Path of the Vampire forum

[transmission recorded at 12:14 am 16:03:2014]

Writing is creating. Conception is thinking and writing is a form of birth. I don’t know whether it’s by caesarean or if it’s a natural birth, only that by writing down one’s thoughts you’re giving them substance. Forced or not, it’s a way of moving forward and it seems as though I feel I need to move forward.

Unexpected things have occurred lately. Alongside very strange, very vivid dreams, I’m talking more with that man… I… don’t know why. And now I’m writing this… or rather, I’m dictating it… I can’t remember the last time I actually physically came in contact with a computer or [transmission disrupted] or such… Anyway, it’s here, it’s happening and my mind is such that I need some form of record to remember it. I have been unable to recall moments of my own past lately and that worries me. All I see is the future now, mixing in with moments of the present.

It’s getting harder and harder to distinguish these moments… I’m… worried about these day dreams and night dreams. I’m… worried about what they mean and where they come from. Is this some form of premonition… am I descending into madness… is this some form of manipulation by some external force… or is this my mind’s way of guiding me forward?

Perhaps it’s none of these things. Perhaps I can’t conceive what it really is.

So what do I do? Is it dangerous not to act? I think it’s pretty dangerous to move forward really… What if I’m wrong about the Dark Place? All I hear is gossip, witness testimonies and opinion. These are not facts. These are not [transmission error] perspective can change everything.

It would seem foolish to risk one’s very existence on a chance. However, what do I have to exist for?

[transmission ended at 12:18 am 16:03:2014]

[transmission recorded at 12:33 am 16:03:2014]

He called me noble. It’s not nobility that drives me per say… obligation drives me… curiosity drives me… these basic things. I want to give them something because they gave something to me. They gave me somewhere to live and they’re nice to me. Lady is especially nice, but we disagree on things and I think she needs to open her mind more… I think. I don’t know her that well, but she has given me plenty to love and I have given her… nothing… balloon animals and flowers do not count I think… she requires something more… substantial…

[transmission ended at 12:35 am 16:03:2014]

[transmission recorded at 12:47 am 16:03:2014]

That dream I had about my death… that was enlightening. I used a different word earlier… I don’t remember which. Vasik found it interesting I think… after he found it concerning that is. Was he concerned because he was my murderer or was he concerned because I was killed? I doubt any repercussions could rise from my fall… he shouldn’t worry about such things… so why does he worry? He cares, I think. And… it makes me nervous.

The next dream worried me more. I fell asleep and woke in the Dark Place. I… I can’t describe it in words, what I was looking at, only the impression that remains with me now: I’ve never known darkness like it. And there were… things… I don’t know how to describe them either. But they hunted me and I was forced to find shelter in this shady, foggy reality of a city. Rather reminiscent of Constantine when he visits Hell, only Hell there was orangey and this is more, well, it’s midnight blue.

Each… ‘day’ before nightfall I would have to find shelter in one of the city’s buildings and defend myself, keep the doors closed until everything went silent and completely black. Not like the shadows of the Dark Place itself, but blacker than black… blacker than the oblivion behind your eyelids in the deepest abyss of earth.

In the way one imagines the eye of the storm passes over you, this sweet and terrifying emptiness passed as well and when it did, I exited my shelter and went on the search again… I didn’t even know what I was searching for… I just couldn’t stay still and that sound… My God, that sound. It [transmission error] like a power plant… so much pressure on the ear drums… Was I running from that sound, from that darkness or was I running to something? I still don’t know. I don’t even know why I knew I had to find shelter in those moments… it was just something I knew… I… just… knew…

[transmission ended at 12:54 am 16:03:2014]

[transmission recorded at 17:10 22:04:2014]

Cazzo! What am I saying?! I don’t even know…

Abruti… Abruti Myk. Why are you so stupid? Why do you say such stupid things?

Qu'est-ce qu'il pense?

Merda!

I shouldn’t have said that thing to him. He will think I’m crazy…You are crazy. No I’m not. Shut up.

[transmission ended at 17:12 22:04:2014]

[transmission recorded at 17:20 22:04:2014]

Vasik… Ti amo… Mi ami? M'aimes-tu?

[transmission ended at 17:20 22:04:2014]

[transmission recorded at 11:31am 04:06:2014]

I’m still thinking about papa… Am I worried about him? Seems awfully strange to be worried about someone you despise… but it’s funny how hate works. Don’t you think?

[indiscernible voice]

It’s cruel, ya know? To entice someone into loving you and then ignore them, abuse them, abandon them, and just as they’re about to hate you, make them love you again. Do you know how hard it is to love someone and hate them at the same time?

[indiscernible voice]

Well of course not. You wouldn’t… Life must have been pretty perfect for you up until now. And then I came along… and… ruined things. I do that a lot… Sorry. I guess. I guess I’m sorry. Although I’m sure, beneath the guilt, behind it, beyond it, in front of it… I’m pretty tired of feeling guilty too. Sometimes you just can’t help [transmission error] and it always ends up being the same anyway… Ya know?

Ha. Why am I even talking to you? Go away. I have too much to think about and too much to do…

[indiscernible voice]

Like what? Hmph… I dunno. I don’t really know… I keep forgetting what it is I have to keep doing, but…

[indiscernible voice]

[transmission ended at 11:37am 04:06:2014]

[transmission recorded at 19:56pm 16:06:2014]

It’s so quiet… Ya know? I’m talking to you, but I’m not even sure if you’re there. I just felt like talking to myself I guess… out in the open… on record. Why? I’m not entirely sure. Just so that it feels real, so that I have a record of it, I guess. I keep forgetting things… even forgetting to write them down, but I can talk for hours so this seemed appropriate… or hellish. One of those.

Robert and I have become friends. Yes, Mr Pratt and I. He’s so nice, it’s a shame he won’t come out of the Dark Place. It feels like it’s a matter of will rather than ability, don’t ask me why… I just feel these things and assume they’re correct. One shouldn’t assume, I know, but I can’t very well ask him… It feels like I’ve done enough in the way of probing… Well, sort of.

Oh damn, well, I shouldn’t think that way about him I suppose. One might accuse me of having father issues… That might very well be true. My father and I have always had a strained relationship… I’ll just put it on the list.

Myk’s issues are as follows:

• Delusional
• Cannot distinguish between reality and fantasy
• Has extreme mood swings
• Can be dangerous
• Obsessive
• Paranoid
• Irresponsible
• Unsociable
• Untruthful
• Ego-centric
• Poor judgement
• Poor attention span
• Commitment issues
• Assumes too much
• Father issues
• Poor memory

I think that about covers it. I added ‘poor memory’ just to cover my arse on the fact that I keep forgetting things, but if I remember any more of my problems, I’ll be sure to add them to the list. That is, if I remember to add them to the list…

Do you know what else is strange? I keep thinking about my mother, mia madre. I am trying to keep my Italian fresh… though it’s not easy. I keep thinking about phoning her, to have a nice long chat about nothing at all… Only, I remember that my mother and I have never done such a thing. If it’s true that I have father issues… I don’t know what to say about my mother. She’s… distant. I’m not too fond of approaching people with the knowledge that I’ll be turned away. I… know it’s a stupid fear or feeling to have, but I guess I just hate rejection. Ha. Who doesn’t, eh?

My mother and I… I think we have nothing in common. Call it paranoia, but I get this overwhelming sense that she doesn’t like me. That can’t be so strange, can it? A mother hating her own child? It can’t be that strange… I refuse to believe it’s so abnormal that it can’t possibly be true. While it might be true that I am simply misunderstanding her intentions when she is so… distant… I don’t know why else she would be so cold with me. Ordinarily, when someone is cold, aloof, and despondent toward you, it’s normally because they don’t like you… Right?

Oh I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud and it might not necessarily make any sense. I just feel so… hurt. There are other causes for that, I know, but I don’t know what to do with those other feelings… the other reasons for my feelings. I should just cut him loose I suppose… It would be easier in the long run. If these feelings were to get any more intense, why, I might not survive them. I’ve never been suicidal and I most assuredly don’t want to. I will tell him… eventually.

Vasik… ti amo… Mi ami? Apparently not.

Well. I guess that’s that. Maybe I’ll put a phone call into mia madre… What the hell.

[transmission ended at 20:39pm 16:06:2014]

[transmission recorded at 22:42pm 24:09:2014]

I think it's working... The little light is on showing it's working. No, I don't think it's been so long that I have forgotten how this equipment works. Though, I have forgotten many things. Many, many things...

I'm so embarrassed.

Why has my memory become so much like dust? Barely able to contain anything remotely substantial?

There must be something wrong with me. But. I don't think I have the time to try and figure it out. And my head still hurts from the other night... Ok, not the other night since it was nearly a week ago. A week ago in a couple of hours...

I turned 26.

I hadn't been so happy about a birthday before. It was nice to have people to invite to a party. I still ended up drugged and drunk, so, rather fitting. So nice to feel again.

All my favourite people were there. Well. Not all. Some.

Robert was there! He was so handsome... Temperance with her hugs... The Lady with her smile... and her husband... Simone with her pretty face... I invited others, I know I did, but it's something of a blur. I can't remember if Jezebel was invited... I'm a terrible person.

Oh! And Ripper was there of course. He stayed with me nearly the whole night. It was... unusual for him. Do I sound ungrateful? I don't mean to. I meant that in a good way! It was nice, for once, to forget that people do not cherish you for as long as you are useful to them. I like to forget that. It makes life so much easier to bear...

But Rutherford... You were not there that night. Or, at least, I don't remember you being there. You can be so quiet and so translucent that it is almost impossible to tell!

So what else is there to say?

Uh...

Hmm...

I don't remember. I might as well switch this thing off--

[transmission ended at 22:51pm 24:09:2014]

[transmission recorded at 16:26pm 07:11:2014]

I feel so out of sorts lately, as if apathy has taken over me and I don't know what I am doing half the time.

I exist on autopilot.

It's so strange.

I should do something to rectify that...

[transmission ended at 16:27pm 07:11:2014]

[transmission recorded at 16:10pm 28:03:2015]

You're a giant pain in the arse. And not in the good way.

[indiscernible voice]

I'm recording this because you seem to have it in your head that you will repeat to me the same things. Over and over. But if I record you. You don't have to, right? I can just flick the button and listen to your wild accusations and cursing without you wasting breath... or... whatever.

[indiscernible voice]

What? Why not?

[indiscernible voice]

Let me check. Hang on.

[transmission ended at 16:12pm 28:03:2015][/quote]

[transmission recorded at 16:13pm 28:03:2015]

Well ****.

[transmission ended at 16:13pm 28:03:2015][/quote]

[transmission recorded at 22:19pm 14:04:2015]

I've had so many headaches lately and I think it's the fault of that damn Wraith...

Rutherford.

That's what it calls itself.

No family name to go with it.

Just. Rutherford.

I wish it would tell me more so I could learn more about it... well... maybe I could understand it better.

Rutherford doesn't talk to me any more. It just talks at me. Complains and it whines and it bitches about the decisions I keep making until its words swirl inside my head like a hurricane. Destroys everything!

And I'm sad too because I feel a little... well... lonely.

That's a little pathetic I suppose. I should be busying myself with focusing on my plans, but I can't help it. I could contact any number of people that I am friendly with and I am sure they would chat to me a while, but, I do not want to.

In the mood that I am in, I would not want to talk to them.

I need... fresh blood. A new perspective.

I will go out and see what these little eyes can see.

Goodnight little tape recorder thing.

[transmission ended at 22:24pm 14:04:2015]

[transmission recorded at 21:14 am 22:04:2015]

There is something new and different happening in the city right now. It calls my attention, reminds me of those talks Mr Ripper and I used to have about the Dark Place and The Rift.

We don’t talk too much nowadays, but I don’t think that means we have drifted apart. Mr Ripper feels, to me, more open with me now than he ever has been. I’m very grateful for his friendship.

Still. He does annoy me.

I leave him messages and follow him around and he acts as though I’m a Wraith he cannot see. I wished that he would help me investigate these strange goings on in Harper Rock, but he’s probably distracted with investigations of his own. Or other things… Other annoying things…

C’est la vie.

I guess I am just frustrated. I found a thing. One of those things. It emanated with dark energy, I don’t know why I think ‘dark’ but I guess the colour of it rather… well… coloured my opinion. It was very dark – midnight blue. Reminded me of those dreams I had about the Dark Place. I don’t get those anymore. I don’t remember the last time I dreamt of anything in fact.

**** it. I’m rambling.

This dark thing… I looked at it and sniffed it and walked around it, but I couldn’t determine anything useful. That Administrator thing tells us to jab our blades in or shoot at it, but that’s rather like sticking your dick into a beehive isn’t it. You don’t know who’s going to be more surprised about that encounter… you or the bees…

So I didn’t do that.

What I did was reach out with my hand and try to see how deep the hive actually was, figuring a physical examination would be more telling than a blade. I’m not afraid of a bee sting to the hand and if something worse were to happen, it’ll grow back. I’m not worried about it. Anyway, when I went to touch the thingy, it went all crazy. All that energy… I felt it rush through me in a cold wave and then…

POOF!

Gone!

Bye, bye!

And that was that.

I tried airing my worries even with DC, but… it’s like a ghost town there. I won’t give up on them, though. I have decided to keep an eye on these dark things and see where others might turn up. If I find them, maybe I will be able to investigate them a bit more before the damn thing poofs again.

[transmission ended at 21:54 am 22:04:2015]

[transmission recorded at 23:37 am 22:10:2015]

I always start these things saying things are strange, but I think I am starting to see the patterns now.

Things aren’t strange.

They have never been strange.

I’ve just not been able to understand them before…

I may not be able to decipher the atom-details of everything, but I can see the bare-bones of things. I see how people are and I can recognise patterns of behaviour. It’s all a matter of assumption and until one has the facts, all they really can do is assume.

Assumptions aren’t bad things anyway. It’s just about making the best of what you have and trying to assign some meaning to your experiences.

Making assumptions about others is always seen as rude, however. People find it offensive when you ask them questions and make suppositions about their lives or why they react the way that they do.

But people are tricky. Complex.

People never tell you the whole truth of the matter.

It’s not because they’re liars, exactly. They probably just don’t know what is really going on with them and their confusion… well… it often leads to hostility.

People are hostile when they are afraid. Unsure. Insecure.

I’ve learnt this from experience, from study… Thousands of years of recorded history has taught us this as a species too, but I don’t know how far to relate Human science and Human knowledge and history into what the world truly is.

I mean, back when you study the Human psychology, the endocrine system, the physiology of a person, you’re not really taking into account that the laws of physics are flawed.

By everything we understand, what I am cannot be and yet here I am. I exist. I sit here and talk into a recorder and you could hear what I say if you play this back. So if I exist… Humans are wrong about all they’ve learned and it calls into question our… well… it calls everything into question.

Bah. I am getting so very philosophical again. It’s a waste of time… Nobody cares. Why should they even?

I’m alone with my thoughts again. It’s exhausting sometimes… to be so alone…

[transmission ended at 23:45 am 22:10:2015]