Shadow Trifecta : Change [Closed]

[River Illia]

[Written Journal not viewable online]

Day 10.

Haven't seem anybody really lately Book. Well course I've seen Deathy but other then that I've only really talked ta Phoe on and off. I can't wrap my head around this ********. Even the thought is makin my head hurt worse.

And I think..well .. I think the shadows are doing something to me. I noticed today my feet are starting to look different. Less like my feet. Or maybe I'm just really flippin off the edge of reality. I know that some of the shadows from the SR followed me back, or hitched a ride. Who knows, I just know that I keep seeing them out of the corner of my eye.

It's probably just me being so angry and confused but then I can't help that. Well I'm trying to help that because after the fight with Deathy, I know hes worried about me. But hes better at accepting all this I guess.

I hate that I feel like the only one who can see the truth anymore. Everybody else just wants it to go away. They want a fresh slate like new snow on a grave. But I remember what Pappy told me about trying to bury sins. Can't hide them forever, they always rear their ugly heads. Either deal or get the hell out of the burning barn.

But I'm shutting my mouth. Phoe doesn't want me to do anything rash but then shes so tired from all the nonsense I think she wants to forget about it all for a while. Can't say I blame her. But it hurts that I can't even talk to Habs anymore without wanting to say something that will sound hurtful but isn't meant to be.

Damn it I just looked at my feet again and my ankles are all...weird now. Crap. And for some reason my toes have black nail polish on them. What in the hell is going on here. Later book I have to go concentrate and see if I can't make this crap stop happening.

R.

[River Illia]

Day 13.

Now its my shoulders. I don't think Deathy has noticed any changes so maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't there. But I feel different. Shadows clinging to me 24/7. I can't even leave without them swirling around me. Lately its been a problem even appearing in front of shop people.

And then theres this nail polish ****, I don't even wear freakin nail polish book!!! But now my nails keep poppin up with these random shades of red and black.

I can't believe Im over the edge, I mean the other day I looked in the mirror and my hair flashes blond. I know its the shadows

And if that isn't enough book, I have an invitation in my hand to the family yule thang. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go really. I mean the liars will be there now we're all one big happy family. It burns my *** that the lies are accepted and everything is supposed to be forgotten.

But I don't want to hurt Habs feelings by not going espicially since according to deathy, he won't go if I don't. Fracked up days book.

-R

[River Illia]

Day 15.

Don't want to talk about the party, I'll save that for my mind just in case. Focus on the better news, My pariah is back! Before I thought cajun boy was a girl, but I must have been half drugged from all the healings I had during that time. Anyways, my cajun boy has brought a few more smiles to my face. Hes so focused on findin dead stuff and experimentin with it. Must be all that voodoo magic that lays within his soul. Today I introduced him to Deathy and Phoe officially, so he would know who to trust if I got stuck in the SR anytime soon. Now I just have to pin Ethe and Caelan down to do that same. Course they can always go to Habs, but with status quo now I don't want to have to worry that the two liars will lure them off and kill them.

Changes suck book. After I got back from the party I noticed my skin was startin to lighten up and its not like I've been sunbathin or **** like that. I think the shadows are up ta somethin. Its those damn SR shadows that stuck to me comin back. They keep whisperin how lonely they were and how they wanna stay. I don't mind I guess, but **** I don't get why they gotta change me. Last night for example, I woke up and my hair was blond instead of brown. I notice they don't follow me ta the huntin grounds, to much light there I think..or people. Regardless I'm hella tempted ta just camp out there and see if the changes stop. But I like my big bed and the new furniture I got from that Mortll chick.

Oh and got my gun back book. I know I said I'd kill the liars but I gotta plan first. One of em has these new powers with shitloads of copies, so I gotta stake em out and find out which one is real. The other is better at hidin so I'm bein careful. Slippin in and out of shadows so they don't see me.

Same old book. Gotta plan **** to save ****.

R.

[River Illia]

Day 19.

Now I really don't know whats going on. I look in the mirror and I look completely different. Blond, darker eyes even my boobs are bigger. I just. Nobody else seems to notice. Not even deathy. I just don't know book. Its fucked up and I can't make this **** stop.

Worse, I think I tore out pages out of ya. Except..why would I do that? I don't write nothin in here I can't come back and read. Doesn't matter, I know the pages are gone. I thought maybe cajun boy did it, but he's so bouncy hes all over the place, I can't see him staying still enough ta steal them. And Deathy wouldn't ever read this out of respect.

Ew I look like some goth princess and it annoys me. My shadows however are whispering happily.

And now book I have to talk about what just happened. Well its a long *** story really. Kept my mind off the shadows changin me to look..disgusting. So today phoe hit me up to help her with bounties. I helped her on and off before with the hellhounds but I'd gotten out of the habit. Anyways phoe asked me, showed up and it turned out there was a couple of people on the list. One of whom was Seb. Now mind ya I have nothin against him. And knowin that shitloads of hunters were after him for his bounty, I figured I'd hit him and bein family it'd be less of a crime cause he'd know it wasn't meant badly.

Now mind ya book I did forget that I probably should have mentioned it ta habs that I did this, but I got busy huntin and killin bears and stuff. Anyways course then habs is all upset and texting me. Now yanno book that I have been avoiding talkin ta her cause ..I just don't know how ta. Once I found out about her lettin amara killin her after all that woman has done ta her, I knew somethin was wrong. But that doesn't make it any easier ta tell her any of what I believe. I admit I haven't been dealing well with the ****, hence why I haven't said anything to her. I didn't want to come off as too upset when I owe her my existence.

Besides that, tonight, I almost fell off my bed in shock. Not only was she all convinced we had killed seb ta be mean and spiteful, but she was talkin of banishin Phoe! I mean ya phoe's a hothead but shes always killed bounties and hell shes even said she'd kill family. But she deserves banishing for that? When they wouldn't banish Leir or Mara for the **** they pulled. But phoe is just bein herself..and its ban worthy?

I don't know what ta think book. Its like a flashback to the asylums and Dr. Evils who poisoned people to keep them sick. I know phoe and them won't believe me but I think that hab's got fucked with somehow by amara when she got killed.

I just wish it would stop. This bickerin, the hypocrisy. All of it.

R.

[River Illia]

(I apologize in advance for the pain this may cause others lolz. >>)

Da' 20somethin

Dreunk tonigh book. to upset ta tal ta anyon. helped out taloswithsomechickprob.

Ican belei it! habsdisow me. doesnwantmeanymore!! says i shodla talkied ta gherr. DAMNITY. I justs. duint getit!. andsir. he obvisdoesn;t wan anyofus around now. Ididja tlk ta them bok I did. dey ignoredddd me. tald me ta wai/see.

Ithans im drank bok. gonetobeds. duntwan death tasai melike this.

R.

[River Illia]

Day 24.

So book guess its confessin time again. Haven't done this in a while but then I got by what pappy used ta say. "It ain't a sin if ya don't feel bad about it. It's just a guilty pleasure.

So the other night I got drunk on this blood whiskey crap, and it knocked me on my ***. Course thats not the sin. Just a reaction. I. Well my sin is anger..I guess and pride. Or feelin like a stupid country girl cause I lied ta myself.

I didn't want an official split from grigori. I mean I guess it seemed that way but how many times can I say I was lookin out for pariah and caelan before anyone will listen. Probably till hell freezes over. Now evidently my...sire and Mircea think its some big secret plot ta split the family up.

********. This family was split long before I decided ta stash my kids away. I ain't takin the blame for it and I shouldn't have ta. Yeah Ive fucked up, gotten hella angry and not shouted louder when I should I guess. But its not like angry solves anythin. Been there done that.

But for a minute I guess I believe I was like one of those princesses in the stories Dr evil number 3 made me read. Yanno the ones where the princesses get prince charmin and a big ole family that loves em? For some reason I guess I built it up ta much. My own fault.

As for my other sins book. Well. I guess ragin and breakin my promise is the other one. I said I wouldn't..I tried..even when they just sat there and tried ta act like this was a huge surprise ta them. like my *** hadn't been here shoutin the whole time there were problems and if they didn't get solved..**** would happen.

I mean hell I bought a new place so I didn't have ta hear the bickerin anymore..but then I go back on my word and play into it. Shoulda ignored it. But bein dismissed...fuckin dismissed. and called a child when Im the one whose tried ta be calm and bit my fuckin tongue ta bleeding. I fell into it. Pappy would have switched my *** good if he'd been here.

Course deathy and pariah were there. Watchin me act like a lunatic. They both let me get it out and then in their own ways helped me..I don't know how I got so lucky but guess not everything has changed for the worse.

And today..today was somethin else. A whole lovers triangle. Some wench tryin ta play my deathy against her guy. Idiot, I felt bad for her guy though. Poor fella was heart broken. I don't blame him though for shootin deathy anymore though. Cause yanno he thought he was doin the right thang. I wanted ta tell him he should kick the wench out and get better for himself. But figured that might be rude comin from me. So kept silent. But I think Im gonna check on em through echo and make sure hes ok. Seems like he needs a few friends.

Anyways book. Its been a hell of a month I guess. Suppose I've done my share of fuckin up but I think thangs might be workin out..

-R.

[River Illia]

Day 26.

Nothin else ta say I guess. Between her takin every single thing I said today deliberately wrong and all the other ****, I've made up my mind.

Think I need ta get my head wrapped on straight because this emotional crap is twistin me like that chick in the movie. Gonna head out to the woods and go campin for a few days after I do this next thing. Be on my own and breath the air a bit. Figure with my shadow powers I can wrap myself up durin the day.

I figure people will miss me, but can't think straight with the phone buzzing 24/7.

-R.

[River Illia]

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