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I have come to learn, that as a whole, society is never happy with what it is they possess. Nor is the individual.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
I do love a good surprise.
This one has yet to be filed as good.
Still, in a time when life is ever so boring and quiet, a surprise is always welcomed.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
Lost.
It has been more than two months since he became lost within the shadows. He told me not to worry when things like this happen, but still, I do. I think any good wife would be worried for their husband should this much time have passed without any word from him.
While he is lost, I too feel lost. All the ambitions I once had, the dreams and aspirations have fallen into darkness. Into the shadows as I wait for him each night to return. I know he will, but this piece of information does not make things easier. Or make one feel any better.
Sometimes I wonder if he will be the truth death of me.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
Regan and Roan have been back for just under 011101000111011101101111 months now. Neither speak to me, but both flit into my life. I summon both and speak to them, yet they 011100110110000101111001 nothing in return. Regan goes as far as to inspire me every so often. At least, I still have the ability to call either to me at a whim.
It appears Rocklin has returned as well. With his wife, Jacinthe. 01000010011011110111010001101000 speak to me 0110100101101110 their own way. Rocklin, far more....aggressive, for a lack of better word, than Jacinthe. I often wish to 01110100011001010110110001101100 him 01110100011010000110000101110100 0110100001100101 is wasting his time. That Rocklin should seek out someone else that have far better conversational pieces than I do at the moment. Which are 01101110011011110110111001100101.
Jacinthe spoke to me this evening. She inquired about my state of being. I wonder why. I am certain they know by now that he has been absent from my life for some time. Yet, they say nothing about him.
I sired someone for the first time in about a year. I call him Cosi for short. He is a gruff man, and a little rough around the edges, but there is something about him that amuses me still. That makes me keep staying here when I would rather not. Perhaps it is the deep sense of obligation, for I did sire him. Or perhaps it is something else. Perhaps it has nothing to do with him.
I wait for your return each evening, but I am afraid. Afraid that when you return things shall not be the same. That you will like me not the same.
But still, I wait.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
I go out again because of Cosi. I stay in this realm because of him too. Of course there are the others, such as Lisa, but she is busy with her own childre, so I bother her not. Everyone has things to do and adding one more thing to the list; such as amusing me or even attempting to these nights is unfair of me to ask.
Just as I believe it was unfair of me to ask Jacinthe to search for the most treasured thing I have lost and missed the most-Shamus. If I cannot find him, how on earth should she be able to? My task was unfair. I should tell her as such. I am certain her hands are full with Rocklin.
Quiet, something I once minded not, bothers me so now. It reminds me how alone I am. And as I sit there and watch the time pass and the clock strikes midnight again, the quiet that once was, that no longer is tells me that yet another evening has passed.
Elise continues to bring up wretched ideas. Tells me things I should do, or not do. That I should forget about him because he has long forgotten about me and everyone in our family. I have sent her away from the house, for I cannot bear to hear another second of her unwanted thoughts spoken in my direction. This hurts her so, I see it on her face, but can she not see the hurt upon my face when she says the things she says?
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
Mister Ripper sought me out earlier this evening. He spoke of a man who is new, but is not. Ambrose Acheron is his name.He gave the man my number to call.
There were a lot more things we conversed about. He mentioned that Myk was concerned about my state of mind, or something similar. I like Myk. He is very kind and intelligent. And amusing as well. I am most glad he is in my household. It seems he and Mister Ripper are good friends.
Mister Ripper also mentioned other things. Things that disturb me because they are things I do not remember and things no one has mentioned before him. Why has no one mentioned this before Mister Ripper? Do they deem it not important, or is there some other reason? Perhaps they fear for my delicate state, even though I am no delicate woman.
He claims from what he saw and knew we were happy when we were married. When I was married to the French vampire. I cannot believe such a thing is true, but he swore it upon his life that it was. And, if he is in my phone book, that must mean that Mister Ripper and I are friends, even if on some basic premise. So why would a friend lie to me, or make up such a story? They wouldn't.
Why has Shamus not mentioned the marriage I was in before we were married? Insecurity? He certainly does not broach me as a man who is insecure. Yet, I am led to believe I have had no marriage between my human one and him. This is most disturbing. And to be left alone with these thoughts...
Mister Ripper says I need to get out more. Meet others like me, perhaps. Telepath vampires. Or, to just get out. It is an interesting proposition, but I am in no hurry to venture out in a world that leads me confused and filled with questions.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
I often think that people forget time is not as linear as it once was when they are sired. There is no hurry to rush things to achieve the correct answer. To achieve ones full potential. Time will continue onwards, but it is no longer our scale of measurement as a vampire. What is, you might ask? I know not the answer, but since we are no longer bound by time, it cannot be that.
I often think of this when Shamus and I cannot agree on when it was he disappeared. My mind is slowly repairing itself, but there is still a great void and vacancy of events; important and not so important. I just hope that we are as happy now, as we were then, before he disappeared. If not happier.
Cosi has spoken about a woman to me. I am uncertain who this woman is, but I try not to pry. Relationships will bloom as they are meant to, when the timing is right. I just hope who ever this woman is, she is most careful with his heart. I adore Cosi, and often feel bad for the way in which he was brought into this life. But not bad enough to dwell upon it for too long. I made the right decision, and I hope he also knows this now.
There is a man that I run into from time to time. Can you believe I had not known that I could speak French until he spoke to me? Regardless of what Mister Ripper had said about this mysterious ex-Frenchman, and the fact that we live in Canada, a country that is as fluent in French as it is with the English language. We are pleasant enough to the other. I wonder if I know him. If he is part of my family, yet no one speaks French within our walls.
Reynold is most unhappy with me, but I care not. He has been given a task and he is not to remove himself from it, unless I call upon him.
My Chicory has been so quiet lately. It both worries and bothers me. I shall seek her out. Even if I know time is not our scale of measurement, I cannot help but notice how silent she has been. Silence speaks volumes; so perhaps that is what I should be using to measure with now.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
I was approached some evenings ago by Serendipity. She is married-no, bound to another. His name is Robert. She appears to be most happy. She speaks of this relationship as it is a part of her. Has touched her profoundly. It reminds me of myself and Shamus. I feel how he feels. I miss him terribly when we are apart. I am thrilled that she is happy and have found another to share this life with. I have yet to meet this man she speaks of, she says he is always busy with his rituals, but I am patient. Not that I have asked or she has suggested such a meeting, but I suppose it will happen when the mood strikes them.
There are these followers of the Crow. I have met with a couple of them in the last fortnight or so. My stance is decided. I will trust in her wisdom, as had my sire at one point. I wonder if I desire to help her succeed for my own private reasons, or for the good of our entire species. I think it is alright to help for both reasons. To see another place exist in which our kind can live without fear of the permanent death. To hope that should we move away from Harper Rock and start anew, that those I call my family will once again be the family we once were. About a handful of years ago. I miss a great deal of them. My Lisa is so quiet, that it brings me great pain to think of her. She was always quiet, but it has been almost a year of silence. Regan, perhaps he can find happiness and the life he desires in a new city and we can mend those broken bridges. Every now and again I feel his presence in my life. It is like a mere summer's night breeze caressing my skin before the dawn rises and the hot sticky air suffocates that comforting breeze. Gaijin and Emily I imagine will stay here. For wherever I go, I imagine they would not. I think about Emily on the occasion, for she is my direct blood. My human blood, so how can I not think of her when I know there is a part of me that will remain here? Where I died and was reborn?
I believe Valon would leave, so long as Tari did too. I believe it matters not where they go, or where they live, they would adapt just fine. I also imagine that if I ask it, he would come. And I would. I would ask them both. I know not about Cosimo-the life I granted him has been blessed. So I hope. He met some woman that he loves and since then...I could not say what he is doing or thinking. He clearly loves her, as he spends his nights away, and with her, I assume and so to ask him to leave would be unfair to the pair of them. I would not ask such a thing. Vincent was gone before I had a chance to know him more than a few encounters. I knew him well enough, but not on a deeper connection. I knew his quirk and some of his flaws, but not his favourite colors, his favourite music or the last book in which he read. My latest and perhaps final childe to have been sired, Ramsey...I believe she would have no troubles moving from here and starting anew. I need to get to know her better, in truth and that is something I plan on doing. And finally, my Roan. While with some, I cannot ask them to leave due to reasons of their own personal interest and desires, this one...I fear I cannot ask her such a thing for the safety of us all. For her own safety. She is the biggest tragedy of them all, and it breaks my heart to think of the madness she has inherited from the realm and from my blood. She will not ever be the same. She cannot ever be the same. We cannot ever be in the same city, so long as the madness runs deep within her. While Gaijin has crafted his own path and family name for superficial and ill-informed reasons, I feel the most failure when it comes to her, than to him.
Yes, I am slightly selfish in my desires. To have what I once had, but I know this needs to happen. I have been here almost five years and I still appear to be the same age as I was the day in which I was reborn. In another five years...what will people think and say then? While I am selfish, I am practical and logical. I cannot very well say in five years from now that I am in my thirties. And even if I can, in another ten from now, no one would believe that I am in my forties. My need to survive and to ensure those in my line survive will always make me selfish. It is who I am. It is my flaw.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
We are all doomed. Every single one of us. We have failed our families and ourselves. Most of all, we have failed our species. We will die, time and time again because we allowed her to leave. We abandoned her, when she needed us for a change. We spat in her face. We deserve to die. An eternity of repetitive darkness, is a kind punishment for our betrayal.
We deserve it as a whole...but what if there was one last chance? One last hope? To find her. To find her and potentially a new place? A new city? One such as this one...hundreds of years ago? Fresh? Barely tainted by the masses of our kindred brethren and sisters? One would not know if such a place existed-if she still existed, unless they try and see for themselves.
And so, some of us go. I have not asked others. I feel it unfair to ask them to leave for a place that offers a permanent death should trouble find us. Unfair to leave this life that they have built and created. Perhaps it is unfair of me to leave, along with the few of us in search of her, or this other place; I can recognize that. And accept its unfairness. I can accept that they may feel abandoned, but if I find her, or this place, they will be the first to hear of it, and then it will be their choice to come and stay. For now though, I can offer them nothing but potential disappointment and a waste of time-even if time is endless for all our kind.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
