Eye Of The Storm

[Constance]

Sometimes she wondered if she made the right choice. It was too late to go back, but the doubt was still there. Being a vampire wasn't something that came as easy as she had hoped - especially with her family breathing down her neck. Dodging them wasn't going to be simple. She couldn't stomach the thought of someone telling her mother she was dead. The mere thought of the look of distraught on her face made the blonde's stomach twist into knots. No, she'd find another way. She had to.

Brushing a hand through her hair, she slowly crept up the stairs to her home. As far as she knew, Velia hadn't made her up a room yet. It was for the best, really. She had work to do and she knew the moment she had a place to call her own, she'd be throwing everything she had into making it just right. She supposed she was a tad manic in that department. Pulling the desk chair out, Constance fell into it and kicked her feet up onto the computer desk, careful not to smear too much blood on whatever Saige and her sire had left behind.

Tilting her head, she rested it on the back of the chair and closed her eyes. When she had asked to be turned, she never thought of zombies and death. She just thought of living forever. Death, ironically enough, frightened her. She wanted to live forever, and she wanted to be young forever. She was sure there was a name for it, some other mental disease her father would shout at her, but she didn't know what it was. A lot of people feared growing old, but it was a crippling fear that she had suffered through. Now, thanks to Velia, she was cured of it. She'd never age, and she'd never die. 'Well, as long as I keep out of trouble,' she thought with a soft, amused chuckle.

She hadn't gotten off to the best start as a vampire. There was too much to learn, too much to assess. The killing wasn't easy at first, either. Even if they were zombies, and technically already dead, it hadn't settled well in her chest. It was behind her now, though. She was cutting through them without blinking an eye. Even the gangsters, the living, breathing humans - she didn't even bat a lash. If she were to be honest with herself, though...

"That's what you're for," she said under her breath as she fell forward, both feet slamming to the ground and echoing through the silent halls of the home. "If I have to be honest with myself, I might as well write it all down, right? Who knows, maybe it'll go down in history," she said playfully, quietly. Pulling her pen free of the journal, she opened it up to the first page, and stared at it. Just as her pen touched the paper, her phone lit up, and she quickly closed it. "Maybe another night," she chuckled, tucking the journal into a place she knew it wouldn't be found, before stepping through the portal and into the city.

[Constance]

March 23, 2014

I guess it's about time I wrote in you. I left all my other journals back home. It's not like dad gave me a lot of time to grab anything. Once he rules you're out... you're out. That's all there is to it.

I wonder how he's doing, though. Is he taking his medicine on time? He never did. I always had to be the one to give it to him, because he'd always forget - or say that he had no use for it. Maybe mom's taking care of him, though I doubt it. She's more flighty than I am. She couldn't even remember how to get home if I hadn't programmed it into her GPS.

I guess none of it really matters now, though. I can never see them again. I try not to think too much on that fact. As dysfunctional as they are, they're my family, and the thought of them being gone from my life leaves a heavy feeling in my chest. It was my choice, though. Secrecy above all else, right, Journal?

Okay, you need a better name than just 'journal.' We'll work on that.

I guess being a vampire isn't bad. I mean, I had been searching for years since Nathan disappeared. The fact that my mother started losing her mind when she began to age only fueled the fire. My search went from just simply answers, to finding a way to stop me from becoming her. So, the whole 'never aging' thing worked out. The men here aren't that bad looking, either, so that's another plus. I feel like I'm stuck in a cover shoot for a GQ magazine. Some of them do take the doom and gloom a little too seriously, though. I hope I don't end up as dark and twisted as them. I like enjoying life, not sitting back and waiting for something to come along so I can stick a blade into it.

I guess it worked out so far, we'll see.

[Constance]

March 28, 2014

I'm being followed.

I wonder if this is how V felt when I was watching her. The paranoia, the fear. I feel like I can't do anything right. I've been starving myself, and I'm afraid to leave the house. I know I have to, I don't have a choice. I have to go about my business, right? Whoever is out there watching me... they'll be suspicious otherwise. I've watched enough crime shows to know that. Okay, that's a lie. I've glanced over the shows while I was doing something else. I could never really get into those shows. The men were never good looking enough for me, honestly.

Focus, Constance!

Oh, great. It's gotten me to the point I'm talking to myself in my journal. If V or Saige ever find this, they'd lock me up for sure. If it ever gets to that point. I can't believe I've already let them down. What am I going to do? He's out there. I see him everywhere. He's following me, but I can never get close enough to know who it is or why. I've kind of hinted around to some of the people I've met, asking if it's normal, but they all respond the same. No one follows them. They can't allow that to happen. Secrecy above all else.

I don't know how I'm going to handle this. The hunger is clouding my mind. I can't think straight. If I don't eat soon...

Valon. Maybe I could ask him. He'd know something, right? I mean, he seems interested enough. Maybe he'd take care of the problem for me before it's too late. He could bring me something to eat, or he could find this man and kill him. It's kind of his job, yeah? He is a killer. I just wonder what he would want in payment for it.

No, this is something I have to handle on my own... and quickly.

[Constance]

April 11, 2014

I'm most definitely being followed.
They don't think I can see them, or hear them. It makes it easier to dodge them.

How much longer, though? I need to figure out what they're doing here. Why they are after me. I thought it was paranoia at first, just another onslaught of emotion to make me forget who I was - but then I saw him.

I could call dad, tell him I'm fine. Tell him to call off the search, but would it work? Would it only put them in further danger?

Ugh, sometimes being a vampire sucks. Hunger, psychotic break downs, and now fear that I'm going to get my family eaten. Was it all worth the trade so I wouldn't age?

... Now that I think about the wrinkles and crows feet, yeah. Yeah, it was. I don't want to grow old. I don't want to die.

It was worth it.
I just need to figure out how to fix it.

[Constance]

October 26, 2014

I'm back.

I don't know how I'm back or why. I wasn't ready to return. I never wanted to return. I had hoped suicide would have been a permanent thing. If I had known this would happen, I would never have considered it. I would have tried to fight through it. Maybe by now I would have been fixed. Maybe I would have been healed.

At least I have Kyrian, now. It's amazing how someone that was a stranger before I died would be my Hero now. He found me the Realm released me and took me in. We might not know each other that well yet, but... there's something there. I'm not talking love and marriage. It's just a connection.

Speaking of Kyrian, Altaire isn't so bad. They took me in as well, and they're actually a family. They help each other. Things got a little crazy there for a while and the emotions were too much, but I just know if I had said something, someone would have helped me. Maybe I can talk to Phoenix later about it. The highlight of the evening wasn't my shutting down. It was the way Freyja tried to push Kyrian and I together. Does she see something we are missing? I mean, I can't see someone putting that much effort into getting two people together if there was nothing there.

Not that either one of us are ready for it. After what I went through, I don't know if I could ever date again. I'm not trying to be cliche, Journal, but it's as if I've been completely destroyed from the inside out. I had to fake it through most of the night by moving through the motions, doing and saying what Old Constance would say. If I hadn't, New Constance would have been on the floor with her gaze straight ahead. She would have been shut down, afraid of every move and every voice that spoke her name. New Constance is too weak still - or maybe I've always been weak.

All of my thoughts are still too jumbled to put into words, Journal, so you'll have to excuse me. Maybe I'll figure it all out in the next few days. All I know is that this could have been so much worse. I could have come back alone. Now, I have Kyrian and he has me. I don't know, but I think we can do anything together. He's the friend I've never had, someone that actually gets me and understands what I need. It doesn't matter if I don't know his favorite color or his taste in music yet. All that matters is that I know he has my back. Maybe returning won't be so bad.

As long as I never see his face...

[Constance]

October 28, 2014

It's too much.
It hurts too much.
I shouldn't be back.
I shouldn't...
I need to forget him.
I need to forget her.

I need to forget them.

[Constance]

November 28, 2014

It's been exactly one month since I clawed my way out of the shadow realm and back into the world of the living. One month since everything in my life changed so drastically. I had no intentions of ever coming back, but something had called to me, something I couldn't ignore. It started in the back of my mind and slowly crept along until it took complete and full control of me. Now, I'm glad I gave in.

If I hadn't, I wouldn't have met him. Kyrian. I could write for hours about every little thing he does or says that makes him one of the most amazing people I have ever encountered in my life, but the words wouldn't do him justice. From the moment I laid eyes on him in the middle of my street, I knew. I knew that he would be someone that I could never escape, someone that was meant to be in my life. I could feel him. I used to hate it, being able to feel everything another was suffering, but with him...

It's different.

His darkness, the shadows that twisted through his heart so tight and claimed his soul... they were comfortable. It was something I understood, something I knew too well. We are both so broken down but the hands we've been dealt, those we trusted the most with our love. From the moment our hands touched, though, something told me the healing process was going to begin. I was right.

It's been a month now, and we've both come so far. I can't - and won't - speak for him completely, but I can feel the difference. The man that used to hide in his apartment and never utter a word had come out to face the city with me. It's so good to see him out, to see him able to actually be social without wanting to break into a thousand pieces. I know it's hard. It's still hard for me. I'm always worried I'll turn the corner and have to face the very things that sent me into a downward spiral to begin with.

I don't fear it as much as I used to, because I know he'll catch me, but I still don't think I'm strong enough to look Velia or Valon in the eye and have my heart not crack. I don't know if I'll ever fully be healed from the damage done. How can someone completely overcome the very thing that caused them to shove a blade into their heart in order to escape? They can't. I do know, however, that with Kyrian - and the family he has brought me, that wonderful, alive, hilarious family - I'll be able to live my life without suffering every moment I'm awake.

[Constance]

November 29, 2014

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never

Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never

I never thought there would be a day when I could say I was done with him. It wasn't until this morning I realized I had been done with him the moment I found my way from the realm. I had clung to the memory of what put me there, to the man that I had been lead to believe he was. Now, looking back - he never loved me. I think he believed he did, but he always loved her more. He'll always love her. I can accept that without that crippling despair that once took me over. He betrayed me in ways that I will never forget, but how can I move on to happiness if I don't forgive? This doesn't mean that I never wished for him to suffer, but even though I'm accepting the truth, I don't wish him happiness. At least, a part of me doesn't.

A lot of this revelation is to credited to Kyrian. He has shown me things I have not seen in a man before. My father never loved with such devotion or loyalty when it came to his family. Nathan was too young to know the true meaning of the word and V... well, we all know how that ended. With a literal knife through my heart. Kyrian, though, he can raise me above the pain and make me believe again. With him, I'm able to open up and be myself without being afraid of that crushing blow.

Altaire isn't bad, either. Phoenix is someone that I can look up to and admire. She has a lineage, a good man and a great strength that not many possess. The family she's created is welcoming - even if on the quiet side. Or maybe Freyja, Kyrian, Sence and I just talk way too much!

One last thing...

I saw him again last night. It was like ice down my spine. I don't know if I should tell Kyrian about it. What do I say? 'Hey, I've been followed for months by someone I don't even know?' It could be nothing, but it could be everything. Maybe I'll wait until I know a little more.

I mean, it can't be too bad if I confront him myself, could it?

[Constance]

December 1, 2014

Last night was... interesting.
Not only did I see someone in lion form, I was able to crush Blake's skull.
Of course, he had asked for it. I got a new blade out of it, too.

The one thing about it though, was witnessing how Kyrian reacted. I've never had someone so... protective over me in my entire life. When he found out that we were contemplating demonstrations on limb removal, I thought he was going to have a melt-down. I don't think I know how to handle such... emotion. I'm not complaining, not at all. It's just all so new and raw to me.

Freyja is back up to her usual tricks, but now I've figured out her game. She focuses on Kyrian and I so she doesn't have to face the fact she's losing her own heart. No, that's not exactly right. She's not losing her heart quite yet, but the possibility of it is scaring the hell out of her. I can't blame her. When you've been hurt so bad, how can you open up another time? It's too much risk. I used to think the same thing, but sometimes, you can't fight it. You try and you try, but what's the point? You're going to lose. I'm there now.

I'm done fighting whatever is happening.

I'll either rise high or I'll crash and burn. I've endured that pain once before and I thought I was done for. The thought isn't exactly a welcomed one, but it's one I'll face when the time comes. I just have to convince her to do the same with pretty little thing she has her eyes set on.

I've been back over a month and Velia still hasn't come to check on me. I really don't even care anymore. Even if she did, where would I put her? I've been given so much from Altaire, I just... I don't have the time to open old wounds and deal with them all over again. No, she's found herself put on the shelf with my parents and stuck with a 'not worth the tears' label.

I know for a fact I'm still being followed. I don't know why and I don't know by who, but I keep feeling eyes on my back wherever I go. I still haven't spoken to Kyrian about it. After last night, I don't know if I should. If he got like that over something like that, I fear for what might happen if he found out I was in real danger. Besides, nothing has happened worthy of note yet. I could just be paranoid and it could be nothing.

Time to get back to work.

[Constance]

December 8, 2014

'Once you've been hurt, you're so scared to get attached again. You have this fear that everyone you like is going to break your heart.'

I never realized how true that statement was until recently.

When I was with V, it was a whirlwind. I felt as if I had lost my mind. I had no idea which side of him I would get when I saw him the next day, or what would happen. He was possessive, dominant, arrogant and cold. I wanted to believe he loved me like he said, but I couldn't find it inside of him. He seemed to forget, time and time again, that I was an allurist. He was everything I had thought I wanted in life, but he was the very thing that took the life out of me. He pulled me down a dark path, so when he left me, I was crushed. I felt as if I couldn't function without this domineering man at my side. I thought there would be another for me.

...He broke me.

And then there was Kyrian.

I want to believe what everyone is saying about us. I want to believe that we're perfect for each other, I want to believe that he could never hurt me. We're not rushing into anything. I mean, how could we? He's as scarred as I am, but apart of me wants to. Apart of me wants to take him by the hand and pull him in, tell him that it'll be okay, that we can get through it. We just have to take that step. I know it, and I know on some hidden level, he does too - but I don't. Why don't I? Because that fear is there. Fear that he will reject me, even though I know he won't.

I don't think he will.

There is a brilliant road ahead of us, but heartless people from our past are keeping us standing still. I know, I know. The only way to overcome it is to just take that step. There's something about him that I know if I let myself, I will fall so deeply, so madly, I will never be able to find my way out. I don't understand what it is, but it's almost like he was made for me.

And that makes it all the more harder.