Re: "Blood Spatter" - Psyche's Journal
Posted: 04 Feb 2014, 18:05
02-04-2014
I had hoped to get back to this **** earlier on, but as is the case with me quite often as of late.....that just didn't happen. Ah well. I can't seem to help out. Lately I just feel so friggin' drained. I'm beginning to wonder if something's wrong with me... scratch that. really, I believe I already know the answer to that.
So, back onto whatever the hell I was writing about yesterday; after a bit more thought on the subject of this last month and a half, I'm quite certain now that I was stuck again. I seem to have an affinity for that place if I don't occupy my mind for long enough. Vathia and I seem to be like polar opposites and it's a flame that this moth can't seem to resist; even if it's entire structure is completely out of my control. Maybe that's part of it's appeal... the chaos? Art in itself is uncontrollable. It's malleable. You can mold and structure it; but at the end of the day it's end-state will be what the recesses of your mind have constructed it to become whether it was your intent or not. It's jazz on an easel. Beautiful chaos.
I suppose, perhaps, my standing in any of my social circles hasn't helped the matter at all. While I have many I can seemingly speak to, enjoy their company, share a laugh and my usual idiot antics... there seem to be few I am truly close with. There are those select few that I feel I can confide in and whom I ensure know that they can confide in me. But few whom I feel will ever make the approach to seek me out. I seem to often be on the search for company, and it seldom searching for me. I'm sure it's my own doing with my continued sporadic absence of the mind. Why search out the guy who's, most likely, just going to be staring at the wall again? It's saddening to me and a double-edged sword that I am just going to have to contend with. The loneliness that compels my mind to return to Vathia, versus the absent mind that suggests to others I'm not a suitable friend in my own chaotic state. C'est la vie.
As I think on this previous month of...well...damn near catatonicness, I'm more and more compelled to believe that I wasn't actually IN Vathia as I'm assuming I was. No, this time was different. It wasn't as....random. It seemed rather like I was trapped in my own dreaming, actually. You know like how ESPN does the Sports Highlights and recaps on stats and play-by-plays of the entirety of sports? It was sort of like that....but concerning my own existence. Going over scenarios of my own relationships....and even providing me a clarity on many of them, as I get to take a look from the outside.
Ari. I've become perhaps closer to Ari than I have anyone else in this city over the last few months. At some point perhaps I even believed it was of a more romantic interest. And in some form or fashion, maybe I'm right, but not in the formal sense of the term, I suppose. It's intimate, surely... atleast it is for me. But I do not feel....urged... to her. I don't get that sense of jealousy or possession. It's not quite the feel of a sibling or anything, but more of a plutonic bond. Perhaps it's a magnetism of wanting to share time and space with someone as socially estranged as myself.
Zodiac. I've not spoken near enough with my beloved gypsy as of late. Since her seperation from Ty, perhaps I have felt as though she wouldn't want anything to do with me. I know now, that's not the case and we're still just as close as we've ever been. This is good. I've missed her company... I really have. It's a strange thought, really. There was a point where perhaps.... if there was anyone I thought I'd have wanted to share my affections with in a more formal fashion... it would have been her. I just don't think I felt any mutual affection shared in return, perhaps. I suppose it doesn't matter, I'm beginning to think perhaps it's just best I remain distanced from anyone getting too close to me.
Jesse. You know.... I don't ever really interact with Jesse, and yet there has always been a sense of...similarity. Yes, we've both shared in disability; though he seems to be overcoming his own, I think it's been a bit beyond that. I can't really fathom why. Perhaps it's the love of the art and in our own form or fashion have connected with our own works of art in a muc h more intimate way than most other artists have ever become. I can't imagine not being able to speak. To be spoken to and not be able to respond without knowing you're about to make it known that you aren't the same. I'm sure that has a terrible affect on someone, making them want to close out other people and avoid the situation entirely. No, I don't know that. But I do know what it's like to not ever know for sure if someone cares to speak with you. Are they actively looking to share your company? Or is it just because you've actively sought them out? It's always been a quiet world, the one I lived in. Never a voice to console me or a song to comfort me. Not since I was very young....not since everything was taken from me and left me cold, alone, and without a word to guide me further. That had it's own affect on me. One begins to find comfort in their own voice. Not an audible one; that internal voice we all have. Anyways... I'm not sure what's been up with Jesse as of late. I've seen a few tell-tale explanations but not sure I truly want to delve into it, if he doesn't wish to speak on it. It's really too bad he's become so stand-offish though. I feel like perhaps if anyone could relate, he could.
I suppose none of it really matters. It's always been this way... it's not going to change. Aphyon's coming into her own quite independantly. Well... that and through Sangue. I'm not sure how great of a sire I've been. Since the night that poor little librarian's been turned I've been little more than a random face she's seen. Sure we share a bond of my blood and I always ensure to check on her. I always hope one night she's going to come to me with a variety of questions, looking for help or assistance.. or some form of guidance. But she's just as independent as I was. I wonder now if perhaps Scorpia didn't feel that way with me. I felt the need to prove that I could do it on my own. Be my own person and not depend upon the hand-outs of my elders. I wanted to make them all proud. Am I missing that from Aphyon? Is she seeking to do the same thing, looking for a sire's pride? You'd think as a telepath I could pick up on this sort of thing... but then perhaps that's not a spoken voice. I don't exactly have the ability to read emotions very well, as I do with thoughts. We need to talk.
The world's as chaotic as ever. It's beautiful and surprising each and every day.....it can just be so damn frustrating as well.
I had hoped to get back to this **** earlier on, but as is the case with me quite often as of late.....that just didn't happen. Ah well. I can't seem to help out. Lately I just feel so friggin' drained. I'm beginning to wonder if something's wrong with me... scratch that. really, I believe I already know the answer to that.
So, back onto whatever the hell I was writing about yesterday; after a bit more thought on the subject of this last month and a half, I'm quite certain now that I was stuck again. I seem to have an affinity for that place if I don't occupy my mind for long enough. Vathia and I seem to be like polar opposites and it's a flame that this moth can't seem to resist; even if it's entire structure is completely out of my control. Maybe that's part of it's appeal... the chaos? Art in itself is uncontrollable. It's malleable. You can mold and structure it; but at the end of the day it's end-state will be what the recesses of your mind have constructed it to become whether it was your intent or not. It's jazz on an easel. Beautiful chaos.
I suppose, perhaps, my standing in any of my social circles hasn't helped the matter at all. While I have many I can seemingly speak to, enjoy their company, share a laugh and my usual idiot antics... there seem to be few I am truly close with. There are those select few that I feel I can confide in and whom I ensure know that they can confide in me. But few whom I feel will ever make the approach to seek me out. I seem to often be on the search for company, and it seldom searching for me. I'm sure it's my own doing with my continued sporadic absence of the mind. Why search out the guy who's, most likely, just going to be staring at the wall again? It's saddening to me and a double-edged sword that I am just going to have to contend with. The loneliness that compels my mind to return to Vathia, versus the absent mind that suggests to others I'm not a suitable friend in my own chaotic state. C'est la vie.
As I think on this previous month of...well...damn near catatonicness, I'm more and more compelled to believe that I wasn't actually IN Vathia as I'm assuming I was. No, this time was different. It wasn't as....random. It seemed rather like I was trapped in my own dreaming, actually. You know like how ESPN does the Sports Highlights and recaps on stats and play-by-plays of the entirety of sports? It was sort of like that....but concerning my own existence. Going over scenarios of my own relationships....and even providing me a clarity on many of them, as I get to take a look from the outside.
Ari. I've become perhaps closer to Ari than I have anyone else in this city over the last few months. At some point perhaps I even believed it was of a more romantic interest. And in some form or fashion, maybe I'm right, but not in the formal sense of the term, I suppose. It's intimate, surely... atleast it is for me. But I do not feel....urged... to her. I don't get that sense of jealousy or possession. It's not quite the feel of a sibling or anything, but more of a plutonic bond. Perhaps it's a magnetism of wanting to share time and space with someone as socially estranged as myself.
Zodiac. I've not spoken near enough with my beloved gypsy as of late. Since her seperation from Ty, perhaps I have felt as though she wouldn't want anything to do with me. I know now, that's not the case and we're still just as close as we've ever been. This is good. I've missed her company... I really have. It's a strange thought, really. There was a point where perhaps.... if there was anyone I thought I'd have wanted to share my affections with in a more formal fashion... it would have been her. I just don't think I felt any mutual affection shared in return, perhaps. I suppose it doesn't matter, I'm beginning to think perhaps it's just best I remain distanced from anyone getting too close to me.
Jesse. You know.... I don't ever really interact with Jesse, and yet there has always been a sense of...similarity. Yes, we've both shared in disability; though he seems to be overcoming his own, I think it's been a bit beyond that. I can't really fathom why. Perhaps it's the love of the art and in our own form or fashion have connected with our own works of art in a muc h more intimate way than most other artists have ever become. I can't imagine not being able to speak. To be spoken to and not be able to respond without knowing you're about to make it known that you aren't the same. I'm sure that has a terrible affect on someone, making them want to close out other people and avoid the situation entirely. No, I don't know that. But I do know what it's like to not ever know for sure if someone cares to speak with you. Are they actively looking to share your company? Or is it just because you've actively sought them out? It's always been a quiet world, the one I lived in. Never a voice to console me or a song to comfort me. Not since I was very young....not since everything was taken from me and left me cold, alone, and without a word to guide me further. That had it's own affect on me. One begins to find comfort in their own voice. Not an audible one; that internal voice we all have. Anyways... I'm not sure what's been up with Jesse as of late. I've seen a few tell-tale explanations but not sure I truly want to delve into it, if he doesn't wish to speak on it. It's really too bad he's become so stand-offish though. I feel like perhaps if anyone could relate, he could.
I suppose none of it really matters. It's always been this way... it's not going to change. Aphyon's coming into her own quite independantly. Well... that and through Sangue. I'm not sure how great of a sire I've been. Since the night that poor little librarian's been turned I've been little more than a random face she's seen. Sure we share a bond of my blood and I always ensure to check on her. I always hope one night she's going to come to me with a variety of questions, looking for help or assistance.. or some form of guidance. But she's just as independent as I was. I wonder now if perhaps Scorpia didn't feel that way with me. I felt the need to prove that I could do it on my own. Be my own person and not depend upon the hand-outs of my elders. I wanted to make them all proud. Am I missing that from Aphyon? Is she seeking to do the same thing, looking for a sire's pride? You'd think as a telepath I could pick up on this sort of thing... but then perhaps that's not a spoken voice. I don't exactly have the ability to read emotions very well, as I do with thoughts. We need to talk.
The world's as chaotic as ever. It's beautiful and surprising each and every day.....it can just be so damn frustrating as well.