I'm the one who told him to leave. I'm not sad. I'm not mad. Maybe I can't be in a relationship, since I obviously can't even find the emotions to show that I cared to be in one, in the first place.
Mess with my family, and I can go through all the emotions under the sun. Break up with boyfriend who wanted to be 'engaged' to you. Nope. Nothing. Maybe something is wrong with me, maybe its because I knew he wasn't worth my emotions to begin with, so sub consciously I never gave myself to him.
As cold as this will sound, Journal, but he was in the beginning to the end, a distraction.
Somewhere I belong.
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Dia
- Posts: 47
- Joined: 07 Aug 2011, 23:52
Re: Somewhere I belong.
Time to erect a new tombstone in my secret graveyard of fallen, disappeared and missing family members. A place where I can be alone - left with my memories of better times. To curse the names of whoever was the cause of this, myself included. To silently grieve, for my heart - it breaks - slowly, but surly. Piece by piece is being taken with those who leave me behind.
And here I am, left with nothing more then a creepy graveyard, crazy ideas, and a cold demeanor.
And here I am, left with nothing more then a creepy graveyard, crazy ideas, and a cold demeanor.
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Dia
- Posts: 47
- Joined: 07 Aug 2011, 23:52
Re: Somewhere I belong.
The row boat stopped somewhere in the middle of the black ocean, the waves causing only the slightest of movements back and forth while Velindia stared over the side into the darkness, and into the unseen. The black sky above her matched the water below her and at that moment those two were all she knew.
What lie beneath the waves on the surface? What kind of creatures? Could they hurt her? The water fae? How deep was the water? How cold? Would it swallow her up to never be seen again? A small finger reached over and dipped to test the waters curiously with a small circular motion.
Only a split second later, without out much thought or emotion she fell out and into the harsh coldness of the water. Her body spun only once while under the surface so that her back was downward as she began to sink and the only light from the moon began to grow dim.
It did indeed start to swallow her; it engulfed her body and slowly pulled with its invisible strings at her limbs downward. Her stands of hairs like water snakes trying to float back to the surface in vain.
It took a few minutes, maybe longer for her back to hit and bounce off the soft mud of the bottom. The filament of the oceans bottom becoming rustled with her presence, the particles flying up around her body to accompany her invading presence until it all settled again. Small hands found a rock – one that she set upon her stomach to anchor her to this spot. Eyes closed, arms wrapping around her shoulders she was determined to sleep here for the day, maybe two days.
Time would tell.
(( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMBTvuUl ... ure=relmfu ))
Looking out from underneath,
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me,
As before I went under.
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me,
As before I went under.
What lie beneath the waves on the surface? What kind of creatures? Could they hurt her? The water fae? How deep was the water? How cold? Would it swallow her up to never be seen again? A small finger reached over and dipped to test the waters curiously with a small circular motion.
And it's peaceful in the deep,
Cathedral, you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under.
Cathedral, you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under.
Only a split second later, without out much thought or emotion she fell out and into the harsh coldness of the water. Her body spun only once while under the surface so that her back was downward as she began to sink and the only light from the moon began to grow dim.
And it's breaking over me,
A thousand miles onto the sea bed,
Found the place to rest my head.
A thousand miles onto the sea bed,
Found the place to rest my head.
It did indeed start to swallow her; it engulfed her body and slowly pulled with its invisible strings at her limbs downward. Her stands of hairs like water snakes trying to float back to the surface in vain.
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me.
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me.
It took a few minutes, maybe longer for her back to hit and bounce off the soft mud of the bottom. The filament of the oceans bottom becoming rustled with her presence, the particles flying up around her body to accompany her invading presence until it all settled again. Small hands found a rock – one that she set upon her stomach to anchor her to this spot. Eyes closed, arms wrapping around her shoulders she was determined to sleep here for the day, maybe two days.
In the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold,
And all this devotion I never knew at all,
And the crashes are Heaven, for a sinner released,
And the arms of the ocean,
Deliver me.
And all this devotion I never knew at all,
And the crashes are Heaven, for a sinner released,
And the arms of the ocean,
Deliver me.
Time would tell.
(( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMBTvuUl ... ure=relmfu ))
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Dia
- Posts: 47
- Joined: 07 Aug 2011, 23:52
Re: Somewhere I belong.
If after a major decision you feel off, awkward and just out of place - does it mean that decision you made was the wrong one? Or is this simply how it feels to step out of your comfort and safety zone? Will it go away in time, or in time will this same offness linger on for so long that I simply learn to ignore and live with it?
Have I thought long and hard or was I driven by something else? How should I act, how should I feel? It won't get better like it was, and it isn't better now after the choice was made. I'm left wondering if this is how its supposed to be. And I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want anyone to know. I just want my choice to be that, mine. Without others trying to pick and pry it apart. To twist it, analyze it and make it more then it is.
I'm tired. I just want my zombie friends, and the amusement they hold for me.
Have I thought long and hard or was I driven by something else? How should I act, how should I feel? It won't get better like it was, and it isn't better now after the choice was made. I'm left wondering if this is how its supposed to be. And I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want anyone to know. I just want my choice to be that, mine. Without others trying to pick and pry it apart. To twist it, analyze it and make it more then it is.
I'm tired. I just want my zombie friends, and the amusement they hold for me.
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Dia
- Posts: 47
- Joined: 07 Aug 2011, 23:52
Re: Somewhere I belong.
It’s quiet.
Better yet, It’s peaceful.
I have been enjoying my exclusion from the world. Though maybe past tense now since I sought out company for the first time tonight. You get the most interesting news when you come back around, and it makes you remember why you were in a hidey hole in the first place with your cell phone off to the world. Makes you see that those -once the most close to you-, disappoint you the most now. It’s very saddening. Though I feel I lack the right emotions to care much anyways.
Or maybe it is the fact that they are close to you that you allow yourself to feel disappointed by them. And to believe otherwise would be lying to yourself. Meh, whatever.
You’re a disappointment, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Surprisingly, I felt the familiar calling a few nights ago. The turn and twist of a welcomed bond calling me, summoning me to a familiar place – Next to an all too familiar man. Another face that was once close to me - now estranged like the rest of em. I only managed a short walk around the place, dipping my feet into the pool for a few. See, I was locked in and unable to escape the 2nd floor – and knowingly he must have knew that. He summoned me out again shortly. Words weren't spoken. Was it so I would see this familiar place – reminisce on what once was? So I would feel guilt? So I would regret? Maybe it was to comfort? Nah, don’t kid yourself, Dia.
He was simply testing the bond, seeing if it would work.
Seeing if I would still allow him to be able to pull my strings.
I just wonder now, - do I continue to let him?
Better yet, It’s peaceful.
I have been enjoying my exclusion from the world. Though maybe past tense now since I sought out company for the first time tonight. You get the most interesting news when you come back around, and it makes you remember why you were in a hidey hole in the first place with your cell phone off to the world. Makes you see that those -once the most close to you-, disappoint you the most now. It’s very saddening. Though I feel I lack the right emotions to care much anyways.
Or maybe it is the fact that they are close to you that you allow yourself to feel disappointed by them. And to believe otherwise would be lying to yourself. Meh, whatever.
You’re a disappointment, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Surprisingly, I felt the familiar calling a few nights ago. The turn and twist of a welcomed bond calling me, summoning me to a familiar place – Next to an all too familiar man. Another face that was once close to me - now estranged like the rest of em. I only managed a short walk around the place, dipping my feet into the pool for a few. See, I was locked in and unable to escape the 2nd floor – and knowingly he must have knew that. He summoned me out again shortly. Words weren't spoken. Was it so I would see this familiar place – reminisce on what once was? So I would feel guilt? So I would regret? Maybe it was to comfort? Nah, don’t kid yourself, Dia.
He was simply testing the bond, seeing if it would work.
Seeing if I would still allow him to be able to pull my strings.
I just wonder now, - do I continue to let him?
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Dia
- Posts: 47
- Joined: 07 Aug 2011, 23:52
Re: Somewhere I belong.
He knows where I stand.
And I know where he stands.
And we’ll still love each other for it. As always.
It’ll be fine, and I’ll get to branch out and explore the world while not chained down by the responsibilities I admittedly gave myself. I would never abandon those responsibilities; I just won’t let them be the only thing I know anymore. Simple as that.
Maybe if people get to know me, they’ll stop making the stupid assumptions. Maybe if I get out more, from under his wing – They’ll stop with the outrageous thoughts about me. Maybe if they took the time to ask someone who knows me –or myself even - They’d learn quickly who I am. What I am about, and how wrong those assumptions are.
I’m caring. I’ll care and worry about those I deem important to me. And to those I don’t know, I’ll always be courteous and professional towards them. To those I don’t like even, calm and collected. .
And then when you really get to know me, you’ll know of the fun I can be, of my quirky nature that a few see. And you’ll understand then, why those close to me – Like to stay that way.
Cause I’m not as bad, as I hear you like to say.
But no one, is without someone disliking them, I guess. It's a shame, I rather like the poetic idea of turning someone who doesn't like me, into a friend.
And I know where he stands.
And we’ll still love each other for it. As always.
It’ll be fine, and I’ll get to branch out and explore the world while not chained down by the responsibilities I admittedly gave myself. I would never abandon those responsibilities; I just won’t let them be the only thing I know anymore. Simple as that.
Maybe if people get to know me, they’ll stop making the stupid assumptions. Maybe if I get out more, from under his wing – They’ll stop with the outrageous thoughts about me. Maybe if they took the time to ask someone who knows me –or myself even - They’d learn quickly who I am. What I am about, and how wrong those assumptions are.
I’m caring. I’ll care and worry about those I deem important to me. And to those I don’t know, I’ll always be courteous and professional towards them. To those I don’t like even, calm and collected. .
And then when you really get to know me, you’ll know of the fun I can be, of my quirky nature that a few see. And you’ll understand then, why those close to me – Like to stay that way.
Cause I’m not as bad, as I hear you like to say.
But no one, is without someone disliking them, I guess. It's a shame, I rather like the poetic idea of turning someone who doesn't like me, into a friend.
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Dia
- Posts: 47
- Joined: 07 Aug 2011, 23:52
Re: Somewhere I belong.
Changes, Changes, Changes.
So much has changed in just a couple of months. Things escalating out of my control, and because of my lack of drive to change anything anymore - I couldn't stop it. Actually, I probably in fact just helped escalate things into a place I never wanted them to be. I want so badly to be able to say I did everything I could do to stop it, but I did not. I watched it fail to pieces, I then poked and prodded at those pieces to ensure t hey were properly scattered. Then I do what I also do, I regret. I try and mend, I try to fix those pieces, those bonds with people. I do not actively destroy anything, I just do not cease it either. I only try to fix it once it is properly torn to shreds. Damn me.
My aloofness finally got the best of me when I watched the relationship with my childe and me finally crumble into what should have been unfixable. I was a different person then, I was not the best friend she knew and loved and I could not understand why I did not receive the respect that I thought I should from her. We were too close as humans, equals. I get that now, I shouldn't have thought she was under me - She is my equal and not mine to control or boss around. I understand this all now, but it was only after a long heartbreaking trip back home to Chicago with her that it dawned on me. Not only that, but the memories long lost of the person I used to be have returned to me. I'm so ashamed, and hurt by my own actions. It's a damn mess, and I can only hope to make up for what the other me, the one without the memories of us being sisters - did. I can fix this, and I will. It is my M.O after all.
It's been slow go, but all the memories and feelings of closeness with me and Catalina have returned and we have returned to how we used to be. I love that woman. Now I only ask for patience and understanding as I try to work around what it feels like to different people living inside of me. Similar in so many ways, but unlike in as many. The vampire Dia had enough time to grow, learn and developed her own personality before I had time to recover old human memories, and now, day to day is a constant struggle to mix the two personalities, to be the best of both. It's so hard. I don't interact with most people anymore, I just can't seem to get it right. I have told very few people of my memories returning. Two I believe. And now you, stupid piece of paper. Not even Wolfgang knows. But he is a whole different story of regrets.
It seems I only mend one road to destroy another. However, I refuse to take full blame for this one. I am no victim, but neither is he. I assumed we were fine, but he holds everything against me. Every little fight, instantly my fault and though it gets resolved - This is what he holds onto. The fights, not the fix. Let it go, Let it go. My anger to how my Catalina was being treated left me making a huge choice, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't in anger. I can't stand by and let her be bullied, so I left. The others think it was from some deep seeded reason, I'm sure. But that it why, as I said before 'I just want my choice to be that, mine. Without others trying to pick and pry it apart. To twist it, analyze it and make it more then it is. '
Because that is what they do, they make it more than it is. It's simple, the place I belong is not there. I wished for the best of that place, truly.
After I took my leave, I practiced my hacking abilities on Wolfs business. As I have done in the past - WITHOUT HIM GETTING ANGERY- However this time, he took it personal. Maybe it wasn't the best time to practice with me just having left. I can see how that might be taken the wrong way. But I didn't even plant any viruses. I didn't do anything malicious. Him being upset about it, made me angry. I could have explained, but I was too mad and of course, poked and prodded those pieces. Scattering them. It still wasn't ill intent - But as always, everyone is always so quick to see what they want to see. They assume I am bad, so they see everything I do as bad. I can't change this, I can't nor would I want to change you. I just only ever wanted for you to see me. See all I tried to do for you, and to be appreciated for it. I never was. Maybe it's because I got my memories back that I found leaving the most appropriate thing to do. Though I know for sure that the aftermath, the backlash I got for my own choice as an adult - proved to me that I can never do any right. I am always in the wrong. For, I am always going to be viewed as the bad guy. Too bad I can't find it in me to truly act like one. Maybe that its vampire Dias doing. She still loves. So strongly. Maybe I can eventually find the perfect medium, to let my human memories be just memories. To let my new vampire future learn from those memories to be a brand new person.
So much has changed in just a couple of months. Things escalating out of my control, and because of my lack of drive to change anything anymore - I couldn't stop it. Actually, I probably in fact just helped escalate things into a place I never wanted them to be. I want so badly to be able to say I did everything I could do to stop it, but I did not. I watched it fail to pieces, I then poked and prodded at those pieces to ensure t hey were properly scattered. Then I do what I also do, I regret. I try and mend, I try to fix those pieces, those bonds with people. I do not actively destroy anything, I just do not cease it either. I only try to fix it once it is properly torn to shreds. Damn me.
My aloofness finally got the best of me when I watched the relationship with my childe and me finally crumble into what should have been unfixable. I was a different person then, I was not the best friend she knew and loved and I could not understand why I did not receive the respect that I thought I should from her. We were too close as humans, equals. I get that now, I shouldn't have thought she was under me - She is my equal and not mine to control or boss around. I understand this all now, but it was only after a long heartbreaking trip back home to Chicago with her that it dawned on me. Not only that, but the memories long lost of the person I used to be have returned to me. I'm so ashamed, and hurt by my own actions. It's a damn mess, and I can only hope to make up for what the other me, the one without the memories of us being sisters - did. I can fix this, and I will. It is my M.O after all.
It's been slow go, but all the memories and feelings of closeness with me and Catalina have returned and we have returned to how we used to be. I love that woman. Now I only ask for patience and understanding as I try to work around what it feels like to different people living inside of me. Similar in so many ways, but unlike in as many. The vampire Dia had enough time to grow, learn and developed her own personality before I had time to recover old human memories, and now, day to day is a constant struggle to mix the two personalities, to be the best of both. It's so hard. I don't interact with most people anymore, I just can't seem to get it right. I have told very few people of my memories returning. Two I believe. And now you, stupid piece of paper. Not even Wolfgang knows. But he is a whole different story of regrets.
It seems I only mend one road to destroy another. However, I refuse to take full blame for this one. I am no victim, but neither is he. I assumed we were fine, but he holds everything against me. Every little fight, instantly my fault and though it gets resolved - This is what he holds onto. The fights, not the fix. Let it go, Let it go. My anger to how my Catalina was being treated left me making a huge choice, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't in anger. I can't stand by and let her be bullied, so I left. The others think it was from some deep seeded reason, I'm sure. But that it why, as I said before 'I just want my choice to be that, mine. Without others trying to pick and pry it apart. To twist it, analyze it and make it more then it is. '
Because that is what they do, they make it more than it is. It's simple, the place I belong is not there. I wished for the best of that place, truly.
After I took my leave, I practiced my hacking abilities on Wolfs business. As I have done in the past - WITHOUT HIM GETTING ANGERY- However this time, he took it personal. Maybe it wasn't the best time to practice with me just having left. I can see how that might be taken the wrong way. But I didn't even plant any viruses. I didn't do anything malicious. Him being upset about it, made me angry. I could have explained, but I was too mad and of course, poked and prodded those pieces. Scattering them. It still wasn't ill intent - But as always, everyone is always so quick to see what they want to see. They assume I am bad, so they see everything I do as bad. I can't change this, I can't nor would I want to change you. I just only ever wanted for you to see me. See all I tried to do for you, and to be appreciated for it. I never was. Maybe it's because I got my memories back that I found leaving the most appropriate thing to do. Though I know for sure that the aftermath, the backlash I got for my own choice as an adult - proved to me that I can never do any right. I am always in the wrong. For, I am always going to be viewed as the bad guy. Too bad I can't find it in me to truly act like one. Maybe that its vampire Dias doing. She still loves. So strongly. Maybe I can eventually find the perfect medium, to let my human memories be just memories. To let my new vampire future learn from those memories to be a brand new person.