Relapse into Madness
Posted: 26 Apr 2014, 01:16
04/25/2014
Today was OK, I managed. I can feel my sense of reality slipping though. I can feel my mind blossoming again. My therapist warned me about this happening, I thought becoming what I am now, what Jesse turned me into was a cure, would fix me. That however was a false hope. Perhaps I have been lying to myself this whole time. I don't know, I haven't told anyone about my diagnosis though. Some would think I am simply Bipolar but a person is never just simply Bipolar. Its manageable with medication sure, but the medication stopped working a long time ago.
I am manic, I know this, I know my disorder. It is the reason I became a psychologist and took a few extra studies into neuroscience. I wanted to help others, to be able to work on finding why this happens to people. No matter what I do though this never goes away, this side of me is always there, always hiding away in the dark.
I don't mind not being medicated, but others might care. I know this could all go horribly wrong, I am aware of all the risks. Now though, after all that has happened there is nothing I can do to stop this. Today I held a conversation with a wonderful man, he was intelligent and so very helpful after a half hour into the conversation I realized he was a hallucination. I have to wonder what people may think when they realize what I am, how very different I am. I don't think I can hide it much longer. Soon, very soon someone will see through my mask.
Today was OK, I managed. I can feel my sense of reality slipping though. I can feel my mind blossoming again. My therapist warned me about this happening, I thought becoming what I am now, what Jesse turned me into was a cure, would fix me. That however was a false hope. Perhaps I have been lying to myself this whole time. I don't know, I haven't told anyone about my diagnosis though. Some would think I am simply Bipolar but a person is never just simply Bipolar. Its manageable with medication sure, but the medication stopped working a long time ago.
I am manic, I know this, I know my disorder. It is the reason I became a psychologist and took a few extra studies into neuroscience. I wanted to help others, to be able to work on finding why this happens to people. No matter what I do though this never goes away, this side of me is always there, always hiding away in the dark.
I don't mind not being medicated, but others might care. I know this could all go horribly wrong, I am aware of all the risks. Now though, after all that has happened there is nothing I can do to stop this. Today I held a conversation with a wonderful man, he was intelligent and so very helpful after a half hour into the conversation I realized he was a hallucination. I have to wonder what people may think when they realize what I am, how very different I am. I don't think I can hide it much longer. Soon, very soon someone will see through my mask.