Before Butterfly's Wings [Invite]

[Hannah Lynn (DELETED 8242)]

Three days turned into seven, then ten, and more and more. Each day that passed was another day further from the original idea of when Freddie should be home. With her.

Nightmares, he always blamed nightmares for the things Freddie was going through, but Hannah was starting to doubt the claim. There might be nightmares, but there seemed to be other things going on. Nightmares couldn't kill him, but she worried that he might go back to where he had been when she came across him. That he would forget everything. Including her. When he complained of being cold, Hannah found herself frowning. Vampires didn't get cold, and while the scientists saw it as something potentially positive, Hannah didn't. Was his body shutting down? If so, what did that mean? When a new 'symptom' came around, Hannah began to question whether the cure was working, or killing him.

While Hannah wore a smile in front of Freddie, the times when he wasn't looking at her, Hannah found it difficult to smile. All she could think about was when the day, or night come when the cure worked against him. When the cure might kill him.

They tried to live 'normally,' as normal as anyone could in a lab, while their boyfriend was some guinea pig who might be dying, to pass the time. Netflix, board games, which seemed to be difficult for him at times, was his brain shutting down? She read, sometimes aloud, but mostly to herself to keep from thinking of the negative possibilities that loomed over Freddie. She wanted to ask when enough would be enough, every day, almost every minute of every day, but somehow she suspected that she wouldn't like the answer. That it would never be enough or it would be too late when the thought crossed his mind. Then what? What would she do without him?

***

The shift of weight on the bed was what had Hannah opening her eyes. More times than not, Freddie was the reason she woke up. His pacing, his nightmares, his twisting and turning, or just random thoughts that cropped in his head that he wanted to share with her in the moment. She turned to watch him, anticipating another pacing session, but he didn't pace. Instead, he looked...terrified.

"Freddie?" Hannah asked, sitting up immediately. "Another nightmare?" It made the most sense, given his reaction. She pulled the mounds of blankets off the bed and moved off of it. "Tell me about it?" She offered, wanting to assure him that it was just a nightmare and no matter what it was, it wouldn't hurt him. But, as soon as she took a few steps forward, the look in his eyes seemed to indicate that it had something to do with her.

"Freddie?" Hannah said with a wary tone to her voice, wondering if he even knew who she was. If that tonight was the night she feared was here. That he forgot everything, including her. "It's me...Hannah. Your once upon a time roommate, turned girlfriend who turned vampire a few months ago. Remember?" She asked with her eyes on him. She didn't want to get too close in case she would scare him, but the truth was...Hannah didn't know if she could be strong enough to hear that he didn't know who she was tonight.

[Lancaster]

Everything had come to a head and Freddie wasn’t sure how to handle Hannah. His senses were dulled and he felt like he was hungover; his head was heavy, the threat of a migraine at the edge of his skull, and even the pacing at the far end of the room was draining the energy from him. He felt weaker, and he supposed that’s what he was supposed to feel. These were the things he’d thought about. This is what he’d said to Hannah, to make both her and himself feel better about the process. She would know better than him, as she was the one who’d experienced it not so long ago -- to be turned is to be born again. Every sense is heightened tenfold. And as an allurist he had been told that his emotions would wreak havoc, too.

It made sense that everything would start to feel a bit dull in comparison to what he had lived with the past six years. He had been superhuman, and now he was becoming human again. Did he regret it, now that he was losing it? Was he envious of Hannah? Sometimes he thought he was, though he talked himself around it -- and didn’t speak the words, either, in case she convinced him to stop.

At the moment, however, he didn’t feel envy at all. When she got closer, he veered away. He held out his hands to stop her from getting any closer.

”I know who you are,” he said. He swallowed. This was Hannah. Hannah, for ****’s sake. He tried to repeat this to himself, over and over, but he was finding it hard to compute.

”I’m just… please just stay away from me,” he said, backing up a couple more steps. He wasn’t terrified but he was still wary. If it had been anyone else but Hannah, he might have been trying to run for his life.

[Hannah Lynn (DELETED 8242)]

Hannah would have to be strong enough. She was determined, even if that meant they had to start at the beginning. Hopefully they wouldn't have to, but they had been here before. Granted, he hadn't known her before Freddie lost his memory. But, if she had to be strong she would. For both of them. Because a life without Freddie, in any aspect, just wouldn't be the same life.

She loved Freddie.
Had Hannah ever told him that? As he put a hand up, taking a defensive position, Hannah tried to think if she ever actually said it. Or had she only implied it? Did Freddie know how she felt about him? What if he didn't? And now he had no idea who she was?

Luckily, for her, he finally admitted to knowing who she was. Hannah let out a sigh of relief from the breath she had collected in her lungs while she waited for any sign that Freddie knew who she was. They wouldn't have to start over at point A. No need for introductions, no need for walks down memory lane because he knew exactly who she was.

She started to take a step towards him, a smile pulling on her lips. Hannah had only taken two steps, when Freddie said the unthinkable. She stopped, only because Hannah didn't know if she heard him right. But when he started to back away from her, she realized and admitted to herself that he had said exactly what she thought she heard.

It was worse than point A. At point A, Freddie hadn't been afraid of her. He didn't know her, he didn't know himself, he didn't know the idea of a threat. He had been strong, probably the strongest in the sewer system, so there was nothing to fear. And he certainly didn't need to fear a human. But the look in his eyes said it all. Freddie saw Hannah as a...threat. “Freddie...” She trailed off, not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to do.

“If you know who I am, then you know I'm not going to hurt you.” She pleaded with him, a gentle hand being raised, as if she could reach out and touch him. “It's been a long few nights and days. You're tired. You're not sleeping well, having nightmares. But, I'm here for you.” She said, before Hannah shook her head. The few seconds of pity she felt for herself had turned into something else. “Because there is no where else I would rather be. That's right. I'd rather be part of some science experiment with you, then be at home without you.” She took a few steps closer, the hand still stretched out for him. “So, no. No! I'm not staying away from you, and you're just going to have to deal with that. Because you're so hellbent on being here, when who knows anything about this 'Cure'? Who knows what tomorrow will be like? Will you remember me? Will you remember who you are? Will you even be alive?”

She approached him until there was really no where to go. Freddie could either find his back to one of the glass walls, or he could shove her out of the way to get through the only door leading to one of the corridors. “So, no. I won't stay away, because if you forget everything when you wake up tomorrow, then we have to make this the best night of your life. All things considered.” Hannah looked around, wondering how they could do that given the situation. “Any ideas on what you want to do in a secret lab in the middle of no where? I'm game for just about anything.” Once again, a smile fell on her lips, as her arms crossed at her chest, waiting to hear ideas on what might and might not be possible.

[Lancaster]

[F R E D D I E]
The vampire moved closer despite Freddie’s attempts to get her to stay back. The vampire, because there was no other way to look at her; he could find no other way to look at her, even though he was trying. Somewhere deep down there was a voice telling him this was a side-effect, that this was something to do with a cure. That same voice lamented, hoping that this feeling wouldn’t last. Like some of the other side-effects that came and went, hopefully this one would go, too.

She was right. He knew who she was and he knew she wasn’t going to hurt him but he still couldn’t help it. Like she was projecting some kind of aura -- they were two opposing magnets and while some force pushed her toward him, all he wanted to do was keep his distance, parry and circle away. But she had him trapped up against the glass wall. A tremble crawled down his spine but he kept his ground. He fought a war with himself. This was Hannah, for ****’s sake. Hannah. He repeated the name.

“I’m… I’m struggling Hannah. I know what you mean to me but the closer you get the more I just want to get away from you,” he said. He didn’t want to use the word ‘repulsed’. It was too strong. Too hurtful. “As fun as those suggestions sound -- and I’m sure the scientists would be interested to know my libido is still in tact -- they just don’t sound appealing right now. If that’s what you were suggesting…” he said, now rambling. He was clinging to that glass wall like it was an anchor.


[H A N N A H]
Hearing that with every step forward, he wanted to take at least one or more back, had Hannah just standing in place. What would happen if she touched him? Hannah dropped her hand, not in defeat, just willing to meet Freddie half way. At his suggestion, Hannah's line of vision raked over his taller frame. She hadn't meant that, but the thought was...tempting. "That's not...I meant let's get out of this stupid glass cage and do something. Fresh air? See if we can find a place to watch a movie without it being in," She looked around and raised her hands. "This guinea pig cubicle. It's not good for anyone to spend any time in a box."


[F R E D D I E]
The idea of getting outside, into a larger space was appealing. Freddie slowly nodded, slowly eased his way to the side, pushing away from the glass wall and trying not to head straight for the bed. The idea of curling up and going back to sleep was equally as appealing. But would she try crawl in beside him? He didn't want to have to reject her any more than he already had. "Okay, yes," he said, headed for the door and out of it. He told himself he was only doing as she suggested; he wasn't running away. No, he wasn't running away at all.


[H A N N A H]
Just like that he was out the door after heading around Hannah. She just stood there, a little dumfounded. No, a little hurt. It was as if Freddie couldn't wait to put space between them and the more, the better. Both of Hannah's hands found her hips, as she shook her head and sighed again. There was no maslow's heirachy of needs for this. Well, there was, but it would involve removing him from what was causing him to feel scared and insecured. Her. And Hannah wasn't leaving, so this was something Hannah would have to try and sort herself. "Great." She said, fixing a firm smile on her lips as she followed Freddie out the door and into the corridor. "How far do you think they'll let us go?" She asked, only being able to catch up with Freddie because of the elevator. Her eyes went to the security personel, then to him. The other times they hadn't gone too far, but this time might need a little more time, which meant more walking.


[F R E D D I E]
He knew that Hannah would be following so her sudden appearance beside him wasn't a surprise. The sound of her voice was soothing, contradictory to the way her presence made him feel. He felt sick. He felt like he wanted to throw up what little contents sat uncomfortably within his stomach. He hated it, but lacked the energy and the emotional capacity to react to it, to fight it, to be angry with it. He shrugged. "Not out of the compound, I suppose," he said, the security watching them as warily as he watched Hannah. They were vampires. They were BOTH vampires. What was his problem?! "Can we go outside?" he snapped at one particular security guard, who halted, then slowly nodded. He pointed down the hall, away from the exit. He said nothing other than that -- or maybe wasn't given the chance, before Freddie was chasing his directions.

[Hannah Lynn (DELETED 8242)]

[H A N N A H]
They could go outside. Maybe that was all he needed. Fresh air and a change of scenery. Hannah could only hope that was what it was, because whatever this was, was going to take more than a handful of minutes to solve. Again, she was left following Freddie, but since the first bolting incident, Hannah was a little quicker on the uptake. As soon as he started moving, she moved too. "Have they told you anything?" She blurted out suddenly, realizing that leaving sooner than later-on a permanent front would be better for him. Them. "How much longer, maybe?" She asked, tucking her blonde hair behind her ears, eyes on Freddie's back.


[F R E D D I E]
Freddie shook his head. This was good, yes. Focusing on anything but the way he felt. "No," he replied, as if the shake of his head was not enough of an answer. "But I haven't asked the questions either. Maybe I should," he said. This was starting to take its toll. Was anything good going to come from this at all, or was it all just a huge experiment and they had no idea what they were doing? All the scientists who'd been working on this cure originally had been killed, hadn't they? So who were the people working on it now? Did they really know what they were doing? He shuddered. Ahead, there was a door. It led through to a cafeteria; when Freddie burst through he startled a couple of scientists who were eating a late dinner. There was a security guard there, too -- he looked like he'd just got there, and was waiting for them. He spoke into his little walkie talkie. Freddie ignored him. Through the cafeteria was a little courtyard garden. Outside. It would be cold. He couldn't care.


[H A N N A H]
"Have you thought about what you're going to do when you're human?" She asked as they came through the cafeteria and saw just what outside was. Not exactly what she was expecting or hoping for, but it was better than the guinea pig glass cage. She looked at the scientists that had been in the middle of their dinner and then at the new security guy. "I'd go camping for the weekend." She admitted with a laugh and a shrug of her shoulders.


[F R E D D I E]
It was working, whatever she was doing. He continued to think about other things; they got outside and he pulled the fresh air into his lungs. He'd started to use them again, slowly. He'd wake up gasping for air like he needed it to survive; it was these small things that made him thinking something good was happening. Something was working. It didn't happen often, and maybe he was imagining it. But it was there. "Camping sounds good," he said with a nod. "A hike somewhere, up a mountain. I'd go backpacking again..." he said. He'd be nearly forty, he supposed, and wouldn't be getting any younger. He'd start to age again. But that didn't bother him. "Or maybe I wouldn't. Maybe I'd settle down..." he said. He'd found a seat and folded himself down into it. Needing the rest. He glanced at Hannah and flinched.


[H A N N A H]
The cold was noticeable, but hadn't bothered Hannah since...well, since she died. She watched Freddie pull in air, then pull it out and she smiled. It was one of the few positive signs in this entire thing-everything seemed to be heading in the right direction. Outside of a few things. But it gave her a little sense of hope that everything he was doing, was going to be fine and working right. One day. Whenever that was. When he mentioned a hike, Hannah felt a little envious. She could hike at night, but it wasn't the same, and he would know that. When he suggested settling down, Hannah stopped walking and looked in Freddie's direction. She saw him sit and then flinch when they made brief eye contact. "Oh." She said, an upper tooth finding the soft flesh of her lower lip. While he sat, she stood, then rubbed at her right arm with her left hand. Finally, she let out a breath of air, then looked around. So many thoughts running through her head, but which to say that didn't sound completely self-centered?


[F R E D D I E]
He'd known it when he'd said it, how it would sound. And, despite his wariness, despite how her presence currently made him feel, he knew that he was thinking about her when he'd said the words.She hadn't been a vampire long. He'd lapsed, imagining her when she was human. "Hannah, please sit down with me?" he asked. Yes, he still wanted to keep his distance. But he also felt that he had upset her. That, at least, he hadn't lost. Not yet. Where his own emotions seemed disconnected and disjointed, he could still feel hers clear as day. "I was imagining you when I said that, Hannah. I'm sorry. I said it without thinking..."

[Hannah Lynn (DELETED 8242)]

Freddie had been through a lot and she knew that he was trying to be strong and have all the answers that none of them had. And that Hannah had opened that can of worms...the one with the realm of any possibility should the cure work.

Still, she didn't want to sit. Not right away. She was processing everything he said and how different their lives would be, should the cure work. 'Settle down,' was a big idea, and not something vampires could really do, could they? Making a wedding registry together. What would vampires even put on the registry? Blood, blood and more blood? Oh, and the occasional weapon upgrade to fight things in the sewers; vampire hunters and other rabid vampires. Get married and live happily ever after? Buy a house together? What would a house be filled with?

Never mind the fact that Freddie would be human and she...wouldn't be. How could someone who wanted to settle down, settle down with a vampire? Settle down implied a few things. Maybe pets together, though they had that covered with her two cats. Then there was the kid debate, and before she was a vampire, Hannah hadn't even thought about children. Between her work schedule, the fact her life was indebted to the Yakuza for who knew how long, and the painful inability to actually cook anything that didn't come from a box or the freezer, her life sort of didn't really plan for that sort of future.

"Okay." Hannah finally said, as her hands slid over the front of her jeans, before she took a seat besides Freddie-leaving enough space so that she didn't see that look again from the corner of her eyes as she sat next to him. The one of terror and possible revulsion? "Imagining me how? What exactly were you imagining, Freddie? Settling down is a really big idea with a lot of possibilities that might not be possible..." There. She said it, but it needed to be said.

[Lancaster]

Although this wasn’t something Freddie wanted to talk about just yet, he couldn’t deny that it helped. It helped, to think about it -- to see Hannah in that light, rather than as a vampire. It was Hannah. He was slowly coming around; the revulsion was still there but it wasn’t as bad. It didn’t make him want to run for the hills. It still made his skin crawl, but it was better.

”Imagining you wearing one of my shirts as a nightgown, barefoot in the sunlight, distracting me while I make us bacon and eggs. I don’t know Hannah. It is a big idea and who knows whether the cure is even going to work? And if it does, what’ll be the consequences? I say ‘settle down’ and it implies well… children. But for however many years my sperm has been defective, good only to produce monsters of flesh and shadow that rip out of a woman’s body and kill her in the process,” he said, the thought shocking to him. He knew that’s what would happen; he couldn’t recall whether he’d ever experienced it. And he’d honestly be terrified to try. If this worked, if he was cured, it was something he’d have to ask the scientists.

”If this works, I might not be able to. Have children. There might be some lingering side-effects. It’s not really a good thing to consider until … until I know how it all ends up. I have a feeling this world won’t let me go so easy,” he said. Knowing it all existed, knowing that there were vampires and zombies and fae and who knew what else? Could he just go back to living a normal life?

[Hannah Lynn (DELETED 8242)]

The image Freddie portrayed about the two of them brought a small smile to her face. If only things were that simple. Just a few months ago, Hannah could almost imagine a life like that. When she was human-a blood thief, but still human. She laughed, thinking about Freddie cooking, not because Hannah didn't think he couldn't-she knew he could, but the fact he stated it, because he knew she couldn't. "That sounds nice."

Freddie then mentioned kids, something she had thought about fleetingly seconds before. She nodded at his thoughts, which seemed logical in the sense of all things science. Neither knew exactly how long he had been a vampire for, but he had been one longer than her. She imagined neither could possess the ability to have children given they had died at some point, which meant to Hannah that some things, even if reverting back to a human, would never be the same. "Especially the part involving bacon." Hannah admitted, thinking of the last time she had bacon. It had been a while.

"It will work." There were indications it was already working, but not without a backlash. The dreams, or nightmares were just one of a few that Hannah had noticed. Add in paranoia about who she was, or wasn't...Hannah sighed and then leaned her head into the side of Freddie's arm. "It's been a lot longer than a couple days." She said, not that he wouldn't have known it. "I hope we can go home soon." However, or whatever that meant, Hannah would be glad for the both of them to be back in a place that was familiar and not so sterile.

[Lancaster]

Freddie’s eyes closed as he leaned forward, head resting on crossed arms. He made no move to get away from Hannah; he schooled his instincts and continued to imagine the future they may never have together. He took her reassurance and held it close to his heart; he took her hope and her optimism and tried his best to nurture it, and to let it grow.

It took a few nights for Freddie to really properly become accustomed to Hannah’s vampirism, as strange as it was that it had become an issue. It was something he talked with the scientists about at length, as well as everything else. It was as if those men and women in white coats had become non-partial psychiatrists, though there was no concern in their faces, no warmth in their responses. They heard him, but they weren’t focused on comforting him, per se. They wanted to fix him, but it was for their own gain, not his.

Discovering Hannah again on his own terms, though they couldn’t do much or for long. There were cameras on them, so even when they were alone they couldn’t pass a certain base. When they went to sleep he liked to pull the blanket up over the both of them, to at least feel like they had some kind of privacy.

Until, of course, he couldn’t stop himself. Impulse was impulse and could always be controlled. Every human learned the ability of impulse control at an early age, unless they were unwell. Slowly, Freddie appeared to lose all of his. He wanted Hannah. How long had it been now since they’d slept together? He needed the release. First, he kissed her slow, then it got more heated. Though it was when he tried to pull her blouse from her torso that he earned himself the shove. And when he still didn’t stop, the sting of a slap had him rearing back.

The impulse was gone, quick as it had come.

And it wasn’t all so innocent, either. At this point the two vampires had a mostly free reign; they’d got through the cafeteria and outside the one time and they did that more often, now, for the fresh air. Walking through, Freddie spied a knife left on a table and he immediately lunged for it -- he put his own hand down on the table, palm up, and slammed the point of the knife through flesh and sinew. He bled, as always. He cried out -- why had he done it?! It was an impulse. A weird and creepy impulse. And he couldn’t stop.

He said what he wanted, when he wanted. The furniture in the room they stayed in was moved around numerous times. He continued to try to sleep with Hannah, only to be reminded of the cameras. It was when one of the scientists ended up with a broken nose that they strapped him to the bed, and he didn’t complain about it either. It was probably for the best. And all he could do while he was strapped was talk. And talk. And talk and talk and he couldn’t stay on any topic for more than five minutes before he shifted to something else.

The impulse had turned on him. His brain was addled. It felt like it had been put through a garlic crusher and it was now trying to sew itself back together again, but the pieces were still all over the place. He couldn’t focus on anything. When they were finally convinced that he ought to be unstrapped, he tried to get himself back to normal. At least he recognised deep down that he had control of his own actions again, but to what end? He couldn’t answer that question. He couldn’t focus on it long enough to answer it.

And though it all he’d started to feel like he was being watched by something more than just the cameras. More than the scientists. More than Hannah. It was like he was being followed; there were footsteps in the halls behind him, echoing back to him, but when he’d turn around he’d only see the flat of a heel disappearing through a door. And when he chased after it, there’d be no one there. And then one night he could see the figure’s reflection in one of the lab’s many windows. Hannah was nearby, and he grabbed at her arm, roughly pointing in the direction of the reflection. Freddie daren’t turn to look, as every time he did, the figure disappeared.

”There! Do you see him…?!” he asked, hushed. Freddie’s mouth was dry. He desperately wanted Hannah to be able to see the figure, but deep down knew she wouldn’t. Freddie could recognise that face, though it was one he hadn’t seen in years. It was his own face, staring back at him.

”...I’m going insane, aren’t I…?” he asked, dismayed. And he’d just started to feel normal again, too. Everything felt like it was settling, the side-effects fading. His impulses were find, his focus was returning, and no longer did he feel any aversion to Hannah at all -- though of course that might have been obvious given his many hasty advances. Now, though, he was seeing things. And seeing things that weren’t there… well, that never had a good ending.

[Hannah Lynn (DELETED 8242)]

More time passed and more strange things started happening. Hannah hadn't recognized it as being 'strange' at first, until one night he seemed to be unable to control himself. At first, she could understand exactly how he felt, because Hannah wanted nothing more to be at home, in their own private world, doing exactly what he wanted to do. How many times had she stopped herself, simply because there was zero privacy? If not for the glass walls in the living/bedroom arrangement, then the cameras that were positioned everywhere. The elevator. The hallways. The cafeteria. It felt as if there were no where to go to even have a private train of thought. Let alone be with Freddie in any respect.

Maybe she shouldn't have shoved him. Or slapped him, but Hannah felt as if he wasn't getting the bigger picture of things. She knew, deep down that Freddie-the Freddie that existed before any of this would not want to be on tape doing half of the things both of them wanted to do. Maybe she should have used words. Stronger, louder words, before flying off the deep end, but there was no way she was going to let the scientists dissect that part of their life and relationship. They had enough insight on what was and wasn't going on in their lives for now.

Things didn't get strange-they got worse.
A lot worse.

Once, Freddie harmed himself, nothing that could be fatal, but enough to cause worry and concern. From everyone, not just her. More cameras seemed to appear, or had they always been there? Was it in her mind? Hannah couldn't tell anymore, because there was no privacy anywhere. Minus the bathroom. Maybe she could have suggested, or brought Freddie in there. She hadn't thought about it at first, but it came to her mind a few nights ago. Unfortunately, that was when he attacked an employee and for everyone's safety (so they claimed), he was put in bed and restrained. It would be days before he would be let out of bed, when they believed he was 'well-enough.'

Hannah had moved a chair to his bedside and slept in that chair, near his bed every day. It wasn't comfortable, but she doubted he was comfortable being strapped down in the bed like some patient at some psych ward. "We should go home." She whispered night after night, happy to no longer see the end result. Not at this expense. Freddie was losing his sanity and it was scaring her. He hadn't been in this place when she came across him in the sewers.

One night, while she was attempting to read a news heading on her phone, Freddie interrupted her and all but yanked her to see what it was he saw. Only, she didn't see it. There was nothing, or no one, there. Hannah wrapped her arms around Freddie and leaned into him as he concluded what she feared would happen if he continued this course. "Shhh." She said, cheek to his chest as she shook her head. She was in this with him until the end, but she had hoped he would get better eventually, not worse. Still, how could she tell the man she loved that he was acting and probably going crazy? She couldn't. Hannah refused to see him in that light. He just needed to stop the treatments and to get out of here. That's what she told herself and would tell him."No. Everything has side effects in the world of modern medicine. This place...it isn't good for you. Us. Anyone." Hannah said quietly, before looking up at Freddie. While they hadn't done anything to Freddie, other than give him the treatments and tie him to the bed, Hannah blamed them. If it weren't for this cure, or the idea of being cured, Freddie wouldn't be as he were.

"Come on." Both her hands moved down his arms and found each of his hands. Hannah gave his hands a squeeze with her own, before she moved to the bathroom, with their hands still linked. It could be a terrible idea, but it could be just what he needed. Something real. Something tangible. Something to remind him to stay here, in his right mind, with her.