For Clover

[Clover]

tem·pes·tu·ous

/temˈpesCH(o͞o)əs/

a strong, turbulent emotion; conflicting emotion; passionate; frenetic; wild

"tempestuous at best"

---

Here I am. Things have changed -- I have changed -- and even though I never wanted to come back to this place, here I am, alone. It feels a lot like being torn in two, like having my heart carved out of my chest with a rusty dagger. I returned to the city because there’s nothing left for me outside of this place. I wish I could say that I have some miraculous plan to reclaim the fragments of my life and turnover a new leaf, so to speak, but I have no such thing. Even though I know exactly where I am, I still feel completely lost. I’ve stumbled along the way, fallen more times than I can count, and I have nothing left but a ring and memories of better times. I’m holding my breath, hoping I can find something to ground me again, someone to want me in the way that he had once wanted me. Why I chose to die, why I chose to wander, makes no difference now. Here I am, home again, but a part of me still wanders, the part of me that once belonged to him. What can I do with a puzzle when it’s missing pieces? I once asked June that same question, but neither of us had ever found the answer. Old wounds have healed, replaced by new ones. I’m covered in hundreds of scars, even though no one else can see them. The shadow realm calls to me, and maybe I would be better off there, but I wanted the familiarity of my old apartment, of the bed we once shared.

Let this be my only weakness now. If there’s a higher power, let me rise above this. Destroy me. Fix me. Forgive me. Come home, just come home. I sit at my old workbench and seek familiarity in the dusty parts I left behind. Everyone dear to me is long gone. The place is quiet, the air still, and so cold, so very cold. I’ve learned what it takes to survive, but facing these hardships, I wonder why I bother. It’s so easy to walk the line between this place and that place, where one misstep can ruin me. I cling to sheets that still smell like him, and it’s hard to believe that it’s been years since I last slept here. World-shattering problems seem small now, as if they never mattered at all. What do I do when I’m half a woman? I ask the breeze, and it carries me away. I’ve never felt so light, and maybe it’s the shock. I can’t find the anger; I can’t find the tears. I’m numb. Every part of me is numb.

There’s a bond, and I feel it, even now. I swear to myself that I will sever every connection I ever had to him, and here I am, treasuring places and memories. Take me back to sunshowers, because I have nothing left. I longed to see the sunrise in the way that I long to see him. I remember everything with absolute clarity, so it bothers me that I can’t construct the puzzle of our last moments together. Shock again, always shock, and maybe I’ll never learn acceptance. What does it matter if I do or I don’t? I bury myself in work again, because it’s all I know. And suddenly, I think I understand why Vic chose suicide. When you’re one good breeze away from blowing away, it’s so easy to get caught in possibilities, answers to problems you may or may not have. It’s an escape, like work is my escape. Somewhere, I hope he hurts as much as I hurt. And isn’t it so wrong to wish that on someone you still love? Well, I’ve always been bitter; I’ve always been possessive to the point of madness. And without him, I feel all-encompassing rage. I want to burn the city down and bathe in the ashes.

Tempestuous. Yes, that’s fitting.

[Clover]

ghost

/gōst/

revenant; apparition; phantom; specter

"right now, i feel more like a ghost"

---

Going back to what I know is easier than I thought, even if I'm writing this while sitting on the floor of his greenhouse. Every step is a little easier than the last, and forgive me for any step I take backwards. Let me be easy on myself. This city is everything I remember and then some. Soldiers. Cops. Government agents. I crawled my way out of the shadow realm, leaving behind the cold, all-consuming greyscale. I didn't think I would ever come back. This wasn't in my plans. I still don't know why I chose to leave the shadow realm. I didn't know hunger; I didn't know pain or longing or jealousy. Every moment there had me drifting, shadows like a cocoon. That should have been the end of me. But I've never been so thankful for the widening of the rift. I can fill my lungs with fresh air, the taste of spring taking refuge in my chest. I missed winter, where the frozen wasteland known as Harper Rock consumed all of the darkness in my heart. I tell myself this spring is a new beginning, marking the end of one long chapter, marking the end of the most wonderful, terrible, heartbreaking time of my life. There's a world beyond Jesse, and even though it's hard to accept, even though it seems impossible, I swallow the bitter pill and continue. I tell myself I can always give up, that I can always return to the shadow realm, but that's giving up, and I just can't do anymore of that right now.

There's no one to have my back, so I stand alone. There is no one I can rely on now, and I didn't think I would ever feel this lost again. I go to work, disappearing into the underbelly of this city, and emerge as a different person, playing a put-together human being with hopes and dreams just out of reach. I reach out, longing for connections long lost. I'm rewarded with silence. That's all there is anymore. Radio silence. Listen to the static, Clover. Doesn't it sound just like him? I'm as whole as I'll ever be, but sometimes I see things that aren't there, sometimes I hear voices when I'm all alone, and I wonder if I left something behind in the shadow realm. June welcomes me home, and I missed my wraith more than anything. That's a comfort. Together, we hunt and fight, both of us struggling to remain mentally sound. That's all I can ask for, at this point in time. Maybe there will be a time when I don't feel kept together by paperclips and rubber bands. I long for that time.

It will take time for me to adjust to holding weapons again, because nothing about this is a flawless transition. I actually needed a map again, so it feels a lot like starting all over, in that aspect. There are zombies on the streets. I heard gossip about microchipping vampires. It's a lot to take in, and I'm a little glad Jesse decided not to come back. I know it's not safe here, and it never really was, but it seemed safer knowing there were others in our lineage. Now I'm not too sure if everyone is here or not, but I've seen two in passing, not counting June's encounter with Raegan. Of course he can't speak, but he saw, and all I really need is an image. Beyond Circle, I have another place to call home, though it's not fully furnished and all I've ever used it for is an escape. I should have given it up years ago, but it's still an escape, even now. I've decided to continue crafting. Tinkering keeps me busy, keeps my hands busy, and it's work that requires dedication and concentration. I don't think I'll ever sell any of the guns I make -- I'm a hoarder. It's always nice to have backups.

Can you imagine what it would be like if we proved that we can survive, to rise above all of our differences? I'm not there yet, but maybe it's not so out of reach. I want to be a better person, this time for myself, and I can't imagine a better way to begin than building new bridges. I may be a ghost of my former self, but I like to think that I'm better now, that I can be better now. Jesse wasn't the problem -- at least I don't think he was the problem -- but what we had showed us at our best and at our very worst. I remember the horrible thoughts dragging me down, the dangerous levels of possessiveness and jealousy, topped off with numerous insecurities. I don't want to be her again, and I will fight like hell to make sure I never fall back into that mind frame. I lived once for Zach, I lived once for Jesse, and this time, this time I choose to live for myself.