Path of the Vampire forum

“Alone. Yes, that's the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym.”
― Stephen King

To be surrounded by beings yet still feel alone…I cannot describe the feeling. The words do not come when I try to define the feeling that slithers like a snake within me. My time as a vampire has brought me this… tenfold. You have to distance from all you have known before… cut it off like it is some sort of mold. What does this get me?

I have had no contact with my family since the lesser being turned me. All my life, family has been the cornerstone of my being, they are the ones that have and will always be there…now I have distanced myself from them. For what? For a change, excitement... a promise of a new adventure? I have such deep regret now…such a huge loss. It is funny, that you do not realize what you have, until it is gone. I had a lovely supportive family… I was important and cared for. Now, I exist… in secrecy.

I have met some interesting characters along the way… that is really the only descriptor that I can apply to them, interesting. Each suffers their own pain…each have a snake that slithers within. Some, their snake consumes them. I feel sorry for those like this… that get so consumed by the snake that they detach and find other things to fill the holes. Some search for fillers… things to fill the holes that their loss has made. I wonder how I will fill mine… if it is even possible.

My Mom once told me “Cori, you are your own best friend.” I now know what she means by this, even more than I did before. It took death to bring me to this epiphany, but it came… and has given me much clarity. Mom always knew that I was a pleaser… one who would self-sacrifice in order to satisfy another’s wants and needs. Maybe she knew that I needed to stop and focus on myself…maybe she was just warning me, who really knows. What I do know is that before you can satisfy or be a friend to another, you need to be one to yourself. I, unfortunately, have not been. My curiosity has led me to make choices that did not benefit me in anyway.

What prompted me to spew this? I read Trahir’s journal… and what a read it was. Maybe I just skimmed it, browsed through it. Honestly, reading but a few passages was enough for me, for now. It was full of loss and despair… great sadness. It isn’t the kind of sadness when you lose your dog…as that pain and sadness dissipates over time. The feeling I got from reading a small amount, was that of a bottom of an abyss sort of despair. I suppose I sensed it, even saw the signs. The question I pose to myself, is why did I appease it? What was my reasoning for dealing with one who needed much more than a rope ladder to get them out? Those questions are floating around in my head, currently… unanswered. To say that this is maddening, is an understatement.

I realize that having him “help” me is beneficial, but really what kind of help is he. He is newly turned himself… and in a way, I sense that he is not angered at the fact he was turned. He welcomed it… which is quite different than my situation. I had no choice, I did not want this life… it was chosen for me by Revelation and in a roundabout sort of way, Trahir himself.

What I am sure of, is that I am either a hindrance or a tool… that is being used in ways I am not quite sure of. Everything is done with a purpose... everything is done to benefit and it surely does not benefit me. I am searching for the words at the moment… words that will encapsulate how I think I am being used… AHHHHHHHH yes….those little pesky critters that adhere to you on warm summer nights. You can be laying in a field with your lover, watching the sunset...and the little fuckers climb up your leg and attach themselves to you. Of course, they use some sort of weird chemical injection to numb before they bite...but when they bite, they bite... and then dig, bury themselves within you…and stay. Do they stay forever? Hell no… they stay until they are full, then onto another host. This is what I see myself as… a host.

So, how will I rectify this, is it even possible? My immediate gut reaction is to plot and plan...then work to destroy. Whether destruction comes immediately or over time, I never really know. My other choice is to just bide my time and see where I end up… but, always cognizant… ALWAYS. We will see:)

“There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be...”
― John Lennon

Have you ever had one of those days… not a horribly bad day but one that just left you saying “What the ****?” That was my day yesterday. Trahir had scheduled a meeting with a few elders… I really had no interest in going. I knew that this meeting was for his benefit, and his alone. I thought that maybe, being that I was relatively close to him… as close as to be expected, that these elders wanted to check me out. Maybe to ensure that I had a bit of intellect and understood the importance of the masquerade. I really was not sure.

Suffice to say, that the meeting went extremely well…I was cordial and friendly. I approached it like a job interview, an interview that was not for me. I was pleasantly surprised when I met these two older vampires. I first noticed what a strong bond they had… it was like they were synchronized with each other. What I also saw and felt was, well love… dare I say that being I am not sure that love exists yet, with my new kind. If it does, these two embody it. It made me comfortable yet a bit sad. It made me miss my human life and the bonds I had with others there. Currently, my only two bonds are with Revelation (and that will need to be rectified) and Trahir. I cannot say that either give me the warm and fuzzy feeling inside… other feelings for sure, but warm… not how I would describe it.

I became interested in their bond and what and how it came to be. Was it like marriage or something more? It surely reminded me of my parents, when I was younger... the glances, subtle touches and knowing what the other was thinking even before a word was uttered. It was refreshing and drew my interest. Possibly because of my longing for what I was missing... possibly because I longed for something like they had.

By the end of the meeting, I found myself more comfortable with the two older vampires. I was shocked when they asked me into their family… of course, it was due to my affiliation with Trahir and not my sparkling persona… but it has proven to be most beneficial. I have been able to do so much with their assistance, so much more than I had been able to do the previous day. They welcomed me and were most generous… which I think I thanked them about a billion times for.

Trahir...what can I say? He brought a certain vintage of blood as a gift to them, which I knew was a test for me. Always testing... always manipulating. Maybe one day he will stop doing this… maybe he will run out of tests to give me… maybe, just maybe, he will see no reason to test me. That remains to be seen.

Longing
by Matthew Arnold

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again.
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me.

Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth.
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say My love! why sufferest thou?

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again.
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

There are times in your life that shine more than others. This night was one of those. I honestly thought that when I was turned, that my life was surely over. That I would spend the rest of eternity walking the earth...searching. I did not want to die, I did not want my human life to be over… I never asked for immortality. My life was taken, not by one entity but by two. The one who actually took it and then the one who actually allowed it to be taken. The issue is, that one of those entities, I now have found myself longing for.

It is not the typical grade school longing… like I wish he would ask me to the prom, or I wonder if he will call me tonight. This longing is more guttural… it can be tasted. How is it possible that one who basically signed your death sentence, can come to mean so much to you? Is it even realistic to think that out of something so dark, can come a light… not just a light but a fire, one that burns and continues to grow stronger and hotter?

Tonight, Trahir insinuated that he wanted to bond with me. My immediate reaction was to run, to run fast and not turn around. I left him on the couch, sitting as I vacated the room in which we both sat. I do wonder what he thought of my reaction. Should I have jumped on him and wrapped my arms around him, or maybe simply nodded in agreement. That remains to be seen. What I do know, is that I have come to find myself having intense feelings for someone that, internally, I may hate. Is this even possible? To love that which you hate?

Maybe he was still on the high from the meeting with the two elders, maybe he simply felt it beneficial to bond with me to keep an eye on me. I really am not sure. What I am sure of, is that there is something between us, something that cannot be put into words. This “man” that sits in the other room as I write, is the one that I WOULD choose to spend eternity with.

Bonding… Velveteen had explained it so beautifully. I have come to believe that it may enhance, tenfold, what already exists. My hesitation is…what if this magnifies my hatred towards Trahir…what if it basically, in simple terms...makes him enemy numero uno. Now, I cannot say... I can only assume.

What is evident, is that when I am near him, I feel complete. Like a circle has been closed when it was once open. This cannot be a bad thing, can it? I have always analyzed too much… always. Maybe it is time now, to just let things go as they may… maybe. Important though for me to realize, that I must not let my proverbial guard down, not yet. His statement to me, may have just been another test… and I surely will not fail

So tonight is some soiree’ with the folk from Andras. I want to say right off that I am exceptionally hesitant to interact with more of my supposed kind. It is not that I am not social, not in the least. I usually like to do research before I meet a person, so that I am prepared.

Trahir requested that I go…but his opinion means little to nothing to me in regards to things like this. I already did him a favor by attending a meeting the other night. I am less than interested in being put under a microscope for another night.
But, I will oblige his request. I have dressed myself in a pair of skinny jeans, a black T and heels…not stilettos as that would be ridiculous. Kind of black strappy wedges that match perfectly with the hue of my shirt. I think the attire speaks to who I am and even more of who I want to be perceived to be.

With much hesitation, I will go to this get together and meet those that Trahir so strongly wants to associate with. This will be interesting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gy8HPSIFXEM

The other night I attended a meeting of the Andras family… it was interesting to say the least. I got to socialize with those that I pass by in the hotel and even those I have seen in various parts of the city. It was a different sort of gathering than I was use to. Uncomfortable is the word I will use. Not uncomfortable enough to have me feel out of place, but just enough to keep my guard up. Of course, I spent time analyzing, observing...listening. It is what I do and always will.

Trahir was his usual aloof self, cannot say that I was surprised at that. I feel that he is always watching and waiting for me to mess up...to do something that makes him look bad and even destroy some of what he his built in his short time as a vampire. I have no intent on doing so and work very hard to keep the side of me that I call, “The destroyer”, at bay. I kept her contained this evening…

Whenever I do this, I may come across as distant and stand-offish... it is surely not my intent to come across this way in any social situation… but it does have its purpose. I think Trahir was annoyed that I left to go to the balcony for some fresh air… he surely misunderstood my intent of doing such. There was some tension in the room between a few of the family members… tension that I know would fuel that other side of me… she would have escaped. Lord knows what would have happened then. I can only assume… it would not have been a good thing, at all.

Most of the family were cordial and pleasant...not all what I had expected. I did get some insight into some of them… these assumptions will be put into a folder in my head. This is what I do...research, observe and then store. It is important not to make a rash judgement when dealing with people...one that may prove to be wrong, if done so immediately. This is why I store all of what I learned, for a later date. Odd? Maybe, but it has proven to be beneficial in my mortal life...and I feel it will remain as such, in my life as a vampire.

I did overhear him talking about this bonding thing... which has not yet sunk into my brain, as of yet. I need to find out his motivation… what his reason is. He certainly has not given me one, not even close. I have thought about this, bonding... I have come to realize that it may be both a benefit and a burden. We are both completely different… I have yet to find anything we have in common, well, except Revelation… the name makes me shudder. (Not shudder from pleasure, not even close… more a shudder of disdain and hatred) Trahir knows of my hatred for Revelation, and I think it concerns him. What he is not aware of, is that I would never do anything to jeopardize my own safety, his, or my new family. This need to destroy my sire, is under control and will remain so… at least until a prime opportunity raises its little head

I did sense something different from Trahir this eve… a kind of over-protective aura. It was latent but there… waiting... not even sure for what. I have to say that it was, well, nice. More than nice, it allowed me to see a part of him, one that I want to know more of. One that I want to be close to. He and I have some sort of love/hate thing… actually, it is, well, passion. I am passionate about him and for him. I do hope he does not realize this yet, as I feel he would capitalize on the knowledge and use it… use it to benefit him, only.

We will see what tonight brings…

Let men tremble to win the hand of woman, unless they win along with it the utmost passion of her heart! Else it may be their miserable fortune, when some mightier touch than their own may have awakened all her sensibilities, to be reproached even for the calm content, the marble image of happiness, which they will have imposed upon her as the warm reality. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

Many new things have happened over the course of this week… one, is that I was given the privilege of meeting another that will mentor me. All the questions that I have may be answered by one with an immense knowledge of the city as well as knowledge of the ins and outs of being a vampire. Who could really ask for more?

Here in lies the conundrum… Trahir. He certainly thinks he can teach me all I need to know and surely thinks he knows it all. The issue is, he has no time and I am not sure if his answers are accurate or simply his interpretation of what he has observed and heard. So, I took it upon myself to request a meeting with the leaders of my “new” family... and I was introduced to Helena. I surely thought that this would impress Trahir, but it seems to have had the opposite effect. I am not sure that I can ever please him...and certainly am not sure if any of the paths that I may choose, will be to his liking.
Regardless, I have made a new connection in this world, and that cannot be anything but a positive thing. I mean, Trahir has his group, why cannot I have my own? I do think that he enjoys the fact that I have become slightly...dependent upon him. I wonder what he would think if he knew, that this dependency will be short-lived. I have never relied upon another and now is not the time to start.

Truth be told, I have a certain bond with this “man”… but, he is choosing to separate from his sire and has asked me if I want to do the same. If I do this, we have no blood connection... only a familial one. I wonder if he would enjoy me calling him “bro”.

Enough of that, I have been traversing the slums in search of gangsters and it has been quite lucrative a deal. I almost forget that I have been shot numerous times by those damn cops... they do seem to stalk me. Bullet holes and all, I still go on with my daily. What else is there?

My job at Lancaster’s has been a tad slow, business is sure to pick up soon. It is a great place to observe and analyze… and make some cash. The owners are fantastic and have scheduled both Revelation and I opposite shifts. Not sure if this is purposeful, or not… I’d surely hug them if it wasn’t breaking protocol to do so.

As always, my mind is humming with various plans and plots… we will see what comes to be.

Not necessity, not desire - no, the love of power is the demon of men. Let them have everything - health, food, a place to live, entertainment - they are and remain unhappy and low-spirited: for the demon waits and waits and will be satisfied.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Did you ever feel like you do not have anything that you can call your own? In my mortal life, I had a well-paying job, my own apartment, car etc… now I have, well, nothing. I have a night job at Lancaster’s bar, which is not exactly mentally stimulating in comparison to my past employment. Do not get me wrong, it is interesting and all, I am treated well… but is merely a job requiring little to no brain function. Think that is why Revelation does so well at it.

I am grateful for the assist that Trahir has given me, along with the members of the Andras family… but currently, I have nothing of my own. To say this is frustrating is an understatement. I do not like to owe others and certainly do not want to not stand on my own.

He, Trahir, has now disenthralled from his sire… of course he immediately created his own bloodline. What am I to do now? Decide whether or not I want the same… to break that bond from my sire, which will then cut my blood ties to Trahir. I am surely not interested in siring anyone, not as of yet. Why do I need to babysit, when I am new to this life myself? I suppose I do not look highly on those that sink their fangs in anyone that comes their way. I figure it is all about restraint… why sire another that you cannot even fathom being with for an eternity. It is an opinion, though…mine alone.

On the subject of my sire… I have been pondering the fact that maybe I did not give him a chance to bond with me. I may have been too quick to judge him… which does happen. I have come to the decision that I will try to meet up with him and maybe get a sense for who he is and what his goals are for this new life of ours. Maybe I will meet him after a shift at the bar… we will see. It could prove to be beneficial. I do wonder what Trahir would think… really should not matter, being this is HIS childe.

I am learning and absorbing many a thing on my jaunts around the city… it has been rather eye-opening

“Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp’d towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.”
― William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Earlier on in my journal, I spoke of my name and how though it was not typical, it had a meaning. While my mother was pregnant with me, I was not a cooperative fetus. She told me stories of how many times she visited the hospital, how many times she was bed ridden for days… basically due to her pregnancy with me. As I developed inside of her, I began to move, (or so she says) not like a normal infant in utero moves... not even close. She likened me to a hurricane, constantly spinning and moving about… at times she stated she watched her abdomen and surely thought I would simply burst out. Upon my birth, I was given a name… Corentine, which means Tempest. My mother always called me her little hurricane, but I did not know to what she referred.

As I reflect now… I understand, completely. All through my life I have been moving about. Whether it was being involved in multiple sports as a child, multiple activities in college and even now, I see why she named me this. I never feel complete when I sit… chilling out is not in my vernacular and never has been. I have been told by many to just sit back and relax, but that is near impossible. Has it made my life chaotic? In many ways no… but when dealing with others, specifically in relationships, “Hell yes!”

Currently, I feel as though I am lost in my own hurricane… not sure of which direction to take, being pulled by some guttural force. Does it mean that I blindly run amuck? Definitely not, but it can become all consuming… it can also lead to much strife with those I surround myself with. Most people (vampires or the like) do not move fast enough for me… they chill and certainly are great at it. This causes frustration and manifests as, well, a not so nice persona. Mildly stand-offish, slightly snobby and certainly not what one would call “perky”.

So why write about this, this that could be construed as a flaw by many. All throughout my life I have found it best to get things out of my head and off my chest… it is the way I operate. Writing seems to do just that, as talking to anyone about what could be a flaw, is not in the cards.

Currently, there are some loose ends that have caused this tempest to go off track. I have not had any contact with my sire, I basically disowned him. This needs to be rectified and done so immediately. The other loose end is Trahir… I need to confront him about what his plans are. He has alluded too many but I do not have any real clarity. This will also be taken care of…shortly. I have decided that I would very much like to bond with him… there is simply something about him that makes me feel whole. More than I have ever really felt before. Thing is, even though he is a vampire, he is a man…and with that comes, well... issues. Men are an odd bunch… like those odd animals in the zoo that are put in their own special enclosures.. (I do love that analogy)

So much has happened since I have written last. Maybe too much to even put onto paper. There was a meeting with the two elders of Andras, which was a surprise to me. Seems as though my questions about the ritual of bonding may have been misconstrued. Or maybe it was the fact that Trahir was going full steam ahead, without even consulting me about anything. Needless to say, the meeting was nothing short of a catastrophe. Trahir got angry and I became indifferent. As far as the two elders, I really hate to assume what their impression was. I suppose they were offering advice to a pair of noob vampires, or I would like to think so. Either way, what is done is done. “Live and learn”, my new motto.

I have been hunting daily, what is funny… I am taking great pleasure in talking down those that before, were stronger than I. It means I am growing, developing into a new machine. Machine? Why use that descriptor… well, to tell you the truth, when I hunt I am not myself. I have a goal, find a target and carry out the slaughter. Recently, my interests have changed. I am not just slaughtering the Paladins and zombies… I am using them to obtain knowledge.

Knowledge…I have an insatiable thirst for it. Before, I just use to kill and not think much about the lump of decaying flesh that was left behind. Recently, I have been taking an interest in what I have killed. Today, I began a sort of autopsy on the zombie. I used my blade to slice into the rotten mound. I started first, with the head… I wanted to see what was inside, if anything. The skull was hard to break, thankfully a large rock was close and I used that to shatter the zombie’s cranium. Inside, I found a rotten soup, sort of a putrefied gel like substance that I suppose was this beings brain before becoming one of the undead. It sparked my curiosity and I began to investigate further… by the time I realized it, it had been over an hour and I forgot where I was, being I was engrossed in the dissection. I gained some insight into this strange being and also practiced my butchering skills. It was interesting, to say the least. I do wonder if anyone else has done this, has a need to look into what they have killed.

To say it was a dirty and grotesque act, is an understatement. I stood after my hour long stint and was covered in black sludge. It did not smell too good, either. Funny, normally I would not even be able to function if dirty like that… thing is, I just kept hunting. Like a machine, emotionless and goal oriented. I wonder what Trahir would say if he knew I did this. Actually, I have an idea.

Trahir… we have not spoken about marriage or anything of the sort since the meeting. I am not sure if my meeting with Revelation has dissuaded him, not sure of anything on the subject. We have not had time for one another in awhile… me hunting and autopsying all who I hunt and him, well, who knows what he does with his time.

What I do know, is that he is not happy with my loner type persona. It is not that I do not crave social interaction, I do. But, this machine has a goal and until said goal is reached, everything else comes secondary. I have made myself a promise, though… if he asks me to join him for any type of meeting or gathering, I will be on my best behavior. I will play the role that he wants me to play, it is important to him which must mean it HAS to be important to me. We will see what comes to be. I do hope we get some time tonight, I want to tell him what has been consuming my time, as of late.

Today whilst walking in the catacombs, my mind was filled with thoughts. Those thoughts focused on the bodies that passed by me, sometimes in a hurry and sometimes they simply lumbered along. I then began to look closer at those I passed and passed me… I wondered about their lives. The disheveled man that carried a black leather briefcase and spoke random verses from the Bible… what was his deal? Maybe he had lost everything in the economic collapse, maybe he simply lost his mind. My final thought on him, was he was simply lost. The woman in the 6 inch heels, that walked like a newly born calf. She had so much lipstick on, and her hair was a platinum color. She was chewing gum, but not like one does for the mere enjoyment. She chewed ferociously, like that of a toothless carnivore trying its best to consume a scrap of flesh. Was she in turmoil, did she even realize that she might be?

Here is what I gathered, that we… all who are human and vampire… and some who cannot be put into a category, always seem a bit lost to me. They may look like they have some direction or purpose, but they are just cogs in this wheel. What kind of cog they are, is up to them and circumstance. I wonder if anyone else sees this, or if they even care to look. My new life is full of death and slaughter… I wander around killing things that may benefit me, without even a second thought. Trahir says it is due to the fact that I have chosen the path of a killer… I think I disagree. I do believe that all beings have a sort of separation from the world around them… usually focusing on themselves or those that are in their circle.

As the thoughts entered into my head, I became quite saddened. It was not that I cared about the plight of those that crossed my path, it was that I was sad because I did not care. I do not think we lose our sense of humanity when one is turned… I have come to the realization that beings, whether human or vampire… may never really care about others. This, disturbs me on the highest level.

It brings me to think that the existence of anything besides self-preservation and selfishness, does not exist. Not as it should. Have we actually developed since the start of time, or has it been a steady decline in our humanity, when one is human. The same holds true for my current state of being… a vampire. I have heard we are the alpha predators, watched how some walk around siring aimlessly and turning lesser humans into , well, immortal lesser beings. Do they even realize what they are doing, or are they so engrossed in furthering their cause, that they do not see how they are destroying the greater cause… the preservation of the vampire state. It is selfish and quite frankly, if I was stronger…I would help to eradicate those that make poor choices. Why allow weak links into this life, why give them a gift only to see them squander it. They will surely sire more lessers, which will start a vicious circle…a circle we cannot escape from. I have heard some speak to the fact that they saved a human from a wretched life, when they turned them. Who is to say that they won’t live the same kind of wretched life as a vampire?

I have kept my thoughts to myself, as sharing may not make me popular. If some knew that I wanted to rid harper Rock of those I view as, well… lessers, I may not be received well.

These thoughts consume my head for most of the day, only briefly fleeing when I kill a paladin or decaying zombie. I have even found myself going back to these thoughts as I autopsy every kill, yes every kill. This has become a bit of an obsession with me, it could be worse, though…surely.

“The most prolific and accomplished hunters were not the most bloodthirsty and indefatigable. They were the most cool and empathetic. They were the ones who were able to assimilate their quarry's mind-set--to see through the eyes of their prey and thus reliably predict its deft, innate trajectories of evasion.”

― Kevin Dutton, The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success