Lancaster wasn’t so far gone that he couldn’t see what was right in front of him. Shadis and Charlotte right there, again. Shadis only mentioned Charlotte, but it really was the both of them. Whether they’d orchestrated it or not, Lancaster didn’t know. But she was right. Some nights he wished that he had ended up on a different path; maybe if he wasn’t an allurist, he wouldn’t have such trouble accepting who he was and what he had become. If he’d started as a killer, like Pi, maybe it would have given him the requisite amount of cold-heartedness to bypass his emotions and get on with ****. As it was, his emotions so often crippled him. His other half leaving him to come back from death on his own, when she knew how much he struggled, when she was aware how much he could not cope with the place – it was enough to send him into a backwards spiral that he could not see his way out of.
But here were Shadis and Charlie. They were here, when Pi was not. And it was selfish of him to focus only on Pi’s absence and ignore those who chose to stick around. He would not ignore them any longer. In that moment, he resolved to get better. Although he would not take Shadis’s advice to ‘move on’, he could at least just… get on. Get on with things. Pi was not his only reason for living. She was the one who had saved him, yes, on numerous occasions, but she couldn’t be the only one to save him. Sometimes, he had to try to save himself – with help.
At Charlie’s expression of worry, Lancaster shook his head.
”Don’t worry,” he said, closing his fingers around Charlie’s to squeeze reassuringly. Although he had only just made a vow to himself to get better, seconds later a wave of grief threatened to pull him under again. As if Pi hadn’t just left, but as if she had died. Permanently. He had to take a deep breath to hold it in, to push it back. To instead try to replace it with a grim kind of determination. They all say that healing takes time, and Lancaster would just have to wait.
”I’ll be okay. I… we can go home. Let’s go home?” he said, standing from his stool and pausing for a moment to make sur he wasn’t more drunk than he thought he was. He meandered the length of the bar until his fingers slid over Shadis’s shoulder.
”I’m going to go home. You can stay if you want to,” he said. He gave them both the choice – whether they followed him as he slowly made his way out the doors – oblivious to all else around him as he focused on keeping to a straight line - was entirely up to them. Though he hoped that they would. If they were there with him, he would be less likely to reach for another bottle.
But here were Shadis and Charlie. They were here, when Pi was not. And it was selfish of him to focus only on Pi’s absence and ignore those who chose to stick around. He would not ignore them any longer. In that moment, he resolved to get better. Although he would not take Shadis’s advice to ‘move on’, he could at least just… get on. Get on with things. Pi was not his only reason for living. She was the one who had saved him, yes, on numerous occasions, but she couldn’t be the only one to save him. Sometimes, he had to try to save himself – with help.
At Charlie’s expression of worry, Lancaster shook his head.
”Don’t worry,” he said, closing his fingers around Charlie’s to squeeze reassuringly. Although he had only just made a vow to himself to get better, seconds later a wave of grief threatened to pull him under again. As if Pi hadn’t just left, but as if she had died. Permanently. He had to take a deep breath to hold it in, to push it back. To instead try to replace it with a grim kind of determination. They all say that healing takes time, and Lancaster would just have to wait.
”I’ll be okay. I… we can go home. Let’s go home?” he said, standing from his stool and pausing for a moment to make sur he wasn’t more drunk than he thought he was. He meandered the length of the bar until his fingers slid over Shadis’s shoulder.
”I’m going to go home. You can stay if you want to,” he said. He gave them both the choice – whether they followed him as he slowly made his way out the doors – oblivious to all else around him as he focused on keeping to a straight line - was entirely up to them. Though he hoped that they would. If they were there with him, he would be less likely to reach for another bottle.
