Re: Unstable [Grey]
Posted: 01 Nov 2015, 12:59
There was no pain. No physical pain. His ears were not berated by screams or sobs; his flesh was not marred by hands or sharp objects. There was nothing, even though Jesse continued to expect it. Even after he felt that wet kiss to the back of his neck, felt the air shift and touch the spot, now naked, where her lips had pressed - he still expected that something should snap. He had seen it earlier, her anger. He had banished it from the room, selfishly, for his own sake.
But nothing happened. There was the rustle of clothing - the sound of a phone vibrating with each tap of a finger against the screen. Still, Jesse didn’t turn to look. He couldn’t even summon the curiosity, he had sunk so low.
It was when he heard the elevator doors that he finally sat up. His mouth dry, he stared at Grey as she left. At her back, at the profile of the face he knew so well as the doors closed on her. Nothing. She had said nothing, and she had done nothing, and Jesse didn’t know what to do, or how to feel. It was when he looked down to see the phone and the engagement ring side by side that it dawned on him. It was like his grief came in stages. The long haul, the months of wondering, of coming home to Grey and feeling both love and frustration. The distance that opened up when he need to get out but she stayed in. Those regrets and what ifs stacking up like cinder blocks, weighing him down. Should he have forced her? Or would that have only made things worse?
There was the green room. When Clover had given him back his phone; when he had read the messages and the implication had become clear. Grey was not coming. She was staying away. There was an impasse, a rickety bridge that he knew he could not cross. He didn’t have the requisite skill. He had broken, then. He had fallen into the dirt, and he had wanted to be swallowed up by it - clinging to something that was already slipping away.
Then there was Clover; the night that he had slept with her. That was it, wasn’t it? That was the moment of no turning back. A step forward into territory that was familiar. The cheater. The liar. The whore of a man who couldn’t hold on to what he had. The philanderer. Two women who had faith in him, and he couldn’t hold them both at the same time. There was a risk that he would lose everything.
Stunned, Jesse picked up the ring. He turned it over in his palm, staring at the hidden diamond within the band. He knew she didn’t like flashy things. He knew that she liked things to be simple. A lot of thought had gone into that ring, and now it was here. Back in his hand. A ring that was meant only for Grey, because it would not suit anyone else. A ring that might be destined to be lost in the sewers, gone, until someone found it. Used it in some ritual or other. The thought had Jesse crumpling.
At the very same time that Grey dropped into the sewers and that bond was broken, turned to ash, Jesse crumpled. He fell like a marionette whose strings had been cut, right back into the nest he had created for himself. He curled into the pillows and he screamed. He screamed until his voice gave out. He tore at the fabric until the feathers spewed from inside. Those feathers could have been his heart, ripped apart and flayed for all to see.
He did not look at his phone. He did not see the message sent to Clover. He did not know that she might soon come, and that he wouldn’t be alone. All he could be certain of, was that he had never felt like this before. This was entirely new. If it weren’t for the nearly risen sun and the general lethargy that stole over his limbs, he might have walked right out into it. There was something missing. He felt, for that moment, empty. This, he now reasoned, was what would always happen. People would leave. And he was the one who’d push them away.
But nothing happened. There was the rustle of clothing - the sound of a phone vibrating with each tap of a finger against the screen. Still, Jesse didn’t turn to look. He couldn’t even summon the curiosity, he had sunk so low.
It was when he heard the elevator doors that he finally sat up. His mouth dry, he stared at Grey as she left. At her back, at the profile of the face he knew so well as the doors closed on her. Nothing. She had said nothing, and she had done nothing, and Jesse didn’t know what to do, or how to feel. It was when he looked down to see the phone and the engagement ring side by side that it dawned on him. It was like his grief came in stages. The long haul, the months of wondering, of coming home to Grey and feeling both love and frustration. The distance that opened up when he need to get out but she stayed in. Those regrets and what ifs stacking up like cinder blocks, weighing him down. Should he have forced her? Or would that have only made things worse?
There was the green room. When Clover had given him back his phone; when he had read the messages and the implication had become clear. Grey was not coming. She was staying away. There was an impasse, a rickety bridge that he knew he could not cross. He didn’t have the requisite skill. He had broken, then. He had fallen into the dirt, and he had wanted to be swallowed up by it - clinging to something that was already slipping away.
Then there was Clover; the night that he had slept with her. That was it, wasn’t it? That was the moment of no turning back. A step forward into territory that was familiar. The cheater. The liar. The whore of a man who couldn’t hold on to what he had. The philanderer. Two women who had faith in him, and he couldn’t hold them both at the same time. There was a risk that he would lose everything.
Stunned, Jesse picked up the ring. He turned it over in his palm, staring at the hidden diamond within the band. He knew she didn’t like flashy things. He knew that she liked things to be simple. A lot of thought had gone into that ring, and now it was here. Back in his hand. A ring that was meant only for Grey, because it would not suit anyone else. A ring that might be destined to be lost in the sewers, gone, until someone found it. Used it in some ritual or other. The thought had Jesse crumpling.
At the very same time that Grey dropped into the sewers and that bond was broken, turned to ash, Jesse crumpled. He fell like a marionette whose strings had been cut, right back into the nest he had created for himself. He curled into the pillows and he screamed. He screamed until his voice gave out. He tore at the fabric until the feathers spewed from inside. Those feathers could have been his heart, ripped apart and flayed for all to see.
He did not look at his phone. He did not see the message sent to Clover. He did not know that she might soon come, and that he wouldn’t be alone. All he could be certain of, was that he had never felt like this before. This was entirely new. If it weren’t for the nearly risen sun and the general lethargy that stole over his limbs, he might have walked right out into it. There was something missing. He felt, for that moment, empty. This, he now reasoned, was what would always happen. People would leave. And he was the one who’d push them away.