I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

Things are very different since I've come back to Harper Rock. But not everything has changed for the worst. Yes, Wynifred is scared of anything but her shadow just about and leaves the apartment less than she did before. I haven't heard or seen much from Sirena. I hope she is still alive and okay. Maybe Blake is looking after her; I never did tell either of them when I would be back for sure. I should drop her an email...I would email her sire, but chances are Blake would never get it and even if he did, he wouldn't reply to it.

Both my businesses are keeping me busy and making me money quickly. I was making it all to go back to Mexico-but I know I have to alter those planes. I don't think Elighan would mind...Or Godric. I don't know, I actually have to email Elighan too to see what he's been up to. I should start making lists of things I need to do during the week or things I must get done by a certain day.

I dislike ending entries on a low note, which is why I started with that caca up there. Those who get bored and disappear and screw off. I guess I'm not shiny enough for some people to keep around, to give more than a couple weeks of entertainment to. I'm not mad at any of them, I can't really be mad at people who do the same thing I used to do to other people.

Like I said, not everything is a startling eye opener. No, that's not right. The last thing surprises me the most out of anything that has changed in the past couple of weeks. I think with me calling Godric to come to Mexico to help me-something changed between the both of us. I don't know if it's because I called on him, or because I let him in a little bit while we were in Mexico. Maybe both.

Remember that puta I talked about before? The one that had Godric wrapped up in her? That puta is me. I figured it out last night when I asked him about her. I was curious why he came when he had her. Wanted her. He said he met her in Mexico-which could have been anyone, because it's him. He's always had that sort of personality that women are drawn to. The bad boy-even I was...am drawn to. What can I say? I've always liked a little spice in the bed and on the streets. Spank me.

He called her a princess-the same thing he called me before I left for Mexico, and then a characteristic of this woman...I knew it was me right away. me siento estupido. I could die. Maybe not die, but disappear into the ground and never come back from embarrassment. I don't know how I didn't see it before. Maybe because I guess I don't feel like anyone would feel that way about me. I've never been that woman. I've always been the other woman. Not the woman they love, the woman they only want for a night or two before they go home to their plain, ordinary and mundane lives.

I wish he would have told me some things sooner than later. I wish I would have told him some things sooner than I did. We weren't those people then. I don't know if we are those people now, but we're finally being honest and not guarded and jaded towards the other. We're not trying to make the other jealous, like we did in Mexico. We're just being...us. The real us. I think I am being the real me. It's hard to tell sometimes. Sometimes I want to be mean and play that stupid game with him. I'm afraid he'll see the real me and run for the hills. Everyone else does when they get to know the woman behind the *****.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I finally got my tattoos! I love how it turned out and can't wait to show them off to my...three or four friends. It's come at a time where it couldn't be more apt. I finally feel like I'm not falling. Not necessarily flying yet, but I'm not falling. Hovering might be a good word to describe it.

I've finally found what I've been looking for. I would ask Elighan, but I doubt he cares. Neither of us really know anyone else and neither of us want to know Remington. I've told him, and he doesn't seem interested in trying to track him down to get him to come talk to me or make amends. I think he's content with not knowing a lot of people because of his social anxiety. I think he would be fine with knowing just me and Cali, but I want him go out more. Maybe he's not even with her anymore. I don't know. He's always been sort of guarded with the things he shares. Not in a bad way-I just think he's particular with what he shares, with who. He only lets a few people in his 'zone' or whatever because people are shady. They are shady. I know it more than anyone lately. I see things. I pay attention more than people think I do.

Anyways, I was going to go with Vasquez, but since it's a fake name and alias, I don't want this to be fake. Not like everything else. Because this is going to be real. Our little family is going to be real, even if it's just him and me and maybe that new guy I sired. I found him last night! I gave him some weapons I made. I'm sure he can get better weapons one day-if not by me, but then by buying one or finding one. Sometimes people can get lucky and find things. That's how I found that stupid coin that I gave to Blake. But the best part...is he emailed me and thanked me. Maybe he will stick around...who knows? I've learned very well not to put all my eggs in one basket lately.

I've got to run, I have a date with Aeryn tonight. Sort of. Not really. I still don't like that puta, but she's the only one I know that can do this and the only one I trust to get the job done...even if it all turns to shambles later.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I'm both mildly and pleasantly surprised with the newest...childe of mine. I don't know if I can call him that-so I am pleased with Radamel. We had a brief conversation yesterday in the voodoo lounge, before I fell asleep while meditating. I really like this new found power-but I don't think I will like many others on this path. I wasn't bored with the chit chat, I was just focusing on healing so I could be as beautiful as ever the next night.

I think I surprised him with how quick I arrived. Oh! No I like that power too. The 'flash' power, I guess I will call it. In one place and another in a couple of seconds. He says he wants to get to know me, or know about me...I forget which one, but I'm hesitant. I just don't like telling my life story to everyone. As it is Elighan, Godric, Niklaus, Velveteen and Blake know the most, if not the majority of it.

And I got it done. I actually feel....good. I feel different. I don't know if I am psyching myself up to that level, or if I really do feel this way. I told Velveteen my reasons in an email, but I have the feeling it wasn't needed. She knows my stance on all things regarding Remington. I've felt that way for a long time now. And now? Now I feel like I can distance and separate myself from the guy since I had Aeryn do that ritual to create my own identity from him.

I like it. It's not anything fancy, but men love the way I roll my 'r's' so why not have a name with two of them? I know the meaning behind it, but I'm not sharing the real reason. That r quip is just what I'm going to tell people when I introduce myself as Adelita Tarrega and they ask why that name.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I think Elighan is going to do his famous running thing again. This is what happened last time. He got strangely quiet and then dumped all his money in my account and left town. I know this time it won't be my fault. Well, maybe it is. Maybe I shouldn't have sired him. He didn't exactly ask for this...but his life could be better than it was. I think it is. He's got Cali and he seems to really like her-even though I would tell him to run for the hills. Not because it's her. Just because the way he had been talking about her and defending her...I think he's going to be in some serious trouble later on.

Godric's also done the disappearing thing again. I should be surprised, but if you saw my face...I'm not. I'm actually used to it, so I've decided screw it. I'm just going to worry about me and Whinny and everyone's their own, independent adult, just like me. They can all worry about themselves. Like grown-ups do. Would a reply to an email kill someone? Am I just not worth a few words that can be typed up in ten seconds or less before hitting a send button and never seeing those words again?

I would tell Cali to run. If I knew who she was, woman to woman, run. Run before he does-because he will. He's going to run without too many words and give her his money and not be seen or heard from again. Oh well, that's all her problem now. Good luck, Cali-whoever you are. I am so glad that is never going to be me again.

I suggested something stupid in the Academy Crownet. No one is going to come because it was a stupid idea and because everyone will be like...who is that girl again? So, I'm just going to pretend I didn't suggest any of it. Not reply to any more comments. It's easy. Everyone else does it. I can too.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

Today was a productive night. I've made a lot of equipment for my new found supplier-another woman. Imagine that. A city full of useful women. Why have I not become a full fledged lesbian yet?

I made her some equipment to break into more buildings so I can make me things she needs and I need. I'm going to make her more tomorrow. I also saw Maddra last night! She loaded me with a bunch of stuff too. I'm pretty lucky between those two.

I emailed Elighan again and told him to screw off. Or screw you. That was more like it. I emailed Ambrose reminding him to remove something-I'm tired of getting the notices to my alert system. Then I emailed Blake. I think it was the right thing. I'm obviously the problem. I can put two and two together and make four, easily. I think I have a few more to send out, but there is always tomorrow.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

Out of three emails sent to people, I got one reply from the person I expected not to get a reply from. Ambrose said I could come get my camera from the apartment we temporarily lived in...I didn't waste any time in handling that. Still no word from Elighan and if I were any good at hacking, then I would have sent a virus to him when he opened an email from me. Same for Blake. Promise a dirty picture of me and it would say...'Sucker,' and the virus wormed its way into the computer. I wonder if I can get someone to do that if I pay them to do that. I bet some college kids want to make some easy money. I'll think about this more. I like this plan.

I found Sirena-at Lumen. I wanted to leave right away, but I haven't seen her in about a week and it's not fair to leave when it's not her fault her sire is being a prick. While I was there I sold some things, banked it and started making some more guns. These ones were just alright. I know I can do better.

Wynifred is starting to go back to uni again. Just a day a week, but she texts me a lot during class. Which is counter productive because I won't see it until the night time. When she's been home for a few hours. While she's vegging on the couch most nights, I'm making smoke bombs and knock out bombs for my new supplier that's amazing to count on. I should buy her presents. Or a present. I will. I will buy her a present. Which means I should go! The mall isn't twenty-four, seven!

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

Still no word from Elighan. I'm not shocked in any aspect. Then, I got an email from the newest one I sired. Added his phone into mine-but I've not used it yet. I probably should do that. He probably thinks I'm a ***** or something close to it. I might try tonight.

I saw Sirena on the streets. I think she misses the sun-or daytime. I don't know which one, but she's been sunburned a couple times lately. Blake said he talked to her-but maybe I should try talking to her. Chard, flakey skin isn't good for anyone. Not with her skin tone. While I was waiting for Blake to arrive to do that blood power thing he does, I saw Malachai. That was a big surprise. I think the last time I saw him...Yes. I was pregnant with that little monster beast of Elighan's. It seems like it's almost been a year since I saw Malachai last. Had he died? Did he leave the city too at some point? People do that here. Just vanish for a long length of time and act as if it means nada. To some people, it means a lot. Not in this case, but I'm not thrilled Elighan has left or disappeared and hasn't contacted me.

And surprisingly, Blake and I had a real conversation. Maybe more like a flirty conversation, but it was unexpected to say in the least. A text one, but that's as real as things are between us now it seems. I get it, I know he's busy and I'm honestly not in the mood to talk to anyone-most of all him. I'm disappointed with Elighan, and basically anyone and everyone I've sired-minus that new guy. But I'm a crap sire it seems anyways, so I know it won't be too long before he's gone too. My mood and thoughts just aren't in the right place to be having any sort of real conversation with anyone. Whatever 'real conversations' are.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I had a...peculiar incident...or encounter tonight. I sold some items to a shop and then proceeded to deposit the money I made from the sales, and when the woman gave me my receipt...I saw the amount printed on the receipt as I started walking out. I knew that wasn't right-I paid a lot of money for that-for my freedom from Remington, so I knew there was no way I had that balance.

I went back to the counter and asked for a balance check again. Maybe she made a mistake. Printed out too many zeros or gave me someone's information from a different account; something wasn't right. She checked and said it was the right amount. I proceeded to ask for a monthly statement and there it was. A deposit of a lot of money. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. Deposited by Velveteen. I have to thank her sooner than later.

Things are...complicated right now. I don't want to talk about it right now, but I know I will have to make some decisions soon. About a lot of things and the direction I want my life to go in. Who I want to be in my life, and who I can and should cut out of it.

Just not right now...Not tonight. There are too many big decisions to make in just a single night.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I've met some people because of Velveteen. Sort of. I think this Frey person is the same woman I met a couple weeks ago. From what I can tell, Cali is her childe-and I can't help but wonder if this Cali is the same Cali Elighan is banging. I should ask her. In fact, I'm going to ask her privately. It's no ones business but theirs, but it isn't like Elighan to continually blow me off. Or maybe he's just tired of my crap. It's sort of becoming a trend or a phase around here lately.

If it is Frey, this might be a little awkward, but I can be cool about it. If she can be, I can be.

Which makes my decision a lot easier. I'm tired of waiting around for people to figure out if they want me in their life or if they don't. And it's only that much easier when people ignore you the majority of the time, or say things that are hurtful. It puts things into perspective and opens your eyes. I now know I'll never be anything to him, other than the woman that strokes his ego and his dick every once in a while. That's okay, I'm not mad about it at all. I know my place and I know that isn't a place I want to be. I'm done with those nights, which means I'm done with him. Not done, done. I can still be his friend, but that's all we are.

Lastly...Godric. I don't know what to do about that man. I believe what he says. How he feels-but I think we'll just end up where we always are. Always were. Everything will be fantastic, and in a few weeks, everything will be a great big mess. I don't know what he wants or what he expects-but...Regardless, I'll be keeping him in my life. We just need to...talk. I can't put my faith, or hope into something again and be back to square one again.

Sirena! I love Sirena. I'm also for sure keeping her in my life. I adore her-even if she is a little prudish. We have to work on that. Maybe Frey and Cali can be someone(s) I can keep in my life. It might be nice? Maybe? Still on the edge about them-they seem to be making people more pissed than happy with their presence in there. Malachai...unsure of. He seems nice and low key. He hasn't tried to make a move on me, so maybe we can be friends. He seems nice enough. Can I just be a friend with a guy though? It's not happened yet-but I'm more than willing to try. And I'm always keeping Wynifred, until she's too old of me, or not useful anymore.

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

I almost reached another resolution...I was so close. But...sometimes there are other things that are more important than money. I only needed the money so that I could live comfortably in Mexico when I made the choice to leave. But now, now, I am not leaving. I'm here to stay.

So, I almost made one million dollars. Not bad in just six months time, si? But, I decided I needed something more. I needed Godric. He needs me. We need each other. I asked him to be with me for forever, however and whatever that means. I'm hoping it means something great and wonderful, and what it could be. Should be.

I have to thank Velveteen for the corpse of the nasty little creature, but I think that is something I will do personally and sooner than later. As in tonight, before people find out through their own means and then people get funny. I know people aren't his biggest fan, but a lot of people aren't mine either. We're perfectly screwed up, but perfectly happy with the flaws and imperfections of the other.

Next month I will achieve my goal of the one million marker. I've become a great business woman here in Harper Rock. It shouldn't be too hard. And now that I have Godric at my side...it will only be that much easier.