Sweet Sweet dreams

[Renee]

October 16th

7773

120000

325

FOOD!!!!!!

BLOOD!!!!!

KILLING!!!!!

My mind wonders from thing to thing....My friend Simon has offered to help keep me Nun like lol not sure how that is going to help things out much though

It will probably make it worse but oh well.

Having some renovations done the place, nothing major like Jesse is having done but still. Going to to need to be there. Make sure the job gets done right and that the secret that now only three others knows about stays that way. I don't want to deal with and human finding that, Only humans in there are the ones that I bring in or that he brings in.

I've got a lot on my mind...maybe I should take a few days to do things for myself...I'll wait till after this month is up...got a lot of work to do and still working on this damn hack!!!!

******* HACKS!!!!!!!!

[Renee]

October 21st

7773

120000 maybe...idk

325 also maybe.....

I got my doll from Ric today!!! She is perfect!!!

I kind of want more though...maybe I could talk him into teaching me how they are made >.> I'd hate for her to get lonely in the play room all by herself.

I wonder how hard it would be...

[Renee]

November 4th

I've been a mess since you stayed,
I've been a wreck since you changed,
Don't let me get in your way,
I miss the lies and the pain,
The fights that keep us awake-ake-ake
I'm tellin you!

I miss the bad things,
The way you hate me,
I miss the screaming,
The way that you blame me!
Miss the phone calls,
When it's your fault,
I miss the late nights,
Don't miss you at all!
I like the kick in the face,
And the things you do to me!
I love the way that it hurts!
I don't miss you, I miss the misery!

I've tried but I just can't take it,
I'd rather fight than just fake it (cause I like it
Rough),
You know that I've had enough,
I dare ya to call my bluff,
Can't take to much of a good thing
I'm tellin you!

I miss the bad things,
The way you hate me,
I miss the screaming,
The way that you blame me!
Miss the phone calls,
When it's your fault,
I miss the late nights,
Don't miss you at all!
I like the kick in the face,
And the things you do to me!
I love the way that it hurts!
I don't miss you, I miss the misery!

Just know that I'll make you hurt,
(I miss the lies and the pain what you did to me)
When you tell me you'll make it worse
(I'd rather fight all night than watch the TV)
I hate that feelin inside
You tell me how hard you'll try
But when we're at our worst
I miss the misery

I miss the bad things,
The way you hate me,
I miss the screaming,
The way that you blame me.

I miss the rough sex,
Leaves me a mess,
I miss the feeling of pains in my chest!
Miss the phone calls,
When it's your fault,
I miss the late nights,
Don't miss you at all!
I like the kick in the face,
And the things you do to me!
I love the way that it hurts!
I don't miss you, I miss the misery!

I don't miss you, I miss the misery!

Yep...that pretty much sums it up right about now

[Renee]

November 10th

7773..i should get back to that one

205500

325...or 400...yeah lets go with that one

things got heated the other at the family gathering. I think she took over again. I woke up in Axel's feeling like ****. I talked it out tonight though. I hope things can get better.

I going to see a doctor this week about. Hopefully there is something that can be done to fix this.

In other news I HAS A GRAND BABY!!!!!!! I need to meet him though, in person.

I need new babies to spoil...I can spoil the grand till then though

There was another voice in my head, I know this one but I don't like that she was in head. I have enough voices in there and I don't have room for another! Hell I don't like all the ones in there now!

She thinks I'm sleeping with her husband. Says she's not the only one to think that. That's ********! Here are most of the reasons she is wrong.

1) He is married. I don't brake up relationships. That's a ***** move and people that do so, should be shot.

2) He is my friend. Adding sex to any friendship just fucks it up. I have few enough friends at the moment I do not need to lose more because of sex.

3) I want to be HER friend too. I met her twice now and she seems cool. He loves her so she cant be all that bad though the being in my head has left a bad taste in my mouth

4) He is a guy. Now I know I have found two guys in the past sexual attractive but they were older men. He is not an older man (maybe he is but not my kind of older)

5) I don't really have the time for a full blow relationship right now. I have what ever is going on with Eirik and I am fine with that. I know he is not what I normally go far but he is sweet.

6) This is a big one. I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX WITH A MAN! I know there are way to check that and if she wants proof that he has not slept with me then damn it we will go to a doctor and proof will be given.

7) If for some damn reason I was sleeping with him I wouldn't hang out with him in public or when he is around her! That is just stupid and a big no no. It's in all the movies and books.

8) He talks about her all the time. I know he loves her because he tell me he does. First time we met he told me he had some one. Then I saw him again and first words out of his mouth were that he had gotten married and I should meet her.

I gave her my number and said we should meet and talk about this in person. We shall see what comes of it.

[Renee]

November 10th con.

She also said something about me getting him killed. How the **** would I get him killed?

I'm not attacking anyone. I don't want anyone to be attacked.

Hopefully people will be civil about this and everyone can go on being friends, though knowing this city that probably wont happen.

[Renee]

November 14th

Numbers...see November 10th

Jordon has shared something with me, a plan he has set out for her, I Shouldn't say too much more about it, just in case she somehow get's a hold of this. I will say I do hope that it turns out well and I wish I could be there for it but it should just be between the two of them.

Eirik, my dear sweet Eirik, He surprised me last night. I was out hunting when I got a message from him. He said he had something for me so I summoned him. He must be getting use to that, I do seem to do it often. He had a rose for me, it was so beautiful, but he also had a box. Inside was the most beautiful necklace I've ever seen in my life. Where ever he is working, he must be getting paid well, that or he robbed a bank or something.

I sowed Ursa what he gave me and she told me I should "Marry him and marry him now." I am a little old fashioned when it comes to these things though, I have to be asked. Jordon said he was just trying to get brownie points from his sire. It is clear that not many know of our relationship, I like it that way. I don't want my bad reputation to go anymore onto him then it has too. Even HE has gotten word of what i have been said to be doing.

I think that is what hurts the most, because I tried to have a friend I must lose it all. But I guess that is the way now. She has yet to respond to me but I guess this does not surprise me. I had hoped to clear things up but I guess that is not happening. I guess it is a good thing I have my work. Eirik also has his new childer, I can spoil him, and Eirik, and Jocey, maybe I'll even make more to spoil. That could be fun. We shall see.

[Renee]

November 17th

The numbers have not changed

A lot has happened in the last three days. I don't know what to do about it all.

My head is spinning with thoughts. Some good some bad. All are simply what if's but that are big what if's. I need someone to talk to about it. I would normally go to Ursa but I don't think I can go to her right now.

Maybe I could go to Jordon but I feel it might be a little odd to talk to him about these tings. Maybe if he and are were closer friends then I could.

It was primal in away. I just let things happen. Didn't over think anything. I just let things go and what happened happened.

Maybe I should let that happen more often. Let my body take over and just do what it wants.

We shall see how things keep going.

[Renee]

Early November 18th

The songs "The Perfect Drug" and "Closer" come to mind when I think about you.

Good thing I'm into Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor other wise my computer might think I was crazy for playing them so much lately.

I hope this keeps up though.

[Renee]

November 23rd

I should get back to my numbers at some point...

I have found that I am slowly becoming covered in more scares. The good thing is they all have a story behind them. It is odd that I rather enjoy thinking about how they came to be. Almost all I can look back on and remember someone that I am close to.

I bring this up because with in the last week I have added to my collection of both scares and memories.

The other night I had a chance meeting. It opened up a lot feelings and memories in me. Now I don't know what to do about it. I need someone to talk to about this but who...

[Renee]

December 5th

I went back to VA the other night. There were something I needed to get out of my system. Luckily for me I had help. True friends are hard to find in this city but I believe I have found one.

The bodies where still there and the house wasn't fully burnt down either. By the time we left it was though and all the ones that died that shouldn't have where laid to rest the right way. I lost it though. Cried everywhere. Not sure how I'll ever get my dress cleaned either from the dirt and blood and it smells like smoke again

Though I guess what with burning bodies all the time I should be use to it by now. The smell does not bother me as much as it use to. Good think I own a club and a butcher shop. It helps to explain some of my messes to my dry cleaners.

Ursa and myself did some wedding browsing last night. Got a lot of good ideas and we talked about love. She has convinced me that I have tumor though I'm sure she would argue the fact. Something has to be wrong with my crazy ***. Only so much of it we can blame on the blood after all. Some of the things are in fact us and there is no real way we can say it's from Jesse.