I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I have sired the most worthless, piece of crap childe ever. Okay, maybe that's a little unfair, but I did say I needed help and he said if I needed something to let him know. Well, I needed someone to take care of me because I have a hole the size of a softball smack dab in the center of my chest. Give me a scratch on my arm or leg? Not a big deal, but this is sort of a big deal and out of anyone, I would expect him to at least give two craps. Or a single crap.

I think he's still upset about me killing him, but it's kind of old already. His life is so amazingly perfect as he keeps shoving in my face and it's all because of me. That's right. Me. So I ask him to help me, or at least come listen to me complain about this stupid hole in my chest and he doesn't do a single thing. Nada.

Thankfully, Niklaus came to my rescue and assisted me as much as he could. I'm starting to feel bad that the only time we see each other is when I'm hurt, or standing in line at the bank or a shop. But in the same breath, if he wanted to see me, he had my number and there is email too. Regardless, I'm very appreciative of his help. Because, bleeding all over town while walking isn't all that attractive.

It would be nice to not be so utterly disappointed once in a blue moon. But maybe I expect too much from some people. It would also be nice to wear what I want to wear, but, there's a hole in my chest where my heart once was. If it hadn't been blown to bits, I could touch it. Disturbing and disgusting at the same time. Also, it's just not attractive or sexy.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I saw my ghost again last night. Still, he says and does nothing. It's as if he's stuck between two worlds. The living and the dead. I understand that. I was there a few months ago. He's barely here. There's nothing keeping him attached. It's almost robotic in nature after a while. The same routine night after night. Or sometimes, that routine is barely a motivator. You just exist and let the night pass.

Elighan finally came around and graced me with his presence. He made sure my wound is healing. During this awkward encounter, I had a couple epiphanies. About things. About myself. They weren't nice-but they were true and a much needed realization.

I've met someone. A woman named Sirena. I'll write about her more later. The sun is approaching.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

Lo Siento.
I've been so busy that I haven't been able to write in you. So, to catch you up on everything going on. Blake and I did go to the party. Mostly, it was a lot of fun, minus the face plant to a machine on the ladies bathroom
But Blake took care of that for me. .. it was sexy.

And from it, I made an unlikely friend. Her name is Sirena. She's a vampire now. She lives with me and Whinny now. I think we need a bigger place.

And not too sound like an idiot girl-because we both know I'm not. ..Blake kissed me. I was taken aback. It was done as a ruse, but it was. ...surprising. I don't kiss people, or I don't kiss them back. It leads to messes. Screwing is one thing-but that's. ... different. An area I don't explore.

I finally heard from my ghost; Godric. It was him I saw all those nights. He had gone back to Mexico over some puta he's in love with. Only came back not that long ago. He asked if I would have came with him. ... and back then I would have. In an instant.

Elighan and I are slowly making progress on our 'relationship. ' I don't know what to call it, but I am his sire and he is my childe. That's a form of a relationship.

And lastly-someone said something to me. I'm still thinking about it. They said? 'Just because someone wants to **** your pretty brains out doesn't mean they give a **** about you or see you worth any worth. ' I don't know how I feel about that.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

Tonight I started my second business. I'm very excited about it because it is another piece of me in this city. Maybe it is a little vein-but, if you are going to run something, I think it should be something you either know a lot about, or you have a love for. I already have Origenes, which reminds me of home. The food is pretty comparable. Nothing quite like it, but close enough. And now I have La Transformacion-which means The Transformation. I think it is a good name for a designer clothing store. And the best part is that all the clothing comes from Designers that are Latino(a). Everyone deserves to be beautiful should they desire to be beautiful. I just wish that it was Adelita Delgado who got the credit, instead of Melete Vasquez. I think it would...feel better. For me personally.

There was a man. About a week ago. I was in the sewers looking for some chemicals when a man came up from behind and when I heard him behind me, he cut my arm right off. His name was some Mexican name. Blake said it in The Academy web site. And before I could find him-he was dead. I wanted nothing more than to cut something of his off. He would have deserved it.

I'm going to go to Mexico for a little while. I need to meet with a designer to seal a contract deal with them. I informed Elighan so that he wouldn't be crying like a baby because I suddenly vanished. See how people do that? They just don't leave a few hours after sending a crappy email. Maybe he can learn a lesson from this. I doubt it, but maybe he will surprise me.

My supplier keeps bringing me things and I keep making them into other things. She doesn't say a lot-she's to the point, but honest. It's nice. To have someone just say how things are. Refreshing. Maybe I will try and make better friends with her. Maybe. Sirena and Whinny keep me pretty busy as a friend. Maybe too many people in too short of a time would be a bad idea.

I keep thinking about what was said to me. About my worth. It really bothered me. I know I'm worth something. They'll see. Everyone will see.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I've informed everyone that gives a crap about me-though some of those individuals are questionable-that I will be heading to Mexico tomorrow. I'm not going alone. Whinny is coming with me, only because the cow wouldn't stop whining at me. It isn't my fault she has a passport she never used before. Whatever, I need the company, I'm sure.

My bags are all packed and so are hers. We leave for Denver, Colorado first and will stay there for half a day and then leave again to finish the duration of our trip. Godric said to behave and seemed upset that I was leaving when he just got back-but he left first and I told him before I left. And I would be back in a week. Besides, I doubt he would even recognize me being gone. He's still upset about that Puta.

Elighan had the typical Elighan response earlier in the week. He offered to come along, but I declined. I was even nice about turning him down. No insults, no bickering. I told him no and to have fun. Hes been square far too long. And besides, he has his own life and my life is mine. Besides what would he do there anyways? Sleep during the day and salsa or merengue at night? Can you imagine it? I can't. I bet he doesn't even know how to dance. I'll have to ask him later.

I'm not worried about going back home. Elighan made me a passport last year with a fake alias-the one I'm still thinking about asking him about using. For us to be known by. I'm so close to getting everything and having the cash. And I'm also not worried about it because I'm not going to make any scenes or make any of my typical Adelita mistakes. It's going to be very boring. No dance clubs, no need to eat anything other than room service if I want to eat it and the meeting with the designer is going to be right to the point so I can get in, get the contract and leave to go back to the hotel. It's not like we're going anywhere near my old home. I bet it's been demolished or it lays empty though.

I think about all those people that died that night. I think about my cousin. Where would she be now? Where would her husband be at? What would mi padre be doing right now? Who would he be manipulating and scheming against? What would life with the Guerrero boys be like as his right and left hand? And that's enough to make me want to stop thinking about the life I left behind.

And, my night sort of ends on a high. Maybe. I'm conflicted with my thoughts. Elighan sent me a Valentine's Day gift. I know it's nothing romantic, sexy or anything, but it was a single rose. Why did he pick that? Roses remind me of two things. Weddings and funerals and, you can suspect which way my mind goes. I remember putting a single rose on the casket of mi abeulo Montez when he died. I'm sure he did it to be nice, but some memories just bring up bad ones. So, I got him a really expensive tie because I don't know what you get someone that you used to screw, who wanted you to be their steady girlfriend, who ended up bound while screwing you, who ended up killing you for selfish reasons. But I told him to wear that and only that next time he sees Cali. I'm helping him not be square. She will thank me for it later. He will too.

Anyways, Adios, Harper Rock.
See you in a week, or never again.

X
Lita

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I've made it to Mexico. It's just as amazing as I remember it being. Only, I don't have to worry about walking anywhere and getting kidnapped, or being shot at. It's uplifting. Refreshing.

Denver was ghastly. It was almost as cold there as it was back in Harper Rock. Each time we landed, I made sure to send an email to Godric, Elighan and Sirena. Those were my top three-the others, I didn't bother. But I just to let them know I am safe and alive. Not that I had too many worries about getting here alive.

I can't remember the last time I was in Puerto Vallarta. I think it has been almost a decade. Maybe closer to twelve years. It's different, because I can't go outside anymore in the daylight and do the things I normally would do. Sit by a pool or even by the ocean. Whinny's already told me she's going to be soaking in the rays of the sun as much as possible.

Tomorrow is my dinner meeting at Cafedesartistes with designer Lola Pavia. Wynifred says I should wear one of her latest designs, but I think she's being an idiot. And I told her that too. No designer wants you to wear their things when you meet them. It screams desperation and shows how pathetic you are. No, I will not have Lola thinking that I am pathetic and don't have a brain in my head. I am not desperate for her line of products to be in my store-but it would be nice. I've brought a simple, but expensive enough dress that's a multitude of colors, that blur into a floral design at the bottom of the colorful sweetheart bodice. I bought it because I like how it swishes when I walk in it. It's hard to explain, but I will take a picture of it with me in it. Or have Wynifred take one of me tomorrow in it.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

Undesirable. Wasted. Two words I think of when I think of what life will be like when I get back to Harper Rock. Time wasted. Undesired by the people's whose lives I want to be accepted into. But, never will. In Mexico-I do not feel these two things. My time and effort has not been wasted. Quite the opposite. I feel accomplished. Successful...Happy? That might be too strong of a word, but I do feel different here, than I do back in Harper Rock.

Lola Pavia and I have signed a contract. It's not what I wanted, exactly, but I will have her line of clothing in my store in less than a week and work on selling it, so I can keep Lola's clothing in my new store. She makes me, or my store, at least...feel very desirable. She looks forward to our future together as business associates. I do too.

My time here in Puerto Vallara hasn't been wasted. Each minute I am awake, I am doing something. I am somewhere. I feel like I belong. I feel like I can start over. Start fresh. It would be so easy to stay and I have thought this at least half a dozen times since being here.

But, what about Sirena? I can't leave her back in Harper Rock. I could, but I'm not that much of a *****. What about Elighan? I can't, or shouldn't leave him there. I'm not like my sire. I'm better than him. And what about Godric? I told him I would be back. He's expecting me to return.

The nightlife is a lot more interesting and busier than Harper Rock. It's hard to want to say goodbye to a place that keeps you busy and makes you feel desired. A place that has welcomed you with open arms and is pulling you in further and further.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

Wynifred and I had plans after the contract signing to go a place called Mandala, and I had text her at least ten times prior to the meeting and never heard anything from her. Finally, after the meeting I got a reply and guess what we didn't do? We didn't go to Mandala. Instead, I had to play baby sitter to her because for whatever reason, the woman forgot to hydrate while she was getting her slush on, in the sun. I thought she was smarter than that, but she's only book smart, I guess.

We went on Thirsty Thursday instead, and Whinny has a little hooch in her. I never would have expected it in my life, but get a few drinks down her hatch and she's a big sluuuuut. Maybe I'm being a little too cruel in saying that she's a slut, but she didn't come back to the hotel with me. Normally, I wouldn't let that fly, but we she lets me do whatever back home and she's a big girl anyways, so I said, so what? She needs to unwind and have fun, most of all on vacation.

I think coming here was a good thing for not only myself, but for Whinny too. She's hinted at wanting to stay, but I'm not letting her stay here without me. Even if she could only stay for a short duration. I don't care. I'm being selfish, but I know I can count on her for almost anything.

Tomorrow, I'm going to take Wynifred shopping so she can stop stealing my things and I'll even take her to a halfway decent dinner. She's helped me a lot on this trip, so I'll repay her how I can. Plus, she needs a makeover anyways. I'm at the point where I have to decide. Am I going to go home in two nights? Or am I extending my stay?

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

My choice was more or less made for me, so here I am-back in Harper Rock. Everyone is safe and sound...more or less. And I highly doubt any of us will be making a trip back to Mexico any time soon. I'll talk about that more, later.

Something...sort of surprising happened while I was in Mexico. I don't know what I was thinking, but I made the right choice, obviously. I could have called Elighan instead, but while he has a lot of knowledge and backing in Canada with his private investigator mumbo jumbo-that means nada in Mexico. Those types of people go disappearing on a weekly basis and I can't let Elighan die...again. Not when it isn't by my hands. And not in a place where there is no coming back from. Plus, I don't think he could have gotten his hands dirty. Not in the way they needed to be dirty.

I took a shot and called the one person I suspected might help me, other than Elighan. The one person with some oomph, who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty. Or doesn't mind having one of his boys getting their hands dirty. Which was what I asked for. Did he have someone who could help me with my problema? I was offering an out for the guy, because I don't personally deserve his help.

He came. I feel like a stupid school girl for being so excited about it-but...this has rarely happened before. It's...unique. He didn't send anyone. He came himself. He dropped everything and he came. Like a knight in shining armor or some crap-he left everything behind without hesitating or blinking. And that made me realize more, the time I've been wasting. My mistakes.
Only, I don't know what to do about any of it because it's so complicated.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I've found the perfect saying for my life and I'm going to get it written on my body. On both my wrists. On my right wrist will have the words, 'Sometimes you have to fall,"And on my left will say, "Before you fly..."

Only it will look like this on my right wrist:

Sometimes
You have to
fall,

on my left it will just say:

Before you fly...

It will be very pretty and the only tattoo I will ever get. I can't have any other piece of me being inked up. I'm too hot for anything to go anywhere else. I was going to see if Elighan would come with me, but he's too busy with that tie and Cali to go anywhere. At least that's what I assume because he's fallen off the face of the earth again. He better thank me for getting so lucky.

Maybe I will see if 'Rina will come along. Maybe she can get something on her wrists. I will suggest it as a small bribe, but if she won't have sex, I'm positive she's not going to get a tattoo. Wynifred won't leave the apartment, so she's out too. Maybe Godric wants a tattoo. I will ask him to come. Or maybe I won't. Maybe they hurt and I don't want to seem like a stupid girl. Because I'm not a stupid girl.

Anyways, I booked an appointment by some place in the River Rock area. I've seen it at least a dozen times, but never gave it a second thought until I stumbled upon that saying. While I was there tonight, I stopped in and told them what I wanted. Something pretty, simple and no color. I'm getting it in a couple nights!