Path of the Vampire forum

[OOC: Anything in this journal can't be used against Aly unless divulged to them directly. No one will see this; These are her thoughts and her thoughts alone unless she feels the need to show them.]
Dear Diary,

The girl before you has been broken. A life begun with pain, death, rebirth and false promises, she finally saw everything for what it was...and has decided to move on.

Not to say that her old life, or the one before it were without merits. While she can't remember life as a human, she assumes it was a good one, a normal one, with normal friends and normal happenings. Of the life she does remember, there were high points: a beautiful marriage to a man she loved, the gaining of a new family, and the chance to live, to escape the hand dealt her in the life preceding it. But, as the saying goes...

All good things must come to an end.

The "beautiful marriage" was a sham, one that shouldn't have happened had she been thinking clearly. It was clear that her husband, now ex husband, hadn't truly loved her. He'd merely wanted to keep her tied to him, to have that backup when he felt a little lonely, when he wanted comfort only a woman can give. Had she been thinking clearly, she'd have seen it for what it was, and not bonded with him as she had. She'd have left him early on, not waited for him to deign to be with her. "That's what we women do; We wait," or so the quote goes from a book she read recently.

Well, this girl is tired of waiting. If all he claimed to have felt was real, he'd have put forth an effort. He'd have done something to convince her he actually cared. He'd have stuck around...Not killed himself. Anyone who truly loved another wouldn't even consider that. Not in her book.

The "family" she found herself in, while alright in the beginning, has since dwindled into obscurity and nothingness. After her sire's attempt to combine families with a psychotic vampire who had a bias against allurists, everything fell apart. Other siblings got lippy and were constantly fighting, her husband vanished as per usual, and other siblings fell by the wayside. What little comfort she once drew from this family disappeared. Even the sire she used to talk to seemed to vanish to be with her new beau. While said sire would later come to constantly tell her that she had never left, and was always there for her, actions spoke louder than words. When all you're obsessed with is going to see your boyfriend, talking about your boyfriend, getting killed by your boyfriend and, upon return, only wanting to see your boyfriend again...

Tends to say the opposite about the relationship you have with that person.

Since this grave fallout with everyone around her, she'd become a bit of a recluse. Only leaving her haunts to hunt, hack and track, she didn't talk to anyone. Didn't have the will to put on a happy face and socialize, the nagging voice in her head telling her she was wrong to try after her husband had died.

Until she met him.

A chance meeting on one of her sporadic jaunts, she met him at the art gallery, and almost dismissed him completely. Had it not been for the worry he'd do something stupid, she would have completely...Drinks were bought and given in cornucopious amounts, causing her normally cool exterior to crumble the smallest fraction. They shared a dance, after he coaxed her...She did have ulterior motives for said dance, trying to make him agree to not seek her out, but he twisted her words and, even after the dance, hung around.

At the time, she wanted to stab him for that...Now, she's grateful.

He had a lot of questions, most she skillfully veered back to him, offering up as little information about herself as possible. Took him ages just to get a name, and even that was only a partial. But it progressed. No matter how she tried to leave, he managed to make her stay. One drink and one dance turned into many drinks, dinner, and pool. In a way, it was almost a date, though she'd never admit it given her mindset to become asexual. She was of the mindset that it was time to move on, and to forget old ties, old hindrances, and keep to herself.

He kept her from that, in a sense, saved her from herself.

--

While I've been broken, dealt with my share of heartache and mental breakdowns, it's made me what I am, and I can only hope to grow stronger; To reaffirm my beliefs and get my head set on straight. Perhaps you'll help me with that.

Diary...I'm writing in you as a cleanse. You're new, unspoiled by my old wants and aspirations. A blank canvas for new thoughts, new dreams, new worries and new desires. I can't say what I write in you about will be interesting as my daily life consists of hacking, the occasional bounty, and other activities along those lines...

And, though I don't have anyone really to call a friend, save for the man I just mentioned as he's the closest I've got to one, to take up my time... I can't guarantee that I'll be writing in you much. I've never been one to journal, not really, but this will give me something to talk in, to vent at, to keep me sane when this life piles up and I need to get it out. A sort of constant fixture, if you will, that will always be there through the ebb and flow of my life, something to cling to should everything else go south again.

The last journal I wrote in only got, maybe, six entries at the most, but I wanted to start a new one, a separate one. One that would mark the beginning of my new life and the end of the old.

Third time's the charm, right?

Dear Diary,

I realize it's been a while since I've written, but I've never been really good at this journal-ing thing. Of late, I've been...shockingly busy, and in the most pleasant way.

We'll get to that bit later, as there are other topics I need to get out before I can get too sappy and overly emotional.

Noelle.
...Where to begin with Noelle? I suppose we'll start at the email that got me talking to her again in the first place, even if a bit limited. And, while I swore I would only talk of my life moving forward, and this email was before my new life began, it's relevant. I received it on the twenty-eighth of August, though I didn't really start answering her until a couple weeks later.
Now, one would think that she truly meant what she said, right? Why would someone say something they didn't mean anyway? It'd be pointless. So, being the rational girl that I am, I figured that Noelle truly meant what she said; That she'd gotten her head out of Ripper's *** (pardon the slip of the tongue, or pen, as it were), and was going to really try and reconnect with me. After all, if I'd always been there for her through her boyfriend drama, why wouldn't she try to be there for me? It's not as if I was asking much, to have my sire be around, as she always claimed she wanted to be more than her sire ever was.

Fast-forward a couple weeks, and it took Brax's death to really get her to start talking to me. I suppose that was more because she felt it, felt her first childe die and...

No, I'm getting ahead of myself.

After he first "disappeared", Noelle told me that he'd needed a break, that he was getting away. ...A break? From what? He'd not been around in the first place, and I couldn't understand what in his life was so damn hard he had to get away from it all, away from me. But, when I told her he wouldn't be coming back...that he was completely gone, it sent her into a tailspin. She killed somewhere around 200 wolves to try and numb the pain. I guess Ripper hadn't been around either, so that probably didn't help things, but it is what it is. (Don't much care for him to be around anyway, or didn't rather. Suppose it's a moot point now.)

Because of the news (this much, I'm inferring), she became a bit more of a recluse, almost like myself in that way.

Because of this, she didn't tell Faris. I did.

How does one tell a relative that their brother...their real brother and the reason for their existence...is gone and he's not coming back? How does one tell them, comfort them, when they're the one who used to be married to him? When they're the reason the pair stopped talking for a while out of sheer awkwardness.

I'll tell you how.

You break the news as gently as you can, and catch the poor girl while she has a mental collapse and faints from sheer shock. Then, after you proceed to wake her up and be there for her as best you can, get a berating from your sire because you didn't call her immediately when the episode occurred. After that, you get put on Faris watch, to keep the poor girl from doing something stupid and reckless.

And, after the initial shock of it wears off, you've nothing more to talk about and communication comes to a halt for a second time.

In an attempt to reconnect with Noelle as she seemed to truly want to see me, I reached out. I sent a text message to her, wishing her well. Though I'd not expected to hear back, she responded almost instantly asking how things were, and I, in turn, did the same. Things had been going well with Ripper on her end, and she seemed to be doing alright.

Here is where I made the mistake:

I stupidly mentioned that I owed my happiness to someone that I wanted her to meet.

In this conversational turn, I found out that I'm to blame for Brax's death, Noelle going so far as to suggest that he'd heard of my shift in affections while he was away. That she was shocked I'd moved on so fast from Braxton. That she didn't care if I saw the guy, fucked him, but if I got married again, she'd not pay for it; If it was within a year of his death, she'd not even attend. That Braxton was her first childe and I'm trying to replace him. That I'd not gone searching for him.

Apparently, it doesn't matter just how unhappy I'd been before Braxton's death. It didn't matter I saw him once in a blue moon, sporadic bursts for a lack-luster **** before he'd vanish again. It didn't matter that I divorced him. It didn't matter that I was completely and utterly alone all the time, given his extreme jealousy. ...And it didn't matter that I was her childe too. That I wanted to be happy. That this new man that I'd not even been looking for brought a smile to my face. That he made me feel wanted. That, despite me trying to avoid him and keep my distance, he'd gotten to me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Actually, that was the kicker. She said she wanted me happy...Kept throwing that in my face, in fact. But, now that I was happy, I was this horrible person. I was the reason her son was dead, and a tramp to boot because I even looked at another man. Noelle even went so far as to say if I'd not been so lonely, if I'd not isolated myself to avoid people, I wouldn't have been so desperate. How does finally being happy equate to being desperate?

Barely a month since I started seeking divorce from Brax, I'd found another. Noelle couldn't understand it and said that I was the reason he'd died. She said it took her at least three months to get over Shamus before she met Ripper. (It took her...maybe a month and a half. She has no room to talk.)

To make a long argument short, I told Noelle to **** off, and I'm done. I'm through being the girl she blames for his death. I'm through being the girl she comes to with her issues to make her smile. I'm through being hers. As far as I'm concerned, I was sired through some freak accident and Noelle no longer registers. I've struck out on my own.

On that note, Alyss has offered me a place with her. I don't think I'm in any place to really turn people down at this point, but I've not accepted her offer. Mortll sides with me on this matter, agreeing with me wholeheartedly that I deserve to be happy and Noelle is out of line. Isabella is fully supportive of us. Why stay with the one person who isn't?

Since this argument, he's sent her emails telling her to stay away, and she's tried to contact me. I've not responded.

Now that the shitty side of what you've missed is done, the lighter side of things; The side that makes my dead heart feel alive, makes the butterflies in my stomach take wing, and makes this life worth it:
There are no real words to describe this man, nothing that would do him justice. We went for our first date just before the argument with Noelle. He took me to the Necropolis club for dinner, a drink, and a dance, and it was the best night of my life. Well...not necessarily the best, as any time with him feels like the best night of my life, but you get the idea. Each kiss stolen was enough to jump start my heart anew, was enough to make the rest of the world melt away. Just looking into his eyes does that alone, but his kiss...Just the feel of his skin against mine is enough to cause a fire to burn just below the surface, a fire that continues long after the contact ended.

And the dance we shared...Even if I was nervous, he led me about the floor with no issue at all, lifted me like I weighed no more than a feather. That dance, it was our connection manifested. Confusing, yet beautiful, perfectly synced, graceful without the smallest bit of awkwardness.

Fast forward to last night...and he told me he loved me. I guess it'd been on his mind for a while, but he'd not voiced it. He was so sweet about it, the way he went about it. There was a moment I thought he was going to drop it, to leave it unsaid, but he plunged ahead with it regardless. Even after I thought I'd misheard, he repeated it with the same tone of love and affection as he'd previously had. Though the words were spoken softly, they were the loudest I'd heard.

...And I couldn't dispute it. I can feel what he feels rolling off of him in waves. Even if I'd wanted to deny what he felt...I can't.

I will admit, however, I feel a little pressure. He said the words...but I didn't. Athan says he'll wait until the day I can say it back, and that he's waited this long to find me, that we've got the rest of our lives together; "As long as I'll have him," he always says. He even gave me a necklace to that effect, a necklace I just realized I've not taken off since that date. I just hope he won't grow impatient because I can't say those words back...I don't know how long it'll take to really admit anything to myself that I feel for him, given the circumstance, but I'm trying to sort it all out.

"One day at a time."

Given the time, I'm going to go back to sleep...Sleep, a funny thing. Never used to do it, but when I'm with him...it's easy.

I'll fill you in on the rest later, when I get around to it.