Path of the Vampire forum

28/02/2016

Family.

It's a word that I just cannot seem to accept. There is no such thing. It's a lie built on blood and last names. Yet, I find myself surrounded by people willing to throw it around, well, mostly Jesse. Clover, my sire seems to understand that I do not wish to form bonds, she doesn't really push. Jesse on the other hand, wanted to know me. I don't want him to know me, I don't really want anyone to know me. However, I'm sure that I closed the door on him the last time we spoke, yet it still plagues me. Why? Perhaps it is because I already have a family that took every chance to betray me and then turn away from me. Not once did they visit me after my dear brother had stabbed me. Not once.

Family is just a word, there is nothing to it, nothing. Jesse pushed and I pushed back harder. No one will truly know me, but there is one thing that Jesse had said that bothers me. He had said that Clover would never fulfil her promise me, the promise of pain. It hurt more than it should have. I didn't want Jesse to see, I didn't want anyone to see just how much that hurt. It was a broken promise that I put too much stock in and I guess that's why I refuse to think that family would ever be a word that means anything. I trusted that Clover would fulfil her promise, but it will never be. I realize this now, so I would prefer to remain alone. To avoid any more hurt, to avoid promises that will be broken.

Jesse had said that he was the head of the bloodline, but I just simply cannot care. He wanted to make sure that it grew strong, but is that his true motives? I don't know as to why he wanted to know me, but I don't want to know him. It makes staying away from the bulk of his family easier. I see Clover occasionally, but I have been keeping some distance between me and everyone. Distance is good, no one will notice me then and no one will want to 'bond.' I really cannot think clearly. Ever since my chat with Jesse, it seems like my thirst has increased and with every kill, I wish that there had been more pain involved in it for me. I am unsatisfied and I'm tempted to chase down a paladin. Tease them a little before killing them. They are bound to have weapons on them and maybe it will fill a hole that seems to be inside me.

Clover was my anchor, but I cannot rely upon her. I cannot trust that she will be there, Jesse comes first for her. She may be my sire, but Jesse didn't like the fact that she had promised pain. He was angry and I will not cause any further conflict in their relationship as I do not wish to cause Clover pain. I owe her my life, so I will stay away for a while.

13/03/2016

Trust.

I told her, I told Clover what Jesse had told me. I had tried to reach out and trust her with the knowledge that I had been holding on to. Knowledge that Jesse had apparently been withholding from Clover. She didn't believe me and deep down I knew that she wouldn't. We had met in a bar and for some reason I don't understand, she had turned me. Yet we lack trust. She obviously doesn't trust me and now I cannot trust her. I told her the truth and she threw it back into my face. There is no one that I can trust, no one.

I couldn't expect her to believe me over Jesse though. They love each other and I am just a childe of Clover, someone that she doesn't trust.

It hurt when my brother betrayed me, when he had tried to kill me. Then I tried to trust Clover, but now it seems that I cannot even trust her. I'm tired of trying to slip into the family, to attempt to be apart of it for Clover. However, I am now rethinking such a strategy. I'm tired of hurting. There was a reason why I turned to physical pain, why I chose to be alone for my human life. I lost more than my arm tonight, I lost my trust in everything and everyone. Perhaps I should revert back to when I didn't trust anyone, when I didn't bother with bonds.

If there is such a thing as a curse, I am cursed with bad luck. I am cursed to never be able to trust anyone. I am cursed to be alone.

22/05/2016

I never thought that I would ever feel alone, mostly because I was used to being alone in my human life. However, as things in my vampiric life progresses and people continue to push their way into my life, I can't help but feel alone in a crowd filled with people. Humans and vampires; Ffordes and Dragons. They all have something that I will never have, something that has been denied to me so many times. Although, even though I secretly want what they have, I know that I do not have the capacity to reach for it myself. Dragons may see me as a sister and my sire may see me as someone worth saving, even though I should have died in the alley, I still don't know why they keep wanting to be around me. I don't have the capacity to love, nor do I have the capacity to allow myself to be loved by another. It’s not possible, at least, I don’t think so.

Being alone is all I know how to be; a lone raven I am. Yet why, why did I want more when I attended the Greek party that the dragon’s held? They mingled, they reach for each other and they held. My sire has someone who loves her, Enzo, the pretty boy has someone who loves him, even though I don’t know how. Doc, even speaks of someone. I cannot, for the life of me wonder why I want more. To be something to someone. Perhaps it is because I hear the call of the shadows so strongly, to walk the path of loneliness. To slink amongst the shadows and simply fade into the background of everywhere I go. It was something that I aimed for in my human life, to beat upon others only to slip back into the shadowy corners and watch the other people mingle in their passion for love and sex.

Scattered as all of these thoughts are, I wondered if perhaps if I had known love when I was a child, sibling love, parental love; then maybe, just maybe I could have been a different person. One that was able to love and be loved in return. Maybe I wouldn’t kill so much. Maybe I wouldn’t see the humans that eye me with caution or worry. Perhaps, I wouldn’t even feel the constant insatiable thirst. Perhaps, the thirst is my way of making up for what I am not able to have. I always thought that my need for pain was to help me feel alive, but maybe my need for pain is deeper than that. Perhaps it stems from the lack of love, that pain is my only way of communicating to others through it. I’m a monster, I’ve always known this from the very beginning and monsters do not get the chance to feel love. They are destined to forever be alone and unloved.

Yet, as I walked from another gathering of people tonight, a gathering of Ffordes because Clover had asked me to come. I had noticed that one of those people felt sad from what I can only gather is a broken heart. After all, her wedding was called off. I can’t help but wonder what that kind of pain would feel like. Would it feel like that time that I lost my sire to the Shadow Realm? Perhaps, my sire will be the only one that I do love, because as each night passes, I find myself slowly pulling away from all things dragon. I barely see those within the dragon line until I return back to Azraeth’s apartment. I’m thinking of leaving the apartment, of simply going back to sleeping upon the couch in the basement of a building. Distance is what I need, because at least with distance I won’t feel alone in a crowd filled with people. I won’t even feel the want for love.

Indeed, I’m slowly turning things back to when I was human. Except instead of cage fighting, I’m killing humans. Then after I’m done, I shall slink back into the shadows. I feel lost mostly, lost in this new life. Lost in a crowd filled with people and lost in my own company. I used to enjoy being alone, my own company was all that I used to need and yet here I am writing everything down because I simply cannot enjoy being alone anymore. Some might call me a lone wolf, but a lone raven is just as lonely as a wolf without a pack. I told Nikolae once that I would visit the temple, the dragon’s temple, but as each night passes, I feel the want to visit, lessen. Mostly because if I venture too far in amongst the dragons, I will continue to feel alone. They are a family that is not my own, a family that I have never had before. They continue to pull me alone even though I fight against such a pull. Why do they care? Why does anyone care about a serial killer that feels even more alone amidst a crowd of people, than when she is mingling amongst the shadows?

Perhaps it is time for me to leave their little gatherings, to stop going to their parties even though I have been invited. To stop speaking to them and simply leave them be. Perhaps it is time for me to move on; just like a bird when the seasons change. The dragons do not need to concern themselves over me no more, I am not their kin. Just a simple bird flying amongst dragons, a bird that needs to change her direction and place distance between herself and such magnificent beasts. Once, I remember Doc telling me that he didn’t want to know me and I didn’t blame him. I still don’t. A monster belongs no-where, forever on the move and never staying in one place for too long. Now that I feel this sense of loneliness, perhaps it is time, time to move on and embrace my lonely path once more.

Crimson blood is smeared across the page as she writes. Blood that is not her own, but blood of a paladin that lost against her strength. 25/06/2016

I’m a serial killer at heart, one that will always destroy everything around her. My hands have a knack for gripping onto individuals while my fangs shred through skin, flesh and vein. Blood will always coat my tongue so long as my eternity lasts and my immortality holds just as it was promised. However, everything else outside of me will forever be shifting. Nothing will last. Bonds will always crumble as I know, people will betray me as per normal and family will never always be family. They could never accept me for who I am. No one truly does. They don’t see passed the smirk or the blood that I wear with pride. All they see, is the killer within.

But is a killer not allowed to feel emotions?

Ever since my turning, all I feel is emotions. I formed a bond with my sire, one that ensures that I would gladly die for her. In my human days, I could deny that I felt, but that was only because there was no one willing to even bother with me. Family had written me off, one even tried to kill me. Now I’m surrounded by dragons that sees me as one of their own in some way, but I will never truly be one of them. They don’t see the woman beneath the blood, they don’t see the one that wants to reach for it, but is unable to. I cannot reach, because I don’t know how to, but the question is, is there anyone that can see it? See how much that I wish for something that I am probably not even worthy of?

I am a loner by nature, one whose steps take her away from those that seek shelter amongst her broken wings. I have not been in contact with many of the Dragomirs ever since I took a path of solitude, ever since I felt it too much to see just how happy they were and felt that I could not have the same as they. I want to reach out, to take that happiness for my own, to feel just a shred of that happiness of company. However even as I linger on the edges, I just simply cannot reach it; I cannot grasp it into my hands that were meant to destroy, to kill. I want what they have, yet my cries are just not strong enough to ever truly be a dragon’s own roar. Yet why do I want to be a part of their family?

I keep asking myself, why do I even care? Why can’t I just squash these feelings like I was able to in my human life? Why can’t I just simply walk into the shadows and fade from everyone’s memory? Wouldn’t it just be easier if they simply forget about me? If they simply forgot and allowed me to fade into the shadows where I can simple be. Neither existing nor truly dead.

When I was human, I was able to fight, to feel the pain which overrode everything that needed an emotion. Pain had become my salvation from such things, but no matter how much I fight humans and paladins a like, they no longer hold the pain that I crave, the pain that I need in order to starve off the want to reach for emotions, to reach for happiness. Why should a street rat such as myself be allow to be happy? I have failed in all things and it will be a trend that will continue, of this I am sure. I am incapable of love or happiness, this it something that has been confirmed, especially if my track record ever since being turned is anything to go by.

Yet why do I feel a yearning for it? Why does it hurt so much when I cannot reach for it? Why can’t I just find the pain that I used to find comfort in? With every kill and with every body that I must dispose of, I continue to struggle internally. I guess, this is the reason that I took my path away from the other Dragomirs, because I don’t want them to see me like this. To see me want for something that I can never have. To see me long for something that is not meant to be. I have been keeping my distance as best as possible even while staying at Azraeth’s, but soon, they will catch on. Especially Azraeth, he is too smart for his own good. Perhaps I should look at getting my own place, especially when I need to get things such as emotions under wraps.

For now, I cannot let them see me fall over and over again. To see the feathers that flutter behind me as I make my descent into what I can only describe as a painful emotion that I do not want to feel. Yet nothing seems to be able to contain it. Not even my usual route of pain. I would contact my sire, yet I fear that I would be interrupting something. Everything with Clover and Jesse seems to be going along quite nicely, especially considering that I am no longer there, so I do not wish to rock that boat. Distance is key in all aspects of my life, yet I am failing, failing to maintain it. I began to fracture ever since I turned and now I fear that this fracture is deepening into a break and I doubt that it will be a clean break.

No amount of blood shed will stop the break, not even if I tried to bury these emotions in a river of blood. I’ve tried. I have tried to kill it with every human that I have killed, but it still remains. Why can I not flick a switch off? To destroy my very own emotions? I seem to be able to destroy everything else.

Perhaps I will be able to find the answer eventually. Find me a sorcerer that could possibly grant this. A thought to ponder upon while I’m ripping another throat out, I’m sure.

19/07/2016

The Shadow Realm…

What can I say about it? Truly? Even as I lay here upon this slab in an Abandoned Morgue, I can’t help but think about how silent it had been. No… Silent wouldn’t be the word that I would describe it. Peaceful? Maybe. Clover and Jesse visited me for a little bit and then I was on my own, just relaxing as I listen to the call of the shadows. Kaelyn occasionally spoke within my mind, but it was a minor nuisance. Something that I was able to easily ignore. I guess, I lost track of time down there and didn’t want to come back to the land of the living. I wanted to delve deeper into the shadows, to feel its embrace. To clear my mind and chase away any feelings that might linger. I guess, in a way, I wanted to stay. However, someone noticed my absence above ground, someone noticed that I hadn’t returned and dropped down to get me.

Jesse. He dropped down to pull me out, to bring me back to the surface. I don’t know if he even cares, or if he ever will. Most of the time, I know that he is only doing it for Clover. To make sure that her happiness is guaranteed. However, he made sure to point out that my being around her occasionally, made her happy. That’s all I want for her, is to be happy and safe. Yet if I had continued to stay within the Shadow Realm, she wouldn’t be at all that happy. Yet still it had been hard for me to leave. It felt like I was home, home amongst the shadows that dwelled within. Some said that the Shadow Realm was a nightmare, yet I found it to be the complete opposite and I did not want to leave. Who would want to leave a home like that? One where the call of the shadows wanted to pull you deeper and deeper within.

Kaelyn sent me a message, one that said that I didn’t have to be alone. She doesn’t understand and I guess she never will. My life never had purpose after my brother tried to kill me and I filled that pain with physical pain so then I wouldn’t feel the emotional one. Physical pain that helped me to get through each day, to just simply let the days pass by to a point where I don’t even notice that I felt any feelings. I had killed them off, destroyed them with physical pain and I could handle it. Now I don’t know. Physical pain doesn’t mean much anymore and I cannot brush off the emotions that I feel anymore, but the shadows had helped me to begin to seal them off. To shut it all off, but then Jesse had to come down and remind me about Clover and I felt pain. Not only that, but I felt guilty for wanting to stay where at least the shadows wanted to embrace me.

I rose to the surface; not for me and not because Jesse had come down and used my own words against me, but because it would make Clover unhappy to know that I was still down there.

Fight, drink, kill and repeat. That’s all that I ever do and I guess that’s all that people want me to do. Mostly because that’s where all my skill sets lie. To fight, no matter how I’m feeling and no matter if the physical pain is just so damn disappointing. By nature, I am a loner and the break in the Shadow Realm gave me time to be alone. So why when I reach the surface do I want to reach for things that I cannot have again? I miss the Shadow Realm, but I don’t miss people telling me and asking questions that doesn’t matter. So what if the Dragomirs didn’t visit me? I had attacked one of their own. I hardly doubt that my well-being is of any concern to them anymore. However, Jesse had made a point to point it out. I cannot rely upon anyone but myself, I know this, because eventually I disappoint and I destroy. It’s just the general pattern.

I felt some semblance of happiness within the Shadow Realm, but I have noticed that no matter what I want, someone else's happiness will always come before me.

02/11/2016

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

14/11/2017

It seems like reforming is harder than it seems. I just want to embrace the urges to simply kill and feed like before, but the words of those who cautioned me from before still resounds within my sleeping moments. Those words made me force down one alcoholic beverage after another, to will the urge away if I simply threw up. However, it seemed as if my body decided to simply grow accustom to being able to consume human drinks, so now it is more of a distraction than anything, something to turn my mind to other than the scent of human sweat, or the sound of their heartbeats thumping hard in their chests as they realize that they were staring down into the face of death itself.

Death. Which I myself embrace.

Sometimes when I killed, it felt like I was doing a higher purpose, like I was some kind of reaper, reaping those whose time had come to an end. After all, death and I seem to have a... Simple understanding now. However, ever since returning to Harper Rock. I have not killed one soul. The urge has been sinking its claws deeper and deeper into my skull, reminding me of who I really am. Sometimes, I cannot think and sinking my fangs into a human's jugular occupies my every waking thought. Then other times I get a brief respite through an occasional memory that leaks through their blood to me and I am reminded that humans are not simply cattle. That I too was once human and it disgusts me.

Being able to drink and the thought of potentially seeing a human's memory straight from their vein is what helps to curb my appetites, at least for now. However, what if the serial killer within me manages to win out and the person that I kill is a much higher up person? Someone who will be missed if they suddenly went... Missing. I need to figure something out, put a fail safe in just in case. Track and find a target that is easily accessible but won't be missed. So if that urge ever overwhelms me, then I can simply... Deal with it and buy me some time to find another target to have on ice. Perhaps I can hold out and kill once a month? Only time will tell.

Being reformed sucks, but no one needs to know that I'm reformed. I may not be able to lie, but at least I don't have to tell them either. It's not lying if I simply don't say a word about it. Not that anyone would ask, because the only person that I have come into contact with, is Clover. The rest of Fforde would probably be happy to never see me again, well screw them. I'm going to have some... Fun

It's time to stir up the waters.

09/01/2018

Monsters. Serial Killers.

Are they really so different? Not really. They lurk in the shadows and kill. Sometimes the kill is without rhyme or rhythm, like my own. The only real connection that they possess is the fact that they don't really have any connections. It makes it easy for them to just... Disappear, but what if I can use them to develop an underground group? One where I control the darkness that possesses certain individual humans. Channel that energy into something for me, place them into positions that could... Potentially clean up my own messes if it ever boiled down to it. The humans could maybe be my cover, a monster hiding within plain sight. A serial killer right under the cops noses. It's so... Beautiful that it makes me laugh at the idea itself, why had I not thought of this before?

Anyway, speaking of connections, I came back to stir the pot with the Fforde, but Doc and Azraeth have been key, even Clover. I have realised that I have missed them on some level. I have been blaming the Fforde for many things, however with me constantly poking at the Fforde, stirring them, I'm just being self destructive. So. I'm thinking that I might cut all connections with the Fforde. No point really and if my plans go ahead, I'll be rather busy. Death doesn't exactly wait for it to fit into someone's schedule. Besides, why bother? It's not like the Fforde ever truly wanted me to be apart of their family. They think that I'm just some vindictive ***** who only cares about herself, but they cannot see passed the mask that I wear. A mask that only a rare few have seen past.

He might have done things, but that was to appease Clover, to make sure that her feelings would remain intact. That her wants and needs were sated. If one thing was made certain in the early days, is that Jesse wouldn't be bothered if he threw me under a bus or sign me up to be killed. Or... Try to turn Clover against me. We were always clashing and although I wished for it, he could never understand why I just could not trust him. I can see a snake from a mile away, a snake that is a hunter lying in wait for the perfect time to strike. He kept trying to force my trust, but I just don't work that way. I don't jump when I'm told to, I like to make sure that I'm not going to get stabbed in the back.

Like I love to say. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me, because I should have learned from the first time. I won't let my trust be easily given, only to find a knife is the result. Jesse never understood that, but those who are close to me, do. Azraeth put many hours and patience into gaining my trust. Doc and I bonded through an incident in a park. Enzo and myself. Well, lets just say that he is a rather persistent being whenever he wanted to be. I tried to trust Jesse, but time and time again, he showed me why I shouldn't. Jesse made sure that I wouldn't trust him with his actions. Which ones were for my own benefit and which ones were for Clover?

Born and raised to be a fighter, I have returned mostly, back to a solitary life, but something tells me that that is about to change. Between the interactions with Azraeth, Flynn and Doc, something is telling me that some things may change. I don't know what that is just yet, but I have all the time in the world to figure that out.