Little Light

[Jersey]

January 2nd, 2016

I don’t know how I’m going to tell them. I’m happy, so it shouldn’t really matter, right? If I actually believed that, it’d probably be just butterflies in my stomach. Peter makes me happy, he always has. He drives me crazy sometimes, but I can’t say that I don’t get on his nerves when I purposely re-arrange something and wait to see his reaction. In fact, I still don’t think he’s found some of the books on his shelf are out of place, but I won’t go looking until he’s gone off to work to see if he’s noticed and put them back.

Maybe I should just… blurt it out. No, that probably won’t go well. Ugh. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to keep avoiding the idea of it because I’m supposed to be happy. I want them involved, even if some way. We’ve never been picture perfect, and we’re all a little crazy, but my family is my family. Sometimes, things would probably be less of a pain in my *** if I were a little bit more brave and confident in myself.

[Jersey]

January 2nd/maybe 3rd?

Yes, I know. I invaded your privacy, ***** at me later. You got hurt pretty bad tonight, girlie, but in the end just remember that you care about everyone involved. I’m not happy, but right now, all you need to do is focus on healing. Ignore all the **** and deal with it later.

I’ll leave your phone and journal somewhere.

Maybe give it to Professor Plum.

Lucas.

[Jersey]

The following entry has been typed out and printed before being taped into place inside of Jersey’s journal.

January 6th, 2016

I meant to ask Keara the other evening if this was normal for vampire families. If they were always this violent, so dysfunctional or if I had been unlucky.

I don’t know what to think any more.

Down is up, up is down.

My arm, or what’s left of it, hurts like hell and I really haven’t moved very far in the Asylum aside from going to take a shower. I don’t remember the after, but the before won’t go away. I can still hear Kallista’s comments, burned into the back of my mind. I remember what was said with Nakia. I’m not sorry about what was said, but how it was said. I should have sat down with them and told them, but I blurted it out to Nakia. Maybe I should have considered Kallista’s feelings about Peter, but I don’t feel as if any of mine have ever been thought of. It’s selfish, I know, but it’s how I feel.

I go for walks.

They’re mostly to get away from everyone when I need to think. I walk down to the docks often, looking out over the icy waters and think. Or, try to. My mind races a lot. Ranting at Peter helped, but it didn’t get everything out or straight.

Most of the time, my thoughts are darker.

I think about what could have happened if I stayed in the hospital and pretended to not know anything, even as it came back to me slowly. I would have never met any of them, Clover and I would have probably remained in the same room. Zach’s wife or fiancéé wouldn’t have died. I wouldn’t have died, Kallista and Nakia wouldn’t hate me, Peter wouldn’t have gotten attacked…

Kallista would have never started hating him over words on a computer screen.

The other thoughts are that I should have died on March 25th, 2014.

I know it’s probably just the pain talking, but it’s how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s how I feel over all of this. When I look at him, when I think of her. Neither of them would have as much misery and anger as they have because of me. I hate it. Maybe the old me might have enjoyed the fact people are fighting over her, but honestly, I can’t stand it. There are no sides, we’re not opposing forces, it’s not a game or anything.

We’re family.

We’re all of Keara’s blood.

I guess that’s one reason I refuse to even acknowledge the idea that there’s a choice to be made. The other reason is… I’m miserable without any of them. It’s something I realized in the shadow realm. I called out for them all, not just one or two. I searched for all of them. I care for all of them and in the end, that’s my downfall because I’ll never be able to choose. A decision can be made for me, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to follow any of it.

I think I’ve written enough today. Reading over the words just depresses me and I don’t want to keep feeling this way. I might go for another walk, maybe take one of the dogs with me. Lady or KD, probably, or Jack and Ellie. I’d take Bear, but I don’t have the strength I need to haul him back if he tries to run.

[Jersey]

The following entry has been typed out and printed before being taped into place of Jersey’s journal.

January 11th, 2016

If any of you need anything, please don't hesitate to let me know.

If I needed anything, you'd be the last person I would go to.

Well, I tried. Not that it really did anything in the end. I went to them, too, but after speaking and seeing the board, I thought otherwise. I left. I don’t want to be where I’m unwelcome, even if I still care about them. I sent Nakia a telepathic telling her that even though we were still at odds, I loved her and hoped she came back soon. I told Danton if he needs anything, to let me know. My offer still stands to Kallista and the rest of Sinclair, but I doubt they’ll take it.

I’m going to go check on Enver later, I sent a message to Keara.

Death has been such a strong theme these past two days and I don’t know how much more loss I can stomach. I keep reading Clover’s email. I don’t know what to say to her or even what to think. I know what I should say, but… it won’t come.

I just want them all to come home. I want them all to be safe.

I’m proud of Keara, I’m proud of Nakia, and I’m honored to be their family… or at least, Keara’s. I don’t know how Nakia feels towards me right now, I might as well have been disowned by Kallista.

Thompson or Evans.

Maybe Vedarian.

I don’t know what name to use at the moment, but I don’t think I’ll be using Sinclair.

Meh. I’m going to go play with the cats for a little while, I need to calm down still.

I just hate not knowing what to do.

[Jersey]

January 26th, 2016

Some things have gotten better.

Keara and Nakia are back, and they're safe. I was, and still am, a bit mad at Nakia, but it's passing. We talked, or well, we texted after she returned but I hadn't really thought about what to write about it all. I still don't think I do, truthfully. We both don't want to fight any more, which I think is a fair agreement. Most of what my existence as a vampire feels to be just arguing and I hate it.

I don't want to spend the next hundred years with something that makes me unhappy, I want to be happy. I want things repaired, even if I don't know how to repair anything. Time, I believe, will be the best way to go about all of this.

Garrett still hasn't gotten back to me. I hate it every time that I write it, every time that I check his memories to see if he's died or that he's been feeding - I don't like feeling that I've failed him as a sire. I don't like to fail. I don't know if it's because of Marilee, or if it's just me, but it's a constant irritant that lingers around with me. I'll likely try messaging him again later this evening, maybe. I probably should.

Quentin's neck has healed nicely, she still doesn't like it when I scratch her in one spot - my guess it's where the buckle had been pressing into her skin, but she's a happy cat. She's getting kind of fat, too, which amuses me compared to Mew, who runs around so much she likely can't keep the weight on.

I've been looking at magazines lately, trying to think. There's a few dresses that are pretty, some flowers that I liked. Planning, however, is not my thing - I've learned this. I'm impulsive, and I like it that way. I think I need to get a book on controlling that impulsiveness. Ugh.

[Jersey]

Feb. 26th, 2016

A lot can happen in a month.

A lot has happened in a month and I don't really feel like writing all of it.

There's been ups and there's been downs, I'm happy and with the man I love, but at the same time, things are still missing. Clover and I aren't friends. Or well, I don't know. It feels like it. She's pissed off at me and thinks I should apologize for something that she should understand after everything that's gone on. I'm pissed off at her for thinking that low of me. We started growing apart before all of this, but I don't want to be the one to take the first step, I did it when we stopped speaking after I left the hospital.

Why am I writing today? Oh, right.

I stopped by the apartment today because I can't find a pair of boots - with how organized everything is at the cabin, I figured that they weren't there if I couldn't find them. And, just as I left it, I found myself staring at the gift that Nakia gave me for Christmas and everything just kind of... hit me at once. Before I knew it, I was sitting on the edge of my old bed and crying into my hands. Maybe I should tell her that she should try to get her money back because for the past few months, whereas there was joy, it wasn't years worth.

But, I miss her, too.

I inspire Kallista from time to time. The first time was accidental, done out of habit I suppose, but she hasn't said anything to me after Nakia's death. Nakia and I settled things, we texted each other for a little while after she returned, which had been nice.

Time'll heal things, right? It has to.

They say it heals all wounds.

Hm, I think I'm going to go play with the dogs. I gave the cats catnip today and it's been entertaining so far - to me, at least. They decided that a small ball of yarn should be unraveled, which, reminds me, I should probably clean that up before he gets home.

[Jersey]

July 24th, 2016

Kia is traveling again. I don't feel surprised, she's doing what she enjoys as I do the same and it's nice. Life has returned to normal, or at least, as normal as it could be. I awaken beside my beloved, go to work, go to the shelter to look at the foster system as I still make adjustments, and then I run some errands before returning to my husband.

Scars and wounds are still healing. I have sold my apartment, I no longer need it. The memories were tucked away into a box and have, for the most part, been just that. My brother is gone. I've been meaning to write to Clover lately. After her latest death... she apologized which surprised me. I honestly didn't expect to read it, and when I did, I had to actually check it was coming from her.

Forgiveness, I've found, is one of the hardest things someone can do truthfully. I don't like being bitter, or angry, and so, I'll jump to that faster than anything.

[Jersey]

July 29th, 2016

My birthday is coming up. I never thought much about it until this moment, mostly because I was cleaning out one of my wallets and found my old passport. August 1st, 1987. I would have been twenty-nine years old this year. It's a little strange to think it as I really have only a few years worth of memories.

Some good, some bad.

I have regrets, and I have some things I will never regret.

I'm going to write Clover and Kia later, I think. But, first I think I'm going to take the dogs for a walk and see if I can find any more weapon pieces.

[Jersey]

August 6th, 2016

I took a new step today and had my name legally changed again to reflect my marriage. I'm officially Jersey Abilene Parkman, it says so on my identification card and I can't help but smile at it. I should have done it months ago, but as I was filling out paperwork the other day I realized I never did. I kept writing Parkman anyway, so I figured I might as well.

I'll always be a Sinclair, but at the same time, I won't.

Off to working on a new project.

[Jersey]

December 4th, 2016

Five names. One by birth, one by choice, one by blood and one by marriage. I'm alright with this change.