Fragments, Shadows & Nightmares

[Dominique]

The chill began to set in before her eyes ever closed. It was a culmination of the endless days and nights that stretched from one into the other. She had to thank her own mind for the sedation setting in. The woman had not slept. No surprise that Dominique’s wide warm eyes wore the signs beneath her lids and the sparkle usually there was gone. It was all but chased away by the first signs of the shadows that seeped in slowly through the cracks around the broken window frame that hovered near her head.

So cold. It was bitterly cold and it was no surprise that it would be this way. Her bare arms stirred and the color of her fingers crept along the seam of the pillow case beneath her midnight slumbering head. Was it still there? It always was before. A few inches further across the soft white sheet in investigation and she found it.

The warmth of the steel blade compared to her own chilly fingertips met the fleshy pads with a stinging bite. She wouldn’t even miss it. The dark blood that would closely resemble a polluted abyss more than a sign of sustenance would not leave a mark as it beaded up and found a way to move through the pockets of empty space as she slept. Defiant it was and powerful. It lingered briefly in case she woke for the confirmation she was more like her nightmares than she was her dreams. Each obsidian droplet eventually faded and dissolved all proof the female still had her master blade close at hand when she finally succumbed to sleep.

There she was like an outcast prone silhouette across the white sheets like a summer cloud was summoned to cradle her far from the reaches of mortal mankind. Marring the scene and standing out was her curvaceous shape adorned with all her deceiving ink tainting what could be a vision of serenity and peace. Instead it was none other than Jane Doe. The one who was as always oblivious to all about her. She was the next passenger in line for the nightmare express.

Dominique.

The name was said with the softest whisper. She could feel it across the back of her bare shoulder. It crept along those dark spots that Benny danced painfully into her skin with the finest needle that New York state had to offer. He was gone but she could feel him and the heat of the overworked gun as she begged in her mind for it to continue on through the night. Like a mothers heart beat would placate a restless child the low constant hum of the machines sound soothed her to the very core. That electric fueled lullaby coupled with the warmth of his gloved hand sent the tool traveling farther leaving a map of ink and blood in its wake to say it had been there.

Dominique.

A little louder this time it arrived. So much to pay attention to and so hard to ignore. The burn of the truth began digging its way in slowly as the tart taste of thousand sins landed at the tip of her tongue.

Eat what you serve.

The low hiss of Sr. Thomasina blew across the curl of her ear. The assurance of good was climbing out the window above her and abandoning her all over again. The rosary beads beneath her right hip were unforgiving as she made the effort to move to follow whatever Holy presence was on the run. The harsh and abrasive sweep of her sandpaper tongue across her lips said nothing was right and everything had just gone seriously wrong. The pull at her ankles that finally fastened down and weighed itself over her confirmed this time she was going for the full ride.

D-o-m-i-n-i-q-u-e


“No.” Her lips shivered in the refusal that she would be fighting the very demons she could not pray long enough to avoid seeing all over again. She clawed her fingertips into the fabric and mattress beneath her. The frail chipped paint nails peeled off and dropped in defeat. Black lines appeared in their wake and deep crevices formed beneath. Desperate eyes of warm rich brown peered down to witness the bowels of Hades and found the reception of countless souls whining for her to join. “Please. God no.”

Where is your God now?

The chilling dark voice laced her inner ears and began its parasitic slide towards her brain like it had all the time in the world to do so. She writhed beneath the force that held her as her eyes were fixed with horror. The shimmering flash of silver tumbled from the back of her head then danced downward in front of her face. It froze in its third turn and there on the flawless blade of the knife was the face she had all but made sure to forget. With that discovery through the mind numbing fear that set in across every layer of her body she was suddenly released and sucked backwards across the room in a bone crushing lodging into the wall that had never been there before.

Warm red fluid seeped behind her throbbing back that was on a gradual slide down the surface of the wall. It was the vile release of the sadistic pores that no building should ever contain. It was the devils own and how she ended up there she had no idea. Her fingers tried to dig in and cling to stop the descent into the floor of flames beneath. A blur of black and white spun in a stale rotten cloud of decay and that is when she found her body spin to place her head down.

The sweet sounds of a childs prayer began beyond her eyes reach. She dug with her heels in protest as the scent of her own hair burning began to drift upward into her nostrils. The tiny voice picked up pace and recited the prayer faster. She closed her eyes and shook her head. It was a bad dream. It had to be.

“You have no place here.” A searing back hand greeted her face as the message was released. All that she thought she was to fear shook her to her senses to see the knotted and deformed shadows rise up from the flames that rolled into a black boil.

Throbbing lips contained the dark fluid of rejection that instantly pooled in her mouth. The force of the jarring impact tossed her head to the side and the contents behind her lips splattered littering the air with countless beads creating a maddening field of dots. Each one swelled then contracted until a sound of a broken soul cracked the deafening roar of the damned in a high pitched squeal when it disappeared.

Forgive me.

Her pleading words were swallowed by the sounds of horses stampeding as the wall behind her began shaking. White curling pieces of paper fell like confetti and the words of the God she had served fell to the black rising pool beneath her.

No.

The slice of the sadistic and sharp blade glided in a blazing dissection across her throat. Again her body spun like she was strapped to a wheel of condemnation. Stopping upright the black beads whirled into formation like a hurricane then disappeared. A frosty exhale fastened to the sensitive curl of her charred ear.

You can never run from what you are. It will only bring you back to what you have become.

Profound and vile. Her mind tried to reject what was sliding through it. So much pain it had brought and she could not stop it. Not when it came to her this way. She saw the reflections of the damage. Broken it all was before her and that would be all that was left. The burn of the blade went deeper. She could feel the scrape of its lethal edge against the surface of her spine. The sinewy chords that served no purpose any longer were like those of a disposed instrument in the trash can waiting for pick up that would likely arrive far later when nothing else of purpose came in the way. This was not the end. It was the beginning of all she could never have fathomed until it slammed into her like a ton of cold winter concrete.

Thy will be done.

The burn of unexpected light wrapped around her covering every inch of skin. Flesh was on fire and she knew instantly it was her own. A cry that was brought up from the last layer of what wore the priceless art on her toes rushed upward and out over the dry cracked lips of the woman’s mouth.

Eternally youthful arms moved and her legs burst into motion. A twisting then tumble of her flailing and fighting frame landed with a loud thud on the wood floor next to the bed in her apartment where she had fallen to sleep. A fast sweep of her shaking hands wiped at her face. It was still there. She patted her bare arms down and moved on hands and knees quickly to retrieve the master blade that had been in her hold the entire time until tumbling from her bed.

“Go to hell.” She hissed as she stood in the room alone. Her inked hands tugged at the sheets that still tried to wrap around her ankles. A disgusted kick had her free to step away from the mess she made. She knew she was already there as her cool body plopped back down to the mattress and looked at the clock.

[Dominique]

And so the darkness finally has come. The breaking has begun and if there was anything that was left to hold on to and that was to be untouchable became soiled and stained with the shadows of the truth that burns deeper than any wound I have ever had. A heart that defied all that came at it finally has begun to break. In that awareness I feel alive again and for once am grateful I am not. It will take an eternity for this pain to subside.

[Dominique]

I do believe that old Friedrich knew what the hell he was talking about. It isn't rocket science. I got the t-shirt to say 'been there and done that'. It isn't only in the movies. When it all gets real you can't turn on the lights or cover your face to escape. Everything is right there when you finally peek through your cold dead fingers. Mine are anyways. Sleeping is starting to be difficult again. I woke up to of all things the Cats musical blaring on the television I left on. Like an idiot I watched it and nearly lost it when the Memory song came on. That started the spiral of one thing leads to another reflection.

She used to sing it when he couldn't sleep because of the pain. It was the worst way to die. Slowly starving for air. Her voice sounded as if her heart was breaking and because of that I never truly appreciated the lyrics. It was about her and him. One confined to the bed wrapped in a cocoon of tubes and machines while she sang to the audience of two in the darkest hours of a night of suffering that seemed like it would never end. Now I know why he never got tired of hearing her sing it in the way she only could. She sang for him from her longing, hopeful and yet slowly breaking heart.

All sappy **** aside, I swear to never fall asleep with the damn thing on again. Cutting the cord between the wall and the television made it a done deal. Anyone has issue with it...they can replace it. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I am being tugged under the current of something and barely treading above the surface. If the voices come back and I know that something wicked is coming back this way all over again.

[Dominique]

Even in this state of existence one needs their sleep. Crazy **** happens when you don't get any zzzz's...and I haven't. Making things that go BOOM, bad t.v. and a general chip on my shoulder that has yet to get knocked off left me with a few ideas. Slipped on that Donatello turtle mask and channeling the green ninja as his voice echoed in the background. Who doesn't think they are a ninja bad *** in this place one time or another? Rufus is having his moment. I just got back from stapling this ominous warning in curious spots to the dead and walking in Harper Rock. Rufus is rolling and taking care of business. Turtle power! That is my boy!

[Dominique]

I woke to it in the darkness. This dream. I am keeping it. It was real and it happened. Sun kissed and sweet. Just like Tavi's skin. The moment should last forever. She never knew the power she had over what she came in contact with. The sensation was hypnotic. I can still sum it up in my mind and feel it fill me with a sense of respite from the cold that surrounds me now.

The haunting brush of her warm skin skating across the surface of mine. The scent of moonflower oil that glazed my wrist as I moved to interrupt her reach. A canvas of skin with permanent ink coated with sunblock meets the other. The interaction was a continuance of so many other connections of our shared past. The heat of a platonic love seeping through the layer of her cotton tank and my bikini top as she reached over me and tried to grab the pack of cigarettes that I had playfully pulled out of her reach.

"Quit ******* around." Flesh bow shaped lips shimmered beneath the raspberry scented gloss that smiled more than the sound of her voice did. "How about I swipe your energy drinks from the cooler?"

I laughed and rolled over the pack of cigarettes holding them like a coveted egg from a nest. It was cruel but so was the absence of the woman's laugh when she let a few hours pass without my hearing it. I don't think she ever knew how beautiful it was, how soothing. It was selfish but I had to hear it.

"You can't have them!" I can't help but laugh. Rough jagged cement pokes at my bare skin as I wiggle to get away but find I am captured by the weight over her body quickly blanketing mine. "Nooo!"

I keep my hands from closing and pancaking the pack of menthols between my semi-open hands that cradle them delicately. They are now in jeapordy but I won't give it up. Not the cigarettes...the fight to hear her one more time. Just one more laugh. Only the way she could. Loud, powerful, infectious. Like it would never be heard again.

"Jane! Stop it!" The protest was followed by a swat on the back of my thigh as she lifted up. "Now!"

I was not giving up. I had to hear it. It was like a fix and she was the source of my drug.

"Keep it up girls and I am getting the camera." Of course Benny would arrive. He never missed the perfect moments. "All good for advertising of course!"

The sound arrived. The most beautiful laugh. I flipped over and I propped up on my elbows tossing the pack to her so it landed in her lap. My eyes were on her and Benny who plopped down next to her and reached for the pack before she could. A shake of the crinkling pack had two filter tipped cigarettes slide out. The hot sun was more noticeable as I watched them light up in unison.

"I love you guys." I say it because the moment wouldn't last forever. The burn in my stomach reared as the thought came to me. Why would I think such a thing when we all were so young? "The **** will kill you."

"Naw..." Benny disagreed as ribbons of grey smoke curled up over their heads. "We both agree you are going first."
"Yep." She agreed. "You first."

I rolled my eyes and popped up to stand on the deck of the pool. They were probably right. Another tiny twist forms in my gut like always when I hear the truth. The heat on my bare shoulders gave me a final warning. Good ink was to be cherished just like amazing friends. Take great care of both or watch each fade away. The freedom of being off the ground arrived with the push of my feet at the edge of the pool. I spread my arms wide then forward as I see the water ready to receive me. A shock of cold begins at my fingertips and glides upward as I cut through the surface. I am not left wanting. I can hear it again. That laugh reaches everywhere I go.

[Dominique]

Click

Who is Benny? Click and scroll down

A stroke of the fingers that were never really there glided slowly through the black misplaced strands of hair beneath them. It was time. Enough crying, bargaining and pause for a life that was lost long ago. Her pain was the key and just like one of their favorite songs went ...'it could use a little turning'. As devastating as all of the events of the last couple weeks and perhaps even the whole damned year were it was not about the man she currently mourned the loss of half as much as it was about her. Imagine that. She had missed the simple fact she was stronger than she ever knew. Benny, however, knew Janie better than she knew herself. He knew this and now she would as well. She just needed one thing. The support to accept that the time had finally come.

Benny's hand moved slowly across the contrast of pale white skin and the pool of silken hair that spilled across the pillow beneath it. Yes, he had been through it all. Even now he ached for what was beneath his hand. Each step she was taking was part of the journey and she was correct back at the service when she realized Tavi, her grandparents and he were watching her all along. He had been with her all along.

Dominique, Mini, Dom, as she was referred to at the funeral was never alone. She found more comfort in thinking she was. Not out of self-pity. It was a self-imposed sentence. She didn't want an audience and she certainly didn't want anyone too close when things hurt or were too much to cope with. Some would cling to others, reach out and hold onto whoever answered the call for help like a life preserver. Jane was always one to do the opposite. If she was hurting you didn't know and you wouldn't hear from her for days or weeks. She went through the grieving process alone because in the end it hurt less.

There Benny was like an uninvited guest at witnessing something so intimate as one losing their mind party. He arrived dressed in memories and 'I told you so'. He was more than happy to take a seat in the front row. Would Jane Dominique Doe expect him anywhere else? From there Benny watched it all unfold. Every last detail. Just as he had watched the rest of her life for better and worse before she had arrived to Harper Rock. He was hardly cruel. He loved her like a big brother should even though the Pope was likely to be linked to her in blood before he ever would be. She was a great kid. She was just a little messed up on how to view the world and her place in it. Then again who wasn't?

The moment had come. It was time to get up and to pull herself together and do what she was meant to all along. Move, push forward and get back into the game of life so to speak. If she was going to amount to anything at all then that was exactly what she was going to have to do. If she was one to give up, cash out and call it quits because she had been dealt a shitty hand she would have done it a year ago, four years ago, seven before that or perhaps even the day she was born and left behind. Jane was no quitter. She was a fighter and no one knew that better than Benny did.

That is why he went all asshole on her and said what he did when she covered her hands with the gloves at the funeral. There was a lesson beneath the material and she wore it across her skin. So much to be learned from everything to that point and now class was in session.

“Janie…” The sensation of fingers firmly curling the black hair around them began. She was too comfortable this way. It was time to get up. The fingers closed and the tugged hard as if she could be lifted from her sleep this way and left to dangle in the air. “Wake the **** up!”

Dominique woke with a sense of shock and incredible pain spreading across her scalp.

“It’s about goddamned time.” She heard Bennie’s voice just like it was yesterday and she was walking into the tattoo shop fifteen minutes late for her shift. “Time to get your *** to work. Leave whatever sad **** you stepped in at the door and do something worth my time and money.”

Dominique rubbed her eyes to shake the feeling of sandpaper for eyelids over the nearly dry as dust orbs beneath. Benny was right. She just was not sure why the hell her head felt like a wildfire erupted across it.

“Jesus! She growled patting at the part of her head that burned the most. “What the hell?!”

“Sorry, sweetheart, I don’t think he is taking your calls anymore.” Benny’s voice chuckled as that familiar chill wrapped around her bare skin.

[Dominique]

24 Hours ago

Vita Bella

So it started out looking like that. Party at the Metronome. Halloween brings out all the monsters and for once some of us feel like we don't have to be too worried about standing out. I really care less or I wouldn't walk around looking like a 'cartoon' as grandma used to call me. Anyways. That picture was the beginning. Stay with me because this gets better. I tried on a few costumes. Finally settled on my all time favorite and inner superhero Batgirl. I am what I am. This year I put a bit of a twist on it. Raised the bar and went from spandex to latex. Getting into it was a *****. After an hour of wrapping into it like a way too tight cocoon I finally was set. Off to the party we went. It was great. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.

I lie. I can remember. I will never forget. Good times. Time to let it go. No frozen.

Anyways...so there I was this afternoon waking up in a rather humbling state of dress. My head was pounding and there was nothing laying down did to relive it. I got up and regretted it. I swear I am cursed. Being able to eat, drink and blend was supposed to be a good thing. Now I think...not so much. I moved and squeaked and only made it worse. I turned on the music to drown out the noise in my head and went to work trying to peel the latex suit off my body. After twenty minutes of barely getting my arms out I decided I earned a break and an ice pack for my head. I opened a bottle of import because it was there. In my stroll back to the white leather sofa one of those numerous half packs of Russian cigarettes that still are where they were hidden caught my eye. Who hides smokes behind the fish tank and secures them there with scotch tape? Like I wouldn't find them? Anyways, I lit one up and savored the scent. That is when the good part you are waiting for happened to come along.

The sound of clicking. Not mechanical clicking in origin. More like heels that are disoriented in their path. I didn't move. I was stuck in the lower half of the latex suit fixed to the leather beneath my *** while wearing a halo of ice on the top of my head. I was feeling much better. I was pretty sure I was still hung over when a pygmy goat went hopping on by. I took another drag of the smoke in my fingers. I was a little slow to pull it from my lips because that is when I spotted the totally unexpected in of all places in Vita Bella. A tiny bunny hopping along. A bunny. I looked at my bottle in hand and then my cigarette. I was pretty sure I was seeing things. Kenlie saved my *** from thinking I was having a total melt down. She came skidding by chasing after the animal parade. Seems she has been given some pets to add to the Vita Bella menagerie.

Oh. I did finally get peeled free from that casing of latex. Kenlie is a champ. Give the girl a few minutes and a pair of scissors and all was good. She thinks I saved her *** when her heart all but stopped. Truth is....she saved mine. And today she did yet again. I would do anything for that woman. Just as soon as I get over this hang over from hell.

[Dominique]

:=: NEW YEARS EVE 2014 :=: MUSIC AS THE YEAR ENDED

It is me. Not the most earth shattering picture but I think it is the most honest. This has been the year that has topped them all. Been to hell and back and back to hell again. It is what it is. I promised when I started this entry that it will be a good thing. The candles are burning, the air smells like good times and it is calm and peaceful. I won't touch a few subjects because some wounds are going to take a while to heal. The last song my ears took in is for you wherever you may be. Thank you for giving it meaning. Yes...you. Peace.

I won't make this long. My night is soon coming to an end. I just want to put down somewhere this year was one full of more than I thought a lifetime could contain...but it happened. I am grateful for it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. I would not change one thing because if I did the beautiful links would be broken. So precious it is.

Resolutions. They are only goals worth mentioning if you are committed and intend on following through. I will only record one for now. I will make it happen. I said it so there you go. Hint? I am inserting the picture that was taken in the spring of last year. Beautiful water, beautiful wilderness, beautiful sun. Those are the clues. I shall take a picture of me doing the exact same thing before this time next year and won't be a blister in the sun because of it. That is right. I am going to open my door and walk outside a feel the warmth I haven't for a year. Nothing like the smell of sunshine. It can never be replaced. Ever.

[Dominique]

Ten months.

I finally pulled down the security cameras. I had to. Either some asshole is having a sick sense of humor or the dreams are coming back. **** if I know. I figure it is my latest habit that was replacing the Monster addiction. So, I gave up Thai food I have been downing nightly. I love that place but I need my sleep. I have been waking up in a panic and not able to say anything because I will be back to being crazy. It is not worth the buffet special they serve. However, I will still stop in because going without those random but epic chats with Somchai at the counter can't be done. The man cracks me up everytime. I figure I will give the Thai I usually order to Andy. I can swing by and drop it off to him or Mona. They can fight over it. It really is that good. I just need my sleep.

I sang this song the other night. Sort of becoming a routine. Not sure what to think except it is great. Not my singing. The reaction. Why? Because I SUCK at singing and I was told it was beautiful. I won't question it. Just like everything else around me I just let it be.

[Dominique]

Out of the blue. Out of the ******* dark blue it arrives. Jack Savoretti's 'Nobody 'Cept You' was playing and there it was...a sign. Like I needed another one to add to the plethora piled up. Leave it up to the brother-in-law to give me a reminder to hold on, keep the faith. Victor's text was a like a life-preserver of sorts landing when I needed it most.

I feel Kenlie at work in that. What in the hell she is up to I have no idea. I have sent enough texts that either she would answer or perhaps she said **** it all and changed her number. I sent one saying the world was on fire. No answer. Even tried the one that always used to work. -Used your toothbrush because I couldn't find mine- She always hated that. I feel her. Victor does too. Talk about a guy aching. Woman has a way about her that leaves many wanting her to get her *** back home.

I just want to really feel her, know she is within reach and keep her safe. The world out there is more fucked up than this place is. But she is Kenlie. No one can tell her what to do once her mind is made up. Vic offered me his truck to use until I find another perfect fit on two wheels or four. I declined because at this point I am still tempted to drive whatever it is over Trahir's leathery ***...several times.

I found Ryland jumping on the batcave bed. I bounced him right on back then visited with Fluffy in the cave pool. Batman is going to get his cape adjusted soon. I can feel it. I miss our ice cream and the crazy random chats. I wonder what he has been up to. Work most likely. I think both of us have a problem with knowing when to call it a night or day. Like two ships that pass in the night.

No new deliveries recently. I think the supplier is on vacation. At least he knows how to take one if that is the case. I should have asked him to send me a postcard. Nice guy. We were supposed to catch a movie sometime or do whatever. I won't hold him to it. Maybe that was it. Wouldn't be surprised. My luck is piss poor as of late.

That brings me to the neighbor from hell. Literally. This guy has some serious boundary issues that not even a stab in the heart can set straight. It escalates to epic levels of violence then the next moment he is cracking open a bottle extending it like an olive branch. He is more fickle than most of the females around here. I don't get it but he assures me at some point I will. Supposedly it has to do with hunting, teaching me something. I just think the guy may a bit cracked in the head. But there is something about him that really gets to me. Got so mad the other night I grew a set. Not the set I already have. Sharp points this time. He doesn't watch it I may break them off and shove them where he will always remember I am nice as can be until I get mean.

Ben is gone for good and Nicolette, cracked CrocMan's cousin, is in. Sales are up as well as business. I am pretty sure the fact she seems to keep them coming back has nothing at all to do with the fact she could make three times as much doing ink modeling than she does in Twisted Sister. He must really have done a number on her brain. She is like jelly when it comes to him. Cool by me. As long as my ink keeps selling and the chairs upstairs are routinely rotating and full is all that matters to me.

And if you are reading somewhere...Laters Baby.xoxox