Ypu've been gone for almost a week now. It's taken me a week to write in your journal. You asked me to find it, open it - and write in it so you know I do not forget about you. I havn't forgotten about you. I think about you everyday. I miss your smile - and the way you touch my skin when do your sign thing that you do.
I had an email from my ex last week. She told me she loved me and missed me, and you know what? The whole time I was thinking about you. I didn't even bat an eyelid at Paige's email - well that's a lie. I wanted to shoot her, but I don't miss her. I don't love her. How could I? I have you. I.. I... I... l-- urgh. You get it. You know how hard it is for me to admit things like that.
I guess. I just want you to know that I miss you alot. Even though your in Africa right now. I miss you everyday, you cross my mind everyday. I wish you were here.
I feel different after I returned from Africa. Disconnected? I think embarrassed is what it is. Anyone else Any vampire could have done it. They could have killed him. I couldn't. I saw his face and I wanted to run away. I wanted to look away. So I did. I looked away and then I ran away.
I think Nishaa would be disappointed. I am disappointed in myself. She would have killed him. She would have bathed in his blood and laughed about it. I wish I were stronger. I wish I could be more like her. I want to be something she is proud of.
There was a family get together this week. I did not go. I think they would ask me about Africa. And they would laugh at me. They are all so very strong and good fighters.
I still think she could do better than me. But I think I would die if there was someone better than me for Nish. I try not to worry, but I still very much think of this.
I should tell her what I think of her before it is too late.
And the scars that mark my body, they're silver and gold Nishaa's Eternal Chocolate Delight
Nishaa surprised me with a gift. She gave me a ring. It has a red stone in it. When I look at it, I think of her. It is my favorite possession. Along with the emerald she gave me.
I missed this place when I was gone. I missed Nishaa so much that it hurt. So when I failed, I felt my trip for my own personal reasons was in vain. But I think being gone was good. It made me realize how much Nishaa means to me. How much I want to be around her. How much I want to be with her.
So I tell her. I get her a bag of blood. But it wasn't just any bag and any blood. I had the bag special ordered and made for her. It was in the shape of a heart. And the blood was not just any blood that is cheap. It was the best and rarest blood I could find in the hospital. Part of me feels bad for taking it because someone will need it because their life will depend on that bag of blood, but my life depended on having it too. I needed to have it because my life needs Nishaa in it.
And the scars that mark my body, they're silver and gold Nishaa's Eternal Chocolate Delight
It's been a while since I've written in you. It was intentional.
At some point I died. I didn't enjoy it, I hated that place. It was dark and scary. Not all the time, sometimes it was quiet and there was nothing, but other times it was so loud and people were looking for things. A door. Their family. The person who killed them. Some didn't interact with me, while others-they were dicks. Big, fat dicks.
Speaking of dicks. Guess who came back with one? That's right. And not only that, but I'm the whitest *********** out there. Boy needs a makeover and I'm gonna give him one once I know what Nish likes. You're probably wondering how or why I died, but long story short, I died for Nishaa. And I'd die again for her. A billion times over if I had to. I love Nishaa.
Which brings me to the final thought in this entry. G-Unit is the best. On July 30th, he bound Nishaa and I together. I worked so hard to try and get all the ingredients, but couldn't find the stupid corpse. I killed things. Tried to kill things. I'm not very good at any of that, but Nish is worth it. I got a few scraps and bruises, but I don't care. I just wanted her to be mine forever. And now she is. Because of him. I owe him big time.
So, now we're married and we have a lot of things to do and look forward to. I can't wait.
And the scars that mark my body, they're silver and gold Nishaa's Eternal Chocolate Delight
Nishaa sired a white boy. And by that I mean, he is straight up, super white. I'm not jealous, I mean, I know I got the good stuff. But he is prettier than my white boy body I'm currently hosting. And he's got really nice teeth. I bet he never drank soda, smoked or did anything. He's a total square.
Nishaa said she just bit him and he was sired, and I believe her, but why did she want to bite that white boy? Am I not white enough? And when did she like guys? I remember that other girl she sired-well, not her name, but that girl was insanely jealous and white.
I'm not jealous. I'm just feeling a little insecure. Even or a square he's kind of cute. And Theodore-well, he ain't. I mean, I can only do so much to this and then...it's just out of my control. I would die if Nishaa liked that pretty white boy. I wonder if Theodore's penis is bigger than his. Not that Nishaa should find out. Is that crazy to think about? My penis is definitely bigger. I can just sense it.
And the scars that mark my body, they're silver and gold Nishaa's Eternal Chocolate Delight
I've never wanted to hurt someone before, but I want to hurt her! Why is she bothering MY wife? My beautiful, darling wife?
She is mine. Nishaa and I have been bound for a long time now. It's rude and disrespectful to me to not care that we are married and bound to eachother. We choose eachother. We love and respect eachother. Our love is eternal. Our compassion for the other is eternal. Our support is eternal. We are eternal. Eternal. Forever.
I was so mad I punched the dresser. Now my undies drawer won't open. Guess I'm going to freeball it. Whoops.
Stupid *****, stay away or I'll punch you next!
And the scars that mark my body, they're silver and gold Nishaa's Eternal Chocolate Delight
Why does Nishaa keep siring people with penises? Does she secretly like penises? Is penises a word? It's like I woke a penis eating monster in Nishaa when I took over Theodore's body. She's not really eating their penises. You know what I mean.
My mom keeps harassing me. Christmas is coming up and she hasn't seen me in months. We've talked through text and email, but she's not happy. I think I have to tell her something bad. And then get in a fight with her or something. I don't know. Something to push her away from me and leave me alone. After I get my things from my apartment. I have a plan. No one has to die. That's the biggest thing to me. I don't want her to have to die because of me. I don't think I could forgive myself if she died because I was stupid and didn't tell her to leave me alone.
I can be mean. I can. I'll just think about that stupid Paige ***** and what I want to do to her when I talk to my mom. Everything with be fine. F.I.N.E.
And the scars that mark my body, they're silver and gold Nishaa's Eternal Chocolate Delight
I think I like someone less than I like Paige. His name is Trahir whatever. I'm just going to call him powderpuff. He referred to me as Nishaa's wife, but then said I was her husband. So that didn't sit well with me right off the bat and then he goes on to tell me something I already know. Yes, it is difficult having a penis, or it was, but everyone excluding him has been really nice with helping me-be me.
Rion stood up for me, but then he just can't let it go, can he? Nope. He says my attitude is still female and that no harm has been done. No harm has been done? I would love to see that little ***** walk around as a woman for one day. I want to slap the **** out of him, but I couldn't. I had to play nice hostess, but he is on my list alright. Then he says gender is useless to vampires, which is his opinion, but it's not useless. Not when you used to be a woman and are a man now. Or vice versa. He has no clue what he's talking about in that pea brain of his and how rude and insulting he was. He should be glad I didn't have my nails done before the party tonight. I would scratch those empty, closed eyes of his right out and make him eat them. Prick.
But, on a happy note! Mayhem got me a gift for working for him. I didn't really need a gift, I love working there. He's a really good boss and he pays really well. I really enjoy it and no one cares if I'm a guy or a girl. Unlike working at the studio. It makes me sad thinking I can't go back there, which is why I won't write about it anymore. I can't wait to show Nish the beautiful black swan I was gifted today. I'm going to put it on our dresser and show it off proudly. I love it!
And the scars that mark my body, they're silver and gold Nishaa's Eternal Chocolate Delight
Nishaa got a kitty. Only, it's not actually a kitty. Her name is Freyja and all I know so far was that she was killing a paladin or something and Nishaa found her and saved her. And she's an Allurist. But that's her pet name for her and we all know what everyone thinks about kittens. They're cute, soft and adorable. I'm not adorable, not soft (anymore) and this white dude is far from cute too. No one doesn't like a kitten, but a lot of people don't like this ugly mug, not that I blame them.
I'm not jealous. I'm not. I'm just...I don't know. Why does she need another, when she has the three of the best childre there are? I'm ******* fabulous, MJ is kind of a goofball, but cool and Pierre.I actually don't know but he's never too far away. He's reliable. And other words that go with that word. Aren't we enough? Aren't I enough? Why do we need a kitten?
Maybe I am jealous. Isaako's been gone-the not coming back kind of gone for about two weeks now. I never thought he would be gone for forever. But he is. He slipped right out of my life without me even noticing. Sort of how we met, only he was trying to slip his way inside of my life.
And the scars that mark my body, they're silver and gold Nishaa's Eternal Chocolate Delight
I've been a terrible employee to Mayhem. It's not his fault, it's mine. I don't feel inspired to do much of anything anymore.
I got fired from the studio. I stopped going because of the whole being a guy thing. I broke my contract they said, so I had to pay five hundred dollars, but that's not even the fraction of the money people lost and won't get back due to my 'negligence' they said. It was on my voice mail. I just sent the money in the form of a check and mailed it out. They've not called me asking for it, so I know they got it. Especially since I know it was cashed due to my online banking.
From there things just got worse. Everything is so quiet. We don't do anything anymore. I miss getting together and celebrating stupid things. I miss doing things with people. I sort of secluded myself from everyone, which got me in trouble by some woman who felt the need to kick me in my head every time she passed me. I mean, I know Theodore isn't exactly eye candy, but she wasn't a pretty little **** either.
I don't know what I expected, but I expected more than what happened. Is it my fault, or is it theirs, that what I expected didn't happen? I didn't do anything to anyone, but it was either too much of a bother for some people, or I wasn't worth the time and effort. So, I decided to stay inside and hide, because I didn't want to get a size 8 to ten shoe on the side of my face for a third time. And soon, I just started feeling...detached.
I don't care that I don't have any classes to teach anymore. I don't care that I got fired from the place that taught me everything I know and then hired me after I grew up. I don't care that I've not been to work in over four months. I don't care if I would have been killed and I don't care what happens from here on out with anything or anyone.
The only thing I care about?
Reruns of Empire from my bed.
And the scars that mark my body, they're silver and gold Nishaa's Eternal Chocolate Delight
