12/4/16
A lot has changed over the past few years, and as the new year approaches, I don't know how to feel about any of it. Truthfully, I don't like it. I have never quite liked change, but this is becoming ridiculous. Everything is different. Everyone is quiet, or they have adapted into something... worse. I've gone back to more how I was when I first came to Harper Rock. Quiet, keeping to myself. I really only ever speak to Jayden. Mari is gone, I think she's vacationing again.
The line doesn't really speak any more, and neither does Tytonidae. It's... unnerving, we really only do battles over territory these days - I try to aid when I can. But it isn't quite the same. After all, what do you do when your whole world, your entire purpose comes crashing down? I still keep to the shadows, watching and listening. So far, I don't see much difference other than it is harder to feed, harder for those who don't have a human appearance to blend in. I stay away from mirrors, from reflective buildings. It isn't impossible, simply taxing on my patience as I reroute my tracks.
On days I lack it, I call the shadows around me. It's an easier fix. Sometimes I take to the woods and shift, to run as a wolf and escape the ridiculousness of those around me. It helps when I truly need to just get away. It was on one of these runs I actually stumbled upon a new forest with... I don't honestly believe it still, even in this world, wendigo. Spirits, humanoid versions. My *** gets kicked on the regular, but at least I'm not sitting around with idle hands. It helps, as I get in exercise and training. It also helps when it comes to getting ideas flowing.
I hate waiting to see what will happen with this development. The masquerade has fallen, but what should be done about it? The obvious answer is to ensure survival.
Superstite. As one of my cousins would have said, showing off the Italian that she had learned in high school. If not everyone's, at least my own. Keeping my head down will only go so far... Hm. That actually gives me an idea. I'll have to speak to Jayd later while working.
And, alas, I got somewhat off topic. Or well, my intended topic. Change. One thing that came along with this change is, well, loss. Another thing I have never... taken to, well. I keep thinking about the friendships then and now, what was strong that has now faded... the betrayals that have changed and become family.
I don't think I will ever accept Grey as my sibling or as a member of Andras again. I don't trust her, nor do I quite like her. While she may have mended things with Micah, he really wasn't the only one that she insulted and because of her... I actually lost someone who I considered to be a very good friend, a brother in some ways. He didn't die, but the fact we were ordered not to speak to him, or essentially be harmed if we did, he may as well have been dead. I was close to Jesse, I'm not going to lie about it. At one point, I almost slept with him - or at least, considered it.
We talked often. And regardless of the topic, I can't remember a time where he wasn't willing to listen. If he judged me, he kept it to himself. As I think about his line being killed, attacked previously by Tytonidae in the previous months, I can't help but find myself disappointed in how things have become. There hasn't been a time where others in this line or the faction where we have felt betrayed or hurt by another individual in the past couple of years. Or at least, there are few in the faction that have not made me feel that way. I look at those who I call family and I find it almost insulting to how we've become.
I think it should have stayed between leadership and Jesse. After all, I didn't know who all had access to the tomes and who didn't. Aeryn has also had the tome for sometime, and I can’t recall the last time we performed the service for anyone other than Ty members - not that I particularly have ever paid attention to rituals other than what I'm capable of performing myself. I'm perfectly content with fighting and stealing things. And as I feel my opinions would have me shot or in trouble, it's easier to keep them to myself.
I suppose I miss the fact I knew I could always depend on his stubborn ***. I will never forget the day he let himself be mauled by a demi fae just to give me a bit of a boost while I found myself between a wall, relic, and guard. You don’t forget the ones who spill their blood for you, especially when you could have sat down for a few minutes and rest. It was one of the first times I actually found myself able to actually see past his mood swings and distance.
Another person I have thought about is Dahlia. She's changed a lot, and I have a lot of difficulty seeing the sister who brought me to Harper Rock. I could once depend on her to keep me company in difficult times, and now? I can hardly sense her whereabouts. She's neither here nor there. She became obsessed with love, and then too far gone when things hadn’t gone her way. There was a change in her, a shift in her alliance and views that I will never understand. I don't know if it happens to all mystics, but she wasn’t the same person after a while.
I don't understand it, honestly. I haven't understood what happened with us from the moment she and a few others jumped down my throat for simply sharing a different opinion. Over the years, she has apologized, but how can apologies be felt truthfully when the individual hasn't been around to be proven, learned from? She no longer claims Andras. Or well, perhaps she does. The change in opinion has happened at a regular that it's often difficult to keep up.
Curtis… we spoke not too long ago after the masquerade fell. I don't know if he's returning, I don't believe he is and if that suits his needs, I’ll support it. I watch Richter grow, listen to her playful growls and the others have no issue following suit to rough house as we sit out on the step of our cabin. His scent has long since faded from the walls, from the cloth and it's when I’m there do I truly feel alone. Now, I hardly spend time at home. For Jayden, I put on a smile - not that it's difficult as he's the perfect little brother, just the right amount of annoying and caring.
I work selling make up and beauty supplies to women who feel terrible about themselves until I get too uncomfortable, and then I flee as quick as I possibly can to the garage. There, as I work, I’m able to keep my mind busy so I cannot allow my mind to travel, or be frustrated with my thoughts.
I think about Nishaa, who I do not see any more. I think about Shan, who disappeared after I had actually begun to tolerate her.
I think of the childer who I let down as a sire.
Hadrian, who I turned out of spite. A relationship that should have never happened, as it went too terrible quick. He was as much as fault as I, but I was the sire and I should have found a way to get things into his head. I sometimes wonder why Micah bothered to stop me from slitting his throat, or even stopping from ending his life. I'm not better than Hadrian, I never have been. The differences were there, but the similarities were, too. Where Hadrian had always pushed people away, I had, too: I only let them in, first.
Aysel… there were many things that went wrong there. I should have tried harder, been less distant. I should have tried to understand rather than be disappointed. I should have listened.
Szabina should have never happened. I should have stopped her heart, or administered an air bubble into her IV. I miss Azariel, as much as he worked, I do. I miss his company and he joking around, even seeing his stupid lack of correct typing which drove me insane. Phoenix, before she lost her mind, was like a sister.
Superbia, Prudence… I think of the lists that grow and the relationships that have come and gone over the years. It hurts.
Maybe I can salvage some, perhaps I should allow others to die. I need to go deal with some of the wendigo, however, as I’ve been sitting still for too long. Maybe I’ll reach out to some.
At least Dulce and I had our dance.
That was fun.
