Mountain or Molehill?

[Abigail (DELETED 4656)]

Ok, so I thought I might start keeping one of these things because there is no way I can keep all of this sorted in my head right now.

What. The. ****.

That's pretty much what my brain is screaming at me almost 24/7 now. I have so much to do, so much to focus on, so much weight. Or am I making my own weight? Is my desire to please Jesse the main reason I feel like I'm wearing a metric ton worth of chains right now? I feel like...he needs someone to be there for him. He's there for me and Axel and everyone else but who does he have to lean on when he feels weak? I know he looks strong all the time and I would even go so far as to swear that the man is impervious to emotional or even physical harm but...can that actually be so? Is Jesse so cold that he doesn't feel it anymore? No. No, he feels. I know he does. I've seen the way he looks at me. I remember the way he would look at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the world to him when he drew me. I know he feels but I don't know what he feels. If I push to try and get closer to him is he going to push me away? If I don't do anything is he going to think I simply don't care? Where do I find that middle ground? I'll tell you where you find it Abigail, you find it in being a proper progeny. You make him proud. You stun him with your intelligence and skill, you stagger him with your beauty and you slay him with your wit. This is how you fell the giant. And then you nurse it back to health and you make the giant realize that you are just as strong as it is but in different ways. Being the 'good girl' doesn't always pay off. Maybe I need to play a little ***** to get a bit further ahead in this new life.

There is just WAY too much going through my head right now. I need to focus on one thing at a time. One issue a week or month or whatever. For right now I'm not going to worry about what people think about me. The only people that matter right now are Jesse and myself. From now on, I set a goal each week. I work my *** off to reach that goal and the next time I come back to write I reflect on that goal and I look back on my progress and what it took to reach my goal.

Current goal: Practice Thievery for Lions. Let him know how it went and how I like it at the beginning of November.