The Heart of the Matter [Paige]

[Jesse Fforde]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

<Jesse Fforde> Jesse finds himself visiting Larch Court once a night, these days. A habit, a routine that he has fallen into because, somehow, even though she hasn't complained about having to feed, he wants to make sure Grey doesn't have to deal with that particular aspect of being 'undead'. And so he wakes, visits the Eyrie, checks in on Tytonidae goings on, fills up on spirits, and then traverses the city in search of his lover. Half the fun is in tracking her down, rather than just calling. Larch Court is always his first port of call. The bike's roar diminishes as he parks out the front. Keys jangle in his hand as he saunters up the path. More often than not, the lights are on inside. Whether someone's there, of they've just been there, it doesn't matter. He knows the place is in use. He saunters through the front door, clad in jeans, a diesel tee, and a leather jacket. Sharp eyes glance around, curious as to who might be home.


* Paige had not been visiting Larch court very much lately. For one thing, she and her sire had begun making amends and she didn't feel so anxious, so she was able to stay out. For another thing, she wanted to give Jesse and Grey space. And lastly, there was a girl of her own who the raven haired vampire had been spending most of their free time with. Tonight she had dropped in for a shower and a change. She didn't imagine Nishaa liked her girlfriends smelling like sewage. After that was done, the raven haired vampire sat watching television and letting her hair dry. She heard Jesse's motorcycle, then the keys. "Good evening," she called hoarsely to whoever it was without looking up.


<Jesse Fforde> "Evening!" Jesse calls; it's almost amusing, hearing he and Paige in conversation. Though Paige's voice is a bit less material than his, it still sounds like a conversation between two very heavy smokers. Or some weird cat/dog hybrid. Before Jesse settles, he wanders through to the room where the bunks are all set up. Convinced that Grey is not there - or is not there yet - he wanders back to the lounge room. He peels his jacket off and drops it over the back of one of the armchairs, before dropping down onto the couch beside Paige. "What are you watching?" he asks, popping his feet up on the coffee table. Obviously making himself very comfortable.


‹Paige› She pointed to the show. It looked like a crime scene drama. "I do not understand what they are saying half the time," she complained. "That woman there talks too fast. Is my hair alright?" She couldn't see herself in the mirror and didn't want to embarrass herself when she went to stalk and attack Nishaa. She muted the television so they could hear eachother rumbling like Tom Waits and a very timid, quiet, female version of Batman.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse turns to face Paige and scrutinizes her hair. It's always the way with women; you never know how to answer. You never know what they're asking for. What constitutes as 'alright'? Jesse had never been the type to go for women who spent hours preening every day; he didn't like dead straight hair, with not a tuft out of place. He likes Grey's style, the way she messily throws it all up in a bun - though he prefers it out, luscious, over her shoulders. In order to make no mistakes, Jesse seeks to clarify. "What do you mean by 'alright'? What do you want it to look like?" he asks.


‹Paige› Paige had simple needs. "Just, not like a swamp monster." Hers was braided behind her, with a strand in the front she could never capture. "I do not want to disgust Nishaa," she added with a sideways glance at her sire's sire. He had probably seen on the Andras family forum, how Nishaa was interested in her. They had talked it over, and once Paige was finally convinced that it wasn't a cruel prank that a beautiful woman was interested in her, they had decided to go official.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse had seen it on the forum. It hadn't really surprised him; had made him happy, actually, to see Paige settle so easily into Andras, to see her welcomed so thoroughly. He'd already commented on one of the back-and-forths between Nishaa and Paige. He already figured something was going on. "In that case, looks great," he says. He could have said fine, but he'd learned by past experience that women seemed not to like the term 'fine'. As if that isn't ever good enough.


‹Paige› Paige was not like most women, but she did appreciate the sentiment, especially from her sire's sire, who she respected more than her sire and slightly less than her sire's sire's sire. If she knew her sire's sire's sire's sire, she would probably respect them even more. Because she was a weirdo. At any rate, Paige smiled. Seeing her smile either meant someone was about to get hurt, or Paige was happy. "Thanks."


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse nods. He watches the silent TV for a long beat or two, before turning his attention back to Paige; he'd let it go, hadn't sought Paige out to find out the whole story, because in the end he'd decided that it would making an anthill into a molehill. But, seeing as he had her here, he would ask, just out of curiosity's sake. "Hey - so, there was an Altaire gathering a while back. I have heard two conflicting stories about how the Andras topic was treated. How was that, for you?" he asks, deliberately not elucidating upon the two sides that he had heard - wanting to hear what Paige has to say without causing any bias, first.


‹Paige› Paige liked Andras very much. The people there were carefree but not obnoxious, and they were inoffensive to Paige, even the man who acted a bit like a woman. Paige was boyish, so who was she to judge? Her orange eyes grew far away as she tried to remember the gathering. "Oh yes. Strix was wearing that sexy miniskirt. Hm. I brought up Andras. Someone asked me if I'd really joined, I said yes. I asked Phoenix if I could still be in Altaire, and she smiled and said of course. Then Calix turned into a lion." It had been a good evening.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse arches a brow. He nods. He's not one to gossip, and so he keeps his thoughts to himself. All he offers is a grunted 'Huh,' before shrugging his shoulders. He shakes his head. He doesn't understand people. He doesn't understand why one person would tell a completely different story, make it sound like it was far worse than Paige herself admitted to be. Unless, for some reason, Paige was being untruthful. But why should she be? Deciding once and for all to just let it go - and to perhaps think a little less harshly of Phoenix - he changes the subject. In a way. "So you're enjoying Andras, then?"


* Paige nodded, "Yes. It is... different." Different wasn't a bad thing. "Altaire can be judgemental of one another, things can become heated at the parties. And Fforde is wonderful, but very quiet. Andras, is busy, and do not seem to fight very much. You made a good choice Jesse." Her orange eyes looked at him again and lit up a bit when she smiled.


<Jesse Fforde> "It wasn't really my choice," Jesse says, pondering. He took her comment about Fforde at face value. There isn't much that he can do about making it less quiet without siring new vampires - and he supposes, given time, it might end up as boisterous as Andras. With his specific curse, he needs to sire or otherwise spin into a dark, suicidal depression. Siring seems to be a painless thing to do to keep himself from ever visiting that place again. "I mean, I didn't seek to join - I was asked. And I didn't make the choice for you, either. That was your decision to make. Of course, it was my choice to say yes..." he says. He's going around in circles. He clears his throat. "I've never really had much of a family before, you know? And I feel welcome in Andras. Comfortable. Appreciated," he says. "I'm glad it's the same for you," he adds, with an equally bright smile.


* Paige nods slowly, thinking of what she knew of his family. He'd had a brother, who he loved dearly and lost, just like Paige had lost her adoptive sister. Out of the trauma and horrors, it was nice to find a kindered spirit who just wanted peace and acceptance like her. Her family was only growing. Suddenly Paige had a selfish thought. "Jesse. How do you know when it is right to sire someone?"


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse laughs. Slow, almost unstoppable. At first he assumes she's talking about a specific someone - as if he'd gotten to know each and every one of his progeny before siring them, gauging whether it was time or not after he'd got to know them. Only afterwards does he think she might mean something different. He stops laughing. "Oh, do you mean how do you know you are ready to sire someone?" he inquires.


* Paige nodded. She had very specific needs and a childer of hers would be expected to walk a thin tightrope. On one hand, Paige would be hard on them until they had earned her acceptance. Onthe other hand, once they had her acceptance, she would be fiercely protective and supportive of them. The question was, who wanted a murderous psychopath as a sire? Even if she hid it from them, it would get out eventually. She hadn't murdered in a while and it had to come to that eventually.

[Paige]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse falls into silence as he ponders the answer. He thinks about the first time he sired - Felicity. Why? It was a spur of the moment thing. On a whim, he'd wondered whether he could, and what it might be like. He hadn't put much thought into it at all. And it's been like that with all of them, mostly. A want, on his behalf rather than on theirs. The only one who hated him because of it was one that he himself hadn't chosen. Aria. Swept up off the street by Micah and Velveteen to test a theory. He cants his head to the side. "It's up to you, really. If you feel knowledgeable enough, comfortable enough to bring someone over, then you're ready. You've got to be able to control them, and you've got to be able to teach them what they need to know. If you can't, we end up with rogue vampires, and that's not good for the Masquerade," he says, keen eyes falling on Paige's face. But, she works for the Groom Centre. She knows this already. "If you think you can do that, then you are ready. And that's if you want that kind of responsibility," he says. "Honestly, I'm probably not the best one to ask..." he says, wondering whether he should describe to Paige the exact nature of his affliction.


‹Paige› Of course she had to ask. "Why not?" Paige knew all about the importance of the masquerade. If she had her way, all humans would be blood cows for vampires, forced to submit to their authority, but that was impossible at the moment. Maybe in a few centuries, maybe longer, but for now it was prudent to wait and keep the existence of vampires a secret.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse takes a breath that he doesn't need and re-arranges himself on the couch. He crooks a knee, and turns to face Paige, one arm up over the back of the couch while his back rests against the arm. "Remember when I posted to the Fforde Crownet to say that I was sort of... out of commission? That you could call me but you couldn't see me?" he asks. Had he explained any of this to any of them, yet? He isn't sure. "Did I tell you anything about why?"


‹Paige› Paige nodded, "I remember." He'd called her to check up on her. At that time, it was a gesture Paige was not used to, and it had meant a lot to her. She kept facing the TV except for her head, which tilted over to watch him. While the rest of her was still, it made her look as lifeless as a mechanized doll.


<Jesse Fforde> She remembers. She doesn't say whether he told her anything about it - he assumes he hasn't. He licks his lips. "Well. I'm not sure... you might have noticed. But I wasn't in a very good place. I was... I thought about death a lot. I... realised I could visit the Shadow Realm without dying, and I was there all the time. Whenever I fell asleep I wouldn't actually fall asleep. My longing for death would instead take me to the Realm, and I liked it. I wanted to stay there. I got myself into a whole lot of ********. One Tytonidae fight night, I got myself so beaten up that one final blow could have sent me there. Micah could have done it, but he didn't. And then, when I was locked up in the Eyrie, it was after an...altercation with Phoenix. I pushed buttons I shouldn't have. She stabbed my eyes out - I was blind, helpless. Kind of. And I was so close... so close to taking my own life, then, but I didn't. Velveteen and Micah were with me throughout - they'd talked to me about my attitude. They figured out what I couldn't - it had to do with my siring habits. They brought me a human, some random off the street. Forced me to turn her, even though I didn't want to. I thought they all hated me, see. I thought I was a failure, as a sire, and I didn't want that again. I didn't want another person to hate me, to walk away. But I did it. I turned her. And it all went away. All the depression, every desire for death, visiting the Realm every time I closed my eyes - it all disappeared. I HAVE to sire, see. To keep myself balanced, to keep myself normal. So - I'm not the best person to ask. It doesn't matter if I'm ready or not. It's an addiction for me. A high. Better than sex, almost. I do it on a whim," he shrugs.


‹Paige› Paige was thoughtfully still as she listened to him talk about the event. She probably should have guessed that he was in a dark place from the time they hunted together and he blew up the place, but at the time she had just been relieved to find someone who understood that compulsion. She had been thinking only of herself that night, and Paige felt guilty for not realizing sooner what it had meant. She was not expecting the depression to be caused by his need to sire. Paige pushed all of her curiosity down for the moment. She would speak to the vampires Jesse mentioned about the incident's details. "I understand," she rumbled instead. "When I make humans suffer, their screams feel better than sex too."


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse laughs. "Yes, well. There's that, too. Don't get me wrong, I love a good slaughtering. But siring?" he shakes his head. He doesn't know whether it's the same for everyone, or whether he just feels it at a heightened level. He smirks, as he recalls the way it was with Grey. He knows he'll never be able to top that. What he shared with Grey, he'll never share with anyone else. Ever. But regardless, on a less sensual level, maybe, siring is ... he releases a breath. "You form a bond with a person. It's got something to do with power, I think - that you have the power, within you, to change someone's life forever. It's your blood that does it. It's your blood that runs through their veins. And when they take it from you, you can feel it," he says, his fist thumping against his chest, "As the bond forms. You can feel it, like an invisible string connecting you to them. At least... that's how it feels for me," he says with a sheepish smirk. He's never really told anyone this kind of thing. No one's ever asked.


‹Paige› Paige thought that was incredible. "That must be why Axel wants to mend things between us," she whispered. They still disagreed about many things, but in the end she was his blood, and she was sure he had pride in her. "But you have to sire all the time," she said, "Do you feel like that degrades the experience?"


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse shifts a little in the chair. That, no doubt, is the reason why Axel wants to mend things. And he knows it's the exact reason why the lack of his childer actually being around highly affected his own depression. Whether he'll admit to it or not - or actually show any affection in regards to it - he is severely attached to all his childer, no matter how much others tell him that he can only do his best. Sometimes they don't last, and it's not his fault. But he can't help but want to shoulder the blame. Being highly insensitive to being sentimental, however, Jesse doesn't really show it, much. He shakes his head. "I don't think so. It's been the same with all of them - bar Grey, of course," he says, with a twinkle in his eye. "But the experience has been the same. I assume only time will tell," he says with a shrug. "And this isn't to say that it'll be the same for you. It might not be. It's just how it is for me, and I can only really speak from experience. Perhaps ask around - see what it's like for others, and then maybe you can gauge for yourself when you might be ready," he suggests.


* Paige nodded gratefully. "I'll ask," she promised him. As for his condition, Paige found herselfwanting to solve Jesse's problem. "It might help if you sired bad people, then made sure they died the next morning. Gangsters. Thieves. Nobody who would be missed by the rest of us."


<Jesse Fforde> "Maybe," Jesse says with a shrug. He himself doesn't see it as much of a problem, per se. None of his childer are bad people. He doesn't regret siring any of them - maybe except for Aria, but she was never his choice to begin with. He regrets that they don't feel the need to stick around, but there's not much he can do about that. "I'm not sure it would work. It's an instant connection. Unless they give me a reason to kill them - I won't want to," he says. Given that the absence of those he had sired was the main cause for his despair, he wasn't sure killing new-borns was a good solution. "I think it has more to do with the connection than with the act itself, see? Perhaps once they have grown independent of me, the connection wanes. I'm not sure. But I know that when around Axel, or Grey, or yourself or Ursula or Renee, I felt better. In myself," he explains.


‹Paige› "Being a vampire is stressful, we get shot at, we have to hide, and work for our next meal. Of course family makes us feel better," Paige told him with a nod. "And I feel the same."