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I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
Posted: 28 Jul 2015, 12:58
by Adelita (DELETED 5973)
This is my first entry, so there will be a lot of things to be said here.
I was not born here, but now I am stuck here. In Canada. I hate this place. I miss Mexico. I miss what my life was before, but Remington warned me. And so here we are. Speaking of the man that sired me, I have not seen him in months. Many. Maybe even longer than I think. Half a year? That sounds right.
I don't see Godric as I once did, but things had to change since Mexico. I pushed him away, and now he has another woman in his life. Nyx. I was upset at first, even jealous, but now? It's good to see him happy. I don't think we were happy. Not unless one of us had their leg wrapped tight around the other.
Andras. I don't know what to say or think about that. It is the 'familia,' Remington is part of. I know no one in it but Godric. I know of someone named Niklaus, and I know of Micah, but I don't know anyone in the family. Not really. I sometimes think of giving the thing called a tome back to Micah because I don't feel right having it. I don't use it a lot. Maybe once a week. I think I will. I don't feel part of Andras, and I don't blame anyone for that. I'm as guilty as anyone in that.
Niklaus. I find him funny, and hope to physically meet him one night. I enjoy his sense of humor and even his flirting nature. But I know nothing would come from it, so it makes me laugh. All of it. I wonder if we could be friends, or if we are too similar in some things.
I met a man named Robin Little and we worked out an arrangement. He was my personal blood donor, and the arrangement, while pricey was good. Very professional. We never mixed business and pleasure together, even if he was attractive and at times my thoughts went there. I appreciate that in the end. I haven't seen him since Elighan came into my life. I should send him some money and an apology.
Elighan. What to say about him? Too much, so I will keep it short. I enjoy pissing him off. I did. Pushing his boundaries. He came in to my life, so I inserted myself in his. I worked for him, I took over his bed and apartment, and he didn't want a single thing from me other than to do my job. Frustrating, isn't it? He didn't even want sex. Not once. I swore he was gay. Then one night I pacified him because he touched me and it made me uncomfortable when he did that. I think he was giving back what I gave him for once. One thing finally led to another, and out of all the men I've slept with since becoming a vampire, he got me pregnant with a fadebeast. Can you believe that we can have little monsters? What a pendejo. I've sort of forgiven him because it was mostly my fault, but still. I can say that he is not gay with resound certainty.
Then there is Tizoc, or Ambrose. I don't even know where to begin with that, so I might save it for another entry. What I notice now is how complex all the men are in my life, and how some mean more to me than others, even if I refuse to tell them that.
Re: I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
Posted: 04 Aug 2015, 04:45
by Adelita (DELETED 5973)
Another male enters my life. Unintentionally. I can't imagine the process was pleasant. I have no fangs. None. It was the worst thing I have ever done, and I have done a lot of things. Bad things. I try not to bite people anymore because they always remember. Wouldn't you remember being gnawed on? I would.
But here we are. Like I needed another male in my life.
I keep thinking about Tizoc, mostly because I want my things back. And because my time in the shadows had me rethinking and re-evaluating some of the things I said and did with that man. That man is muy loco. He's not right in the head. I absolutely understand there was no other way, but he could have, I don't know...called or something after the fact. No, that's stupid. He probably doesn't even know what a phone is. He could have at least checked on me to give me my things back.
I'm going to get them back one way or another. I'm not scared of crazy. I've dealt with crazy my whole life on a lot of levels and even more lately. I don't know what happened that night, or how it happened, but that was not love. That was something I can't even describe. Uncomfortable? Disconcerting? Alarming? Who does that?
Okay, maybe it was a little sexy, with the exception of the dying part. But the other parts weren't so bad.
He could still have called or emailed. He has to know how important a driver's license is. Maybe.
Re: I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
Posted: 05 Aug 2015, 02:28
by Adelita (DELETED 5973)
Elighan's offered to be my personal blood donor. I'm not comfortable with it. He says he can heal. He has powers. I told you he's not right. Maybe his other power is putting fadebeasts in people. He doesn't even think it's strange that he can do these things he does. I feel like I live in a soap opera of crazy ****.
I think I'm mostly uncomfortable with it because it's one more thing he's doing for me. I don't want to be dependent on anyone. He already has given me a job and a place to stay and a few other benefits I don't mind, but giving me blood? I don't know. It seems like I would be dependent on him for every aspect of my life. That without him I would be nothing. I would probably die. Again.
I've made him dinner twice now. He needs to take better care of himself. Humans do need to eat. I tell him this all the time. His apartment smells and looks much better now. I've started adding color to it. Because it was ugly and boring and I'm not looking at boring off white walls with brown décor.
He hasn't brought up the dating thing again. Or the other words. Like Commitment. Or Faithful. I'm relieved.
I finally heard back from Ambrose. Sort of. His thrall emailed me back. Can you believe that? The guy can bang my brains out, then kill me, but can't even man up to reply to an email? I know he's different, but the letters are on the keyboard. All you need to do is know how to spell and to press them and then it's typed out. I just want my things back. We're meeting at The Lounge-A semi busy and public place just because it's smart business. Smart for me. I'm not scared of the man, but I don't want to end up on an altar or something. I won't even bother him again after this. It should be a simple, ten minute transaction at most. It's not like we actually love each other, right? I know what I said, and what he said...but I don't think I'm comfortable knowing that the person I think I love is fine with killing me and then if they do kill me, they don't check on me. I have some words for that man when we do meet and then he can go back to hiding again.
Why would I say those things to him?
Am I crazy too?
Maybe the fadebeast that Elighan put in me made me crazy. Maybe making people go crazy is another power he possess too.
Re: I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
Posted: 05 Aug 2015, 12:16
by Adelita (DELETED 5973)
Last night was....interesting.
I was removed from Andras because Velveteen has a bee in her bonnet about something that happened in the Docere Crownet that didn't even involve her at the beginning. Godric had replied to someone on the forum and I, attempting to be supportive of him put my two cents in and then he brings some punta in that he sired and displays her for everyone, including me to see. I wasn't happy. Not one bit.
Velveteen put herself in the middle of our conversation and apparently she feels I, Godric and that little punta made the family and her look stupid. I thought this was the first time she talked to me, but I was wrong. The first time she spoke to me was when she kept asking where Remington, my sire was. I told her I didn't know and hadn't seen him in months. MONTHS. Then nada until the week I was pregnant with that stupid beast Elighan put in me where I was not acting like myself. I mean, obviously I don't go around ordering raw steaks and having an insane amount of mood swings like I had that entire week before Ambrose killed me.
My thoughts are this: I made her and Andras look stupid with my words. Maybe. I might be willing to accept that, but where was she or Andras when I was getting sunburned? Did I make them look stupid then? Where was she or Andras when I was being shot at by those people in the sewers? Did I look stupid to them then? What about when I bit some guy with my teeth, not fangs and he shot me? Did I look stupid then? Is it my fault I don't have fangs? And finally, where was she when I was pregnant and then killed by Ambrose? Did I make Andras and her look stupid then? The answer to most these is probably yes, especially the last one, but how was I to know? The only people in Andras to ever speak to me are Niklaus (Who I think spoke to me in my head, I have to email him to find out? It was freaky.) Malachai and Micah.
The only person(s) to make Andras look stupid are vampires who sire other vampires and then disappear less than a month later. I'm not asking anyone to hold my hand and do things for me, but a little guidance would be nice. Where was she? I'm not going to respect someone just because they are Remington's sire. That means absolutely nada to me, especially when they can't even spend five minutes a month checking in on those under Remington. Or any vampires that sire and disappear. If I made Andras look stupid, put the blame on Remington or even yourself, chica.
I explained my actions to Micah in private in an email, and he might not agree, but that is what happened. I was not myself. I tried to eat Elighan at one point. I agreed to be killed, and I ordered and ate raw steak in bulk. Before things have happened in the couple of weeks, I was obsessed with Godric on an unhealthy level. Now? Now I think he's a little punta and he can have his punta however he wants her. Neither him or Remington have helped me, but he was all too happy to help me in Mexico when the majority of our nights were spent entwined together. I'm worth so much more than a piece of ***, even if I love having sex and am really good at it.
Am I sad that I got kicked from Andras? No. I can talk to Niklaus at any time without involving Andras. I can't be sad for two reasons. I told Velveteen that if my presence annoys her to remove me and the second is, how can someone be sad about being removed from a place they were barely welcomed at anyways? I am fine with giving Micah my tome back because as I said in an earlier entry, I barely used it anyways and if for some reason something does happen in their home, I certainly don't want fingers pointed at me. I don't care enough to steal or damage their property-not if they haven't given a rat's *** about me.
P.S. Get together with Niklaus. Work out feeding arrangements with Elighan since he's so persistent. Give my tome back immediately or give it to Niklaus to give back for me. Tell Wynifred that she's going to have to start helping me feed too. Consider apologizing to Docere, or on a more personal level Alexander White. Get my things back from Tizoc and hope Jose isn't right. That I'm crazy. And that I might end up dead again. Talk with Elighan.
Re: I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
Posted: 08 Aug 2015, 19:48
by Adelita (DELETED 5973)
Backdated to August 5th, 2015
I am finally meeting Niklaus tonight. I'm pretty sure he wants to talk about what happened in Andras, but it will finally be nice to meet the faceless man that I've spoken to a few times. He told me to wear something pretty. I had a good laugh at that.
After everything that happened, I told Elighan that I would finally go to Las Vegas. I just want some space to clear my head and not think about anything or anyone. And besides, the sooner we go to Las Vegas, the sooner we go to Costa Rica. A deal is a deal.
I think Elighan is crazy. He doesn't like people, but he's going to a city that's always busy and full of people! He's going there for pleasure, but I'm going there to learn. Now that I'm working for Elighan in his casino ring, I need to learn how to get a lot more money for the ring. And where better to learn how to get your hands on someone else's cash, other than in Las Vegas?
We're a really great team, and I like what I do, but Elighan has been incistant on trying to get me to help manage his gambling ring. I've declined a couple times, because I like what I do. I don't mind some cute guy's hands on my *** while my hand is in their wallet or back pocket. Don't tell Elighan, he might flip his lid, but I've made mucho money the last week flirting with some high profile clients. They were just going to either drink or gamble it all away anyways.
Going to pack and then off to meet my papi.
Re: I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
Posted: 10 Aug 2015, 02:47
by Adelita (DELETED 5973)
My meeting with Niklaus was not what I expected. I like the male. We have some more things in common-like sires that abandon those they sire. Surprise, surprise. He's also done bad things...something about torture? I'm curious, but didn't think it was worth asking the first time we met.
I asked him in a few words or less to mentor me. Help me, should I need it. He seems to have a lot of vampire knowledge and history and isn't afraid to share what he knows openly.
Elighan and I finally made it to Las Vegas. He refused to let me go until I tried a safer way of feeding, which was on him. I said I would try it once, but I thought trying it meant maybe, maybe not. He thought it meant two days later. If I didn't feed from the slit on his wrist, we weren't going to Las Vegas, which meant we wouldn't be going to Costa Rica anytime soon.
He has another power. He can heal himself. He's not your typical human, but he keeps pretending he is. Just casually mentioning these new things he can do. Which is why feeding off him isn't a big deal in his mind. He can just heal his wrist like it never even happened. I think he's muy loco.
Winny tells me a painting arrived at the apartment last night. She's a nice woman, but not very smart. She said it was a painting of an Canadian Indian. Or a Native American. I asked her to take a picture and send it to my phone and it was not a Native American or Canadian Indian. It was Tizoc-Ambrose. I now now that Winny isn't a history major. I'm going to have to email Ambrose and ask him why he sent me that. It's probably worth a lot of money. It looked like something you would find in an art gallery or something.
Elighan gifted me a crafting set that I can take anywhere and make things with. I think he feels bad I was kicked out of my 'family.' Micah said I could still use the tome because I'm 'family,' but I don't think I will. I've used a lot of people in my life, but something Niklaus said to me when we talked made me think I don't need to do that anymore. We all start from somewhere, but now that I finally have a decent paying job, an alias and a lot of money, I don't need to do the things I once did.
I should buy him something. Maybe for his panic attacks. He had one while I was busy getting attacked by some pendejo with a knife. Who attacks people with a hunting knife? What a little punta. It left a mark, something fine and thin, but I'm starting to think that I have a lot of bad luck. Too much of it.
I worry for Elighan. That one night I might lose control like I did with him and kill him. Or worse yet, make him a vampire. I should leave Elighan alone before I kill him.
Re: I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
Posted: 11 Aug 2015, 03:03
by Adelita (DELETED 5973)
Elighan is an asshole!
We went to Las Vegas and he refused to do anything with me because I had a scratch on my leg. A scratch! I am a vampire and he's worried about a scratch. I had a job to do when I was there for him and I couldn't even do the thing he requested of me because of a scratch. I'm not a porcelain doll. I don't snap or break, but because of this scratch he couldn't even touch me.
I kept quiet about it, but when we got home he asked the most ridiculous question. If I was disappointed we didn't get married while we were there. I told you he was crazy! I answered him honestly and told him that I wouldn't ever dream of shackling myself to someone, even someone as cute as him, if I didn't even date. He swears I told him I would be faithful in terms of 'dating,' but I am most positive I never said that. I might be faithfully screwing him, but we are not dating. Why on earth would we date? I told you he needed to spend some time with his people. Humans. He wants something he can't have. What we can never be. How sexy is it to say that an eighty year old man is my boyfriend? Not very.
It didn't end well. Our conversation. I walked out of the apartment after telling him to screw off. I don't like his insinuations or his insecurities. And we were having so much fun...
Re: I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
Posted: 12 Aug 2015, 00:36
by Adelita (DELETED 5973)
It has been a while since I met with Ambrose....Tizoc, whatever he wants to be called, with no answers from him about what might have happened the night we met. I have to conclude that he hasn't found the cause, or there are no others. Which makes me begin to wonder and worry, slightly. I would be worried more if I had to see him, or had seen him since.
Elighan has apologized through email because I refuse to return to the apartment. He thinks his words were justified, and maybe they were. If our situation was different. If it was human, maybe. Even then, I'm not one hundred percent convinced his joke about getting married was a joke. I don't see the need as to why it was even said. I'm mostly avoiding him because I don't know what to say, or do. We were having a good time until he said something so stupid...something so...humanly driven. But he certainly is tenacious, that is for sure.
So now I'm stuck with either contacting Ambrose and seeing what if anything he has found out, or ignoring him and the strange night between us. And I'm also stuck with going to Elighan's apartment and potentially breaking his human heart, or ignoring him too.
When did life get so complicated?
Re: I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
Posted: 15 Aug 2015, 01:41
by Adelita (DELETED 5973)
Motivation. Sometimes you just need it to apply yourself. I was tired of talking through Jose to Tizoc, so I decided to motivate him. He finally saw the importance of learning how to read and type. How importante email is in these modern nights. I'm amused to say in the least. And thrilled at the same time.
I'm about to go to the library and investiage what books Jose checked out so that I can start my own research on what might have happened the night I met Tizoc. Other than the dying part. And the really great sex part. I mean the feelings part.
I haven't seen or talked to Niklaus in a while. I should go see him sooner than later. Hopefully, he has something that will help me have the perfect bite so I don't draw unwarranted attention at indecent times.
And finally, I don't know how or where I stand with Elighan. I'm still insistent that I am not the one for him, but sometimes we have a lot of fun. And fun is definitely something I both want and need right now.
Re: I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
Posted: 18 Aug 2015, 13:21
by Adelita (DELETED 5973)
I went to the public library and researched sirens, perelesnyk, and Rusalkas. The things Tizoc mentioned the night we met again. Perelesnyk...I don't believe that is what we encountered. Not unless Tizoc is an incubus. Wouldn't that be fun, as much as I doubt it? I mean, I certainly don't have any dead lovers or husbands in my skeleton closet. I've disregarded that possibility. That brings me to the Rusalka. Supposedly it's a mermaid. I think I would remember seeing a woman with a fish tail. So if it were any of the three, it would have to be the siren. And if that is the case, that means an outside force played a hand in what happened. Just like Tizoc thought. He would know more than me about these things, right? So, potential mystery solved. Now everyone can go on with their lives.
Elighan and I sort of kissed and made up, I guess. It's still a little weird. For me anyways. But at least we aren't fighting, which is just how I like it. Fighting means it's time to move on. That someone is getting a little too attached.
I have been busy making traps and other things for Elighan. So he can keep getting me supplies to make those things. He keeps me busy. I wonder if that's intentional. I'm certain our appetites are not the same...that I'm a little more insatiable...but he tries to keep up. Points for that, si?