and feel is right. A book is about to come out about my life. My life before I was a vampire and my life after being a vampire. We're at a place where we need to show people that vampires aren't the monsters Hollywood and a few pricks in our species are. We're your next door neighbor. Your doctor, maybe. Dentist, University professor. We're anywhere and everywhere and we've been living like they had for years now.
I plan on touring the United States for just under a month. I won't be alone. I will be with a lawyer, a personal assistant I hired for this purpose and for others later down the line, her boyfriend (I think he is. Hell, I've never talked to the guy), and my ex-wife, Lelantos. I can already imagine your frustration and jealousy over this, but I have no choice. We both know this thing I want to do isn't safe. I need someone who has my back in the aspect of keeping me safe. She's getting paid well to do it. I want it to be you, but...what I want and what I can get are two different things.
I should be back by the end of August if things go well. Please be yourself again when I get back. I don't know how much longer I can give in to this idea that we're fine and just on a break and things will return back to normal.
Enver
Re: With or Without You
Posted: 19 Nov 2016, 02:25
by Enver Marshall II
Keara;
Important, special dates have been missed. It's not your blame alone, I'm as much to blame. I can't talk to you. Something in you has changed since you were sent to that place that I've been to at least half a dozen times. Nothing is the same. I don't think anything can be the same or go back to what we once had.
I don't know what that means, but I've got to look past you and me right now. I've got an almost four year old to take care of and prove to the world I can do it. That Enver Marshall II isn't a huge, has-been failure. That a vampire an raise a child if their heart is in it. Isn't that what it's all about? Putting your heart into it?
I'd put my heart into us again if there was some sort of indication that's what you want, but more weeks go by and nothing changes. Well, that's not entirely true. Nothing changes between us, but the world around us changes. Grace gets closer to her fourth birthday. She changes her mind every five minutes on what she does or doesn't eat. What her favorite Disney movie is, and what color is her favorite.
Christmas will be here soon. I was never one for celebrating the holiday because I can't remember a Christmas I actually enjoyed or looked forward to. This year, for the first time in over three decades, the story has changed. The feeling. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed our first Christmas together, but I'm excited for her.
We're going back to California. She doesn't like it here, and I can't blame her. I don't like it here most the time.
Enver
Re: With or Without You
Posted: 16 Dec 2016, 02:00
by Enver Marshall II
Keara;
I'll never be as strong as you, I don't know how you do it. This isn't the end, but a new beginning. I can't do this anymore. By now, you're aware that things have changed-I went to aeryn. I thought we would be different, that we could pull through anything and everything. I've not given up on us; I still wear my ring. You're still legally my wife, but my soul has been weighed down for too long. Your absence damn near drives me ******* mad and I've almost gone there. Back to square one. Before we even met. You've never seen me at my absolute low-close, but not quite.
I can't go back. I can't be that guy. I'm a dad now-even if Grace isn't mine by birth or blood. Sure, we share blood, but it's not my blood. I have to be better than that guy. She's counting on me.
Enver
Re: With or Without You
Posted: 08 Jan 2017, 13:16
by Enver Marshall II
Backdated to December 30th
K,
I'm trying, but I'm failing. I know I'm failing, but I'm ******* trying. People don't ask me about you anymore. What does that mean? No one talks about you, or us anymore. It's hard trying for so long. I know I sound like a whiny *****, and I should probably grow a set...but now that I'm no longer touring and time has slowed down again, there's nothing to distract me from anything. Gracie goes to pre-school during the day and I'm left thinking on the days I don't go in the office. The days I go in to work, it doesn't even keep me busy enough. I hope this new venture keeps me busy a while. It should for about a good year.
I'm making the book into a movie. What else would I do with a production company at my disposal and millions of dollars? The book sold a lot more than the two hundred thousand copies. A hell of a lot more. The tour amplified the need to buy-everyone wants the signature of a famous person, lump in a famous dead person...last I checked the book sold almost eight million copies at twenty bucks a pop...you do the math. So, I have all this money after giving a cut of it to the publisher and what else should I do with it? Make a movie. Benny approves of the idea and he's coming from Cali to help me. He's going to co-produce it. He's not going to miss out on a chance like this, plus he's going through another divorce and this wife is sucking him dry he told me. But, they have a kid, so that's the way it goes sometimes, I guess. At least in Hollywood, it does.
I still wear my ring. I still wish you'd be back to yourself again. Snap out of it. I wish we were the way we were.
E