Path of the Vampire forum

[ OOC: This thread is for Fforde members to post all family interactions. Enjoy! ]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

* Jesse Fforde is at the house, as promised. He hasn't been to the apartment much; it's almost as if he's trying to lure Grey out with his absence. So when not at work, he's at Larch Court. Of course he does other things, like breaking and entering (in order to make tomes for the family and gather crafting supplies for the family), but they don't take up too much of his time. Tonight, he's lounging around upstairs on one of the couches, his phone on the floor beside him, his feet up, and his sketch book resting on his knees. As per usual, when at home he's not all too formal, and thus is only wearing a pair of track pants and a plain black tank. There's a frown set over his brow. Anyone looking might have thought he was just concentrating, the charcoal wending heavy dark lines across the plain paper. But those in the know would probably realise the frown is due to something else entirely.


* Leyla walked into their home with a sigh as she made her way through the doorway, her laptop and school folder tucked under her arm as she walked in. When she saw Jesse she gave a gentle smile and wrangled both herself and her belongings closer to the man and took a seat near by his. "What are you drawling?" asking as she set her laptop and folder aside. It was hard to miss that the man was busy over there sketching something. There was a disappointed look about her face but when she looked at him it went back to her usual happy smile.


* Jesse Fforde says nothing. As Leyla nods in his direction, he nods back. And when she asks what he is drawing, he merely turns the book around and holds it up to her. Sometimes his work is fine, done with ink and watercolours. They're the tattoo designs. Sometimes, however, he likes a bit of greywash. Just black and white. The image shown to Leyla is of skull, which is all harsh darkness and shadows. From a crack in head, however, and out of the eyes and mouth, he has drawn flowers; a myriad of roses and carnations. The drawing is incomplete, and some of it are still just hashed lines that haven't been filled in yet. Just a doodle, really, rather than anything too important or telling. It was something he'd started before the foul mood set in.


* Leyla looked at the drawling and smiled as her eyes gazed over the intense skull. Her head tipped and her curls bounced some as she did, her hand reaching up to sweep hair from her face. Unlike when she first got here- she's all dressed up. Her hair done, make up on her face, pretty preppy clothing with matching heels. Everything about Leyla seemed to have brightened back up with her acceptance. The hand moved from her hair to wrap slender fingers around her lanyard, "I wish I could drawl like that, Jesse." a fang nibbled then at her lip before she simply sighed. "Talk to me?" she asks, her eyebrows raising gently. She knew he was upset and she felt like she would burst with both her concern and her growing intuition. It had been obvious online and even more obvious in person. It was hard to describe but she was slowly starting to get lazy jingles. A little tug of feelings when she got too close too someone who was feeling consumed by one emotion than any of the others.


* Jesse Fforde isn't really one for talking. If he can get by without it, he does. Most of the time. He doesn't call people on the phone just to have a chat. Call it habit, after being mute for a decade. He's not giving anyone any kind of silent treatment; it's just how he is. He clears his throat--for example, this'll be the first time he's spoken all evening. When his voice does come out, it's raspy and cracked, never to really be whole. He puts the sketch pad down. "You could draw like that, if you really want to. Just takes practice," he says with a shrug.


* Leyla gave a sigh at the man's response. Men. Jesus. Leaning back in her seat she crossed her long legs and fixed her dress accordingly. "I suppose I could but I'm more wondering about how you're feeling?" she asks again, this time she hopes that she's clear as she gripped her lanyard and pulls it off from around her neck. She was no longer working now. No reason to keep it around her neck- she was sure most knew her name around here anyway. "I know a lot of your childre are upset with you.. and you them." she raised plucked 'brows at him. It would do him good to blow off some steam and she only knew how to do that with talking. She could be his ear, no problem.


* Jesse Fforde arches his brow. Again. For a few seconds he just stares at Leyla, confounded. It's pretty ******* clear how he's feeling, he thought. But maybe she hadn't actually read his small rant on the forum, yet? No, he's not the sort to spill his woes; less these days than he used to, anyway. He'd already been called too many names to recount because he thought people gave a **** about his feelings. He's wary to begin doing that again. "Last I saw, you were on their side," he says, cool and calm.


* Leyla tipped her head just slightly as he stared at her. Nothing mocking, just confused as to why he's trying to stare into her soul like that. For a moment, it makes her uncomfortable so she shifts in her seat before he spoke. Full pink lips pursed then at what he said before she smoothed her palms over the fabric of her dress. "Well, I suppose I don't actually have a vote on the account you're not my sire.." she looked at the man with nothing but respect even as she shrugged and discounted her own feelings. "I'm just not sure why you keep bringing all of these new childre when the one's you have are already unhappy with the numbers. I'm not sure it's helping anyone.. unless there's something I'm missing?"


* Jesse Fforde 's lips remain shut, too, for a moment. He's not the sort to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind - which in this case would have been that Leyla hadn't thought of her non-vote before she posted. But, he doesn't that because if there were to be any kind of vote, of course hers would be counted. "I may as well be your sire for all the attention your own has given you," he rectifies. That ought to make her feel included. "What's wrong with larger numbers? I like to be surrounded by family. How is it hindering anyone, exactly?" he asks. That's the crux of it, really. How exactly does it harm anyone if the numbers swell?


* Leyla would have agreed that she hadn't thought at all. Infact, she had been in the cyber Cafe after stalking about the City to just catch a glimpse of the cutie with the booty. She shrugged her slender shoulders, she wasn't about to fight his argument. He was right. He had taken her in and she always came to him with all of her thoughts and concerns. Even if she had been busy sticking her nose in her books and fighting zombies and of course, class. That hadn't left much time for conversation with him or really anyone else outside of her Uni. "I just think it makes them feel less to you." She said after a moment of thought. "I can only say that's what I'm getting from everything on the CrowNet. I would have to suggest that you speak to them further because I can't speak for them." Leyla smiled then at him, trying to be reassuring, trying to be there for him as he was always there for her.


* Jesse Fforde shakes his head. The more they talk about it, the angrier he gets. The more things he thinks of that just rile him up. "You were never a part of Andras, but it was a far larger family that we were once attached to. There was... drama. We are no longer in that family. While that was going on, I tried to get everyone to speak up, right? I tried to instill in everyone that we should be a family that tells each other when we're feeling crap about each other. Open and honest and up front. Sure, they'r letting me know they're unhappy but they don't explain why. They just ***** about it with their sarcasm..." he stops, and shakes his head. "Ishaq is never here. Never says anything. Just comes out of the blue to ***** about something he has no idea about anyway. Victor? I used to go to him all the time because he couldn't ever come to me, nooo. I'm the one who's always got to go to them. Where's this two way street everyone's always talking about, huh?" he breathes. He doesn't need to, but he does. He shakes his head again. There go those feelings, that he told himself he wasn't going to spill.


* Leyla gave a tiny shudder as she felt his anger build. Yuck, she hadn't expected all that but she was listening. Leyla was a great listener. As he spoke she would nod randomly just a soft up and down tilt of her chin. Just so he would know that she wasn't just tuning him out as she had before. Truly, her happiness brought her back to her former-self. Almost the girl she was before she got dumped on his stairs. If you asked her now, she'd tell Jesse that she was grateful that he hadn't left her. That she had the strength to look up into that warm yellow glow of the door opening to LC. "It's apparently buried somewhere." she wrinkled her nose before she sighed. "You know I don't completely understand because Felicity turned me yet- you're the one putting in the time with me, Jesse. I don't know why they won't meet you halfway but maybe they are not aware that that they're not?" she said this in a question. Who was she to know? She didn't know or even know them. Of course though, she would always try to see the glass half full than half empty.


* Jesse Fforde shrugs his shoulders. There's plenty more he could say. Like... would they all bite Felicity's head off when she came back? Why not? Why not be furious at the schizophrenic for doing something that she couldn't help? Jesse knows it, deep down. He's told them before. He can't help himself. When he sires someone, it's like a high. He'd literally nearly let Mickey drain him dry. But they call it ********. It's not something he's going to use as an excuse anymore. The last thing he wants is to make them angry, but he just can't ******* help it. His body is tense, but he doesn't say any of it. "Beyond bleeding myself dry and giving all the ******* clothes off my back, I'm not sure what I have to do to make them see that I do everything for this family. I sire because I feel the urge but I don't just fuckin' abandon people and make them fend for themselves," he frowns. He shrugs again. Sure, he looks furious. But it's really just a mask.


* Leyla stayed quiet for a few minutes before she managed to shrug her shoulders at him again. "You can't do anything else." She said the words and they made her wince. It was upsetting for her to see the man this broken up and this angry. She couldn't do anything about it. Not a damn thing and it almost made her feel helpless. The only thing she could think to do is try to focus more on him and her family and maybe just that much would help make him happy. When he spoke about his siring skills she nodded. "I know you don't abandon people. I'm here and I didn't die during my turning because of you." she gave him a warm smile- trying to at least show him that she was grateful for what he did for her. Everything else was out of her power.


* Jesse Fforde watched Leyla as she sat there on the other lounge chair, reassuring him. He had to stop doing this. He'd done the same thing to Clover. How long ago was it? He'd about as far as admitted that he had no idea what he was doing but it seemed to have gained no sympathy. But he rebelled at the thought of sympathy, anyway. Even Leyla's support started to itch. He's not supposed to be weak. He's supposed to be strong, for them. Play the part of leader. As much as he wants to be the kind of leader that everyone can come to with their problems, it's not going to happen. So maybe he has to be the leader that everyone hates. And so be it. "I can talk to them and find out what their problem is, exactly. But beyond that..." he shrugs. He'd deflated, somewhat, from that billowing fury. It wasn't all about him, after all. Their feelings shouldn't be illegitimised just because he didn't understand them.


* Leyla nodded at the man and finished his sentence for him. "You can't do anything else." Leaning back in her seat she re-crossed her legs and attempted another reassuring smile. "Jesse, it'll all work out in the end, I'm sure." She wasn't sure, actually. This was the first lie she told Jesse. Well, not a full terrible lie but enough of one that made her feel the pain of guilt right after she said it. It wasn't something she was sure of. It wasn't something that she could guarantee because it was up to him and his childre to come to a common ground or they would all stay at odds. The thought of all of them staying at odds made her head ache and her lips press into a thin line for a quick moment. To her, she thought they were all lucky to be picked by Jesse. He hadn't left them in a heap of a bloody mess on the ******* door steps and they all knew they could come to him. Leyla didn't have anyone else when and if Jesse ever left the picture.


* Jesse Fforde laughs. He doesn't think Leyla's lying. It's not a statement that can be called a lie or a truth. It's something people say. Something that optimistic people say, and he finds himself staring at Leyla again. But he's got that smile in his eyes that's neither sadistic nor creepy, as his smile can so often be. "You know, I'm glad it was you Felicity dumped on our doorstep. Rather than some depressed good-for-nothing hipster," he says. He is grateful for Leyla's cheer. And for Kaelyn's. So many of his family seem always to be depressed or upset, including his own fiance. Which he doesn't know how to solve. It doesn't make for a really welcoming atmosphere. "You should meet Marian. I'm sure she thinks everyone loathes her, at this point."


* Leyla felt her smile grow as she saw him smile. It made her feel better, really. "Really? Me too, actually." she laughed softly and leaned further back in her seat to relax. "I'm also far from a hipster." she said with a grand gesture of her hand to her pretty dress and her dressy high-heels. At the mention of Marian she nodded. "I'll introduce myself, certainly."

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

* Jesse Fforde gives a thankful nod. Part of the problem, he thinks, is that the majority of those who have ended up in this family are antisocial. They don't like crowds. They don't like noise. Whereas Jesse? He's always been surrounded by people, different kinds of people. And he loves the clubs that play the good music. The live music. He's very much in to letting loose, which he doesn't get much of a chance to do these days. He doesn't get out on the town to just have a good time. He nods to the folder and the bag Leyla had carried in with her. "How's the study? And congratulations on the kill. I think that's a message I failed to respond to."


* Leyla turned her head towards the bag and her folder and quite suddenly she's reminded of the man so she flushes. It was quick and she hoped Jesse hadn't noticed that but she turned to face him again and smile with her pretty pink lips. "Good really, I'm getting good grades, of course." with just a bit of sass she tossed a loose curl over her shoulder and smiled with all of her teeth and fangs at the man. "Thanks, it's okay. I know you're busy and I quickly got.. distracted." she cleared her throat for a moment as she tried not to flush yet again. Yeah, she had been busy. With the girly hope that she'd run into the man again.


* Jesse Fforde arches a brow as he gets the distinct feeling there's something Leyla isn't telling him, but he doesn't push the matter. The notion of going to school and getting good grades is completely foreign to Jesse, but he can at least focus on the latter half. "I'm not as busy as most people thing I am, really. Did we say we were going to go hunting together sometime?" he asks. Or was it the rituals they'd decided to focus on? He can't exactly recall, but either way. He's free, whenever Leyla wants to.


* Leyla shook her head gently at his question and she smiled. "No, we said we would focus on rituals because I fucked up the practice one." she laughed at herself then. They had just spoke about how wonderful she had been doing at Uni and now she had to remember the horror that was her trying to do the ritual. She could just picture herself with her little piece of paper and how many times she fucked up the circle. It was an ugly thought, she was so good at so many other things. "Also, I meant to tell you that I got myself a job so I have school and a job." she smiled, proud of herself. Now, if she could only track that handsome man down..


* Jesse Fforde nods, knowingly. It had to be one or the other. There was someone he'd promised to go hunting with, though. Something that he didn't focus on; a niggling proof that perhaps they were all right and there were far too many and his promises were slipping through the cracks. He doesn't realise. He's blinded by the urge. He focuses instead on Leyla. "Oh yeah? Where are you working?" he asks, genuinely curious.


* Leyla looked excited when she spoke about her job. She liked the other people who worked there and she enjoyed having lots to do. It always made her feel useful when she was always busy. "This or That, it's a gift shop." A hand lifted and she pushed a strand of hair behind her pale ear. Then an idea popped in her head and she smiled big. "Just let me know if you want to get something for Grey. We have some pretty things." she winked. "I'll even pick it out because you know.. girls rule." she teased him all in good nature as she grabbed her folder to flip through for a flyer. It wasn't all that exciting most of it was just graded homework and little doodled notes with various features of lover-boy.


* Jesse Fforde had never heard of the place. He seems to heavily consider something for Grey. "I might take you up on that. But not one something. Several small somethings. All wrapped up. So I can leave them in a trail... or a treasure hunt, or something," he says. Is that getting too passive aggressive, to think he has to try to lure her out rather than talk to her about it? But he has talked to her about it. And nothing seems to have come from it. He's all talked out. From where he's sitting, he can see the doodled drawings. Doodles can sometimes lead to great things. "So you dabble in drawing?" he asks, nodding again to the notebook.


* Leyla was delighted by the idea. It was something that she could do to help him, when he was always helping her. A small little way that she could even the score just that much. Now it was her mission to check out the store when she went back to work the next night. Then he spoke about her drawing and she just flushed that horrible red-pink color. It spread over her freckled thin nose and her head turned to the side in embarrassment. The color coming from the fresh blood that she drank to replenish her body. "Well, not really." she looked down at the folder and she quickly pulled the flyer out and shoved the folder away before handing it over to Jesse. Well, if it hadn't been obvious before it was now. Leyla was hiding something.


* Jesse Fforde takes the flyer but continues to stare at Leyla in that way that he has. Like he's trying to see right through her skull and into her brain to see what she's thinking. He just nods as he leans forward to take the flyer, a knowing 'uh-huh' slipping like a rumbled purr in his throat. She is hiding something, he knows that now. But he's not going to push. It's her prerogative to hide things, if she so wishes. But he's grinning at her, teasingly. Because he can't help but tease, just a little.


* Leyla stopped herself from blushing deeper at his obvious teasing. Instead, she lifted her chin proudly. It wasn't anything bad or anything out of the ordinary that she was hiding. She just had this stupid crush on a man she hadn't met formally yet. No, they just kept seeing each other and all she wanted to do was introduce herself and take him out to lunch even if she couldn't eat. Even if maybe he was lunch, instead. She didn't know because she wasn't sure how to find out who was vampire especially since she hadn't really met anyone outside of their little family who was all obviously vampire.


* Jesse Fforde leans back in the couch and peruses the flyer, taking in the information but not, at the same time. He knows those kinds of blushes. He'd seen one on Esperanza just the day before, when Rhett paid the girl just that little bit too much attention. Which wasn't even that much attention to begin with. The way Kaelyn got over Kane. Kind of. The way he himself had made Grey blush, in the beginning. **** he loves it when she blushes. "If it's a boy... you might be dead but make sure you still use protection. Trust me," he says, his eyes still on the flyer. An off-the-cuff remark, but a very important piece of advice, too. Something that Jesse isn't at all awkward about bringing up.


* Leyla was just about to relax. She was just about to sit back and smile at the man because he'd never know unless she told him, right? Wrong. Her entire face flush that awful color for a moment and her eyes closed tightly before she shook her head. Those brown curls of hers bouncing all around as she tried to pretend that he hadn't just said that. That he hadn't just known with a snap of his fingers. Crap, crap. "What? Why?!" she asked, or squeaked. She meant 'what, why would you say that?' But much to her horror still it sounded like she wanted to know why she'd need to use protection still. Aw.


* Jesse Fforde glances up, calm as a cucumber. There'd been some discussion on the Crow, he'd thought, but maybe he was wrong. But this is as good a time as any. And, now that he thinks about it, it really is one of the most important things they should all know. If this **** crops up by accident, it can ruin relationships. It can test the, anyway. "Have you seen a fadebeast, yet? Do you know what a fadebeast is?" he asks.


* Leyla just looked absolutely horrified. Her eyes widened, her lips parted as if she were to gasp. Really, she was just embarrassed down to her toes. She shouldn't be because it wasn't anything to fret over but she wasn't used to this type of talk or feeling this type of way. It made her uncomfortable and suddenly her arms crossed over her chest as she sulked in her virgin misery. "No, I don't believe I have.."


* Jesse Fforde ignores her embarrassment. Maybe he is a lot more like a father in this situation than he would care to admit. Though he assumed a father would be far more uncomfortable talking to his daughter about this kind of thing. But Leyla isn't his daughter. She's a young woman who's probably not too many years younger than Jesse himself. And this kind of thing shouldn't be a discomfort. Not to him, anyway. "Fadebeasts are monsters, really. If you think vampires are monsters, you have another thing coming. They're creatures of shadow and flesh, no two look the same. They have teeth and claws and they generally have no souls. Nothing. They exist because that's what's born when a vampire gets pregnant. Or when a vampire impregnates a human woman. It never ends well if there's a baby and there's a vampire involved. They rip out of the mother's gut like something out of alien," he says. He's trying to be light about it, but it's hitting too close to home. His brows furrow. "She would die, unless you get to it first, cut it out before it can do any damage," he mutters, lowly.


* Leyla took a moment to try and understand. Then her features twisted and she looked about ready to throw up. It had been a good and bad thing that she was dead now. No periods. No babies. But then.. no babies and the idea of not being a mother upset her. However, she was pushing those feelings way down in hopes of never having to come to terms with that reality. Nope. Her eyes closed tightly because the visual behind her eyes was nothing that she had even wanted to think about for even half a second. Ugh. That just sounded both terribly gross and just like rotten luck. "I.. I can still get pregnant? Really?" she muttered, more or less in an annoyed moan. Her head shook and she rubbed over her forehead to attmept to calm herself. "Well.. Okay.. condoms always.."


* Jesse Fforde grins, though it's one of those strange kind of grins that has something else hidden behind it. A personal truth that he won't share with Leyla. Condoms always. Even when the other person doesn't want to and strangely, that causes some kind of ******* idiotic rift. Jesse just nods. Yes. She can still get pregnant and it's not ******* pretty.


* Leyla shook her head, rubbing over her eyes now. "Well, thanks for that Jesse.." she muttered, looking towards the hall where her bed was. Anything really, to find an excuse to run and hide now. She was still seriously embarrassed and she couldn't help it.


* Jesse Fforde knows she might have been thanking him sarcastically, as if it was an image that she might not want. He lifts his gaze from the flyer, which he still hasn't really read properly, and narrows his ice-cold-blues at the female. He considers reiterating that he's goddamned serious. But he thinks she gets it. So he nods. "I'm full of gems of wisdom. Ask anyone," he says, trying for that grin again.


* Leyla had been looking off away from the man. Oh god, this had taken a turn for the worst. Well, not really because it was great information and something she needed to know but talking about the vampire birds and the bees just made her remember just how much of a virgin she was. Letting out a sigh she turned to look at him while he talked. Then of course, he made her laugh and her body shook with the force of her amusement. "Yes, I'm sure they whisper it at every corner of the City." she giggled, relaxing again in her seat near the man. His joke had a calming effect. It wasn't something she should feel shame for. He didn't shame her. He was informing her.


* Jesse Fforde doesn't know, of course, how virginal Leyla might be. Looking at he, he wouldn't imagine in a thousand years that she would be a virgin. Though, he's quite insensitive to that kind of thing. He lost his own virginity at a tender age and it was to the girl next door. Only a couple of years older than he was, at the time. Which was younger than Leyla, at least he assumes. He tries to maintain seriousness. "Oh yes, they do. I'm very well renowned. On all subjects. You need only ask," he says. A lie, of course. There's plenty he doesn't know and he's not afraid to admit it, either.


* Leyla laughed at the man and her head shook slowly side to side. "Yes, of course, Jesse. Ooooof Course." she laughed, smiling at him again with both teeth and fangs. Leaning back she turned in her seat to grab her folder and her laptop. "Well, while all the sex advise was youknow.. great.." she tried not to blush. She cleared her throat as she situated her folder over her laptop and tucked them both back under her arm. "I should get back to studying.." she was trying, as hard as she could to avoid talking anymore about the boys and the girls and the nasties.


* Jesse Fforde scoffs. "That wasn't really sex advice. I have plenty more where that comes from," he says, already reaching for his sketch pad to continue where he had left off; though he had also heard his phone rumble a minute or so ago, down there on the ground, so he'd no doubt check that, too. Probably Victor, responding to a message from earlier. "Don't study too hard. Remember to have some fun, too," he says with a very obvious wink.


* Leyla had walked herself right into that. No, she more or less nose-dived herself into that. My god, was she so naive she didn't even see that coming? She stood then onto her tall heels and moved the laptop and her folder over her chest. With her arms crossed to keep the items there she shook her head at the man. Nope, nope, noope. "No thank you, Jesse. A million times... no." she muttered, wincing. God, she was stupid. As she walked away from him he winked at her and then she just shuddered. "Jesse, you're terrible!" turning away to walk quickly to her room. Goodness, no.


* Jesse Fforde rolls his eyes to settle back in the couch. If he was one for shouting, he might have shouted that it was good to know he was so damned repulsive. But he manages to chuckle to himself, too. Of course, imagining all the things that he and Grey had got up to. Grey, who had been a virgin until he got to her. Though she had made him wait a very long time. He checks his phone, shoots off a reply, and turns the page of his sketch pad. He'd decided to start on something new.

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

<Jesse Fforde> [Text] Clover. I sense anger.
<Clover> [txt] Jesse. I sense mistakes.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] you haven't met her yet. How can you call her a mistake?
<Clover> [txt] Was this thought out?
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] How can a siring every really be thought out? She was a meal and she was supposed to die but I got interrupted. I don't kill meals just because I don't want them to remember. I do it, too, because just a single bite cab instigate a turn.
<Clover> [txt] If it makes you feel better, you can call her a surprise.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] a surprise?
<Clover> [txt] That's what optimists or people in denial would call what's really a mistake.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] whatever you may think of my actions, don't take it out on the 'mistakes'.
<Clover> [txt] I think you need better control of yourself before we can't fit into the damn house.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I'll invest in a bigger house.
<Clover> [txt] I was serious.
<Clover> [txt] Stop siring these ******* people, Jesse. I haven't run away but I'm not okay with this.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] what harm is it doing? Honestly? I like to be surrounded by family.
<Clover> [txt] Then surround yourself with the ones you have and stop dragging in every jerk you come across in the streets.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] don't you think I've tried? No one is ever around. I'd like to organise family events where more than three people show up, and where it doesn't just descend into awkward silence.
<Clover> [txt] And bringing more people into this will solve those problems. More people will suddenly make it okay.
<Clover> [txt] Why can't you be happy with what you have? Why can't you be happy with who you have?
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I am happy with who and what I have. Wanting more doesn't mean I'm replacing anything or discounting anything.
<Clover> [txt] How many more do you want? Is there ever an end?
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I'd turn the whole city if I could. And I'd die for each and every one if you.
<Clover> [txt] I don't even know what to say to you.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] tell me how exactly I'm failing anyone.
<Clover> [txt] You need limits. You told me you would try to control yourself. You're a liar.
<Clover> [txt] You're a big ******* liar.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I did try. I failed. People fail sometimes. I'm sorry for breaking that promise. But is there any other way that I fail anyone by bringing more people into this family?
<Clover> [txt] You've made it clear you'll thrust everyone at us.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I don't thrust anyone anywhere. What do you mean by that?
<Clover> [txt] That's what you do every time you make a mistake. You get the feeling of that big happy family and we have to accept it or shut the hell up. If we don't like it? Don't talk to the person. How about you take some responsibility in that case and suck it up. You tried not siring? Try harder. Stop disappointing me! How about that.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] You have seen how I get when I don't, haven't you?
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I don't want to be that person.
<Clover> [txt] And I don't want to condone this behavior.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I wish I could promise you that I'll stop. I do. It'll be worse for us both if I do. I keep going and I make you angry. If I stop I sink into a pit of despair do deep that I want to die.

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

<Jesse Fforde> [Text] it sounds dramatic. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just stating a fact.
<Clover> [txt] So I should give up and accept it because obviously you have.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] When faced with the alternative, I don't know what else to do. I push everyone away. I lose all self confidence. I have tried, numerous times, to kill myself. If that's what you would prefer, Clover, then sure. I'll quit.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I don't do it for shits and giggles. I don't do it to amuse myself. I don't think about it. The opportunity arises and I don't stop myself. When I do stop I turn into a person I don't like. People don't believe me when I try to explain. They call me weak and pathetic. They call me emo and a girl. So I try not to go out, to see anyone, to not burden them with that person and then they complain because I'm too distant. And I should have come to them for help. Do you see how contradictory that is? Can you try to put yourself in my shoes?
<Clover> [txt] Do you like yourself now, Jesse?
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] is this a trick question?
<Clover> [txt] It's not a trick question. I mean it. Do you like yourself now.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] Yes.
<Clover> [txt] Are you happy with how things are right now? With this cycle.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] with what cycle?
<Clover> [txt] You sire. You're fine. You're not fine. You sire.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] Sure? I'm not sure what you're asking me.
<Clover> [txt] You said you'd turn the whole city if you could. If you could stop the depression and the need to sire, would you still feel the same way? Would you still want to turn the whole city if you could?
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] No.
<Clover> [txt] So let's figure out what the **** is wrong and fix it.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I'm not sure where we'd start. Any suggestions?
<Clover> [txt] Have you asked around to see if anyone else ever went through the same thing?
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] Not specifically. It was made quite obvious I had a problem in andras and nobody stepped forward. Beyond our own family, I don't know anyone else.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I could ask Doc.
<Clover> [txt] He's a loon, but do it.
<Clover> [txt] I'll see who I can ask too.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] Thank you. You're the first to actually... Thank you.
<Clover> [txt] You're welcome. I do care. It gets lost in translation.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I care too. Just so we are on the same page. But I'm serious. No one else has been so... Proactive.
<Clover> [txt] If you were okay with how things were, I would have left it alone...
<Clover> [txt] Even if you didn't mean it, you made it sound like I had the choice on whether you would stop siring and suffer through major depression and suicide attempts. Flattery will get you places.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] I'm not okay if other people are unhappy, no. I'm not sure how I meant it. I've said it before, that I need help but no one knew how. Or no one was willing. Obviously I didn't ask the right people.
<Clover> [txt] You didn't. Obviously I'm better.
<Jesse Fforde> [Text] Clearly.