A lost mad man [Peter]

[Sean (DELETED 6788)]

Sean listened then as the stranger spoke, the response seemed only to further his belief of the man being nothing more than a delusion. So his subconscious believed that crosses and garlic had no effect on a vampire? Odd, Sean would have guessed pop culture’s influence would have had his hallucination go along with what was the social image of vampires. He understood the coffin bit, even those of the movies didn’t have to, but Sean always felt that stereotype was meant to further express that a vampire was the living dead. It was a bit pleasant to hear that sunlight was still out of the picture, at least his paranoid mind had not bought into the concept of sparkly vampires, or whatever it was in that movie he had heard about once.

The comment on how a vampire could die, and return if they wanted, came as quite a surprise. Sean couldn’t remember hearing such a thing before. In the movies and TV shows he could recall, a dead vampire was dead and gone. How intriguing this new concept was, that one could truly be immortal and live forever, because even death could not even hold them. For Sean, Death was a terrifying idea, but only because he never knew when it would come. He would have no control over such an event, things out of his control always fueled anxiety. By being able to return to life, even if he didn’t have control over when death would strike, certainly would help relieve a bit of such unnerving emotions. So it in a way, after thinking it over, seemed reasonable that his delusion would suggest such a thing.

Maybe Sean had spent too much time in therapy? Now having resulted to shrinking himself, an amusing thought to consider. After the vampire mentioned how he had never had to experience that sort of death, Sean felt compelled to comment. “I hope you never have to….” Spoken as to express that this was perhaps a delusion he wouldn’t mind sticking around for a bit. He found it calming to talk to (only a man out of his mind would enjoy such a thing) but the more Sean puffed away at his cig and listened, oddly the more at ease he felt. The man hadn’t criticized him, or nagged him even once (something the other delusions were prone to do often).

A further surprise came as he was asked to follow, and Sean didn’t hesitate to walk after the man as he started back down the path. Maybe this was how he would find his way back to his hotel? Sean might have thought he had forgotten the way, but his subconscious for once could be helping him out. It was getting late, he really should get back and sleep. Sean knew such would be hard to obtain, especially when there was so much to think about. This was not uncommon, in the past Sean had gone days without rest, simply because his mind was so wired out. Sean was quiet as he walked, though his mind buzzed with many different things. Most of all, how he truly did wish vampires like this did exist. Wishing death didn’t have to mean the end if he didn’t want it to.

[Peter Parkman]

Peter had noticed the shifts in the man’s demeanour, as if he couldn’t quite make up his mind about what he wanted or how he felt. The cigarette smoke bothered Peter. But a lot of things bothered Peter, and if he rebelled against everything that bothered him he wouldn’t have much of a life. Not that he has much of a life now. Who was he kidding? He didn’t have much of a life exactly because he rebelled against things that shouldn’t matter.

Maybe he needed to pick up yoga. Or meditation. Something, to try to help distract him from the things that didn’t matter; the small things like the time that was now eternal and had absolutely no bearing upon Peter. How could it? It should calm him, that he had eternity. The hourglass had been broken and time was not limited, so why did he have to keep an eye on it like he did? Habit, probably. And because he had stepped out of his little square box, once, and the consequences had been far too violent and dire for his own liking. He tried to forget that man that he had become. He tried to make himself believe it was a nightmare, a shameful imagining that he never had to share with anyone.

But of course it wasn’t and there were those who had witnessed it. Perhaps it that which keeps him such a recluse, rather than time. He didn’t want to have to face the past, or the judgment that he might see in the eyes of others—imagined or not. It was safer for himself and for them if he keep to his own little world. There was less chance of another outbreak.

If Peter was aware that the man following along behind him still thought that he was a delusion, he’d have pointed out, logically, that all the other inhabitants of the city would have to be delusions, too—those that passed them by, who smiled down at the dogs. One woman who even attempted to stop and pat them, to ask Peter their names, maybe, or why he had so many. He got those questions all the time. But he didn’t stop. Couldn’t. He was on a tighter schedule, now, and he just had to make it to the shelter. His stride was long and determined. It wouldn’t take them long until they reached their destination.

Paws and Whiskers Animal Rescue.

It was set just outside the city; not far enough into the outskirts that the there would be any danger from the fae, but far enough that Peter had been able to extend the outdoor play areas, all fenced and meshed in. Allowing as much of the natural world in so that the animals didn’t feel like prisoners, but that they were instead staying in some kind of hotel.

Dane was inside—a newer employee, but he’d got the hang of things quite quickly.

“Peter! Good, hi! Everything’s running fine, everything’s done—I gotta run. I have a family thing,” he said, slapping Peter on the shoulder and heading out the door. Peter was not surprised nor upset by his employee’s sudden exit. Peter himself had only just got there on time. Time enough to relieve Dane from his shift. He was normally there ten minutes earlier.

Now, surely… now the man who’d tagged along must have some inclination that the vampire with the dogs was not a hallucination.

[Sean (DELETED 6788)]

The man before him wouldn’t slow his pace, and Sean would do best to keep up. The longer he followed, the more he began to question the situation. Vampires couldn’t be real, could they? Suddenly his head hurt from attempting to process it all. Somewhere along the way he had lost his cigarette, and would fail to light another. Other saw this man before him, his mind could not have possibly have been creating all of this? He had never had such a hallucination before. His eye would linger around, hinted darker with the press of paranoia. For once he longed to see one of his familiar hallucinations. At least there was certainty with them, and he never had to guess at truth.

For now he felt anxiety hang heavy on him, spreading through every inch of him. With passing moments he would have to remind himself to breath, or chances were he could have passed out. A hand ran uneasy though his hair as they came before the animal shelter. This was all too much…. All too real… It had to be real? He wanted another cigarettes badly then, wanted a few packs of them and maybe something more. Anything to numb him from this sickness of madness that hunted him. As they entered, Sean would follow the unnamed vampire still. Part of him urged him to run, to get as far away from this whole situation as he could. Sean couldn’t do it through, he followed as if pressed by some unseen force. A subconscious part of him that apparently knew what he was doing.

Sean spoke not a word, as the man interacted with his employee. Sean would not the man’s name though, Peter. That was the name of the vampire…. Peter. He didn’t look to be the sort who would fool with someone. Though what were the man’s reasons for having Sean follow him? His eyes would follow as the employee left and that’s when the room began to feel as if it were spinning. Reaching, he would hold his hand against a nearby wall to steady himself. “You’re…. You’re real?” What an odd question to ask someone. Surly one only a man mad out of his mind would ask. “And you’re really a vampire? Vampires are really real?” He looked to this man, the vampire named Peter. Looked to him as if he were a man that held all the answers in the world.

Before the man could reply though, Sean would mutter a few more worlds. “I think I’m going to be sick….” The spinning, he felt dizzy and the pressure of an overload of paranoid anxiety had never pressed so heavily on him before. He knew a breaking point was bound to happen, his father had had several with his illness. Why now though? The world always had an odd way of working through things. He probably looked helpless, broken before this man he knew nothing about. Well he knew a few thing. The man’s name was Peter, and he claimed to be a vampire. What reason did Sean have not to believe him? What reasons did he have to believe him?

[Peter Parkman]

Peter dropped down among the dogs to relieve them of their leads, one by one. He always did this; they were well behaved dogs, most of the time. Especially here, in a territory they considered their own. All the other dogs were only transient visitors, coming and going. None stayed long enough to make their mark. The dogs were friendly to any customers who might come in; but not many came in at this time of the night. Peter was there to close the doors and make sure everything was in order before he went to his next destination.

Although he heard the man’s questions, he didn’t answer them straight away. Instead, Peter’s brow furrowed in the attempt to refrain from barking out an ‘of course I’m real. Why wouldn’t I be real?’ It would be insensitive, he decided. It was logical that there should be a small amount of disbelief. Even if the stranger’s beliefs already allowed for the existence of vampires, if he hadn’t actually witnessed anything yet, the truth would still be a shock to the system. Or so Peter assumed.

When the man said he was going to be sick, Peter was immediately on his feet, striding toward the other male with the intention of guiding him outside, even if that meant he had to pull an arm around his shoulders to do so. ”Please don’t throw up inside. It might look like I like cleaning but cleaning up someone else’s vomit can’t possibly be enjoyable to anyone,” he said. When they were back outside in the fresh air, he nodded.

”Vampires are really real. I am real. This is real. Feel the wind on your skin and the ground beneath your feet. You can’t dream that. It’s just not possible. I shouldn’t have told you. But I did,” he said. He glanced at his watch. In eighteen minutes he would have to close the doors. Normally he spent those twenty minutes making sure the shop part of the rescue was clean and re-stocked. Something he might have to let slide tonight. He hung back, not wanting to get vomit on him, if the man should be sick. But he continued to hover nearby, his hands shoved into his pockets and his shoulders hunched forward.

”What will you do with the information?” he asked. He wondered how he would have reacted if he had been told about vampires before he was made into one. He doubted it would have been positive.

[Sean (DELETED 6788)]

The moment the words about feeling sick left his mouth, the man was guiding him outside. Sean would have figured maybe the man was coming to his senses and was throwing him out. That didn’t seem the case, as the man went on to speak about cleaning up vomited not being enjoyable. Sean’s breath rate had increased and he was close to hyperventilating. Outside the cold air felt nice, but it was the words the man spoke that brought his anxiety level down somewhat for a moment. Vampires were real, Peter was real. Sean would try to focus on the wind, the ground…. Yet the moment he held hope of maybe having a stable moment, it all began to unravel away from him.

“What will I do with the information?” stumbling over the words, his mind drifting to the worst. Well, more like his delusion would jump to the worst conclusion. Both of his typical hallucinations were vivid then, they stood at each side of him. One taunting, one comforting and he could feel his heartrate picking up, his breathing irregular once more. He’s going to KILL you! Aw this is ****ing awesome! ”Are you going to have to kill me?” he would choke out the words.

He’s not going to kill him, he just wants to know what he will do with this new knowledge. The other delusion was consoling, though it didn’t help much. Especially with what images the darker voice painted within thought with his words. It’s cold laugher rang before speaking.. Oh he’s going to kill you, can’t have loose ends Sean. You are a liability! He’s probably going to drain you dry and toss you in the river.”

The delusions began to bicker with each other and Sean began to rock uneasy on his feet. He’s not going to kill him! Will you stop, your upsetting him…. You always upset him. The cold laughter range louder then. Like I give a flying ****! It’s the point, I want to upset him. It’s so amusing, and easy to do… and yes, he’s definitely going to kill you Sean. “I don’t want to die….” Sean would glance to Peter, the look in his eyes almost begging for help even if he had not meant to.

“I swear I will not tell anyone….. I’ll leave town and just forget any of this ever happened.” And where will you go Sean? This was why you came here? A whim, an idea of something. What if it could make you better? What if he didn’t want to kill you? What if he turned you? It was a thought, a light of insane reason. He came to this city on a whim of something a stranger had told him. Sean was crazy, but it had all just been a way to get away from everything that he had been. His old life was over thanks to his illness and everything back home had only reminded him of all that had been lost.

Turn him?!?!” The figment of himself found this extremely amusing. Who would ever want anything to do with you? If he turned you… you would only be a humiliation to plague and make his life miserable. You have already inconvenienced the man. Does he really look the sort that wants to be dealing with your ****ing crazy ***? Best to just let him kill you fast and then the man can at least be on his way to enjoy his evening and forget he ever met you.

The oddest thing then, the two hallucinations would dissipate, and Sean slowly was feeling as if he could breathe somewhat normally again. He was sweating, his hands were clammy and surly a look of distress hung upon his face. Slowly his gaze would drift to Peter again. “I’m sorry…. I really am. I’m not exactly well…” confessed as he would run a hand nervously through his hair. “Can you make it fast at least?” spoken in regards to death. Sean could not help but feel that was the only possible outcome of all of this. “I’ve already taken up to much of your time. “ So this would be the end? He like his father would be ended by the madness….

[Peter Parkman]

Peter didn’t watch Sean with any kind of judgment. As the other man rocked back and forth and seemed to be dealing with some kind of internal argument, Peter recalled the times that he had done the same. The times he had locked himself in a familiar room. The time that he had locked himself in one of the dog’s houses because it was small and square and easy to measure. Because he felt safe within the confined space. And the office at the Asylum, with its copious bookshelves. There was nothing that calmed him more than to take all those books from their shelves and re-arrange them according to whatever reasonable system worked best at the time.

Rocking back and forth and arguing with a voice in one’s head was not strange to Peter. It was familiar. He’d even almost consider it normal.

When next Sean spoke, Peter had to laugh. He took a step back and pushed his fingers through his hair. Fair call, he thought. There were things that he knew and preferred to ignore. There was a violence to his kind that he had experienced. He knew what happened when he argued with the voices in his head and lost. But this was not one of those times. It was as if Sean’s begging reminded Peter of what he could be, and he took a step back to avoid having to remember.

”I’m not going to kill you. I’m not going to kill anyone,” he said. Peter could say he wouldn’t hurt a fly and he wouldn’t be lying. His hatred of violence went that far. Peter swallowed and crossed his arms over his chest – not in a defiant way, but more like he was hugging himself.

”I was just walking my dogs. I lead… as ordinary a life as I can. I told you because I thought it was what you needed to hear. I know what it’s like to… be not exactly well and I was sympathetic. If it meant I had to kill you, I wouldn’t have told you at all,” he explained. That was the logic behind it, basically. He shrugged his hunched shoulders.

”There are rules and I shouldn’t have told you but I did. But I’m not going to kill you,” he repeated for the third time, shaking his head vehemently. That would be the worst possible outcome.

[Sean (DELETED 6788)]

Sean would watch for a moment to note that Peter’s gaze seemed to hold no judgment. His thoughts would grow quiet as he waited, as if bracing himself, as usual, for the worst possible outcome to happen. Yet noting did? When Peter finally did speak, his words were such a relief that Sean would relax even more so than having realized he had tensed. Peter was not going to kill him, ever proclaiming he was not going to kill anyone. Sean believed him, he felt no reason not to. Already the man had been more honest than most. He watched as the other male crossed his arms over his chest, and Sean simply waited with a stillness, as if afraid to move.

It was interesting then to hear Peter explain on why he had felt the need to tell him. Most peculiar, there was certainly no need for explanation. Sean was hardly deserving of such from a stranger. Let alone when he had bothered the man with his madness of questioning Peter’s very existence. Sean thought undeserving of an explanation for several reasons, though mostly he simply no longer felt himself worthy of such. There were a few words that held with him thought. First being that the man had felt it had been something he needed to hear, and the second being that he knew what it was like to be not exactly well, as he had put it. Something then allowed Sean to look at the other a little differently.

Could Peter understand what it was like? The struggle and weight of insanity? The hardest struggle for Sean was knowing what life had been like, back when he was still normal. Sean didn’t take negatively to the man’s words of being sympathetic, it didn’t strike Sean the same as it did back home. He had grown tired of the whispers that had begun to stir after his father’s funeral. Just like his father, they would say, and they hardly meant it in a good way. Though if the whispers were true, or just a figment of Sean’s paranoid personality were unknown. He had gotten away, taken the first whim of crazy and ran with it.

”Rules?” This just fueled on a whole full on mass of questions and curiosity. If there was one things he knew, it was when it came to broken rules, there was always the possibility of consequence. Peter had further expressed that it would not result in Sean being killed though. At least that was reassuring but he could not help but wonder what could happen. ”So what happens now? What could happen now that I know?” If he was not going to be killed that is. ” Would you turn me? I mean er…. Would you ever turn someone?” Blah he was getting the words all kinds of wrong.

How could Peter be sure Sean was not going to go and tell others about all of this? Not that anyone would believe Sean, a man who had already half lost his mind. Just because Peter would not kill him, didn’t mean that something else would not become of him. The anxiety began to slowly build once again. His hand would rest against his chest for a moment, it was as if he could feel the very increase of his heart rate once again.

[Peter Parkman]

Peter kept his arms crossed tightly over his chest. The questions kept mounting, and Peter could see the panic in the other man’s eyes. Could hear the way his heart rate pitched. Peter wondered if he looked menacing, somehow. Whether a man who owned and ran an animal rescue, surrounded by dogs that preferred to lick strangers rather than bark at them or bite them, could possibly look like the kind of man to punish anyone in any way for secrets that he had shared to begin with.

His mouth parted defensively. Except it snapped shut again when Sean asked about turning. Peter backed into the door, his head slamming against the edge of it. He winced and reached upward, rubbing at the spot. One might assume that he was the one who thought he was in danger, rather than the other way around. He thought about those he had turned in the past; the ones that were no longer around. Swallowing, Peter focused.

”Nothing is going to happen to you. I was just going to… make sure you were okay and then… then let you go home,” he said, stammering. Maybe it would come back to bite Peter in the ***, but at the same time, his conscience would be clear. Peter’s main goal these days was to make sure that his conscience remained clear. He didn’t like to get on anyone’s nerves, or be the cause of any danger to someone who might not deserve it. Innocent until proven guilty, right? He gave Sean the benefit of the doubt.

”I… I have turned others,” he said. He couldn’t not answer the question. The question had to be answered. He crossed his arms over his chest again as he took a deep breath.

”I mean. There is Whit, and Jacey. I think… they are still around. Somewhere. There was… Esme but…” he shook his head. It bowed beneath the weight. There was more than just Esme. There had been others. But they were gone. Gone gone. Never coming back gone. They had not lasted, and he had a feeling the same would happen to Whit, and to Jacey. But… nor did he go after them. The fault was as much his. Again, he shook his head.

”… I don’t think I’m very good at it…” he said, truthfully, his lips turning into a shameful kind of grimace.

[Sean (DELETED 6788)]

Sean watched as the man took a step back and ended up hitting his head. Instinctively Sean took a step towards him, about to ask if the man was ok but held his tongue for the moment as Peter seemed ok. He surly was not the image he would have pegged for a vampire. Though what did Hollywood know anyways? Always next to nothing, it simply gave the public what it wanted, to be scared and thrilled. Peter, this vampire before him didn’t look the scary threatening type. Sean had learned long ago how deceiving looks could be at times though. Sean himself might have looked like a normal nice guy, he could hid it well at times, his madness. Yet he had his breaking points, like this evening, when arguing with himself in public, a big no no.

Nothing was going to happen to him…. Peter’s voice was heard yet again and it grounded Sean to reality. So very odd, just the more Peter spoke to him, the more his words would hold some sort of calming effect over him. The man spoke then of how he had turned others. Though Sean would watch as the man had crossed his arms over his chest. Had Sean made him uncomfortable for having asked such a thing? It must have been too personal a question, and instantly Sean regretted having asked.

He stood quietly and listened as Peter went on, listing names and Sean for some reasons went over them within thought as if setting them to memory. Whit and Jacey, still around…. He thinks? Sean was not sure what to make of that but didn’t question, just listened. There was Esma? What had happened to Esma? Sean’s stomach suddenly felt uneasy again, his mind drifting to something awful as just the mention of the last name seemed to have upset Peter in some way.

With what had been shared last, Sean felt compelled to finally speak then. ”Is anyone really good at anything? I always thought of an effort as being what mattered most.” Sean had no idea what it was like to turn someone let alone be turn. He couldn’t see Peter the type that would turn someone without a good reason (whatever that might be). ”Does it change a lot about a person when they are turned?” So much was hidden within those words. Sean was curious to know, desperate to try anything that might help him get better.

[Peter Parkman]

Peter nodded. It could be true – that it was the effort that mattered the most. Though could he admit that maybe he didn’t put in as much effort as he could? In the beginning, of course he did. He tried to spend as much time as he could with his new progeny to make sure they got along okay, to make sure their feed were steadfastly upon the ground. Except well, Whit had a fierce independence and habits that Peter could never agree with, and Jacey had disappeared, wandered away because she had thought she was a burden. Although she had come back, it was only for a short time. Only enough for Peter to think she was going to be a constant.

Maybe that was a problem. People could not be made to fit into Peter’s square holes. They were not constants. They were static – they were unreliable. They came and went without warning, so he let them go because it was easier for him. It was selfish. He could have followed them. He could have called and texted and forced his company on them. But that would require a chance to routine when their own interest in his whereabouts was also lacking.

Peter was not bitter, however. He figured their absence came with reasons, and he would not question them. It was not Jacey and Whit that he was concerned with, at this point in time. It was the man standing in front of him, and the questions that he was asking. Peter didn’t quite know how to answer – he had been on medication before being turned, the kind that didn’t work afterwards. His conditions were exacerbated, and he couldn’t quite figure out…

But in the end, he shook his head.

”No. I think it… enhances who they already are. You don’t change, but your… personality traits are … I’m not sure how to explain it. Enlarged? My sire tried to tell me that violence becomes inherent in all vampires but I refuse to believe her,” he said. Peter often worried about becoming a monster, about being seen as a monster, but he did all he could to keep that from happening.

”Why are you asking?”