Path of the Vampire forum

...Three Hours Til Sunrise::
...Hunkered down in a ruined apartment building::
...Thoughtful::

I've been contemplating death lately.

You could say, along with my strong, lingering human emotions, I still hold on to a strong sense of self preservation. If my "life" is threatened, I'm going to try and defend it. However, this doesn't stop me from thinking about suicide, like most humans wanting to end their pathetic existences.

No, I would rather not kill myself, either. Call it simple morbid curiosity. Since I am immortal, I can kill myself without fear beyond that of the Shadow Realm. More than likely, I will return.

Wouldn't this make suicide pointless for that of a lonely, depressed vampire? Poor guy...Hate to be him, right?

...Fifteen Hours Til Sunrise::
...Taking a stroll through the hospital::
...Thoughtful::

I've been thinking more about death...and religion.

In many religions, there is a place where sinners are cast off to after they die. A place of endless pain and torture, accompanied by fire and demons and all of the most horrible things imaginable (like "Friday" by Rebecca Black as torture music).

If that's so, what about that poor, depressed mortal soul who chooses to take their life because they can no longer bear the torment of the material world? By religious law, they are banished straight to hell...

Straight to endless pain and torture.

Isn't that ironic...?

...11 Hours Til Sunrise::
...Held up in Voodoo Cyber Cafe::
...Fuming::

At first, I thought this whole hacking thing was great. I mean, how cool is it to sneak into a system and do whatever you want with it? The fact that I've made money off of some of the files I've downloaded is just too freaking cool!

Until now...

I was previously at a different cafe trying to flex my skills. Oh, how those systems proved me wrong! I was getting my butt kicked by these programs one after another, back to back! No matter how many times I tried, I got the same result. Failure.

After twenty or so tries, I finally decided to give it up before my frustrations lead me to launch the computer across the room. To be realistic, I can't pay to break it. So, I sat down for a while away from the tech with my head down to try and be calm. When asked if I was okay by those very nice ladies (you know, the kind that offers you something to drink and eat if they don't think you're feeling well), I simply told them I was fine. I really didn't want to be bothered. I was just so angry!

I thought about it a moment and figured that maybe I wasn't skilled enough yet. I'm just a beginner, so it would be easy for me trip up and make a mistake. Yet, I did everything as I was taught, so maybe the systems have better security? This would just mean I'm even more unskilled than I started!

I sulked a little, I'll admit. I sulked and glared and huffed and wished I could will things to simply go my way, but I knew I couldn't charm technology even if I tried. After a while, I finally calmed down enough to where I decided I'd leave. Instead of going someplace to do something a bit more fun, relaxing, or productive, I found myself at another cyber cafe, hunched over another keyboard, eyes glued to the computer screen.

I hacked.

I failed.

I hacked.

I failed.

I hacked.

I failed.

I screamed.

I threw a fit.

I gave myself another time-out.

This sucks.

...8 Hours Til Sunrise::
...Wondering around Harper City Morgue::
...Queasy::

Note to self: Never come here again.

...1 Hour Til Sunrise::
...Chillin' in the Supermarket; Quarantined Section::
...Tired::

Not only was tonight the first time I've ever been in the sewers, but after being lead to the quarantined section of the city, I ran into...wait for it...

A zombie.

I know what you're thinking, "Rue, zombies don't exist! They're fictional creatures you only see in movies and hear in conspiracy and apocalyptic talk." Well, I'm not sure if it counts, but what about me? I don't exist either, by those standards.

Anyway, so this ugly, foul, decaying guy (or girl, I really couldn't tell) just came at me all of a sudden! I'm 5' 10" and 122 lbs. Do you know what I did? That's right, I sliced that thing to pieces. Piece of cake!

Now, I know what you're thinking, "But, Rue, weren't you scared?" Hell yes, I was scared! How would you feel if some dead creature was coming at you to...

You know what, don't answer that.

To make a long story short, I spent the rest of the night going Tallahassee on any zombie who crossed my path. Now, kicking zombie butt definitely wears a person out and drives up an appetite. I had spotted this nice looking supermarket through the split I cut in a zombie's head and decided I should grab a snack.

I get here, and guess what? Nothing. Not even a morsel.

Should I continue with the Tallahassee theme and gripe about Twinkies?

Nah, maybe another day. I'm so tired. I'm going to take a nap first before I go out looking for Sire. I may even share a few secrets, journal. Depends on my mood when I wake up...

...11 Hours Until Sunrise::
...Held up in the Oldtown Theatre::
... .......::

I haven't moved. This row of seats, once so comforting when first found, now has left my body aching. I lay here with my eyes wide open for fear if I close them and sleep I'll wake up to Asher's bloodied corpse hovering over me. Call me paranoid, but I'm haunted by it...

Honestly, I didn't know much about Asher. I had never shared a conversation with him. I knew it was Azraeth who turned him and I knew he walked the path of the allurist, which had first caught my interest in him. I don't personally know many allurist. In fact, I don't think I know any at all...not any that I've seen more than a few times, anyway. Still, this guy, Asher, was always the person to come to mind when someone mentioned an allurist.

That's right, I admired him.

He had plans, you see. From what I've seen, from what I've read, he took pride in being an allurist. He and Rebecca Quartermaine founded the allurist coalition in which shone like a beacon of hope to me, piercing through the darkness I had been stumbling around in. I had excited thoughts about learning my path and offering my services. You know, feeling of some use for once.

I told Azraeth, once, that I look up to Asher. Azraeth suggested that I like looking up to people. I told him that I only look up to the best of the best. Why do you think I look up to Sire so much? He's the most amazing being to ever walk this planet!

Still, laying here, the contradictory actions against the statement I made to Azraeth have been haunting me, gnawing away at me as if to consume my body whole so that I would be swallowed into the very Shadow Realm where Asher has been banished. The blade I used to cut him seems to burn a hole in my pocket, reminding me of how twisted I am. "Is this how you show gratitude for the people you admire?"

Why...yes...Yes, it is.

I never intended to aid in Asher's death...but Azraeth said it would make Sire happy. Sire would be proud of me. So, I had to do it, you see? I would do anything for Sire. I would die for him.

I haven't moved...
But the hobo down the isle is giving me a very strange look. He's creeping me out...

So, I think I'll go, now...

...7 Hours Until Sunrise::
...Mulling around a deserted bar::
...a bit giddy::

So, I've been moping. I'll admit it out loud because I'm not afraid it call it what it is. I've been moping like a kid who lost their lunch money or got their cookie stolen. I've been all longed faced for a multitude of reasons, but many are my own.

Still, all the silence and loneliness was slowly starting to drive me insane to where the humans who surrounded me started to congregate around me in hopes of cheering me up. "Smile," they say. "Chin up," they say. "Why so sad?" they say. "Are you okay?"

No. I'm not alright, but why should that be any of their business?

And there lies my first problem: I realize I am very suspicious of everyone around me. I can't help but think if someone knows something about me, they're plotting against me. They're going to blackmail me or turn me in to some kind of authority figure. Is it bad that I can never really trust anyone? I can't blame all those concerned folk, but I also can't come to trust in their care. What if its all a lie?

And this brings me to my next problem: I'm a liar. I lie to get what I want and I lie to get out of what I don't want. I lie to cover my *** and I lie to cover the asses of those in my favor. I don't lie in the intent to harm, but if I don't trust someone with the truth, then a lie is what they'll have to settle for.

I'm sorry...I think.

But anyway, besides all of that, I have gotten beyond my moping just a few minutes ago. You see, as I was scouting the quarantined section of the city for something to stab out all of my frustration with when I happened to spot Sire in some random abandoned building I walked into. I ran right over to him so I could greet him properly by shoving my hands into his pockets for loot. I came up with zilch, but I didn't care at all! Its just so amazing to see Sire, especially after so long to where I was beginning to wonder if he actually existed!

I'm happy right now, you know? I wish I could always feel this way.

...7 Hours Until Sunrise::
...Taking a stroll through the mall::
...I've got no clue as to what this feeling is right now::

There are a few things to mull through, but I don't want to get into everything right now. Just a few highlights:

1) I saw my sire again. I'd call that lucky, if anything. Its hard to get a glimpse of that man, and perhaps its my own fault that we are so distant? I'm not saying that I have to be up under him 24/7, but...well, I miss him. Perhaps I am far too attached?

Do you want to know a secret, journal? I crave the company of others. In fact, I'll be meeting up with Revenant later on just to have someone to talk to face to face.

2) After what seemed like eons, I finally hacked successfully! I reviewed Azraeth's guide and decided to give it a try. I can tell you now that I was so happy that I nearly cried when that file was transferred. I skipped straight to the nearest shop smiling from ear to ear like a big dope. I think I needed that, you know? That bit of happiness.

Yes, journal, I come bearing bad news. I think...I liked someone more than I should had. I know its silly to get caught up in affectionate thoughts of another person, especially in this shady society where kin kills kin under cries of treason (as if we were living in some kind of medieval time). I find myself to be so angry and frustrated that I focus on feeling that way opposed to feeling sad, because the fact of the matter is, journal, this person is dead. Not only are they in the Shadow Realm, but they are there for ever...an eternal rest.

That ********.

...13 Hours Until Sunrise::
...Some abandoned supermarket::
...Ecstatic!::

Azariel says,"Childe."

Rue says, "Homgwtf?!"

I'll always remember this day...