Avi's Diary: .:. A Dream is a wish your heart makes .:.

[Aviana]

- .:. The Diary of Aviana .:. –

- .:. Never an End .:. -
An end is a beginning,
in all failures shine some light.
Always in the darkest times,
true hope shall shine bright.
So steady to hold onto,
like a rope to pull you through;
a guiding hand to hold you
who knows just were to lead.
An instinct to venture on,
to grow from struggles stronger.
A beginning never gone,
as the end will always move on.
- Avi

[Aviana]

5/28/15

So much has happened this week, I know not where to even begin to put such events into words. I’m scared, knowing that my life is forever changed now. This was not something that I had asked for but what’s done is done. The whole reason for coming to this city was to get away, to find a new life and redefine who I was. It would seem I have achieved this goal, though not by any intended expected path. Is it wrong for me to miss him? I know I have every reason not to, he was the reason I left, what I ran away from. So foolish, the lingering love of a broken heart, to have my thoughts still drift to think of him. I still haven’t changed my number, he calls and texts but I never answer. I need to change it, I know that it’s time to forget about him. This is the last step, why does it feel so hard?

On another note, I’m not sure what to make of Nathaniel, the vampire who sired me. At first he terrified me and in way he still does. I’ll have to get past this, I need him and he’s the only one I know that can explain further about what I have become. Our last meeting didn’t exactly go over very well. That was a rough day for several reasons, at least the voices have dimmed some. The earbuds in my ears constantly blaring music definitely have helped.

- To a new beginning form an end.

Listening to ~ Selena Gomez – The Heart Wants What It Wants

[Aviana]

- .:. Day dreamer .:. -

A day dream is a longing
One your soul creates
An escape while awake
A daytime dream break
Drifting happily away
Lost within thought
Not a care to be had
For the moment it’s sought
Yet a daydream must end
As all real dreams do
A smile no longer remains
Because I don’t have you…
- Avi

5/29/15

How terrible am I to dream? That in slumber my thoughts could deceive me, replaying memories of moments when I was fooled, when I lived as a fool. Such cruelty and yet clear that I have not fully let go. Is it possible that it hurts even more now? The sadness the anger the hurt of knowing that part of my life is gone. That that part of my life was a complete lie? I have yet to have changed my number. What is it about something so very simple, as a final cut off, being so hard to do? It only breaks my heart further to know how weak I am to not even do such a simple task. Yet my heart no longer beats for the reasons of the life path that found me. The shock of such is fading and still a bitterness remains. Part of me wishing I had never found this city. It has claimed me now and I can never leave.

I almost used the key that Nathaniel gave me today. Yet just the thought of seeing him again keeps me distant for now, though I have a feeling the place is not one he frequents. Surly he would never have invited a complete stranger to his actual home? Part of me is curious though, I have so many questions and know no others that might answer them. Then the other part of me could be content to never see him again. My words to him the last time we spoke were a bit harsh but I don’t claim to be sorry for such. I just don’t know about anything anymore. Never have I felt so lost and lonely in a place where my mind is pressed with so much sound. I have taken to listening to music constantly now, anything and everything. It helps quiet the outside, taking away some of the pain of thought.

- To a new dream, a wish to forget


Listening to ->Volbeat – Cape of Our Hero

[Aviana]

~~~ Silence

There is silence where hath been no sound;
There is a silence where no sound may be,
In the cold grave – under the deep, deep, sea,
Or in wide desert where no life is found,
Which hath been mute, and still must sleep profound;
No voice is hushed – no life treads silently,
But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free,
That never spoke, over the idle ground:
But in green ruins, in the desolate walls
Of antique places, where man hath been,
Though the dun fox, or wild hyena calls,
And owls, that flit continually between,
Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan,
There the true Silence is, self-conscious and alone.

- Thomas Hood

5/31/15

I did it, the number is finally changed. It’s time to move on, with many aspects of my life. Part of me is scared… Would it not be better to just end it all? I honestly thought of this quite a bit today. That’s so very unlike me? At times, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I almost scrapped all of the paint off the windows today. Sun light would be an easy way to go? But I didn’t have the guts to go through with it, instead I painted another layer over them. An abstract impressionism inspired by the Scream and Starry night. The colors are warm and remind me of what the sun once felt like. Such beauty could hold with the setting of that star as it gives way to night, a pleasure I shall never have again.

I wonder how long can a vampire go without blood? The desire to leave my home has left me, even though I know I’ll have to return to work soon. They have been quite understanding, but my funds are dwindling. It’s either end it or find a way to go on through these new struggles. For now, I’m content to be alone, though find no silence even in solitude. In ways I feel as if I’m already dead. Perhaps this is my eternal punishment? A penance to pay for the foolishness of being blind for so many years to the deceit that claimed me.

- To find silence where no sound may be.

Listening to – Third Eye Blind : Jumper

[Aviana]

- Heart, We Will Forget Him!

Heart, we will forget him!
You and I, to-night!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.
When you have done, pray tell me,
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! Lest while you’re lagging,
I may remember him!

- Emily Dickinson

6/1/15

The more I hear, the further I feel myself slipping into a lost world of thought. I have tried everything and the only solution that still works (not completely but well enough) is the music, very loud music. I tried a few different forms of meditation, remembering how well it worked for my grandmother. She swore clearing of one’s mind could benefit a person in many way. I miss her but meditation had never worked for me. Now it dims the outside yet seems unable to quiet my own thoughts. Maybe with discipline? Each time I try, my thoughts drift to him…. I don’t want to think of him any longer. So much of my time was wasted with him and it tears me apart that the thought of him hunts me, with how it refuses to leave my mind.

On another note, I have been researching vampires. Wish that I hadn’t, if anything it has simply depressed me further. I don’t want to be a monster but is it what will become of me? Not all the found fiction was terrible. Interview with a vampire was interesting but was that at all close to what real vampires are like? I don’t even know any other vampires, only Nathaniel and I can’t even claim to know him at all. I don’t think I ever want to know him but know I’ll have to. Maybe something can get better? Some unforeseen upside to all of this? Think I’ll go out tonight, I’m thirsty. Even though I wanted to try to, I don’t think I can hold out from drinking blood for much longer.

- Wish I was special, You’re so ******* special

Listening to ~ Radiohead - Creep

[Aviana]

“What Do Women Want?”

I want a red dress.
I want it flimsy and cheap,
I want it too tight, I want to wear it
until someone tears it off me.
I want it sleeveless and backless,
this dress, so no one has to guess
what’s underneath. I want to walk down
the street past Thrifty’s and the hardware store
with all those keys glittering in the window,
past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old
donuts in their café, past the Guerra brothers
slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly,
hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders.
I want to walk like I’m the only
woman on earth and I can have my pick.
I want that red dress bad.
I want it to confirm
your worst fears about me,
to show you how little I care about you
or anything except what
I want. When I find it, I’ll pull that garment
from its hanger like I’m choosing a body
to carry me into this world, through
the birth-cries and the love-cries too,
and I’ll wear it like bones, like skin,
it’ll be the goddamned
dress they bury me in.

- Kim Addonizio

6/3/15

Today has been bearable, I had picked up a few things from the craft store last night. A couple of nice sized canvasses, as well a few smaller ones to paint together as a combined work, indulging on a new set of brushed, and stocked up on all the colors of acrylics that I was running short on. It has been a pleasant escape to lose myself in the creation of my abstract art. It has always been a release to do such and I certainly should make a point to do so more often. I wonder if the city has some sort of gallery? I always enjoy admiring art, though going alone would probably look a bit pathetic. Not that I’m even ready for such a social outing. I must say, at least it’s getting easier. Maybe things will get better?

I have now taken to keeping this book with me where ever I go. Don’t think I could handle if another invaded my privacy and read through it again. Everything before my turning was removed from the book and burned, all but one page. Maybe one day I can let that go too? It’s a start though, time to reinvent myself without him. I know now that I want to move on rather than give up. Not that it will be easy, but hopefully it will be worth it.

- I want it to confirm your worst fears about me…

Listening to ~ Seether feat. Amy Lee – Broken

[Aviana]

Direct Orders

By Anis Mojgani

You have been given a direct order to rock the **** out.
Rock out like you were just given the last rock and roll record on earth and the minutes are counting down to flames.
Rock out like you just won both showcase showdowns.
Rock out like the streets are empty except for you, your bicycle, and your headphones.
Rock out like your lips, which are placed onto a breakdancing muse with legs that go all the way up.
Rock out like Publishers Clearing House is ringing your front door.
Rock out like you’ll never have to open a textbook again.
Rock out like you get paid to disturb the peace.
Rock out like music is all that you got.
Rock out like you’re standing on a rooftop and the city’s as loud and glowing as a river flowing below you.
Rock out like the plane is going down, and there are 120 people on board, and 121 parachutes.
Rock out like the streets and the books are all on fire and the flames can only be extinguished by doin’ the electric slide.
Rock out like it’s Saturday afternoon and Monday was a national holiday.
Rock out like somebody’s got a barrel pointed at your temple saying ‘Rock out like your life depended on it, fool,‘ because it does.[;b]
Rock out like your eyes are fading but you still got your ears. But you don’t know for how long so rock out like 5 o’clock time, meant pop-and-lock time.
Rock out like you got a pants full of tokens and nothing to do but everything.
Rock out like you are the international ski-ball champion of the entire universe.
Rock out like you just escaped an evil orphanage to join a Russian circus.
Rock out like your hero is fallen and you are spinning your limbs until they burst into a burning fire of remembrance.
Rock out like you are enslaved in the south and dancing is all that you have to know who you are.
Rock out like your dead grandfather just came back to take a drive with you in your new car.
Rock out like the table is full. Rock out like the neighbors are away.
Rock out like the walls won’t fall but, ****, you’re going to die trying to make them.
Rock out like the stereo’s volume knob is the figure 8 of infinity on it instead of merely numbers. Rock out like it’s raining outside and you’ve got a girl to run through it with.
Rock out like you’re playing football! Football in the mud and your washing machine is not broken.
Rock out like you threw your window open on your honeymoon because you want the whole world to know what love is.
Rock out like you just got a book published.
Rock out like you just went to your high school reunion to find everyone, even the women, are all overweight and bald, except for the former homecoming queen, who has just been divorced by her impotent husband and who only has eyes for... YOU!
Rock out like you just got a date with Heidi Klum.
Rock out like a shadow of a man passes behind you, drops you to your knees. You’re buckling in sweat, cold metal’s pushed to your forehead, the trigger’s pulled and the gun jams.
Rock out like you got an empty appointment book, and a full tank of gas.
Rock out like Jimi has returned carrying brand new guitar strings.
Rock out like the mangos are in season. Rock out like the record player won’t skip.
Rock out like this was the last weekend, like these were the last words, like you don't even want to forget how.

6/4/15

I have been trying to sleep during the daylight hours, and even though its dark, I have not yet mastered the life of being a so called night owl. Something peculiar happened today though, I was actually able to see my reflection in the mirror for a brief moment. After my turning I had been unable to and was a bit surprised by the sight. My reflection looked different, not how I remember looking exactly, it’s hard to explain, almost as if it isn’t real. Maybe I really am losing it? Perhaps it’s linked to many things… Or is it something that’s typical of a vampire? Wish I had someone to talk to about all of this. Well, someone that I felt comfortable talking with.

My paintings are coming along nicely at least. The abstract works started a bit darker and blue but the latest have been a bit more vibrant. I’ll have to head back out to the craft shop soon though. I’m running low on white, really should just buy extra of it anyways. Maybe afterwards I’ll go for a run. It’s been a few weeks since I last went out. I miss the runners high, but can vampires get that sort of rush from running? I should probably head to the shop and pick up some more blood too. I feel out of place buying such a thing, though the shop keep never gives me a funny look. I would guess there are more vampires here than I realized after having been turned. How does the human population not know?

- Rock out like music is all you got


Listening to -The Doors:People are strange

[Aviana]

- Leaf after Leaf…
Leaf after leaf, drops off, flower after flower,
Some in the chill, some in the warmer hour;
Alike they flourish and alike they fall,
And earth who nourished them receives them all.
Should we, her wiser son’s, be less content
To sink into her lap when life is spent?
- Walter Savage Landor

6/17/15

I just want to scream! My apartment, MY APARTMENT, was broken into yet again. Nearly half of my art work was stolen! The insurance place says such is not covered, as I was the one that painted them and since I’m not a famous painter, they would only cover the cost of the canvas. I spent hours on those paintings! They are gone… and I get nothing. I have a good feeling of who it might have been, just a feeling and it boils my blood to think about it, to think about him. He has already openly admitted to breaking in before, he took my diary…. I’m almost sure it was him that has taken my paintings. I’m tempted to go to that apartment in the QZ, but that place holds bad, painful memories…. Maybe tomorrow night I’ll head out. I bet the place is still empty anyways, what a lousy place for a so called sire to suggest someone stay to be safe. Not to mention that I was almost killed just outside that empty apartment! It’s official though, and I never thought it was possible but I have found someone that I loath even more than my ex.

- It’s no surprise to me…

Listening to ~ Lit – My Own worst Enemy

[Aviana]

All The Same

kiss me quick and make me weak
take my power, my voice to speak
lead me into the pouring rain
love me like you'll never love again

THEN

break my heart and cause me tears
leave me scars to heal within years
try not to mend my broken soul
and leave me to become once again whole

for you build
then you break
and then want to be
the everlasting shoulder for tears eternity

your smothering eyes won't be able to crawl
for it was one cut too many to heal at all ...

- Nettie Van Jaarsveld

8/8/15

It feels as if ages have passed, and so much has happened. The greatest thing being my new apartment! I absolutely love it, and I have had no unwanted visitors (that I know of). Actually I have not seen or heard from Nathaniel in over two months. He really must have wanted nothing to do with me, not that I care. Just wish he had not bothered in turning me in the first place. On another note, I made a new friend a few weeks ago. His name is Kaj, he's kind and much like a fresh breath of air, with how different he is from some of the others I have met of this city. Only thing is, he's human, and he sort of knows the truth about what I am. Its a long story, in a way I sort of saved his life and he saved mine. Its just nice to know someone, someone who doesn't want to kill me or make my life miserable. He doesn't look at me like a monster, even if at times I feel like one. I had a brief moment of an inappropriate thought.... A small thought of biting him, to keep my friend safe and make him mine (though not in a romantic way.... I'm too broken for that). This city, its just so dark, and I can't help but think about that night, when I witnessed another vampire bite Kaj.... I just worry about him. A bit foolish perhaps, as we don't know each other extremely well but he is the only friend I have. Maybe I am a monster, maybe to keep him safe would be for me to stay away from him. Though the selfish part of me wants to invite him over to my new place sometime, and just allow myself to be a friend to someone for a change instead of pushing them away. Does Kaj really want to be my friend anyways? I know he shouldn't.... I'm just tired of always being on my own. I really wish I could meet another vampire. I still have so many unanswered questions...

- It was one cut too many to heal at all

Listening to - Smile

[Aviana]

Bluebird

There's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

There's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
You want to screw up the
works?
You want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
There's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.

Then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
- By Charles Bukowski

9/26/15

I need to get out. I go out but it’s usually just to hunt, craft or hit up the shop. I just really want to go out, have a little fun. I need to meet more people, I want to….. It’s time to stop hiding from this city, from myself and what I have become. I have managed to meet a few other vampires. One I thought was going to kill me the first time we met, Edenor. I manage to always hit a nerve with him every time we come across one another. He’s crude and has a harsh way of dealing with things, but I have only come across him a few times around the city. I don’t mind, I find his company enjoyable in an odd way and at times have seen hints of a different side of him. He has helped me accept many aspects of this new vampire life though. Even though he himself has not been a vampire for long, he seems to have taken easily to it. He said I should never become comfortable around him and advised me to always stay warily afraid of him. Not that I don't believe him, I just feel just wanted to keep his distance from people and that's how he does so. He has an amusing nickname for me though, he calls he Little Rabbit. Though it would seem to be another way of expressing that he is a predator not to be fully trusted.

I also met a man awhile back in the QZ by the name of Niklaus. I was a bit hesitant at first, my track record for meeting other vampires had never gone quite well at that point in time. Nik was kind from the start though, and had a way of making me feel even more comfortable in the QZ. He gave me a few tips on my aim and even walked me home. Since then I have been over once to practice at his private shooting range. My skills have definitely improved. I still have his number, think I might give him a call again soon. He's fun to be around, and definitely has some interesting teaching methods. They have paid off though, I'm a better shot now, and a gun no longer feels so awkward to hold and shoot. Never would have guessed in a million years that I would ever be doing such a thing.

I also got a new job, working at the Dragons Lair, it’s an Asian restaurant in the 8th Dimension mall. The owner, Mortll, has been extremely kind with helping me learn new things about the city. I can’t claim to know her well, but hope to one day. I have not spoken to Kaj since the night we met…. I want to, but is that wrong of me? Guess I’m just scared that maybe I can’t be trusted to be that close to a human. What if I did something terrible? I couldn’t handle that, and never would want him to see me as a monster…. Even if I am one? Who’s to say another vampire won’t find him though? I should find him… He was one of the first of this city to ever be kind to me.

I’m off though, I’m going to try and make a point to write more, it’s relaxing. Think I’ll spend the rest of my day painting, and maybe do a little crafting. Once the sun sets, I’m going to go out and not train for once but actually not avoided a populated area and just hang out and try to meet some new people.

- Do you?

Listening to - Ignorance