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♡ Letters to Leo ♡
Posted: 21 Dec 2015, 21:06
by Lorelai
OOC: This thread represents a pale blue, spiral note book in which Lorelai writes letters to her the son she lost.
Re: ♡ Letters to Leo ♡
Posted: 21 Dec 2015, 22:14
by Lorelai
October 7th, 2015
My sweet boy,
Today would have been your first birthday. Happy birthday, my lovely Leo. I miss you terribly.
It was suggested to me that I write to you, in an effort to ease my grief. You are always in my thoughts and I think of you daily. I cannot help but think of how big you would be, which milestones you would have met, how your little face would have changed, etc. Much has happened in this past year and I'm not sure you'd like to hear how desperate my situation became but I will do my best to tell you what I think you would want to know.
Firstly, I was changed, and not for the better. After you were taken from me, I felt darkness in my soul for the very first time and no matter what I did, I was unable to rid myself of it. I turned to alcohol to quieten the demon within but all that did was set me on the path to what I became. I became reckless with my safety and while death would have been a release, I instead found myself cursed with eternal life. The only positive of this, is the fact that you will never be forgotten.
I was unable to hate my sire until recently. I had thought Prudence to be infallible, a goddess even but she isn't; I see that now. Why I ever felt that way I do not know. I think that perhaps I needed that connection to keep myself going, to stop myself from withdrawing from this new life. I don't need that now. I have found some sense of purpose. I have even found love. No-one will ever fill the hole you have created in my heart but he lessens the ache just by being with me. I wish you could have met one another. I think Levi would have been a wonderful father to you, given the chance. He bought me a pendant to help me remember you. I token upon which I can focus in my darkest hours. It's very sweet. It's an oval, silver disc with diamond chips and engravings that make up the constellation of your namesake. The back of the disc is inscribed too, it read; He's safe among the stars now. See. Levi is very sweet and I'm sure he would have loved you, as he does me. I'm sure Lyle misses you too, but I do not speak to him directly if I can help it.
Levi and I live together now. It took a while for him to accept me as his girlfriend but I think he's happy with his decision. He is so attentive these days, much more so than he was when we first met, but I doubt you wish to hear more of that my sweet boy. I will simply say that I love him and that I am finally sure that he loves me to. Not only has he said the words, but he turned down a marriage of convenience, one that was expected of him, and he turned it down because of me. Because he loves me.
I have a secret though dear child. One that no-one knows. I'm almost ashamed to write the words and admit this aloud but you deserve to know everything that has happened to me, everything that I have done in order to try and fill the void your absence has left within me. I tried to adopt a child. Though perhaps that is a lie. I took a thrall. I chose a pregnant female; one I thought was carrying a son. He would not have replaced you, as no-one ever could, but I find myself desperate for a child, even now. I hide this fact from everyone. No-one can understand how I feel, not unless they have lost a child of their own, and even then most women have the option to try for another of their own. That option was taken from me the night that Prudence condemned me to this life. Caroline gave birth a few days ago. She had a daughter. I couldn't raise her as my own. Not only would it not be right, but I don't believe I could bond with the child. She should have been a he. He would have been easier to love then. I might try again in the future but not yet. Not now that Levi and I are so serious. I need him to desire a child too and I'm not sure if he has any interest in starting a family with me. I hope. I dream. But I'm scared to ask. I'll ask one day. But not now.
I'm a little scared for my sanity right now Leo. This is another reason I have chosen to write to you. I speak to myself often and I reply. I believe it's normal, but it's happening more of late and sometimes I am able to relinquish control to my alter ego. She's a part of me. I know this. She knows what I know. We are the same, and yet we aren't. She's more outspoken than I am. I believe she might be capable of violence too and that fact scares me. I don't wish to be that person and yet my control over her is slipping. This is perhaps another secret of mine. One I am sure Levi suspects, even if he has been polite enough not to mention my strange mood swings. If I'm lucky, this is something I can fight and when I have found my peace, I may find that she no longer feels the need to force herself upon me.
And here I shall end my first letter to you. I love you sweet boy. I wish things could be different. I wish you were here in my arms today and that I could smother your small face with kisses and sing to you. I will write to you again when I have more to say. Until then, I do hope that you are safe among the stars and that you know that you are loved.
Your Mother
xXx