Salvation-(Lasair)

[Esli Barnes]

December 16, 2010 - Ballynure, Northern Ireland

I can’t believe you said yes. I can’t believe you are mine. I may be poor in pocket but I am enriched by this knowledge. I know that it isn’t much. I am sorry. If it was possible to wrap up everything you deserve the universe would be in your hands right now. I have never been good at putting my thoughts into words but for you I will attempt anything, nothing could hold me back. I love you, Lasair. I think I said that a few times already but now you have it in writing.

I am a man who feels complete even if tomorrow never comes. My heaven is within you. I breathe in and feel the ache that I will savor every moment of my existing days and nights. My life started with you and shall end much the same. What I will never forget...

So far from what I considered home. Ireland.The bus breaking down, the walk to an empty station, the rain and standing drenched in the middle of nowhere. I somehow made it to this abandoned shack and when I stepped in I found my world would never be the same again. Tonight you saved a dying man. You will never know it as much as I do.

Your Husband and the luckiest man in the world,
Esli

[Lasair Barnes (DELETED 9516)]

JOURNAL | HOUSE | CHURCH

December 17, 2010

Dearest Elsi. You have given me more than you think. You have given me the universe. I have taken pen to paper and you’re sleeping beside me on this bus while we head out of town. In the baggage compartment is a single bag with all my worldly belongings but if this bus should crash and they all went tumbling down the hill and into the marsh I wouldn’t care. Because I have you.

They will say that we are young and stupid but they don’t know us, Elsi. I think I met you in a past life and I lost you then, but now I’m not letting you go. Not for a single day. Is it blasphemous to say I think we had past lives? I don’t think so. We have so many days and nights ahead of us to talk about these things, and I want them all to come at once. I have never been so excited.

I feel like I shouldn’t be. You and I have a secret, but I want you to know that you have freed me. I have no father but God, and I think that he sent you to me, to save me. If I saved a dying man, then I was not alive until I met you.

Your Wife, who believes she is luckier,
Lasair

[Esli Barnes]

December 16, 2011- Cachagua, Chile

I am guilty with the taste of you still lingering on my lips, in my nose. I watch you sleep and wonder if the year we have shared could possibly have meant as much to you. I pray it has. So much has taken place. Some of it will perhaps remain unspoken, out of reach of written word. God will keep the records and I will answer for it when the time comes. I do not feel guilty for having you beside me. No matter the sins committed or the costs. I will be an imperfect man and a thief before I will ever let go of you.

I witnessed the fire of your beauty surrounded by the Moai in Ahu Tongariki. I could go blind and still see you standing with your skin bare to the moon. Your essence made it pale in comparison. You have made this land yours just like anything you touch with the power of your embrace.The joy you brought to the faces of the lost, the forgotten children in the villages. All of it is a gift. Your selfless spirit is like water in this thirsty land. They need you it would seem as much or perhaps even more than I. There is no question they want to keep you for their own. I cannot fault them in that. Soon we will leave because I know we are not destined to remain. I am not willing to share to that degree. I am selfish.

I thought I loved you as much as I possibly could only seconds ago. Now I hear you sigh and feel your hand reach for me. Teach me, Lasair. Teach me well how wrong I am for the rest of the time I have left to learn. I am yours. Guide me as only you can.

Unconditionally,
Esli

[Lasair Barnes (DELETED 9516)]

December 17, 2011

Sex, my love -- you’ve shown me what it’s supposed to be. You aren’t here with me while I write this but I can still feel you on my skin and between my legs. Each time is like the first time, all over again. Except each time you show me something new and make me feel something I’ve never felt before. I’m sorry -- your entry was so beautiful and here I am… but sex is beautiful. It is natural. It isn’t sex, no. Let me rephrase. Sex can be brutal and meaningless. What we have is love. It fills me up sometimes to the point that I think I am drowning in it, gasping for air. But drowning has never been so sweet. I can’t get enough.

As you say that I bring smiles to the faces of the children we tend to, it is they who bring a smile to my face. They do not need me as much as you think. They need the idea of me, and once we are gone someone else will come to take my place. You have shown me that a whole world exists outside of Ballynure, and sometimes I think my cheeks are bruised from the smiles that I give. I would not smile so much if I were not by your side. I am destined to be wherever you are, and if you say that we must leave soon, then surely we must.

You’ve gone to fetch us some dinner; I’m sitting here in our makeshift bed feeling a cold tickling the back of my throat and you are the best, most caring husband a girl could ask for. You would not let me leave. Please come back soon, my love. If I am sick, you will be sick too -- I fear I won’t be able to keep my hands off you.

Eternally,
Lasair

[Esli Barnes]

December 16, 2012- Soweto, South Africa

Two years yet each day that passes feels like a lifetime shared with you. I am reminded of how blessed we are by God’s love as the sunlight dances through your hair. I ignore the tubes, the smell of the dying while I write this. I know you haven’t forgotten what day it is despite Grace taking a turn for the worst. I am minimally distracted by the arrivals of more children who make blades of grass from back home look thick and promising. My eyes search for hope in the makeshift tents and they find it. You. It always you.

You are holding her so close which she needs since her limbs are too frail to support her anymore. I was wrong to hold back when you mentioned it. You are right. I wish she was ours. Her ability to smile in the face of death proves God does not forsake what he has created. If it were possible to choose I would believe she is the one meant to be from us. They tell us she will not see another day. I know they are right. I can already feel your heart breaking. Your need to fix what cannot be will always be one of the reasons I love you as much as I do. When she is called to return home we will hold her, you and I. You can sing that song that always soothes her. The same one that has me wiping my eyes. Promise me, my love, when my time comes you will sing the very same one to me. Your voice is the very last thing I want to hear when I go. Grace is in the arms of an angel. I believe God put her there.

Eternally one,
Esli

[Lasair Barnes (DELETED 9516)]

December 20, 2012

I almost could not write this. You said that she would not see another day and you were right. I could not tear myself from her side to write for you and I am comforted now only in the knowledge that she is with the angels. She is with her ancestors. She is where she is meant to be, in the arms of God. Whether her God is the same as ours does not matter.

It is my turn to be the selfish one, love, because I do not want to go before you do. I am sorry to want to deprive you of your dying wish, but if you were to go before me, I would surely die soon after, of a broken heart. If I did not fear we would be torn asunder in the afterlife, I would take my own life to be with you. God does not look kindly upon suicide. If it happens, I hope that I have the strength to go on.

Smiles are hard to come by in this place. I cannot understand how the Western world can so forsake these children and their parents. Why can we not all get along? Why can’t those in power work together to bring peace and prosperity to all nations? You find such happiness in me, love, but I am so often so sad. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed because it feels too hard. We are but ants in the grand scheme of the help that is needed. Surely, what big difference can we make?

But you are always there by my side, and I take my strength from your courage and your persistence. There is no place that I would rather be, and there is nothing that I would prefer to be doing. I could not bare to be idle while others suffer.

With love,
Lasair

[Esli Barnes]

December 16, 2013- Dharavi, Mumbai, India

This year found us handed our greatest challenge yet. Not just to aid those in great need but to survive the most difficult conditions. Between the outbreaks, our illnesses and the general lack of basic safety we have had to endure we found God’s love providing what we truly need and in turn left us humble with his blessings. I love you, Lass. I am watching you and am in awe.

Your garden among the sewage and the waste of those around us reminds me that anything is possible when given enough hope and patience. I feel guilty for admitting I look forward to leaving. We have greater need elsewhere. Those that come in and take our place will build up from what we have started. I have faith in the seeds you planted. I see their possibility and it is time to plant others far from here.

I want to take you home. Home is wherever we are, yes. But perhaps in another year and with answered prayers we can finally settle down. I want to put up walls and a roof over your head with my own two hands. I want to be in you so deep where only God can nourish what I leave behind. I want to see our child move beneath your skin. I want to teach you to drive. Yes, even if the moped you steered off the short cliff is a revelation of what may happen next if I do. Wherever you go I will be right there with you.

Thank you for finally forgiving me for the shellfish slip up. Oysters were supposed to be romantic. I wanted to try something sensual and adventurous. How were we to know you were so highly allergic? I promise to protect you from the threats of fresh and saltwater. You were breathtaking even with your eyes swollen shut.

Consumed by you,
Esli

[Lasair Barnes (DELETED 9516)]

December 17, 2013

Dearest Elsi, I sometimes think that you forget the difference in age between us. I am only twenty. One day I want to fill a house with your children, but right now -- despite everything that we have been through, everything that we have witnessed and discovered and suffered -- I still feel like a child. How am I supposed to raise a child? Maybe give it three years, my love, and suggest the idea to me again.

Here in Mumbai the conditions are so deplorable and yet the people are still so filled with hope and faith. This is what I love you for, travelling the world to discover new places and new people. Their religion doesn’t disgust me, it fascinates me. I like to wander into the different temples and mosques. The names are different but the belief is the same, and it’s still sacred, isn’t it? Sometimes I think I am an awful sinner, to so forgive others their denial of the true God. I cannot put it into words, the way it makes me feel, but I do not believe they are wrong. I want only to talk to them about their beliefs, to find differences and similarities. The teachings are always the same -- to love, to help and to teach. Basic goodness is the foundation of every religion, Esli, and I have found that in you. You are too good to me.

I enjoyed the oysters! You know me. I am always up for trying something new, and I had never tasted oysters before. I loved them, before they made me feel sick. Looking back now, I can laugh. And so can you, I hope. I did not die -- and it was an adventure! Just like everything else has been an adventure.

I love you more than life itself, Esli. Never leave me.

Lasair

[Esli Barnes]

[/b]December 16, 2014- East Timor, Indonesia[/b]

Happy anniversary, Lass. You proved to me that it wasn’t as good as it could get four years ago. When I held your hands in mine and spoke from my heart in the church in Ireland I thought that was it. Heaven surely would have a hard time exceeding the love, the joy I found in the sound of your voice agreeing to be mine. I admit when I am wrong and I was.

Now about Oliver. This is the only way I seem to get a word in bringing the topic of him up. We can’t take him with us when we leave. You may hate me for saying it but we can’t. He has no regard for anything or anyone but you. I know you think it is all in my head but the last year has proven my case. I have not felt nearly as relevant to him since I rescued him from the soiled streets beneath his feet and brought him to you. That likely was my one and only shining moment as far as he was concerned.

I would go as far to say that he would be extraordinarily happy if you were to leave me here in his place and continue on with him. I am not being jealous or silly. Selfish perhaps but I know when I am not wanted. Clearly Oliver has no issues pointing it out. I like to sleep in your hair too but it is difficult if he is hiding in there. Don’t forget despite the fact he can’t read English he still picked out my passport from yours and ate it- not once but twice. And what about the time he sold my cell phone? I won’t argue over it again. He knew what he was doing or he wouldn’t have laughed-yes I still assert it was a laugh, when I told you I had to buy it back from the neighbor for double what it is worth. Five bites is all the proof I need from the pint size size menace to prove it. I rest my case. No amount of him trying to hump my leg can change my mind. Here is a picture of him. You can take it with when we leave. Is that good enough?

O L I V E R - 2 0 1 4

*Spoiler alert*

Fine. Fine. Fine. I can’t go on with this. I can see the tears in your eyes already. Shame on me. He can go with. I can never really say no to you, my wife. I stand by the above but I know how much he means to you and to prove it I got the papers and everything lined up. He is free to go with us. I will just pray more than ever. We will need it. Happy anniversary.

Unlimited love and patience,
Esli… and Oliver.

[Lasair Barnes (DELETED 9516)]

December 17, 2014

I’m sorry to bring it up again, my love -- it’s immature of me. But does the sex ever get boring? I had this idea from books I’d read and movies I’d watched that the longer a couple is together, the more stagnant their sex life becomes. I cannot believe that it has been four years. It feels like only yesterday that we met, and now it is four years. Four years! And I still feel like a blushing bride every time you touch me. Every touch before yours is just a long-forgotten nightmare. You have banished all the darkness from my soul, so much so that I can’t even remember what it felt like to be broken.

Oliver knows as well as I what a fine piece of man you are. He likes me so much because he knows you will not have him. But he adores you, see? That is why he humps your leg. Did you never hear the advice that boys only tease you if they like you? Stupid ******* advice if I ever heard it, but maybe it applies to our Oliver.

He is practice! When we have children, my time will be much devoted to them. Oliver has the good sense to stay away when we are going at it like rabbits, but the children will not. I think you should think about that, my love.

Thank you for Oliver. I was afraid that this time, for the first time, you would be able to say no to me. You had almost convinced me of the impracticalities of bringing him with us, how difficult it will be to get him through airport security and across border controls. There are quarantines in place -- but it is the price I am willing to pay. You have made me the happiest woman alive (second only to the day we married) by giving in. Be glad it was Oliver we adopted, instead of the elephant calf we saw on the way into town.

I love you more and more,
Lasair