Path of the Vampire forum

Dhara and I leave tomorrow, and I admit, I'm a little disappointed at that. For a first vacation, it's been really good. If all vacations are like this, I can see why people take them.

I'm tempted to stay, or at least extend our trip for another couple weeks-but I promised Jesse I would be back and gave him the day I'd be back. And then there's work. I already got an entire month off, to try and get more than that might be pushing my luck.

I'm relieved I don't have to talk about Dhara with Jesse. He says he doesn't care anymore, and I'm going to hold him to that. I'm not going to talk about my relationship-we have other things to talk about. Like his new pyro obsession and his poor attitude. I'm not looking forward to it. Once upon a time Jesse took what I said into consideration. Now? Now I feel like nothing other than an annoying gnat buzzing in his ear. Which, I get. He's been a vampire a lot longer than me, but I don't think whatever he's going through is all vampire related. But what do I know?

I didn't come back early, but the first night back I went to see Jesse. I didn't even unpack. Just left the suitcase by the guest bed in Dhara's apartment, said I'd be back before sunrise and went to the new place and then the old. Clover was there. Once upon a time lots of people were there, but it was just us three.

I said my piece. She said hers, and Jesse said his. And all I could do was ask how I could help after that. I think it's up to Clover now. I don't think anything I say or do matters. Not to them. They can figure it out. I've got my own things to figure out.

I'm going to find Grey and Victor and Kae. Mostly her and apologize for not making it to her party. I bet it was great.

Kae should be back. That's what she told me in her email. I've contacted Grey too. Victor is next, but I want to take one at a time. Gather information that way without anyone interfering with what the other says.

I'm tired. I spend most my nights at one of two Fforde places, then sneak on back to Dhara's. I need to make it up to her. And I need to stop. I sit at the forge waiting for Jesse or Clover to pop by, but they don't. I'm just wasting time. Time with Dhara. I've got time, but she doesn't.

I'm not cleaning up that blood. Clover can since she thinks it's funny.

Sometimes I feel like I'm part of a different crowd. Except when I'm with Dhara. It's easy to talk to her. Talk with her. Not so easy to talk to people in other places. Talk about my choices, or why I do or don't do the things most vampires do. She doesn't have an opinion, or if she does, it's not aggressive or passive aggressive. It's just said for something to think about or take into consideration. We know when to be serious and when we can have fun. We have a great balance.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesse sired me out of obligation or guilt. Because once upon a time we were friends. Good friends. And because he killed me. Like he owed me a second chance at life. I wonder if he thought this was how things would turn out. I've given up on some people, others, I still talk to. I still try to help. But, it's just not my place. Not completely.

Since we've come back from our trip, I've been thinking of talking to Dhara about us living together. Maybe it's too soon though. I practically live there now, but it's different to move a lot of your things to someone's place. But, since I want to live in the flats anyways and we're always with each other anyways. Maybe after the holidays. Things get crazy and hectic. Stressful even around these times. Maybe at the start of the new year. That might be the best time.

I don't know what to say about Jesse. About Clover, or about Grey. Grey got back to me and told me what happened. I feel bad. Guilty. Guilty I haven't talked to her before now. Bad because I can't imagine being in her shoes. I know Dhara wouldn't do something like that to me and she knows I'd never do that to her, but if that happened to me, I wouldn't be feeling too good. I offered her help, but I don't think she'll take it. I'm not offended by it. I just want to make sure she's alright. I imagine Dhara in her place. Not that I'd do that to her, but I'd be looking high and low for her.

I don't know who is right or wrong. It's not really about that. And it's not my place or business. It's about taking care of someone you cared about and loved once. Someone who filled your life significantly and not letting them down after they've kept you so high for so long.

I can't imagine life without Dhara. Because I love her.

I've been meaning to write in here for about two weeks now. I just don't know how to put it, put what happened, down in clear thoughts. It still doesn't make sense to me. I'll start from the beginning. A couple nights after Christmas, Dhara texted me. She had been sick for a couple nights, the nights I was gone cleaning up a mess in my apartment. While I've been gone, it seems people took advantage of that and lifted some of my belongings. Nothing expensive, but some things can't and never will be replaced. Much like when I was a human and now a vampire. Some things will never happen again, or be possible and I'm generally okay with that. Life is actually better now since I've become a vampire and that primarily has to do with Dhara.

So I came home (yeah, we moved in together), and she tells me she thinks she's actually pregnant. I can't even tell you the things that went through my head, but not one of them was to sire her to save her. Dhara likes being a human. Liked being a human. Yeah, she's no longer a human. She wasn't pregnant with a horribly disfigured creature. I apparently made her a vampire. I don't completely understand how it happened, but it was me. Somehow, my bite-not the kind that involved me wanting to sire her, made her a vampire. And I missed the first couple nights of her vampire existence. The most crucial nights.

I'm making up for it now. Now that we live together, this will hopefully be easier for her. For us. She's dealing with it, and says she forgives me, but it's still early. There will be things she will never be able to do that she will want to do. When those things keep cropping up, I wonder if she'll forgive me then. Time will tell.

11 January 2016
7:30pm

11 January 2016
9:30 pm

12 January 2016
12:30 am

12 January 2016
4:45am

12 January 2016
8:00 pm?

12 January 2016
?? pm

12 January 2016
?? pm

14 January 2016

I did die and I left you alone. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. And yeah, it was over land, but what can I say? Jesse's an old friend, I would do it for him. I would do it for you, if you had asked me. But I won't do it again. I couldn't do that to you again. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.

I spent a lot of my time there alone. My choice. I needed time to think. Clover's email doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel indifferent about her. About Jesse and about Fforde as a whole. I wonder if Grey would have left us, even at Jesse's desire. I couldn't leave you and I don't think you would leave me. I know you wouldn't.

It's over now and it's a lesson learned. I don't know which is worse. Believing Clover left us all to die, or being told Jesse picked her to go while the rest of us were being killed or were already dead. What makes her so special, or more special than Renee, or Eirik or that other guy I don't know? Who said Jesse could play god or play king like that? Who gave him that right? We should have all fled when we saw them. Just said this was stupid and left. I'm not a fighter. I doubt most or any of us really were, or are.

Anyways, I'm sorry and I won't do that to you again.