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Memoirs of Unspoken Devotion
Posted: 22 Jul 2011, 12:48
by Loki (DELETED 496)
Flecks of dust clung to the Italian leather book cover turning the warm, even brown of the material a pale sickly grey brown. The 8x10 booklet was bowed with both age and handling leaving the aged pages mildly distorted. A slightly unevenness in the distortion left the book slightly opened. A loose sheet of notebook paper jutted from with in it. Tucked away between the first and second page. A reminder of what could have been and what was being worked at. Said paper was held in place by a single skull and crossbone sticker. The handwritting of a child, possibly no older than ten years, decorated the fading blue lines.
I’ve always wondered, when the time came, what would I include in a note like this. Would I make my last words lengthy or would I make them short? Would I take the time to make mention of the important people of my life both good and bad? Or will I simply tell you how I decided to kill myself? To be honest, as I’m looking at my equipment, all laid out neatly before me, I still haven’t decided. I suppose I could start with apologizing but to who.
Surely not you, mother. Conniving *****. I’m not sorry you’ll have to deal with finding my body and arranging a funeral. Perhaps that’ll get you away from under that charlatan of a boyfriend long enough for you to pay attention to me. Yes attention. I know how far fetched that may be for you but you do still have a son. You know, the one you used to spend every day with, every night. We were a lovely pair before he came along. And I despise that I am expected to share you with him, smell his cologne on you when you come to hug me. Its called taking a bath after you two have swapped saliva, you nasty whore. I hate you mommy dearest.
But not as much as Doctor Sheldon. So smile and rejoice. I’ll be in hell hating someone more than you. Or maybe I’ll roam the lands as a ghost haunt you both. That would be something interesting. Oh how I hope for the latter. That way whenever the good doctor goes to prescribe more of these disgusting pills, he’ll remember me. Remember his failure. I stopped taking those pills by the way. They’re in a container right now waiting for me to guzzle them down with what bleach remained in the house. HAH! And you wouldn’t guess where I learned to hide the pill so well. That’s right, your LOVELY boyfriend taught me. I think he knew all along what I planned on doing. Maybe deep down he wanted me to do it but don’t think for a moment that I’m doing this because of him. He’s just as shitty of a person as you are. Always away, always half assing your commitment to me. Yes me. I’m the baby. Me. I want the ******* attention.
I just….love you guys so much. I can’t begin to tell you how much. Do you understand that? I don’t want to share any of you with any of you. I want to fill your heart, your mind until there’s no more room for anyone else. Is that so much to ask for? I thought not. Why don’t you love me? Are you all planning to something I don’t know about? Another child, another patient for the good doctor maybe? Oh no.....we can't have that. I won't let you.
29/08/2005
Hello Blaar,
They said I should name you so that is what I going to call you. I really wanted to call you ‘blah’ because that’s what you make me feel. I never wanted a diary. Its like the dumbest idea I have ever heard of but I suppose its to be expected. Mother found my note to her. And even though its over a year old, she took me to therapy and the good doctor again. I guess it shows that she cares but really, a year? It took over a year for her to find it. If I still wanted to kill myself, I would have done it by now, don’t you think? Bah, why am I asking you? You’re just an inanimate object. You won’t answer, you won’t judge, you’re just there. The most I’ll get out of you is trouble. They’re talking about sending me to an institute. I think its just them wanting to get rid of me. Can’t have me ruining the wedding with dying and whatnot. Wasn’t there a saying that a wedding is like a funeral? Maybe I could put some rat poisoning in the punch. Or eye drops. I’m not allowed to kill myself but I could very well kill everyone else. I don’t need them. I don’t.
Why does your silence feel condescending now. You don’t think I can make it without them? I could. I know how to cook and I know my mother’s PIN. So that’s food and money taken care of. So you can just take your silence and shove it Blaar. You don’t know me or what I’m going through. I bet you’ve never had to share your mother with others. I mean you most likely came from a cow and a tree of all things. Do you think that the mother of the cow you came from and tree cut down to make the pages I’m currently marring will mourn you? They’re probably a hamburger/table combo right now. Sucks for you really. It really does….
I mean my mom will always be there for me. No worries about me getting taken away to take role as someone’s meal. No becoming furniture. If I die…she’d cry you know. She cried when she read my letter to her. I didn’t even write it to be honest. I vented to a friend and he took the time to bring everything together. I just rewrote what he wrote so that it’d be in my handwriting. He’s smart you know. Always teaching me bigger words than what the teachers would. I really have him to thank though. When my mom read the letter, she broke up with her boyfriend at the time for like a week. A whole week, I had her to myself but a week seemed to breeze and drag by. I missed him and she missed him and I hated them both. Why aren’t I enough for them? Its ridiculous and I hate it. They don’t understand though. They’ll never understand. But you do, don’t you Blaar? That’s why you’re my only friend. You’ll always be my only friend. Even when your pages run out.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30/08/2005
Hello Blaar,
I met the most beautiful girl today. She came with my mother’s fiancé’s relative for my birthday party. She’s around my age with beautiful red hair. Its not natural, I know that much. Natural redhead’s hair are more of an orangey color I’ve found. Natural or not though, it was very pretty on her and bought out those big blue eyes of her. I wonder if it would be terrible if I asked her out? My mother is going to be marrying her uncle, I think. Wouldn’t that make us cousins? That’d be so unfair. Even so, I don’t think she cares. She gave me a kiss on the cheek before she left and said she was looking forward to seeing me again. Just remembering that made me smile. We’ll have to see what happens I guess.
On another note, the good doctor started my medication a few days ago. The pills are still disgusting but I guess it makes me better. I’ve noticed that my mom doesn’t seem as upset when I’m around. I’ve even caught her holding hands with Dominic during the party. To be honest I was happy to see that. I want her happy. I really do.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21/10/2006
Hello Blaar,
Its been a while since I wrote in you hasn't it? I guess I've been busy with everything that's going on. Mom is planning on moving to Canada with Dominic after the wedding. I'm actually really excited about it. He's asked me if I'd take his last name once mom marries him. I'm considering it. What do you think of Filip Tau Maritz sound? I think it would make my mom and Dominic happy if I agreed. I just want to make sure its something I want to do. they say the boys are the ones that carry on their family's name. If I'm my dad's only son then what about his family name? I don't remember much about him but I know I don't want to just let the Brouwer surname die out. If I remember to write in you, I'll let you know what I choose to do.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11/02/2007
Hey Blaar,
So we don't have cable right now but that'll be taken care of later. Mom is out with Dominic, his brother and his brother's wife. Just an adult night out I think. They left their daughter here. The one I told you about with the red hair. She's playing my video games right now while we wait for our parents to come back. Blaar, she's more beautiful than I remember. I really mean this. She let the red grow out of her hair so its a dark mohagony. I think I like that just as much as the red. It makes her eyes look like clear pools. Gorgeous. Her name is Carmella. Named after her grandmother on her mother's side. She doesn't care to much for the name so she's asked me to call her Carmen instead. Naturally I do what she asked. How could I not when it makes her smile to hear me do it? I'd do anything to keep her smiling. I hope she knows that.
Well I have to end this. She wants me to play with her the next round.
----
Looks like you and I will be spending a lot more time together. I'm grounded. That means no television, no video games, no phone calls, no going outside. Just you, me and whatever books I can find. Of course you're probably wondering what happened. Well, I don't know how to say this but after we played that one round, Carmen and I sort of started playing around. I don't know how we went from playing but the next thing I knew we were kissing and her hands were pushing down my pants. I could lie and say I didn't know what she was doing but I won't. I knew exactly what she was doing and I didn't stop her. I didn't want to. Her hands felt...so good. And the rest of her... I just get goosebumps thinking about it. The only shame was that our parents came home before we could finished. I've never heard Dominic yell so loudly. My mom yelled too and so did Carmen's parents. They yelled at me mostly even when Carmen told them she was the one that started it. I guess its a normal things for boys to start stuff like that? I've never really thought about it. Oh well right? Its not like I'll have a chance to try again. Carmen's mom and dad don't want me anywhere near her and mom's not exactly excited about me keeping female company. You'd think they'd be happy that I'm even interested in girls. Apparently not.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12/02/2007
Hey Blaar,
Dominic called me a ******** this morning. It was in Afrikaan but I knew what he was saying and so did mom. She didn't say anything to him. Not a thing. Does this mean they don't love me anymore? I didn't think that what I did was that terrible. I apologized twice for it already but no one will listen. I'm staying in my room from now on. I don't want to see their disgusted looks anymore. Mom didn't even bother to make sure I had my medication. I know I did something wrong but I'm still their son I'm still their baby, right? I wish you could talk Blaar. You'd know what to tell me.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13/02/2007
Hey Blaar,
If you're wondering, I'm running away. That's about all the information I can give you because I won't be taking you with me. Carmen is coming with me though. We're going to run away together and she told me to only take what we think we'll really need. Clothes and whatever money we can get. I've got sixty dollars of allowance left over from last month so I think we'll make do. We just need to hold out until we both turn sixteen and then we can get a job. Two years isn't that long to wait if we're careful. So I guess this is good-bye.
Re: Memoirs of Unspoken Devotion
Posted: 22 Jul 2011, 16:27
by Loki (DELETED 496)
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24/09/2008
Hey Blaar,
I know I said in my last entry that it was good bye. God, I wish it really had been. We managed to escape for three weeks, two days, five hours before we were found. If it wasn't for the fact that you're just a book, I'd accuse you of telling them where we were. That wasn't what got us caught though. We were well on our way to starting our new life. I'd found a building for use to spend our nights in. No spiders, no rats, no hobos just like she wanted. It took me days to get it ready for her, for us. By then she was already crying that she wanted to go home one minute then pleading not to go home the next. She even told me she was pregnant and that if I made her go home that her parents would force her to abort the child, our child. I couldn't have that happen. So I stuck it out for her even though I'd run out of medicine by then but she wouldn't do the same for me. She found some other guy, older guy, who offered to let her stay with him. She told me she was going to take up the offer and that we had a 'nice run'. So for a night I was on my own before she convinced the guy to let me spend a night there.
I took the offer though I'm sure now they wish I hadn't. I don't take kindly to sharing. Even if what I was sharing was nothing more than a whore parading around in an underaged body. At the time, that body was housing my unborn child. That body was mine but had forgotten. I reminded her, Blaar. With a container of Drain-O, I reminded her and her mistake just how much Carmen loved me. She can't live without me and I wouldn't let her. I made sure that when she'd look in the mirror that she would never be reminded of how I'd always smile when her eyes turned to me offering a flash of blue. I made sure she'd never think of me when she sat brushing the wavey curls from her hair. I made sure and I made sure he was to blame. This was about a year ago, you know. And they still haven't found her body.
Know why?
Because she's on my shelf in a jar. That's why. She's mine and she loves me. She'll always love me. Just like you Blaar. You're not like mom and Dominic. They sent me to an institute after only being home for a day or so. They think I'm dangerous but they have no way of proving it. I stayed there, took my medication as I was told and they let me go home. That still isn't enough for them though. They still treat me as if I'm the scum of the universe. So I've stopped taking my medication and I've reserved a spot on my shelf for them both. They've forgotten they love me and I'll remind them.
- Nylon Rope
- Sulfuric Acid
- Latex Gloves
- Bleach
- Tarp
- Duct Tape
- Gasoline
- Lighter Fluid
- Lighter
- Jar (160 cu.inches)
- Ammonia
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26/10/2009
Hey Blaar,
Mom blames me for Dominic leaving. Doesn't she realize I'm all that she needs? I love her unconditionally. I love her to the pont that it hurts. But she doesn't see that and she doesn't care. If she did, she wouldn't be out all hours of the night with some guy. I hate it. She's such an inconsiderate *****. All I've done is want the best for her. I'm clearly what's best. I'm her son, damn it. It should be evident but its not to her. Its not and I need to show her what she's doing to me. What she's doing to us. What do you think I should do? God i wish you could talk. Answer me or something.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30/12/2009
Hey Blaar,
I couldn’t do it. I had my chance and I couldn’t do it. You have no idea how frustratingly depressing it is to hold the knife to your throat and be unable to take that cut. Just one cut and I could have ended it all. Mom wouldn’t have gotten home in time. Even if she had, I’m sure I would have been too far gone for anyone to do anything. I would have told her it was her fault with my last dying breath too. Because that’s what it is. She’s all I have and she doesn’t even care. Why doesn’t she care? She’s in the kitchen right now on the phone with Eric. Oblivious as always. She doesn’t even know that where she’s walking back and forth would have been where my blood would have stained the floor. I should have done it. I should have done it. It would feel so good to know that she’s suffering just as much as I am. ****.
----
I pushed her. Blaar. I pushed her. We were arguing about the date she had arranged for the night and I just…I couldn’t let her go. Why waste her time? She knows the guy will only be around for a few days at best and just be gone again. And then what? She’s just blame me for it again. Her neck was at such a terrible angle at the bottom of the stairs. I didn’t think she’d get hurt or anything. I just wanted her attention. I wanted her to stay with me. It would have been so much easier if she just stayed. Why don’t they ever stay? Why aren’t ever enough. Its not fair. I hate her. God damn it I hate her. She got what she deserved so it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. Lying *****. Look what she’s done. I’m getting water all over your pages and now I have a body to get rid of.
I don’t even have a proper jar ready for her.
----
She wasn’t dead. Can you believe it? I can’t. the paramedic says that she has a broken wrist, sprained ankle and maybe a few broken vertebrae. it’s a miracle that she’s even alive. I’m so happy. I’m going to go with her to the hospital to make sure everything’s alright. I’ll come back later with whatever news they give me.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
02/01/2010
Hey Blaar,
They said mom will have to stay at the hospital for a while. There’s some swelling that makes it almost impossible for them to determine whether or not she’s paralyzed. She did wake up for a little bit to tell the doctors that she must have slipped. I feel kind of guilty for pushing her. I mean I wouldn’t have if she had just agreed to stay home but I shouldn’t have hurt her. I should have hurt Eric and I have every intention of doing so. Its his fault all of this is happening. She asked him to stay with me while she’s in the hospital and he agreed. It was nice of him but he couldn’t leave it there. He just couldn’t. He had to be greedy and offer to take care of her once they let her home. That’s my job. MINE. I’m her son. I’m her baby. Not him. But its okay. It’ll take care of him long before they even consider sending her home. I just have to bide my time.
Until then I guess I can entertain you with another topic.
School. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it before. Not that there’s much to talk about. I’m in my junior year of high school. And a year from now I’m probably going to still be in it. I miss a lot of assignments. Mainly because I don’t understand the material I guess. There’s that condescending silence again you seem to give off. Are you sure you’re just a book? It’d be awesome if you were more than just an inanimate object. I don’t keep many friends because they say I’m clingy ‘in a creepy’ way. I can’t help that I hold my friends dear. You’d think they’d appreciate having someone that will do anything for them. I really wish that was the case. Oh well. I have you right? And soon I’ll have momma all to myself.
I kind of wish I could just tell them to screw off, you know? For some reason I can’t though. I need to show them I care and I need them to show they care in return. Sometimes it creeps even me out but what can I do about it? I could start taking my medicine but I don’t think I need it. It doesn’t make momma as happy as it once did so that means the good doctor needs to prescribe me something else, right? I think so.
Re: Memoirs of Unspoken Devotion
Posted: 09 Aug 2011, 14:00
by Loki (DELETED 496)
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12/02/2010
Hey Blaar.
Sorry for the sloppy handwriting. I‘m still a little weak from some things that have happened. I still can’t believe it and I’m the one that lived it. Eric and I have been spending a lot of time together. He says that I shouldn’t be left alone after almost losing my mother. How considerate is that? It surprised the hell out of me but I was still skeptical, you know? This was the man that had been slowly taking my mother away from me inch by inch. I should have hated him but he…he was offering something I’d wanted for so long. Affection. So in the week or so it took me to write this article I had told him about Carmen. Not my killing her but how she betrayed me. He was sympathetic. Said that ‘women were tricky creatures and most couldn’t be trusted’. Now that I look back on it, I think he’s right. My mother, Carmen, neither one of them couldn’t stay committed and strayed. Now look where they are. Mom may never walk again and Carmen is still comfortably located on my shelf. But at the same time men are the same. Look where things went with Dominic. And the good doctor? I haven’t seen him in months. Mom can’t keep up with the appointments obviously and though I’m seventeen now, I’m not authorized to reschedule anything.
So I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t trust anyone really. People are just too fickle and contradicting in general. So what else is left? Aliens aren’t real. And neither are those sparkly vampires that promise and can actually give you forever, right? I had thought so. It was that reason that I put my faith in Eric. Apparently he’s just as lonely as I am now that my mother is in the hospital. And he wanted me to help him get over this loneliness. And I did it without hesitation. Every night he was there until I fell asleep. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we just watched television. He was always honest with me. So when he came in one night clutching a gash in his arm and muttering about a run in with a vampire hunter, I believed him.
He was a vampire. How did mom miss that? How did I miss that? He explained that he had been careful to only schedule his outings with mom during the night and right before the outings he’d make sure to ‘feed’. That way he was never caught out in the sun nor was he running the risk of going into a frenzy. It was a well thought out plan and smooth running if it wasn’t for that one hunter. I wanted to be upset with the unknown person but couldn’t. One, he or she was already dead and two, I’d learned something new about my Eric. Yes, my Eric.
I tended to his wounds the best I could. He said he’d heal in just a matter of days but his stamina would hinder his ability to find nourishment. So I let him feed from me. He was careful not to take too much…or maybe he could only take in a certain amount at a time. I’m not sure. All I know is, in that instant, I felt so wanted…so important. So when he was finally healed, I didn’t want him feeding from anyone else. When I told him, he chuckled and called me his ‘coffin bait’ while he ruffled my hair in the way he knew I hated. It was okay then. He fed from me again and this time there was no pain. I goaded him on until I was lightheaded and his eyes bled into the color of liquid bronze. Then he left.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13/02/2010
Hey Blaar,
Eric didn’t come back tonight. What if something happened? Or he found someone else to feed from?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23/02/2010
Hey Blaar,
I went out looking for him. He was with some woman talking in a language I couldn’t identify. It didn’t matter who he was talking to just the fact that he didn’t come see me. After all, we had made a connection, right? In the books, vampires fall in love with their regular meal, right? Right. So I approached him with a bottle of gasoline to remind him of this. He wasn’t going to turn out like Carmen. His remains wouldn’t be wet and putrid. He’d be ash, a fitting state for a vampire don’t you think? And I would have consumed that ash so that he would always be a part of me. Always. Before I could get to him, the woman was on me though. I remember catching a glimpse of her fangs glistening wet in the moonlight. For a second I could taste my death with each jump of my pulse. Then she was gone. I’m not sure how or what happened after that. Things were happening to quickly for me to keep up. All I remember is that Eric was there with his hand pressed to my neck.
“It’s going to be okay.” Was what I think I heard but I didn’t understand. I didn’t think she’d done anything. I wasn’t in pain, I was just sleepy. So I went to sleep. I woke up in the hospital a day ago. So today is the 23rd. I wrote you last on the 12th. That’s….eleven days, right? Turns out she’d tried to tear my throat out rather than bite me. Her nails had nearly severed my jugular but…Eric saved me. That means something right? I hope so. I wasn't given the details as to what other damages was done so I'll have to get back to you on that.
Re: Memoirs of Unspoken Devotion
Posted: 09 Aug 2011, 16:28
by Loki (DELETED 496)
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25/02/2010
Hey Blaar,
Turns out I had lost a lot of blood and had to go into emergency surgery. I guess that should have been obvious but hey I don’t watch those life in the E.R shows. I have thirty stitches in total and was given three and a half pints of blood the night of the injury. I suppose I should count myself lucky but I don’t know. I don’t feel lucky. I go home today and so does my mom. I don’t want her to come home. She’ll change everything. The *****. Why couldn’t she have just died like a normal person? She’s even able to walk albeit with one of those walkers. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth so strong that I can’t look at her without glaring. So I’m writing in you in the backseat while she gets to ride in front with my Eric. I guess it should have been expected. Look what happened to Carmen. The good doctor. Dominic. She got in the way of any relationship I might have had with either of them and now Carmen is….
Carmen’s dead.
Dead.
dEaD.
Blaar, if she’s dead then how can she love me? The dead don’t love. The dead just rot. Why won’t Eric rot? He has no heartbeat. No pulse. He’s practically a leech. A big ******* leech. He’ll never love me the way I love him.
I feel nauseous.
----
I threw up all over the backseat and mom yelled at me. She called me a nasty ******** while Eric stopped the car to check on me. I don’t know why but I broke down then. I told her that I hated her, that I wished she’d died when she fell. I meant it this time. God help me, I meant it. She tried to beat me then but Eric was there. Eric’s always there. He held me until I calmed down and spoke to her while he did. I don’t remember what he said but it got her to calm down and leave me alone. When I could finally breathe past the sobs and aftertaste of regurgitated chalk dry chicken and string beans I ate at the hospital and my own bile, he rolled down the windows and continued to drive home.
Mom was taken to her room and I stayed on the front steps while he hosed out his car. I wanted to help but he wouldn‘t let me. He told me I should rest but I didn‘t want to. He was going to have to leave when the sun came up and there was no telling when he‘d be back even if he promised to return tomorrow. Tomorrow he wouldn‘t be my Eric anymore. He‘d be hers.
Everything ******* hurts but I know how to fix it this time. I‘ve always known and this time I‘ll go through with it.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
26/02/2010
Hey Blaar,
I would say that this will be the last time I write in you, old friend. My friend. You’re my only friend. I wish you were real so badly. You’d tell me everything was okay, right? You’d keep me from doing what I’m about to do. But you’re just a book. A ******* book. How ******* pathetic is that? Not you, of course. Me. Its not your fault I’m so emotionally dependent. I guess in a way I was fucked up long before you came around. I kind of want to ask mom when everything started but she’s napping and once I put you down, I’m going to initiate my plans. If I’ve timed it right, I’ll be dead by the time Eric gets here. If not, I’ll be seeing you in another week depending on how bad off I am. Is it bad that I don’t care which way this goes? I’ll be taken away from here either way.
----
I took 3 vicodin, 2 antisocial pils will a coconut and drip per ratio…
I dit no u cud bable wile you rite.
y is there string in my nek?Eric
-N-
Filip
4-eva
The jumbled journal log slowly dissolved into intermingling swirls, X’s and O’s. Three lines before the slightly warped paper ended, the line that finished off the very last X veered sharply to the left. The wavering line cut short as it left the page. The center of the page bulged slightly with the remains of a dried stain. The stain in question began as a vibrant red and slowly turned into brown.