Haunted by the Past (Doc)

[Nerissa Clemming]

She almost didn't hear his question, but his voice was able to bring her back to the present and she caught the end of his question: "Did you witness her death?" Her body stiffens instantly and she struggled to keep control of her emotions, but a tear escapes and leaves a dark spot on her jeans. "I didn't see the car hit her, but sh-she pushed me out of the way. I wasn't paying attention, and then I felt her hands push me. I hit the ground, and then I heard squealing tires, and a-" She hesitated, her eyes wide as she saw in her mind the events she was describing. She hugged herself tighter, as she continued, unable to stop what she unleashed. "She just lay there, on the street. There was so much blood, her face-"

Her voice cut off as the picture that had been burned into her mind resurfaced. The tears started to flow and she pulled her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and burying her face in her knees. In all her years being alone she had never opened up this much, and now she felt very vulnerable. In a choked voice she said "I'm sorry, I can't."

[Doc]

Doc carefully and slowly reached out to touch her arm. “It’s alright. I don’t need details.” He waited, his voice still soft and low, “I did not ask in order to upset you. And I am sorry the memory is hurtful. She loved you.” Doc didn’t believe in love. He thought it was a lie. A commercial construct of the mass media. He fully believed that ‘like’ and ‘love’ were equal. It was merely the amount of ‘like’ you had for someone that made the difference. ”It is clear she loved you. And she still loves you.”

If you really like someone, you would do more for them, than those you only… sort of liked. But for Nerissa, he used the word ‘love’. Most females believed in that fallacy. That fallacy called love. So he used that word to help Nerissa. “It was clear. She wanted you to be unharmed. It was an unselfish act of caring.” This statement he did believe. To Doc, all caring came under the one title of ‘like’. And that fact that Rachel gave her life for Nerissa, meant to Doc, it was a pure caring emotion, unfettered by treachery or backstabbing.

However, now Nerissa was locked in that unpleasant memory. One he made her remember, and maybe even re-enact. “Close your eyes. Picture Rachel in happier times. Picture her smiling. Picture her carefree. If she liked to laugh, picture her laughing. Can you see her laughing? Maybe she is laughing at something you said. Maybe something you two shared together.”

Doc waited, he wasn’t aware of how much time passed. Time in this, precise moment, did not matter. What mattered, was Nerissa seeing her friend in happier times; because if she could picture Rachel in happier times, that would give him his answer. “Can you see her smiling? Laughing maybe?”

[Nerissa Clemming]

Nerissa felt his touch on her arm, which helped bring her back to the present a bit and allowed her to hear what he told her, but it sounded muffled, like trying to hear a conversation through a closed door. Mentally she pressed her ear against that door, trying desperately what he was saying, but in her minds eye she still saw the bloodstained road and heard the shrill scream of an ambulance in the distance, which made it difficult to concentrate on what was happening in the physical world. She tried to focus on the feel of his hand on her arm, using that sense as a connection to the world outside of her memories.

She listened to what he told her, about how Rachel loved her and to remember Rachel in a happier time. With great effort she tried to force the pain back and remember another time with Rachel. Then, like a homemade slideshow some other images of her past began to flash across her mind, until one of the images stopped and quickly take over the front stage.

It was when they had started middle school and Nerissa was cornered by some boys in the hall. They were teasing her, making fun of her clothes and general appearance: pale skin, dark clothing and long unkempt hair. Then out of nowhere a book hit one of the boy's heads and they took off running. Nerissa looked up and saw Rachel standing there with a grin. 'Those jerks won't be back anytime soon! I'll make sure of that! Then she laughed her usual laugh, big, loud and contagious.

"I'll always be there for you Nerissa," Nerissa muttered to herself. She slowly looked up and saw Doc staring at her patiently. She wiped her eyes and slowly uncurled from her fetal position, her limbs stiff, and said in a shaky voice, "I'm sorry, I'm okay now."

[Doc]

Nerissa might think she was alright, but Doc could tell the memory of what happened to her friend was still very fresh even though it had happened years ago. “There is no need to be sorry, Nerissa. She was a pivotal part of your life. You cared for her. She cared for you. It is only right that you feel her loss.” He pulled back his hand. As much as he wanted to ask her more questions, he felt she needed to some more time before they went any deeper.

“What was she like, your Rachel?” He purposely gave Nerissa ownership of her. It was his way of symbolically telling her it was alright to feel strongly for people. “My guess, is you two were inseparable. If you saw Rachel, Nerissa wasn’t far behind? Or perhaps it was the other way around? What was her favorite thing to do?”

Doc wanted to put Nerissa back into a feeling of power. She would remain defensive and possibly fearful as long as the bad memories held a strong place in her mind. Doc wanted to give Nerissa a chance to talk about Rachel. To talk about her, would give Rachel the respect her short life deserved. In time, Nerissa would come to see, that fearing the memories of Rachel’s death, was more debilitating than the actual memories. But for the moment, talking about Rachel would give her a chance to reorder the significance that Rachel played in Nerissa’s life. The best way he could think of on the fly, was to have her remember Rachel in happier times. Getting Nerissa to the point she saw for herself, Rachel was far more than just a tragic accident.

[Nerissa Clemming]

Nerissa nodded as she tried to concentrate on the happier memories of her friend. "Yeah, Rachel and I were always together. Rachel did have other friends, but she always made sure I was included, despite what her other friends thought about me." Nerissa laughed softly, "My mother would always joke that we were joined at the hip because of how much time we spent together." A memory resurfaced from the depths of her mind. "I remember one time a fair came to town and Rachel invited me to go with her. It was just the two of us and her parents and we were told we could do anything we wanted. I think her dad was friends with the owner or something, so we got a discount. As the memory began to fill her mind a smile began to form. "We wanted to ride every single ride and play all of the games. I even won a cheap little charm bracelet that I wore everywhere until the clasp broke. We had so much fun at the fair, we spent all day there. We talked about that day for months afterwards."

She started to visibly relax as she recalled that memory, the pain from earlier starting to lessen. "Oh, I remember we found a hidden door in the house of mirrors that let the employees go behind the mirrors, and we explored that whole area. We kept our find a secret from everyone, it made us feel so special. We got to go somewhere not everyone does and we never got caught, it was so much fun."

[Doc]

As Nerissa relaxed and started talking of her experiences with Rachel and her family, Doc could not help but wonder how his life would have been different, had there been that one person, that cared. He could relate to Nerissa’s reasons for being a loner. He too, found it easier to hold others at arm’s length. And this is how Nerissa lived, from the time of her friends death until now. Alone. Holding people at a distance.. and all was well until.. Rachel made an appearance back in Nerissa’s life.

“It is clear that she, as well as her family cared about you. I choose not to believe her appearing to you would be a sign of her meaning harm to you. But a warning to you, yes… What does she say to you, when you see her? Try to remember her exact words.. or phrases.”

Doc would broach the subject of Rachel being a manifestation of her subconscious mind once Nerissa was able to give him to some answers.

[Nerissa Clemming]

Nerissa nodded and thought about the last few times she saw Rachel. "Well, at first she didn't say anything, but there was one time I saw her in a warehouse I was... hanging out in."[color] It was during one of her nights of working, which consisted of a lot of pick pocketing and breaking into buildings. She wasn't sure how Doc would react to her escapades so she decided to not go into much detail.

"It was really quiet compared to the other times I saw her, but it her voice sounded like it was underwater." Nerissa slightly scrunched up her face in thought, "I think that frustrated her a lot, even to the point where she eventually gave up speaking and just appeared at random times. All that I could make out was 'I'm here' and 'fight'." She frowned and looked at Doc. "What does that mean?"

[Doc]

Doc caught the pause in her sentence about the warehouse, as she changed her words in mid-thought. At the moment, he wasn’t concerned what she was doing in the warehouse, she could have admitted that she had been gutting and eviscerating some miscreant thugs and he wouldn’t have blinked an eye, he had spent many a night doing the same. However, if she was meeting some paladins and selling out vampire kind.. then, yes he would be irate. But the odds of that being the case were low, since she had not broken the masquerade as far as he knew.

At the moment Doc’s focus was on the words the Rachel used. Would the words give any indication of the source of the apparition? Were the words and phrases, something that was unique to Rachel? However His hopes for a clue from the words, were dashed, when there seemed to be only three words used. The first phrase ‘I’m here’ was innocuous. Everyone used that phrase. There was nothing that stood out to him about it, that could clue him in, as to whether this was a true apparition or self-induced apparition.

The silence lengthened as he thought about that last word. “Fight.” He tried to say it exactly as Nerissa had said it, “A statement, not a question, correct?” He pressed his lips together, “Did the two of you ever fight? Each other or maybe team up on another?” Even though he thought that unlikely, he had to ask. Answers based on assumptions were often faulty. “And if the two of you didn’t.. what would make Rachel want you to fight.. now?”

[Nerissa Clemming]

Nerissa shook her head. "We never fought each other. The only fights we were ever a part of were when I was being teased or mocked." Nerissa started to play with her hair, twisting and twirling it between her pale slender fingers. "But I don't think she was talking about any of that. She never talked about it before, so I don't see why she would now." She closed her eyes and pictured what she saw in the warehouse, trying to see if there was anything else she could have noticed. "She seemed nervous at first, like she wasn't supposed to be there, then she got frustrated when I couldn't understand her."

Nerissa opened her eyes, "Come to think of it, these last few times she doesn't try to talk, but she watches me. At first I thought she was angry, but that's not what her expression showed. It seemed more worried, I think." Nerissa sighed and ran her hands through her hair. "Or maybe I'm just mistaken. I was freaked out when she kept showing up, maybe I only saw what I wanted to see."

She rested her head in her hands, feeling frustrated. Now that she had regained control of herself her other emotions started to come into play, the main one being frustration at her lack of information and answers. She knew she didn't have what Doc probably wanted, but she didn't want to to accidentally invent any information in case it made things worse for her.

[Doc]

Doc mulled over what Nerissa said. “What happened to you.. right before you started seeing her? Whatever it was, it was important. It triggered her.” Since he was still unsure whether ‘Rachel’ was real or a manifestation, he was going to go on the premise she was real, until the evidence dictated otherwise.

“You said .. the two of you did not fight. The only time you did was as a defensive action. That tells me, that something happened.. that Rachel sees as a threat. This threat is big enough for her,” He stopped and looked at Nerissa pointedly, “Or for your subconsciousness.. to produce her.. for your protection.” He had not planned on telling her that it could all be in her head. But she was here for answers, and he felt he owed it to her, to lay out all the options in front of her.

“Something happened.. something that Rachel, if she is real, is warning you about. And if she isn’t real, it is still something your subconscious recognizes as a threat, that you do not. Your subconsciousness picks a memory that you will take to heart. In this case.. Rachel, to warn you.” He rubbed his jaw, “I am not saying you are crazy. Something happens to us when we are turned. It is not the same for everyone. Some are more in tune with the ‘shadows’ like myself. Other are more in tune with thoughts and emotions. We all learn different way to cope and learn this new ‘life’.” He gnawed on his lower lip. “As much as I want to dissect and see if Rachel is real or a manifestation of your psyche.. the more important issue is.. why should you prepare to fight?”